What Goes On
by The Great Chicken Miasma
Summary: Chapter 25 is up! The clones get loose and run amok in the house! ...Well, not really, but they DO run into our pals. The Claus clone is there, too, but he's a good guy! WHAT WILL HAPPEN!
1. Schlemiel Bites the Dust

___**Authoress' Notes:** Wow, how incredibly awkward. Apparently, I've been playing **"SSBB"** so much, it killed my Wii! The thing just won't turn on anymore! I sent it in for repairs, but I've no idea when it'll be back, so I'm writing this stupid thing to let off some steam, lol. It really does help. And forget what I said earlier about not writing any more **"SSBB"** stuff; I may dabble here and there..._

**_WARNING:_**_ This story is absolute nonsense. There is barely a plot and there might be some OOCness, but it's just for laughs. I still think it's pretty funny. At least it's original. _

**OMG Disclaimer:**_ **I don't own any of The Evil People From Nintendo's characters or titles that appear in this fan fiction. I only claim possession of the plot and story overall. Their games get them nearly 150 dollars from me annually, so what more could they possibly want?! D: **_

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

_**Chapter 1:** Schlemiel Bites the Dust _

_

* * *

One fine day in the Land of Smash, which must exist somewhere on this crazy planet, there was a place, but not just any place, THE place. What's "THE place", you ask? Why, it's Smash Mansion, where all the Smashers live! Duh! It's kinda like college, but less evil and crazier. And what was going on in Smash Mansion? Err, pretty much everything that goes on college, minus the homework..._

_In the main room, a blue-haired swordsman sat huddled over something in deep concentration. Was it his sword? A dead body? ...Himself? No! It was a GameCube controller! He was currently sitting on the floor, several Smashers behind him on the couch. It'd been nearly 2 hours since he started trying to build a stage using the newly-installed Stage Builder mode, and it was beginning to get a little annoying waiting for a turn..._

"Marth, what're you doing?" nagged Kirby. "You can't just make the entire stage full of floating mushrooms!" He narrowed his eyes. "...Is that what you've been on lately?"

"Shut up, Kirby!" He smacked him with the controller. "I can do whatever I want! It's _my _turn, and it's _my_ stage, so just butt out!"

"But you've got to accessorize! I mean, I sure wouldn't wanna fight on this... monstrosity."

"Your _face_ is a monstrosity!"

"Ooh, burned!" laughed Ness, who'd been in the background until just now. "Burned, burned, burned! Did I mention you got burned?!"

The Star Warrior threw a pillow at him. "Screw you, Ness! Your game stinks!"

The psychic lowered his head. "Okay, see, the point of that slogan is that it's only funny if you don't mean it..."

"...Why am I in here again?" groaned a sleepy Lucas. "I'm so tired; I just wanna go to sleep..."

"But it's not even noon..." reminded Nana.

"..." Lucas obviously didn't care, gradually dozing off, occasionally drooling.

Popo scooted away. "Ew."

("C'mon, c'mon!") On the couch, Pikachu kicked Marth from behind. ("When're you gonna be done with this thing?! We wanna play!")

"Egging me on like that won't make me go any faster," scoffed Marth.

The rodent smirked, his cheeks sparkling. ("Yes, and I bet you'd be real pissed if the lights went out right about now, huh?")

"Do it, and you'll be shish kabob in time for lunch."

Pikachu shook his head in confusion. ("I'm not even sure I know what that is...")

"Ooh, burned again!" shouted Ness, loud enough to wake the amazing, drooling wonder known as Lucas. No sooner than he awakened, he went right back to dreamland, and I don't mean Kirby's place.

"Okay, you know what?" growled the now-irate swordsman. "I'll do this later! You guys are giving me a headache!"

"Fine!" huffed Kirby. "Just get your pretty boy butt outta the way! I'm getting a hernia back here!"

Growling, Marth scrambled to save the mostly-empty, slightly mushroomy, high-in-the-sky stage known as "Awesome Place". Upon its completion, he angrily stood over those on the couch.

"I hope you're happy that you've ruined my concentration and shattered my creativity, you cretins!"

"Hey, save the Latin lingo for those who care," snapped Ness. "We've heard enough of that song in the waiting room."

Pikachu began numbering on his fingers. ("...And the Battlefield, and the Final Destination, the Stage Builder, and the Trophy Room...")

"FINE!" And in a fit, Marth thrust the controller toward the snotty kid, only to forget the cord was still attached to the Wii on a small cabinet, and as it pulled, the entire thing promptly fell with a dead, yet violent, thump to the floor. Everyone watched as the screen went blank, as did their expressions.

**"AH! SCHLEMIEL!"** wailed Kirby, running to the Wii's aid. "Schlemiel! Talk to me! Are you okay?!"

Schlemiel was obviously not okay, as he simply sat there on his side, the little Power button off. The TV was still blank.

("Somebody call an ambulance!") screamed Pikachu.

Lucas snapped awake again. _"I didn't start the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning!" _

"Quick!" shouted Popo. "Do CPR!"

"What's that?!" asked the pink thing.

"I don't know!"

"Wonderful!" he sarcastically remarked.

"Move it!" Ness shoved Kirby out of the way and frantically began to fiddle with Schlemiel, unplugging and plugging things while trying to turn him back on. But to no avail; it was plain to see Schlemiel was no longer with them.

Tears running down his reddened cheeks, he whimpered, "...H-he's... dead..."

Marth was aghast. _"W-what?!"_

Lucas fell to his knees, which was pretty hard to do, since he was still sitting on the couch. _"No... It can't be..."_

("Check his pulse!") demanded Pikachu.

"There is none... He's... gone..."

Nana threw her head back. "Why do the good always die young?! _WHY?!_ _**WHYYYYYYYYY?!"**_

("...What're we gonna do now?") asked Pikachu, his ears lowered. ("We can't tell the others about this, or we're screwed.")

Ness shrugged. "We gotta give this guy a proper burial..."

"Yeah,"Kirby picked up their dead companion, "it's the least we can do."

"He was a real good guy..." Marth nodded. "He will not be forgotten."

Ness scowled. "Yeah, especially since_ you_ killed him!"

"SILENCE!" Then, something really violent happened. Nobody knew what it was, but it happened. And to Ness, no doubt. "If you hadn't been haggling me like that, none of this would've happened in the first place!"

"IT'S ALL _**YOUR **_FAULT!" suddenly barked Lucas, kicking Marth in the head, sending him straight out the window. "YOU'VE RUINED MY INNOCENCE, DAMN YOU!"

"..." Ness made a face. "Uh, way to go?"

"Has he ever done anything like that before?" asked Nana to Popo, who just shook his head. "Huh, guess it's progress."

("...Anyway, we don't have a graveyard!") said Pikachu. ("I mean, why would we? What're we gonna do about that?")

Ness nodded. "Then we'll have to make one."

Nana sweatdropped. "You can't be serious..."

_**

* * *

About an hour later...**_

"And today, we come to pay our respects to Schlemiel," said Ness, standing over half-buried shoebox in the backyard. "He was always so bright and pure... so trusting and reliable... and very inanimate."

Kirby started bawling his eyes out. "What a great guy! He died going what he did best! Rock on, Schlemiel, rock on!"

Pikachu socked him in the nose... or whatever. ("Shut up! You're being disrespectful!")

"And now, put the flowers on Schlemiel's resting place."

Lucas held out some dead flowers and weeds. "I'm sorry. This was the best I could do on such short notice..."

Popo raised his hand. "And I couldn't find any flowers, so can I just pee on the grave?"

Nana scowled. "Ew, no! That's sick!"

"Aw, but I really gotta go..."

_**"MIDGET!"**_ randomly shouted Red, who just happened to pass by on a jog with Squirtle.

"WTF?! I'm not a midget!" Lucas tugged on Ness in horror. "Ness, tell him! Tell him I'm not a midget! You know I'm not, right?"

"He's not a midget..." droned the black-haired weirdo with no shine in his eyes. "Now, can we please just ignore the obnoxious jerk and get back to the funeral?"

"See?!" shouted Lucas back. "Ness said I'm not a midget, so THERE!"

The trainer approached. "Dude, you're like, 3 feet tall. How old are you? Five?"

"I'm 13..."

"HAH! I'm only 10, and I'm way taller than you _and_ Ness!"

"B-b-b-but...!" Lucas began to sniffle. "Y-you're not being very nice...!"

"And what's wrong with your eyes?" Red pointed at Ness, scowling. "Seriously, man, you need to get those checked."

**_"MY EYES CAN STARE INTO YOUR SOUL!"_** snarled the psychic, in hopes of scaring him off.

"ACK, NO!" Red grabbed Squirtle and ran away, slamming into Snake, who made that weird shocked/exclamation mark noise and flew away on a conveniently-placed chopper.

Popo looked worriedly at Ness. "...You don't really mean that, do you?"

**_"YES, HE WAS GETTING ON MY NERVES!" _**

"...You can stop talking like that any time..."

"Sorry."

"The funeral's over now!" shouted Nana, finished burying Schlemiel. "It's all over but the crying..."

"Does that mean we can't play mah-jongg?" asked Kirby, sad he couldn't whup their butts.

Ness clenched his fist. "It means we hafta help bring Schlemiel back from the dead! It's the only way to keep from getting in trouble with the others!"

"But how?" asked Popo. "You saw what Marth did to him; he's as dead as dead as dead as dead as dead can be."

"Perhaps! But we must strive, my friends, strive for a better Schlemiel and more tacos for Lucas, because he really loves kosher chalupas."

"...What?"

He sighed and grabbed Lucas. "Uh, just follow me..."

**_

* * *

Later that night, at the cheaply-made graveyard... _**

"Okay," Ness clapped his hands together. "If we're gonna make this work, we're gonna make it work right. You guys gotta do exactly what I say and nothing less. Do you hear me?"

Popo snorted with laughter. "What if we do more?"

"Say something stupid like that again, and I _will _kill you."

Popo twitched. "..."

"All right, fine, but I still think we should at least wait until morning," sighed Nana.

"Morning's for suckers and meatbags; we don't need no stinkin' daylight!"

Pikachu shrugged. ("What about midday?")

"Don't make me cut you."

The mouse twitched. "..."

Picking up two handfuls of dirt, Kirby threw them at Lucas, who started crying uncontrollably as Ness read from an upside-down phone book.

"By the power that exists in pizzas and unwashed laundry, I beg of you to bring our back beloved Schlemiel so that we won't be bored when not fighting or the Coin Launcher breaks, 'cause that's really a lotta fun!"

Nana sweatdropped, rhythmically banging her hammer on the ground. "How did I get roped into this...?"

"We ask you to please reconsider and don't be a douche like that one guy who did the thing with all the people in that place! You know what I'm talkin' about!"

"Good, 'cause I sure don't," responded Popo, as he danced to Caramelldansen, despite the song not actually playing.

"Pretty please, with sugar and ice cream and maybe a boombox on top, since those are really outdated!"

A bolt of lightning seemed to answer Ness as it shot from a random cloud and just missed Schlemiel's grave, hitting Lucas instead. A nearby Popo was shocked to say the least, and not by the lightning.

"Holy crap, man! Are you okay?!"

Kirby smacked him. _"...Does it **look **like he's okay?!"_

"Well, he never was quite right in the head, so..."

"HaPpY pLaCe..." droned Lucas, now rocking back and forth in the fetal position, "ThInK oF yOuR hApPy PlAcE...!"

Pikachu sweatdropped. ("Lucas, what is _wrong _with you?")

**_"DON'T TOUCH ME!"_** he screeched, running away and screaming something about banana pudding.

("...Okay?")

"I can safely say without a doubt that this ritual was a big failure!" growled Ness, kicking the ground. "We don't have enough material, obviously..."

"Ness, we didn't even do anything _remotely_ related to a ritual! You just made up a bunch of nonsense and Lucas got struck by lightning! What _are _we doing?!"

He scowled. "See? That's the kind of negative attitude that's bringing us down."

She sighed. "I can't believe I still hang out with you."

"I can't believe Schlemiel's gone..." sighed Kirby.

("I can't believe Marth killed him!") growled Pikachu.

"I can't believe it's not butter!" gasped Popo, getting a Home Run Bat to the head from Ness.

_**"I WARNED YOU, POPO! I... WARNED... YOOOOOOOOOU!"**_

**_

* * *

Authoress' Notes:_** _Believe it or not, my cousin and I actually came up with the whole "Lucas being possessed" thing as a joke in something that had nothing to do with this._


	2. Lucas Becomes Ryuukash!

_**Authoress' Notes:** Yay, the madness continues! The time writing this could've been put into kicking Luigi's ass, but... yeah. Expect very quick updates until I can do that again._

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

_**Chapter 2: **Lucas Becomes Ryuukash!_

* * *

_**The next morning...**_

Ness woke up and stretched. "Rrgh, what an awful night... I didn't sleep a wink. How about you, Luke?"

_"...GrR..."_

"Luke?"

_**"...GrRrRrRrRrRrRr..."**_

He was starting to get annoyed. "Luke?"

**_"StOp CaLlInG mE tHaT...!"_** growled an inhumane voice from the bottom bunk.

"Oh, okay... Lucas?"

"No! NoT tHaT eItHeR...!"

He scratched his chin. "Then... what should I call you?"

"...RyUuKaSh. ThaT's My NaMe NoW..."

"WTF?"

"ThIs WiLl Be My NaMe... FoReVeR! mWaHaHaHaHa!"

"O... kay."

"A-aH! iT's T-tHeM! tHe ToIlEt PaPeR dEmOnS...!"

"Wha?"

A loud, nasty snap sounded and Ryuukash said no more. Ness jumped from the top bunk and somehow magically got dressed and washed up upon his landing. Yes, apparently, you can do that if you're psychic.

"Aw, crap! Look what time it is!" exclaimed Ness, looking at the clock on the wall. "Almost noon! We're gonna miss lunch if we don't hurry up!"

Ryuukash didn't seemed to be in a hurry for lunch. His skin as pale as snow, he stared at Ness with the deadest eyes of all of... uh, deadom. Yeah. Even zombies would've been jealous. He also somehow magically got dressed... while still under the covers in bed.

"C'mon!" He dragged him out, not at all bothered by this. "I didn't oversleep on purpose just so I could miss this!"

* * *

_**Later, at lunch...**_

Ness got some steak from the lunchline as Ryuukash blindly followed, his face as dead as the helping of chicken salad on his tray. Yes, that is a food. Stop patronizing me.

"Ah!" smiled Ness, sitting down at a table. "My favorite time of the day: lunchtime! Whaddya about you, Ryuukash?"

Ryuukash responded by groaning and snapping his neck until his head was placed at a very disturbing angle. Ness's eyes widened as blood began oozing out his mouth.

"Ah, not hungry? That's okay! Fighting'll work up an appetite fast!"

"Hello, Ness," greeted Zelda sitting next to him. She then noticed Ryuukash. "Hello, Lucas."

She was answered by the sound of flies buzzing loudly as Ryuukash kept his non-existent gaze on the ceiling.

"Uh, is he okay?"

Ness shook it off. "Yeah, he's always been like that."

"...Ness, he's drooling blood."

"That's not blood; it's chowder!"

"..."

"Look, I know what I'm doing! Why don't you go... jump off the roof or something? He used to do it all the time!"

Zelda frowned. "Lucas never did that!"

Ryuukash suddenly ruined the moment by vomiting black stuff onto his chicken salad. Needless to say, it was gross, disturbing, and somewhat arousing.

_**"Ewwwwww!"**_ squealed Zelda, jumping back. "What's the matter with him!"

Ness made a face. "Ooh... Uh, he's never done _that _before. Don't worry, I'm sure it's that time of the month."

"He's a **_guy_**!"

He slammed his hands down on the table. "Well, I don't see _you _coming up with any explanations! GAWD!"

"Maybe you should get him to a doctor... He doesn't look too good."

"There is nothing wrong with him! Sheesh! You girls are always so protective over everything! There's nothing wrong with a guy who coughs some blood every once in a while! Isn't that right, Ryuukash?"

His unwell friend responded by snapping his neck in order to blankly look at him. He then proceeded to vomit the same black stuff in his face.

"Uh... yeah."

"I'm expecting you'll take a shower after that...?"

"Uh, I don't think so. That was obviously a manly way of saying 'You're awesome, Ness! I wanna be just like you!' See?"

_**"YGrGhRgRhGr!"**_ responded Ryuukash.

* * *

_**Sometime later...**_

"C'mon, Ryuukash!" Ness said, pulling him back to their room. "We gotta figure out a way to bring Schlemiel back! We've already wasted enough time fooling around! They others should be here any minute..."

Right on cue, there was a knock on the door. Ness opened it to see everyone had come with big smiles, warm regards, and pudding... lots and lots of pudding.

"Hey!" chirped Kirby, holding up a plate of black mess. "Lucas, you forgot this at lunch! You don't mind if I have it, right?"

_**"UgUgHhHgHuIhgHuiIh!"**_

After a moment of silence, a dumb smile spread across the puffball's face. "...Sweet!"

"Hey, what's wrong with Lucas?" asked Popo."He looks kinda... pale."

Pikachu frowned. ("Did you paint him with white-out again?")

Ness put his hands on his hips. "No! And his name's Ryuukash now! Respect, man!"

Ryuukash added to this by violently twitching.

Popo smiled. "Awesome! You renamed yourself! I wanna rename myself, too! From now on, call me... Mr. Trousers!**_ Mwahahaha!_**"

Nana smacked him. "You doofus! He didn't rename himself! He's possessed!"

Ness rolled his eyes. "Uh, it's called a 'fashion statement'. Maybe you outta get one."

"Ness, I really think you need to do something about this before we all end up like him..."

"Why should I?" he scoffed.

"Because of that weird stuff you read at the graveyard last night! As mindless as it sounded, your nonsense must've summoned an evil spirit to possess him! Now get off your lazy butt and help the poor kid, for crying out loud!"

"He's fine! Trust me! He... he does stuff like this all the time. It's completely normal."

"Since when is it 'completely normal' to look like _that_?"

She pointed to Ryuukash and his hollowed out, colorless eyes, a tongue dangling out of his mouth as he continued drooling blood.

Popo poked him. "...Hello? Hello? Mr. Trousers to Ryuukash, hello?"

"I used to do that all the time! I don't see what the big deal is. He's just playing around."

"Well, maybe I'm not used to your customs, but I _do_ know this; people don't bleed internally for no reason!"

"Of course they don't!" he laughed. "They need to be gutted first."

Seeing as Ness was a lost cause, she slapped the blond kid. **_"Lucas! _**Snap out of it! There is something seriously wrong with you!"

_**"ThE sPaTuLaS aRe InVaDiNg!"**_ he shouted, struggling to get away. _**"We'Re NoT hErE! dOn'T yOu SeE! dOn'T yOu GeT iT!"**_

"No! Stop acting like a zombie! That's Ness' job!"

The slightly-demented psychic glared at her. "HEY!"

_**"ThEy'Re AlReAdY rEqUeStInG rEcEiPtS fOr ThE fLaT sOdA mAcHiNe! TaKe CoVeR! i RePeAt; AlL eMpLoYeEs MuSt WaSh ThEiR hAnDs BeFoRe ReTuRnInG tO wOrK!"**_

Nana started shaking him, quite violently, I might add.**_ "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"_**

"Okay, this is officially going downhill," pouted Kirby, grabbing Ryuukash's black dinner and some pudding. "If you guys aren't gonna get serious, then I'm going back to my room to hang out with the cool people!"

Popo made a face. "...You're not gonna eat that, are you?"

"What? Lucas doesn't want it..." He frowned. "And you ain't gettin' any either, pal!"

"Oh, come on!" He tackled him. "Please? Just a bite! It looks really good! I want some!"

"No, man! Get away from me!"

Ness sat in an irritated silence until Pikachu thumped him on the nose. ("Hey, space case. Aren't you forgetting something?")

"Forgetting something? Like what?"

The mouse rolled his eyes as if Ness should've known what he was talking about, which he really didn't until a sudden thought pooped into his head. Yes, it pooped, not popped. That's just how weird it was.

"Ah, hell. Dammit..."

Nana turned from shaking a rabid Ryuukash. "What?"

"The potatoes! Of all the people I forgot to invite to the wedding, I forget to bring the potatoes!" And with that, he flew away. Yes, I mean he actually jumped into the air and sailed through the ceiling with nary a thought.

"WTF?" was all Nana could say.

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes:** Wow, what did I just write? XD_


	3. Spider Pig Attacks!

**_Authoress' Notes:_**_ May contain a slight spoiler for SSE, but it's very minor. And am I the only one who thought this after seeing Pokey/Porky? Probably, lol._

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 3:_**_ Spider Pig Attacks!_

**_

* * *

Elsewhere..._**

"Gah... Bored."

A large mechanical spider leg kicked an empty can as its driver made his way through New Pork City. "Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored..."

He kept kicking the can down the road until its clanking finally pissed him off.

"Damn it! **_I'M BOOOOORED!"_** With that, he threw the can into the air and sliced it in half. Its family and friends were devastated and the funeral was short.

Irritated, Porky pushed a button, uh, on himself. "Señor ShnuggleButt Fluffykins! Get out here now!"

In a poof of red smoke, the Ultimate Chimera appeared. _"¿Qué?"_

"Oh, I'm_ soooooooooo_ bored... Go brutally murder someone for my amusement."

_"Sí, Rey_ _Porky." _

He then promptly attacked a random, unimportant pedestrian. Blood and guts spewed everywhere, with random organs occasionally landing Porky's spider machine. As a kidney splattered on the glass, he picked it up with a mechanical leg and scowled at it.

"I've killed _este hombre_ for you, _Rey Porky._ Are you _satisfecho?"_

"Neh... No. No, I'm just not feeling it. No, this isn't working." He threw the kidney at Fluffykins, who happily shredded it to pieces. "Man, I'm just **_SO_** bored! There's nothing to do, no one to fight, and the residents don't even _try_ to run from you anymore!"

"Maybe it's because they are realizing that the escape is impossible, _Rey_ _Porky_."

He pouted. "Aw, just shut your oversized trap and go get that kid over there. ...I want fresh meat."

_"Sí, Rey_ _Porky." _And the little kid's guts flew as if he'd been shoved through a blender.

"Man," he sighed, the kid reminding him a lot of Ness, "I sure wish I could do that to Pig's Butt right about now. Yeah, I could really go for smacking him down..."

All of a sudden, as if by some sort of miracle or a plot twist gone horribly wrong, Ness landed nearby. The two immediately locked eyes.

"Pig's Butt!"

"Porky!" He scowled. "Ew, you're all old and ugly. You really let yourself go..."

"Shut up, noob!" He approached. "I'm better than ever in this thing! I may not look like it on the outside, but I can still kick your ass into next week! ...And then go there and repeat the process! Gahahahaha!"

"Man, you've got some serious issues..."

**_"No, I don't! Now come here so I can kill you!"_**

"Sorry," He waved him off. "Gotta find some potatoes for the wedding. I don't have time to play games..."

"Potatoes aren't as evil as ham; therefore, they don't grow here! Now, c'mon! Fight me! Fight me! Fight me! Fight me! I'll give you the first attack! Fight me! Fight me! Fight me! Fight me!"

Ness threw a Mr. Saturn at him. Where he got it, I'll never know. **_"OMG, SHUT UP! I DON'T WANNA FIGHT YOUR OLD, SMELLY ASS! I JUST WANT THE POTATOES! JUST... POTATOES!"_**

"It's cuz you're afraid you'll **_LOOOOOOOOSE!_** Isn't that right, Señor ShnuggleButt Fluffykins!"

_"Sí, Rey_ _Porky,"_ added his odd pet.

"...The hell?" Ness frowned. "What kinda name is that? And why is he speaking Spanish?"

"Oh, so you think just because you didn't come from Cuba that you're better than him, don't you!"

"...Whatever. I'm outta here." He picked up some 'potatoes' and flew away. "...Hope you choke on your own fat, fatty!"

"Yeah, well... **_MY HAIR'S STILL COOLER THAN YOURS!_**" As he watched him go, he suddenly got a great idea. "Hey, Señor ShnuggleButt Fluffykins! I've got a great idea!"

_"Sí, Rey_ _Porky?"_

"I'm gonna follow that butt-head and kill him! It'll totally cure my boredom issue _and_ finally rid me of him forever! YES! This is the perfect plan!"

_"Por supuesto,_ _Rey_ _Porky._ Your plans are always _muy perfecto."_

"I don't know what you just said, but I agree wholeheartedly! Gahahahahaha!"

* * *

**_Back at Smash Mansion..._**

"Okay, everyone can relax!" declared Ness, swooping in through the window. "I've got the potatoes, so we can all finally live in peace!"

Pikachu sweatdropped. ("...Were you dropped on your head as a baby?")

Smiling, Nana approached. "Oh, that's_ wonderful_! Except for two things: one, we didn't need them in the first place, and two, those aren't potatoes; _they're_ **_ROOOOCKS!"_**

Kirby then came over, holding a bleeding arm. "Uh, hiya, Ness. Glad to see you're back..."

"Kirby? What happened to you?"

"Um, Lucas kinda bit me... uh, really hard, so... uh, permission to faint from loss of blood?"

Ness raised an eyebrow, despite not having any. "Permission granted?"

_"Oh, goody..."_ And he passed out.

"...Yeeeeeeeeeahhhhh..."

Nana threw her arms up. "...Well, don't just stand there! Cure Lucas already! I think Popo's started to get a little too attached to him..."

Offended, Popo scoffed. "_Mr. Trousers!_ Call me Mr. Trousers! That's my name now! Plus, Ryuukash isn't that bad of a guy! He really has a great sense of humor... y'know, once you get past the horde of concentrated evil he occasionally spews..."

**_"...GrRrRrRr!"_** Ryuukash responded by randomly tackling Kirby and biting him again.

**_"AUGH! GET 'EM OFF! GET 'EM OFF!"_**

"Back! Back, you beast!" commanded Ness, throwing a 'potato' at him. "These spuds should solve this problem in no time!"

Ryuukash looked on in confusion as the 'potato' sailed over his head and hit Popo, knocking him off the bed.

"Hey mister! Didja get the name of that Polar Bear that hit me? I wanna invite him over for TEA!" he dizzily shouted before fainting.

Pikachu rolled his eyes. ("Nice going.")

"Aw, gimme a break! I'm used to hitting things, not throwing them!"

_"**NESS!** You butt-head!"_ shorted Porky, crashing through the window.

He looked up. "WTF? Porky!"

Pikachu grinned. ("Dude! Nice spider mech! Where can I get one?")

Popo pointed, suddenly conscious and having less brain cells. "OMG, it's Spider Pig!"

"What? NO! It is I, King Porky! All bow down to me now!"

"Oh. ...Can I still call you Spider Pig?"

Pikachu scratched his head. ("I thought his name was Pokey...")

"No, that's that cactus thing from Mario. Segmented? Lives in the desert?" corrected Ness.

Kirby lifted his head. "No, no, it's King _Porkey_."

Nana frowned. "What the hell? You don't spell 'Porky' with an 'e'!"

"...How'd you know I spelled it with an 'e'?"

_"Dorks!"_ Porky broke the silence. "Everyone oughta know the all-powerful King of New Pork City! It's only the coolest place ever! You should go there and get brainwashed!"

"I'll pass," said Nana. "Besides, aren't you kinda past your prime to be threatening us?"

"Yeah!" laughed Popo. "And... and! Uh, you probably weigh like, uh... 7,489,345,783lbs! Hahahahaha!"

"Age ain't nothin' but a number! And I'm not fat, just overly sexy!"

Pikachu sweatdropped. ("...Can you even _have _sex anymore?")

"Oh, yeah? You think that's funny? _You think that's **funny**?_ Well, let my legs just do the talking, then you'll see what's funny!" Upon attacking with one of the spider mech's legs, he frowned. "Ooh, that didn't sound right..."

Ness smacked his forehead. "Gawd, did time travel actually make you_ stupider_?"

Pikachu dodged the leg. ("Why're you fighting us, anyway? Kill Ness, _he's _your rival!")

Ness scowled. "...I wouldn't be going to sleep anytime soon, if I were you."

"Well, I'm gonna make sure you're_ all_ sleeping!" threatened Porky. "Y'know, like dead 'n stuff."

"...Can you just... stop talking and go away? We've got way too many problems right now to be able to deal with you!" growled the pink Ice Climber.

"Yeah, hey, why don't we pencil you in for later? Maybe... 9:30 in the morning on Wednesday?" asked the blue Ice Climber.

"Aw, shoot, I can't; gotta go to the dentist's that day--_Hey, wait a minute!_ Don't think you can trick me! I'm the smartestest guy ever!"

Kirby sweatdropped. "And there's your proof of it..."

At that moment, Ryuukash decided it'd be fun to start choking the puffball, so he did, mostly because he hated round things colored pink.

Porky pointed. "Hey, it's the little loser, Lucas! Oh man, and he's totally stinkin' drunk! He's _wasted_!"

"Actually, he's kinda possessed at the moment..." said Nana, as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Cool! I think I'll kill him!"

"Why?" asked Popo.

**_"Because I want to! Shut up!" _**He slapped Ryuukash down with a leg and laughed like a madman... er, pig. Mad pig... wild boar.

"Oh, no! _He's dead! Dead, I tell you! **DEAD!**_" cried Popo, getting an angry glare from Nana.

"Just like Schlemiel!" added Kirby, who was somehow healed.

"Schlemiel?" Porky frowned at Ness. "...You've got some weird friends, Pig's Butt."

"And you're living proof I've got even worse enemies... Can you leave now? Why don't you go and eat your weight in mayo-soaked butter, or something?"

He drooled. "Mmm, that sounds good... But no! I hafta fill my quota for the day, and that quota just happens to be killing _you_!"

Lucas chose this time to wake up, completely normal and totally not dead. "Huh? W-where am I? What's going on--HOLY CRAP, IT'S PORKY! TAKE COVER!" And he dove for his bed sheets, taking the term to a whole new level.

"Hey, wasn't he just possessed a moment ago?" questioned Nana.

Pikachu shrugged. ("Eh, I guess Porky knocked it out of him.")

"What? That's impossible! You can't just _knock _someone out of being possessed!"

Ness sighed loudly. "You of all people should know nothing ever needs explaining here."

Pikachu threw his arms into the air. _("Wait, wait, wait a minute!")_

Porky stopped. "Eh?"

("Lemme get this straight: you're a 'king', right?")

"Right..."

("And you rule New Pork City, right?")

"Right..."

("Then, if you're here fighting us, who's ruling the city?")

"Oh, well... uh..." He thought for a moment, then gasped. "Aw, crap! You're right!"

Ness sweatdropped. "You have**_ got_** to be kidding me!"

Porky stomped off. "Hey, y'know what? This was really fun, Pig Butt! We gotta do this again sometime!"

"**_No!_** Go away and never come back! Nobody wants you here!" proclaimed his enemy.

"Right! And that's exactly _why _I'm coming back!" He turned to Popo. "Now like I said, I can't make it on Wednesday, so is Thursday at noon good?"

Popo grinned like an idiot. "Oh, sure! That'll be great! We'll see be seeing you then!"

"Awesome!"

Upon his confirmation, he busted through the door and inexplicably disappeared. After a few moments of silence, Nana smashed Popo's head with her mallet.

**_"What is the matter with you?!"_**

"Uh, yeah..." Ness put his hands to his hips. "That didn't go exactly as planned, but at least we beat 'em! A good end to a good day!"

Pikachu pointed at a clock. ("But it's half-past 3 in the afternoon...")

"And we _didn't_ beat him! He's coming back on Thursday!" added Kirby.

The psychic growled in frustration. **_"What will it take to get you guys motivated? I swear, you are the most self-conscious bunch of weirdoes_** **_I have ever been forced to come in contact with!"_**

**_

* * *

Authoress' Notes:_** _Um... yeah. This chapter was just full of plot holes._


	4. Sleepless Ness

_**Authoress' Notes:** This chapter contains slight NessxPaula and shonen-ai, so if you don't like either one, don't read! It's also my favorite one by far. :)_

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 4:_**_ Sleepless Ness_

* * *

**_Later that night..._**

Ness grabbed a pillow and jumped into his pajamas, as did Lucas. And for some reason, they both had the same blue-and-white striped pajama shirt and pants. I don't know why, but processed cheese probably had something to do with it. 

"All right, Lucas," said Ness, "we gotta hit the sack soon so we can get up early tomorrow." 

"But I thought we don't get up any earlier than noon..." 

"Well, tomorrow's gonna be different. We're getting up at 11:30! It's a bit of a sacrifice, but it's one I'm willing to make." 

"Uh, okay?" 

"I'm done with the bathroom, so hurry it up in there." 

"Okay." 

So, he went into the bathroom to do his business. Yes, every Smashers' room comes with a built-in bathroom. Why wouldn't it? 

Ness had just placed his cap on top of the nearby lamp when he heard retching in the lavatory. 

**_"UGH! HAGH! AGGGH! GAAAAHHHHHHHH!" _**

Running to the door, he slammed it open. "Lucas, what the crap?" 

He turned to him, eyes teary. "Sorry, I choked..." 

"On what?" 

"...The toothbrush..." 

"...Uh, you do know that's _my_ toothbrush, right?" 

He blinked. "It is? ...Uh-oh." 

Ness sighed, closing the door. "...Let's just worry about that tomorrow..."

* * *

After about 10 straight minutes of bottles dropping, water running, the toilet flushing, and Lucas grunting and groaning, he exited. Ness frowned.

"Uh, what was that all about?" 

"I think I lost my sense of equilibrium..." 

"Is that a drug?" 

He made a face. "No..." 

"Nice, then go to bed. See ya in the morning." 

"Oh, all right..." Lucas crawled into bed and was ready to fall asleep when he noticed Ness was hanging over from the top. "What?" 

"Think you could turn off the light?" 

He smiled nervously. "...Can't we leave it on tonight?" 

"No." 

He lowered his head. "O-okay..." 

Reluctantly, he reached over and switched off the lamp on the nightstand. As it went off, the entire room fell into darkness, the only source of light coming from the moon shining through a window. 

Making himself comfortable, Ness closed his eyes and gently drifted off to sleep...

* * *

_When he opened his eyes again, Ness quickly noticed his was no longer in a dark room, but in a vast field of flowers. He must be dreaming... or hallucinating... No, he was pretty sure he was dreaming._

**_"Hey, Ness!"_**

_He looked up to the sound of the voice. **"Paula?"**_

**_"Ness!"_**_ She waved, then ran off. **"Bectha can't catch me!"**_

_Laughing, he gave chase. **"Oh, I bet I can!"**_

_She ran like mad through the vast field of flowers, laughing as he pursued her. Ness found himself laughing for a bit, but he soon realized he couldn't catch up to Paula and was forced to stop and catch his breath._

**_"Okay..."_**_ he panted, **"Okay, so maybe I can't catch you... Whew, you sure can run..."**_

* * *

...His dream was suddenly interrupted by someone poking his nose. Annoyed at being brought back to the reality of the darkened room, he groaned and stuffed his head under the pillow. The poking continued on his back.

"Neeeeess?" came Lucas' whining voice. 

_"...What?"_ he growled from under the pillow. 

"I can't sleeeeep..." 

"Neither can I with you poking me like that..." 

"...Can I sleep with you tonight?" 

"No." 

He whimpered._ "Whyyyyyy?"_

"Because I said so." 

_"Whyyyyyy?"_

"Because you're not supposed to." 

"But I'm your best friend, so _whyyyyyy_?" 

"Because it's a bunk bed for a reason..." 

"I won't take up much space. Pleeeeeeeease?" 

"No!" 

"But I'm lonely..." 

"Well, I'm homesick, but you don't see me complaining." 

"You were at dinner..." 

Upon hearing that, Ness sat up and promptly pushed Lucas off the ladder. "That just earned you a punch in the stomach. I'll do it when you least expect it." 

**_"AAH!"_** Lucas screamed, hitting the floor. 

"Now quit fooling around and go to bed already! Good night!" He stuffed his head under the pillow again. 

He was just about to drift off when the mattress from below began squeaking nonstop. He tried to ignore it by stuffing his head under the pillow again, but it just got louder and louder _and louder_ until he felt like his brain was going to explode. Jumping up, he looked down to see Lucas sitting up in bed, bouncing up and down anxiously. 

Teeth gritted, he snarled, "**_Lucas!_** What the hell are you doing?" 

He started rocking back and forth. "...Trying to go to sleep." 

"Well,_ I_ can't sleep with all that noise, so cut it out before I rip you a new one!" His head disappeared, followed by the sound of sheets ruffling and the mattress squeaking. 

"Uh, okay..." 

Ness fluffed his pillow a few times before throwing his face into it. With a sigh, he was about to drift off again when he heard the mattress below him squeaking again. He groaned as he soon felt Lucas' presence. 

"...What is it _now_?" 

"Ness, I'm scared." 

"We all are. Get used to it." 

He whimpered. "N-no! I don't wanna be scared!" 

He lifted his head. "What're you scared of?" 

"...Discount sales." 

He scowled at the boy long and hard before throwing him back into his respective bed, sternly growling, "Good _night_, Lucas!" 

He sighed. "Good night..." 

Ness sat at the edge of his the top bed to make sure he didn't move. After a few minutes of watching, he finally realized that the blond psychic wasn't planning on bugging him anytime soon, so he receded back under the covers and yawned. Putting the pillow over his head, he inhaled deeply several times until he passed out. 

* * *

_Back in the field of flowers, he looked at Paula and smiled. **"Now, where we?"**_

**_"I was proving that you need to lose some weight by doing... this!" _**_She ran off. _

_He frowned. **"Oh, yeah... That..."**_

**_"Come on! You're not even trying anymore!" _**_She soon noticed Ness had disappeared and stopped running. **"Huh. Now where'd he'd go...? He was right there a moment ago..."**_

_**"Surprise!"** he shouted, grabbing her from behind._

_**"Hey! How'd you catch up to me so fast?"**_

_**"Uh... Fuzzy pickles?" **_

_**"Works for me."**_

* * *

...Ness' eyes snapped open at the pressure of someone flopping onto him. He looked down to see Lucas had disregarded his earlier threat and was currently resting his head on his stomach, his hair tickling his nose. More than ready to dismantle somebody, he reached down and grabbed him by the neck, squeezing hard. Lucas awoke immediately upon having the pressure on his windpipe. Neck still in his hand, Ness sat him up straight, grinding his teeth.

_"Uh, N-Ness?" _Lucas gagged. _"Y-you're kinda ch-choking me here..."_

"Yeah, I know! You're kinda invading my personal space here!" 

He wheezed. _"B-but I can't...! I-I c-can't sleep! A-and you s-said w-we hafta get up early...!" _

"Well, keeping me up all night's not gonna help!" 

_"P-please? Just this once! I-I promise I'll never ask again...!"_ He startled struggling, due to the lack of air. 

Seeing as he was about to pass out, Ness let go and pointed at the floor. "Go to bed, Lucas." 

"But--" 

**_"NOW!"_**

He sighed dejectedly. "Okay..." 

In an effort to slide down the ladder, the darkness of the room made Lucas miss and plummet to the ground below. He made a loud, painful thump upon landing. 

**_"Ooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww...!"_** he howled, starting to sniffle. 

Ness rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't tell me you're gonna cry now! It's only a five-foot drop!" 

_"My arrrrrrm! I-I think I broke it...!"_

"I'll look at it in the morning. Now, go to bed!" Ness spat, burying himself under the covers. 

* * *

_Back in the dream, Paula started walking away, then turned around. **"Ness, when're you coming back?"**_

_**"Huh?"**_

_**"I mean, this is the third time you've gone to this 'Smash Brothers' thing. And it's so boring around here without you..."**_

_**"Oh..."** He rubbed his head. **"Well, I'll be back when it's done."**_

_**"And that would be...?"**_

**_"In a little while."_**

**_"But when's that?"_**

_He shrugged. **"I dunno. Sooner or later."**_

_She sighed. **"But that's not good enough...**_**"**

_**"Well,"** He took her hand, **"how about I give you something to hold you over...?"**_

* * *

Finally getting himself together, Lucas pouted, offended that his horrific accident failed to faze the other psychic. He went up to his bed again.

"Hey, Ness. I think I really need some help here. Y'see, my arm..." 

But he was too far gone to hear him. On top of that, he was a very heavy sleeper... 

_"Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeess..."_ he whined, pushing him, "Seriously, I think something's wrong with my arm... It's really sore..." 

Again, his words fell on deaf ears as a dopey smile spread across Ness' face. Whatever he was dreaming, it must've been good. 

"Ness, this isn't funny..." He leaned over and poked his nose. "I think I'm bleeding internally here... C'mon..." 

His pleas were finally answered as Ness grabbed his hand. 

He smiled. "Oh, good. You're awake. Now, about my arm--" He abruptly stopped when he noticed he was still sleeping. "Uh, Ness?" 

Before he had a chance to question him further, Ness pulled him into a deep kiss. Shocked, Lucas struggled to get out of it, but his resistance paled in comparison to the other boy's strength. To make things worse, he occasionally brushed his hands through his hair, making him feel very uneasy. Tired of fighting, he eventually gave up and just went with it. All he could do was hope no one came in and saw him in this little... predicament. After what seemed like forever, Ness let go, smiling like an idiot. 

"Mmm..." He hugged Lucas, resting his head in his hair. "That was nice..." 

"Well, that's not exactly the word I'd use, but whatever. Now, can you look at my arm...? It _reeeeeeally_ hurts--" 

Ness opened his eyes, realizing that Paula's voice had changed. Upon seeing Lucas buried in his chest, he figured it was a nightmare at first... But with his incessant whining, it was plain to see he was wide awake, and this was real... 

"--and I think I broke it... I mean, I can still move it, but it's a little sore... It might just be a bruise, but I can't really tell...What do you think?" 

A horrible, spine-tingling, bloodcurdling scream of which the likes that've never been heard before erupted through Smash Mansion that night. It was full of anguish, fear, and dread at what'd just happened to its source. It was also loud enough to wake every single sleeping individual in a five mile radius. Needless to say, every light in the house came on and it wasn't long before a fight broke out in the hallway over who'd done it. 

Ness tackled Lucas, sending them both to the floor. The blond scowled. "Ok, you're gonna have to stop doing that. You really _are _gonna break something if this keeps up!"

_**"AND I'M GONNA MAKE SURE IT'S BOTH YOUR ARMS AND LEGS!"**_ he snarled.

"Why? What'd_ I_ do?"

_**"YOU'RE NOT PAULA!"**_

"...Is that a bad thing?" 

**_"Paula is a GIRL, and GUYS only kiss GIRLS! Are you a GIRL?"_**

"No..." 

**_"THEN THAT'S A BAD THING!" _**

"L-look, I'm sorry, o-okay? I-it's not that b-big of a deal! I-it was a-an accident; I understand...!" 

**_"No, you DON'T understand! I just kissed a GUY!"_** He wiped his mouth in disgust, gagging at the very thought. **_"Do you know how WRONG that is?"_**

Lucas scoffed. "Why're you mad at _me_? _You're_ the one who did it!" 

**_"I was dreaming! Who knows what could've happened if I hadn't woken up?" _**

"I don't see why you're getting all bent outta shape over this," he replied, finding his roommate's anger frightening and funny at the same time. "At least it wasn't somebody like Wario!" 

Despite that being a _very_ good point, it didn't stop Ness from glaring daggers at him. Lucas couldn't help but snicker at his eye twitching. 

"I just want some company!" he continued. "Maybe I'm a little lonely! It's not all about you, y'know!" 

Ness stood. "Get up." 

He grinned nervously. "Please don't punch me in the stomach..." 

**_"GET UP!"_**

Trying to stifle his laughter, Lucas stood, clutching the pillow to his stomach. Ness grabbed him and hurled him to the top bunk, climbing up afterwards. 

Seeing his sour expression, Lucas went into hysterics. "N-now, Ness! W-we can talk this out! D-don't do something we'll both regret! Y-you don't still think I'm P-Paula, do you? Just so you know, I-I'm saving myself for that special someone...!" 

He pinned him to the bed, seething. "**_No, you sick loser!_** Just do me a favor and **_go... to... bed...!_** You wanna sleep up here? Fine! Have a field day! I don't care! Just please... **_please_** go to sleep! And if I **_ever_** start doing weird stuff like that in my sleep again, feel free to set the bed on fire!" 

"...B-but I can't! That's destroying property without a purpose! That's illegal, you know..." 

"Then the next time you fall off the bed, it'll be because I threw you, because you'll be **_DEAD_**!" 

He cowered, despite snorting with laughter. He had no idea why he found any of this funny. "Okay, okay! I will! A-and I promise I-I won't bug you anymore! R-really, I won't!" 

Ness let go and slapped him with his pillow as a warning. "Then, for the last time, **_good night_**!" 

Lucas tried to stop laughing and moved around a bit until he got comfortable. The whole thing was very awkward indeed, so now he found it even harder to get to sleep. But it wasn't long before the madness passed and the muffled screams of fighting in the hallway subsided. Within minutes, everything was back to the way it should've been. 

He could feel himself began to relax and finally go to sleep, but winced as a strange, new feeling came over him... It was warm and comforting at first, but he couldn't help but inwardly curse as it began to spread. Biting his lip, he gently tapped Ness' shoulder. 

"Uh... Ness?" 

Ness turned over and grabbed his collar, ready to smother him with the pillow. _"...What? What? **WHAAAAAAT?** What could you possibly want this time? Huh?_ **_HUH? HUUUUUH? ANSWER ME!_**" 

Blushing, Lucas looked down. "I think I had an accident..." 

* * *

**_Authoress' Notes:_**_ Hah! Take **that**, all you Marth/Ike/Roy/Link/Pit fans! XD I dare to be different! Of course, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing... _


	5. All Donuts Are Evil

**_Authoress' Notes:_**_ HAH! This chapter fun to write! Everything from the lunchroom scene had me in stitches! Guess this is kind of a follow-up to last chapter, so yeah..._

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 5:_**_ All Donuts Are Evil_

* * *

The next morning, Ness opened his eyes to find himself lying on the floor, hanging out of the bottom bunk. Last night was horrible; no, it was beyond horrible, it was... it was... Well, he couldn't exactly think of what it was, but it wasn't fun... or peaceful.

No sooner had he thought that, Lucas' cowlick peeked from the top bunk. It wasn't long before his entire face was visible, a stupid, Pikachu-like grin on it.

"Hello," he chirped, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

"..." The grounded Smasher simply stared up at him with as much hate as he could muster, causing him to sweatdrop.

"...And goodbye!" he finished, retreating back into bed.

Ness had no idea how he stayed up there; his little "accident" from the night before was more like a broken dam. Just how much did he drink before going to bed, anyway? Plus, didn't he use the bathroom before? He couldn't understand it...

He remembered his "accident" was what made him throw himself out of bed in hopes of having a concussion so he could forget everything that happened.

He winced, remembering his dream gone horribly wrong. _No, he hadn't forgotten a thing..._

Eyeing the clock, it read 11:50am, ten minutes before lunch started. Usually, by this time, he was already dressed and waiting down stairs for the first serving. But today... he didn't feel like doing a thing...

...But he figured he had to get up sooner or later; he wanted that food, dammit...

Grudgingly getting up, he made his way into the bathroom and slammed the door. Hearing this, Lucas hurriedly jumped out of bed, grabbed his clothes, and ran into the hallway to use the bathroom there. Once finished, he crept back in, only to bump into Ness, who was brushing his teeth. He was wearing his Mr. Saturn shirt, something he did only when he was either really excited or really mad about something.

He meekly waved. "Uh, good morning..."

"..." Ness sneered, continuing to brush. Lucas noticed he was doing it extra-long and extra-hard today. Probably because of last night...

He was struggling on something to say when he suddenly winced, remembering the toothbrush mix-up. "Uh, Ness? Sorry to say this... but I think that's my toothbrush..."

"...!" He immediately stopped brushing and ran back into the bathroom, slamming the door. It wasn't before his retching could be heard.

"...Uh, then I guess I'll see you at lunch...?"

* * *

**_At lunch..._**

Lucas looked around the table everyone usually sat at and sighed; Kirby, Pikachu, Nana, Popo, and himself... All were there, except for Ness. Where was he, anyway?

Almost on cue, he appeared with his lunch on a tray. Seeing him, Lucas' face perked up, then saddened as he went to a table full of villains. Bowser, Wario, Wolf, and Ganondorf were baffled; no goody two-shoes _ever_ sat with them...

Ganondorf snorted. "What's the pipsqueak doing here?"

Wario shrugged. "Eh, probably looking for a handout."

"Here's something for ya," Bowser threw an apple core at him. "Now scram!"

**_"...I don't want your stinkin' leftovers!"_** Ness grabbed the apple core and forcefully jammed it up his nose, making him wail as he tried to scrape it out. He turned to Wolf. "I wanna sit here for a change. Gotta problem with that?"

Wolf smirked. "Y'got guts, kid. And that outfit's not too shabby, either. Thanks for joining the Dark Side table for lunch. Take a seat and have a cookie."

"Don't mind if I do." He sampled an evil cookie.

"So, kid. Ever think of taking over the world?"

"I used to be friends with a kid who tried to take over the world. He's fat, too."

Fox's rival grinned. "How deliciously malicious."

Wario thrust a finger at Ganondorf. "HA! In your face, loser! And you said fat guys couldn't do it!"

"Meh..."

At that moment, Lucas timidly approached. "Hi, Ness... Um... y-you wanna come back and sit with us? Y'know, your friends...?"

Ness made a face. "..."

"Hey! We don't allow babies here!" growled Bowser, fishing the apple core out of his nose and tossing it at him. "Beat it! Your little friend's dining with the Dark Side table! Go back to the Super Happy Baby Land table!"

Ganondorf laughed. "Yeah! Only the bad boys eat here! Why, you're just a little creampuff!"

Wario opened his mouth wide. "And we just might wanna eat _you_!"

**_"Aah!"_** Lucas squealed, running back over to the others. The villains laughed and jeered as he did.

"Hey, what gives? Why's Ness sitting with them?" asked Nana, seeing this.

Kirby gasped. "...You think he's gone over to the Dark Side forever?"

Pikachu shrugged. ("Well, they _do _have cookies...")

He smiled. "Mmm, cookies..."

Lucas sighed. "Actually, I think he might be mad at me..."

Nana ate some grapes. "Why?"

"Oh, it's 'cause of something stupid I... uh, he... uh, we did last night..."

"And that was...?"

"...I don't wanna talk about it..."

Pikachu waved it off. ("Aw, don't worry about it. That free-for-all last night was no joke; don't feel bad being part of it.")

Kirby slurped up some sushi. "I thought it was kinda fun! In the dead of night, for _no_ reason at all, everyone just came together and beat the crud outta each other... _in their pajamas! _Boy, am I glad I came back this year!"

("Yeah, but they never did find out where that scream came from. I still think it was Mario; whoever it was had a good set of lungs on 'em, and he's that kinda guy.")

Lucas laughed nervously. "Y-yeah... Heh heh... Sure..."

"Okay! Okay!" Popo smirked. "So, my plan for bringing Schlemiel back is this: we go out to his grave... and do a ritual! Huh? Huh? Greatest idea in the world, or what?"

Nana sweatdropped. "Popo, we already did that, remember?"

"No, no! But it won't be like that this time! It'll be completely different!"

"How?"

"...Well, see, I was thinking we just go out and do a ritual. Y'know, with maybe, uh... a big book of some kind."

"We already did that!"

"How about... a phone book! Yeah! And Ness could read it! He's all into that weird, otherworldly stuff, right?"

Nana slammed her hands on the table. _"We already did that!"_

("Come to think of it... I don't think I saw you or Ness last night. Where were you?")

"Oh, we were out there,"Lucas lied, "you just... didn't see us?"

("No, no... I would've heard you screaming...")

"And Ness is pretty easy to spot, but I didn't see him," added Kirby.

"And the sky would crack open and strike Schlemiel's grave with lightning, then he'd come back to life! Is that awesome, or what?"

**_"We... already... did that!"_** shouted Nana, for the twentieth time. "Two days ago! Don't you remember?"

"Remember what?"

"When Lucas got struck by lightning? After Ness tried to bring Schlemiel back!"

Popo smiled. "Oh, yeah! Speaking of which, here's my idea on how to bring Schlemiel back! I'm thinking we should go out to his grave and do a ritual!"

Nana twitched.**_ "Must... not... kill...!"_**

Pikachu looked over at the other table. ("Well, whatever you did, he looks pretty pissed about it. But we need him to help get Schlemiel back, so maybe you two should kiss and make up.")

**_"...Ugh!"_**

Hearing the "kiss" part, the donut Lucas was eating suddenly decided to go down the wrong way. He hit his chest to try and cough it up, but that only made it worse. Unable to breathe, he jumped up and grabbed his neck, gagging.

Popo shushed him. "Lucas, _shhhhh!_ I'm trying to think up what kind of book we can read at Schlemiel's ritual!"

Kirby gasped. "OMG, he's choking!"

Pikachu dropped a drumstick. _("Somebody call an ambulance!")_

"I'll handle this!" Running over to the choking boy, Nana smacked him in the back with her hammer, forcing the half-eaten pastry out and across the lunchroom, where it hit Luigi in the face.

**_"Aah! I'm blind!"_** he screamed, disoriented.

In a panic, he ran until he bumped into Mario, causing him throw a tray full of Super Mushrooms in the air, where they eventually landed on several Pikmin eating lunch with Olimar. This caused most of them to grow to gigantic proportions and stampede off in fear of what just happened. Seeing this, Fox spit out his hot coffee on Falco, who, in pain, ran in search for some water. As he ran around crazily, he accidentally stepped on Bowser's tail, causing him to set off a volley of fire in anger.

Marth, Ike, and Link were discussing the fine art of swordplay when, all of a sudden, Link's tunic caught fire. In horror, he did the craziest dance to try and put it out, but only succeeded in setting Ike ablaze. Marth, not sure what to do, grabbed Squirtle to try and put him out, but missed and hit Donkey Kong, destroying his and Diddy's Super Supreme Banana Splits.

Furious at their drenched lunch, the two apes threw banana peels in all directions, most hitting the floor. Samus just happened to be walking by with some cake and slipped on one, falling forward and slamming the dessert into Zelda's face. Fuming, she picked up what was left of it and tried to smash it into the bounty hunter's face, but she also slipped on a banana peel and fell over backwards on a walking cardboard box, sending it flying. While the box landed on Ness' head, Snake emerged and tried to get back under it, but the impact with Zelda set off one of his grenades, causing a huge explosion. Left with only a portion of the singed box, Snake stumbled backwards, hitting a vacant Jigglypuff.

Wolf, who was laughing at the whole thing, got smacked in the stomach by her and fell backwards onto a table where Peach, Yoshi, and King Dedede were having pizza. His fall tipped the table and launched the food through the air until it smacked R.O.B. in the face. Short-circuiting, he ran amok, unintentionally attacking Mr. Game & Watch, who retaliated by using Judge. He managed to get a nine, but missed and hit Toon Link, sending him sailing across the room and into Captain Falcon, who lost his balance and shoved a loitering Ganondorf to the ground.

Enraged, he tried to punch him for revenge, but Falcon grabbed an unsuspecting Sonic, using him for a shield. The punch connected, and Sonic slid across the floor, knocking over Meta Knight, whose sword was flung into the air. The blade stabbed Pit's wing to a table, causing him to scream bloody murder. His screech happened to be right in Lucario's ear, who punched him as hard as he could to get him to shut up. As he tried to regain his balance from the attack, Pit ran full force into Wario, who'd just finished eating a buffet of onions and garlic...

In the distance, one would've heard a faint explosion, accompanied by a mushroom cloud of noxious fumes.

* * *

Every single Smasher ran for cover from the lunchroom, reeking of Wario's stench. Utter chaos broke loose as most ran out into the front yard, trying to air themselves out. Others ran for the bathrooms, with soap, towels, and washcloths flying all over the place. Feet were stepped on, swords were slashed, and guns were fired. Desperate to get the smell off, shower heads and faucets in several bathrooms were broken off, sending searing hot and icy cold water everywhere. It wasn't long before most of the bathrooms flooded, soaking half of the entire house.

Pikachu, Kirby, Nana, Popo, and Lucas still sat in the lunchroom, amazed and shocked at the madness that'd just taken place all from a single piece of food.

Pikachu cleared his throat. ("...Well, _that _sure was a good way to start off the day.")

Kirby laughed. "Wow! That was _awesome_! I haven't seen that much madness since, uh... last night! _Hahahahaha!_"

Drinking some milk, Lucas regained his composure. "...Thank you, Nana..."

"No problem! And Kirby was right; that _was_ awesome!"

Popo grabbed a cheeseburger. "I'll say! Hey, when everyone comes back, can you do that again?"

Just then, Toon Link popped up from under the table. "Ow... Man, that Game & Watch guy is scary. I didn't even do anything, and he just smashes me in the head for no reason!"

Pikachu drank some soda. ("Yeah, he_ is_ a bit of an asshole...")

The alternate Link held up something. "I think he just wanted my candy. It's a good thing he didn't get it, though. It took me forever to find this!"

Nana's eyes widened in horror. "Idiot! T-that's not candy! _It's a Smart Bomb!_"

Toon Link whimpered. "Uh oh..."

Kirby looked around frantically. "...Okay, okay... Don't p-panic... J-just... put the b-bomb down... _V-very slowly..._"

"O-okay..." Nodding, he gently placed it on table. Several tense seconds passed before everyone sighed.

"Whew, that was too close for comfort," remarked the Star Warrior.

Pikachu hit the cartoony Link. ("What's the matter with you? How could you think something like that was candy?")

"Wishful thinking?"

As Lucas tried drinking more milk, he suddenly spit it out, gagging on one last piece of donut still in his windpipe. In distress, he slammed his hands on the table and hacked it up, hitting the explosive. Needless to say, everybody freaked out.

**_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" _**

**_

* * *

Sometime later..._**

With half of the mansion still flooded, the lunchroom in shambles from the Smart Bomb, and many of the Smashers still running around like mad, the few that hadn't been affected stood out on the lawn and away from the madness. All slightly charred from the Smart Bomb explosion, they shook themselves clean.

Pikachu coughed from the scattered soot. ("Who knew something like this would happen? I mean, I know things get a little crazy sometimes, but this is ridiculous...")

"I think we're the only sane ones around here," added Nana.

Kirby scoffed. "You_ must_ be kidding..."

Lucas sighed, feeling depressed. "I guess..."

Nana put a hand on his shoulder. "Whatever you did to Ness must've been pretty bad for it to bother you like this."

("Yeah. Maybe if you tell us, we can help.")

"N-no! I can't! He'll kill me...!" Horrified, he blushed and walked away, everyone following.

Popo bounced up and down excitedly. "Ooh, ooh! Guessing game! Guessing game! Lemme see... Uh, did you push him down a flight of stairs?"

"No!"

"Break his favorite bat?" guessed Nana.

"No!"

("Made fun of his hat hair?")

"No!"

Kirby snickered. "Walked in on him in the shower?"

"NO!"

Popo scratched his head. "...Pushed him down a flight of stairs?"

"No! Quit guessing!" He picked up the pace.

Pikachu snapped his fingers. ("Y'know what? I bet you two were roughhousing after midnight and got caught. That's probably what started the fight in the hallway!")

"_Noooooooo!"_ he squealed, now running. "Stop guessing! I said I don't wanna talk about it!"

Kirby laughed. "Aw, c'mon. It can't be that bad. I mean, it's not like you kissed him, or anything..."

**_"Uh--!"_** Lucas stopped dead in his tracks.

"..." Nana gawked. "...Lucas... You didn't...!"

He whirled around to face her. _"I didn't say a word! I didn't say **anything**!" _

"You don't have to!" said Popo. "You're blushing like mad!"

Pikachu tried not to laugh. ("So,_ that's_ why we didn't see you two last night!")

Kirby backed away. "...You're not this friendly with _all_ the guys, are you?"

"**_N-NO!_**_ Shut up!_ It was an accident!" he bawled. "It was all his fault anyway! He started it!"

Pikachu smirked. ("Yeah, but who finished it?")

Lucas felt like fainting. _"No, i-it wasn't like that...!"_

The mouse nodded. ("Ah, well, no wonder Ness is so mad. Doing that was an insult to his dignity, not to mention his manhood... And with his own best friend, too...")

Nana frowned at him as Lucas' lip trembled. "I thought we were supposed to be making him feel better."

("Oh! Well, then... Uh, at least you didn't like it any more than he did. Maybe you two can laugh over it at dinner.")

Lucas twitched. "..."

He sweatdropped. ("...You liked it, didn't you?")

He looked down, mumbling, "...Well, maybe... A little..."

"Well, you've always been a bit girly, so..." Kirby trailed off, not meaning to be so blunt.

"What?" He pouted. "I'm _not_ girly!"

Everyone raised an eyebrow, trying not laugh as he crossed his arms.

"...You guys suck so much." Irritated and embarrassed, he was about to leave when he bumped into someone, falling back down. "Ooh, watch where you're going, you big--!"

"...Big what?"

Horrified, he looked up. "N-Ness! I didn't say anything! Really! I wasn't even talking about you, and if you think I was, then you're wrong, 'cause I wasn't--!"

Nana slapped a hand over his mouth. "Please stop talking."

"...I heard from a slightly reliable source that all that stuff at lunch was because you choked on a donut..." He took a bite out of an evil cookie. "Is that true?"

"It was an accident, I swear! I mean, I wasn't even trying to do it! I was just minding my own business, then the donut, like, attacked me! It was horrible!"

After staring at him like he was insane, Ness laughed. "Wow. That has got to be the craziest, stupidest... coolest thing you've ever done."

"...Really?"

"Yeah, I couldn't do something that crazy, stupid, or cool even if I tried."

"So, you're not mad anymore?"

"...I guess not..." He eyed the others, making sure they didn't know what he was talking about, even though they actually did.

"Then..." He smiled. "Hug?"

"Wha?" He held his hands out in protest. "No, I'm good."

"Aw, c'mon." He inched closer. "Please?"

"No, I forgive you. It's okay, really."

"But it's not officially over until there's a hug."

He kept backing away. "Can't I just give you a handshake?"

"No, that's too informal. I wanna hug."

"Damn it, Lucas! Why do you always have to make things so difficult? I don't wanna--!" He sighed in defeat as he happily glomped him. "...Okay, you've got it outta your system. Please let go."

_("Oooooooh!")_ taunted Pikachu. ("Ness and Lucas, sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!")

Hearing that, Ness spit out the evil cookie and grabbed Lucas. _**"YOU TOLD THEM?"**_

He half-cried, half-laughed. "It was an accident! They guessed! Please don't punch me in the stomach..."

("C'mon! Give 'em a smooch! You know you want to!") he continued.

_"Oh, so you think that's funny? Then this'll be **hilarious**!"_ Pulling a whistle out of his pocket, he blew into it. Exactly 0.17 seconds later, Pikachu was attacked by millions of Mr. Saturns that conveniently dropped from the sky.

**_"AUGH! THEY'RE EATING MY SPLEEN!"_** came the Pokémon's muffled cries under the horde of aliens.

Lucas sweatdropped. "Since when could you do that?"

_**"With this shirt, I can do ANYTHING!"**_ Ness then proceeded to laugh like a maniacal genius, complete with lightning flashing in the background.

"...You sure it's not that evil cookie you ate?"

He frowned. "Actually, I think it made me a little gassy..."

Nana scratched her head. "...Well, at least they're friends again..."

Kirby raised an eyebrow. "You're using the term lightly, right?"

Popo frowned. "Yeah, yeah, that's all and good, but listen to my idea! In order to bring Schlemiel back, we should go and do one of those ritual things... It'll rock so hard!"

**_

* * *

Authoress' Notes: _**_Uh, not much else to say, except Ness' Mr. Saturn shirt is all-powerful and cannot be stopped._


	6. Loser Stole My Bike!

_**Authoress' Notes:** Lol, this chapter is actually kinda on-track with the plot, and yet, nothing happens._

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 6:_**_ Loser Stole My Bike!_

* * *

Ness slammed his hands down on the table. "Okay, everyone shut up and listen to me!"

"..." Everyone other than the other psychic kept their eyes glued to the TV. 

Lucas waved his hand, smiling. "I'm listening!" 

He sweatdroped. "Whoop-dee-doo. Now, could everyone _else_ look at me? Hello? I'm talking here! Listen!" 

"..." No one even took a glance at him. 

With a snap of his fingers, the entire room randomly exploded. Everyone coughed on the resulting smoke. 

("WTF, Ness? We're trying to watch TV!") spat Pikachu, still a little sore over the Mr. Saturn attack. ("You didn't hafta go all mental and blow our heads off!") 

"Yeah, that shirt of yours is... pure evil," remarked Nana, looking at it. 

He ignored her. "It has come to my attention that Schlemiel is still very dead, and we haven't done a thing about it! Someone's gonna notice he's missing sooner or later!" 

"How? Everyone's been fighting like mad ever since he died!" 

Nana frowned. "Popo, no one's fought in an official match in the last three days..." 

He crossed his arms. "Oh, like you would know?" 

"_Everyone_ knows!" 

"I know you are, but what am I?" 

"..." Popo soon found himself on the floor at the mercy of Nana's hammer. 

"So, let's get together on what we should do about this. Anyone got any ideas?"

"Um, bribe someone to make another Schlemiel?" suggested Nana.

"Too complicated."

("_Force_ someone to make another Schlemiel?") put in Pikachu.

"Too predictable."

Kirby raised his hand... nub. "Kill R.O.B. and use his body to make a new Schlemiel, while telling the others he was abducted by aliens?"

"Cool, but too much work."

"Ask someone if they could please fix him up without telling anybody else?" said Lucas.

"...No."

Popo suddenly woke up. "Call the ice cream man!"

Ness sweatdropped. "..."

"Well, why don't we just tell everyone what happened and we all work together and get a new Schlemiel?" Lucas smiled. "It was an accident, right? I bet they'll understand. That's the right thing to do."

Pikachu zapped him. ("Did you hit your head on something? We can't tell anybody! We're trying to do this_ without_ getting our hair ripped out with duct tape!")

Kirby snickered. "I don't have hair."

("Then your face will die.")

"..." the puffball twitched.

"What to do, what to do..." Ness paced the floor. "Look, I know you guys aren't the brightest in the bunch, but somebody's gotta come up with _something_!"

("I haven't heard any ideas from _you_,") said Pikachu, grinning.

"Naw, my idea is pretty much pretending I had nothing to do with it."

("Nice...") he sarcastically replied.

"Maybe we could get the machinery from somewhere else?" Kirby paused. "Y'know, without killing anybody..."

"Everyone who has any decent machinery is a big loser..."

"Yeah," added Nana, "They wouldn't trust a bunch of kids, a Pokémon, and a... thing with all that hi-tech stuff."

Kirby pouted. "You have no idea how insulting that was."

("I say we steal something and blame it on Wario. That guy's always around when stuff starts disappearing.")

"Hey! Who said my name?" Almost on cue, Wario drove up in his motorbike, nearly running over the electric rodent. 

Nana narrowed her eyes. "Speak of the devil..."

"Hey, wuss!" he taunted, knocking Lucas over. "Nice riot earlier! Maybe if you weren't such a wuss, you could be a bad guy!" 

He frowned. "But that's bad..." 

Popo scoffed. "Yeah, right. Even if he was a bad guy, he'd a pretty _bad _one! Hahaha! Get it? A _bad _bad guy, as in a weak one?" 

Lucas frowned. "Uh, rubbing salt in the wounds here..."

"Yeah, he ain't got the guts! But that's okay, 'cause he'll always be our little wussy-wuss, huh?" He added to the insult by messing up the young boy's hair, making it look like a bird's nest. 

Although Lucas was a bit wimpy and very easy to pick on, there was one thing he absolutely had an issue with, and Wario had just done it... 

**_"STOP MESSING UP MY HAIR!"_** he roared, doing a vicious roundhouse kick and knocking the fat man off his bike, plowing his face into the floor. 

_"Of course!" _Kirby smiled inwardly as he got an idea. "_That's it! It's so simple!"_

Then, for seemingly no reason at all, he jumped onto Wario's bike. Turning the handles, he took off, leaving everyone in a thick cloud of smoke. 

Popo laughed. "Go, man, go!"

"Hey, loser!" growled Wario. "That's my bike! Bring Margarita back! Loser stole my bike!" 

Pikachu sweatdropped. ("...Your bike's named Margarita?")

"Shut up! I don't tell you how to live your life!"

Nana made a face. "Well, it's plain to see Kirby has lost what little of his mind he had left..."

Ness could've cared less as he made a beeline for the lunchroom. "Ooh, it's 6:00! Dinnertime!"

* * *

_**At dinner...**_

("Uh...") Pikachu looked around. ("How'd the lunchroom get fixed so fast?")

"Yeah! It looks even better than it did _before_ we blew it to bits!" added Nana.

Mario looked around suspiciously. "...Nobody really knows..."

"Well, I, for one, don't really care," Ness said, already digging into his food. 

Pikachu groaned. ("I don't know why we even put up with you anymore...")

("Psst, hey... Didja hear?") whispered a nearby Jigglypuff to Luigi. ("I heard Kirby stole Wario's bike! Pass the word.") 

"Hey, listen..." whispered the plumber to Fox, "You'll never believe this, but I heard through the grapevine that Kirby stole somebody's mike! Pass the word." 

The vulpine tapped Link's shoulder. "Hey, kid. You heard the news? There's some guy going around stealing Like Likes. Weird, huh? Pass the word." 

Link pulled Peach over. "Hey, get a load of this... There's a madman running around killing everybody he likes! Pass the word." 

"Oh, dear!" She went over to a cardboard box. "Hey, listen up! There's a criminal on the loose who's unjustified! Pass the word!" 

"Hmm..." The box went over to Nana. "Have you heard? The animal that's on the loose just made ten cream pies. Pass the word."

She scooted away. "...Have you ever considered therapy?"

The box was about to answer when a loud, revving noise could be heard coming from outside. Everyone ignored it and kept eating, but it just kept getting louder and louder until Pikachu, fed up with it, stood on the table to see what it was.

("Is that... Kirby?")

Ness squinted. "Where?"

He sweatdropped. ("Uh, right there in front of your face? Barreling towards us at 300 miles per hour?")

He squinted more and more, making various weird faces until Kirby was inches away. At that point, he reared back._** "...Oh, snap!"**_

Before anyone else could react, Kirby smashed through the window with Margarita, slamming into Snake and setting off all his explosives, blowing up half the lunchroom.

Pikachu lifted an ear. ("Uh, wow. That was actually _expected_...")

Lucas blinked. "Huh?"

Kirby sat up from the wreckage. "Ouch... That hurt..."

"Of course that hurt!" shouted an irate Marth."You just smashed through the window at full-speed and blew up Snake!"

"And my really cool box... again..." sighed the assassin.

Disregarding the swordsman, Kirby suddenly sucked up the bike. "Hmm, tastes like cell phones..."

Nana backed away. "...I'm sure it does."

"**_MARGARITA! NOOOOOOOOO--_** Oh, well." Wario shrugged, pulling out another bike. "C'mon, Shiggy, let's ride on in her honor!"

Starting the engine, he jumped on and rode out through an unbroken part of the window, officially breaking through it. For several minutes, the entire place was silent, save for Ness stealing people's food. After surveying the scene, he asked the one question that may never be answered:

"...What is _wrong_ with you people?"

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes:** Wow, this chapter reminded me of Chapter 2 for some reason..._


	7. This chapter title was stolen by ninjas

**_Authoress' Notes:_**_ Another slight spoiler from SSE, but it's not that bad. Anyway, this chapter was based on something stupid I thought up that dealt with why a certain boss is in SSE. Hey, it could happen! _

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 7: _**_(This chapter title was stolen by ninjas)_

**_

* * *

The next day..._**

Sprawled out on the front lawn, Ness sighed. "Man... I can't think of one good way to get Schlemiel back. We've tried everything we could possibly think of, but nothing seems to be working..."

Next to him, Nana also sighed, but in irritation. "What're you talking about? The only thing we've tried so far was that ritual thing! We haven't even been back to his grave since!"

"Yeah..." Popo said, next to her. "Maybe we should just give up and become fumigators..."

Pikachu frowned. ("...I think you mean fugitives...")

"Yeah, that, too."

Kirby pondered. "Well, maybe we're going about this thing all wrong..."

The mouse closed his eyes. "Yeah, and stealing Wario's bike was such a good idea?"

"Uh..."

"..." Lucas probably would've defended the puffy blob, but he was too busy sleeping to even notice... or care.

All of a sudden, a violently breeze rushed by. How violent was it? Well, let's just say it was violent enough to throw all six friends into a tree, pull the tree from its roots, and throw it into a nearby river. Yeah, it was pretty violent.

Nana crawled out of the stream, the others close behind. "WTF was _that_?"

Pikachu looked at the pink thing. ("Kirby...")

He put his nubs up in defense. "Seriously, I didn't do anything! I would've admitted it by now, honest!"

Lucas rubbed his head, groaning. "Urgh, can't a guy get a decent 14-hour nap without being killed? I mean, really..."

"Yes, poor you." Ness threw him back in the water, where he was randomly attacked by a Gyarados.

"Uh, maybe it was that guy up there." Popo pointed at a giant, green dragon hovering above them. "He looks pretty guilty."

("Behold, I am the emissary of the sky, Rayquaza!") he barked. ("And I have been sent here by my master to find the one known as Ness!")

"Uh..." The psychic meekly waved a hand. "That'd be me."

("Greetings, Ness. My name is NessKiller, and you're just the one I've been looking for!")

He frowned. "...'NessKiller'?"

("Yeah, some guy caught me and gave that name. I think it sucks, but whaddya gonna do?")

"Uh, what'd he look like?" asked Kirby.

("Hmm, really fat, had some kind of mechanical contraption, freaking annoying...")

Pikachu's jaw dropped. ("Oh, you gotta be kidding me! Of all the people in this world, how could you let yourself get caught by _Porky_?!")

Popo did a double-take. "WTF, that's who that was? I thought it was Sonic!"

NessKiller shrugged. ("He had a Master Ball; what could I do?")

("Oh, yeah. I feel your pain. Damn Master Balls...")

Nana couldn't believe it. "'NessKiller'? He _actually_ named you that? I mean, _really_?"

("Hey, I'm not happy about it either! I was thinking something more along the lines of... Rupert.")

"...I like 'Dandelion' better," vouched Popo.

("And now that I belong to him, he's my master... unfortunately.")

"And we care because...?" questioned Ness.

("Because I've been sent here to kill you.")

He winced. "_Oooooooooooooooooooooh..._ yeah. I'd care about that."

("Oh, good. Now that that's out of the way, **_DIE_**!")

**_"Aaaaaah!"_** He ran like mad, just dodging a Hyper Beam.

"Quick! We gotta think of a way to stop this guy!" Nana shouted.

Kirby tiptoed away. "Yeah... right over here in these bushes."

In a split second, everyone had jumped for the bushes, watching NessKiller try to live up to his name.

Lucas looked at Pikachu. "Isn't Rayquaza a Pokémon? Is there any way to kill him?"

("Uh, he hates ice.")

"Perfect, then you guys can go! You even have 'ice' in your name!" Kirby kicked the Ice Climbers out. "You can do it!"

"H-hey, now! Wait a minute!" Nana jumped back in the bushes with Popo. "W-we can't fight him!"

"And why not?"

"'Cause, uh... well, he can fly!"

"Yeah, and as many time as I've tried doing it, I can't seem to stay airborne." Popo shrugged. "It's sad, really."

His female counterpart smiled nervously. "So, y'see, that's why we can't fight him! I mean, we'd love to, but... yeah."

Lucas tittered. "That's lame. You're just too chicken to do it."

Nana narrowed her eyes. "...Well, if I can remember correctly, you have this attack called PK Freeze. And since you're just so _sure_ of yourself, why don't you take our place?"

("Oh, yeah!") Pikachu turned to him. ("Well, what're waiting for? Do it!")

His face paled. "...Do I look I like a hero to you?"

("No chance in Hell, but we gotta save him, and you're our only hope!")

Looking around, he sunk down in the bushes, smiling lazily. "..._Errrrrrrrrrrrrrgh_, I'm tired... I don't wanna... And my butt hurts."

Kirby shook his head. "Wow, you really are pathetic."

"He'll be fine. He's stronger than me anyway..." He kept sinking into the brush with the same dopey smile. "Ooh, I'm just_ soooooooooo_ exhausted. I don't feel like doing much of anything today... And my butt is _killing_ me. _Man, I'm so sleepy..."_

"Hey, whaddya about you? Can't you turn into Ice Kirby?" pointed out the male Ice Climber. "Plus, you can fly, right? So, if we give you the ice, why don't _you _go get 'em?"

Gasping, Nana grabbed him. "OMG, Popo! What a great idea! That's gotta be the smartest thing you've ever said... **_EVER_**!"

A stupid grin made its way to his face. "Really? Cool! And here I thought thinking was bad for you!"

Kirby smiled nervously. "Well, see, about that... Uh, I'm allergic to dragons. If I go near one, I'll spontaneously combust."

Pikachu sweatdropped. ("...You're kidding, right?")

"You wanna take a chance and find out?"

("...Oh, well. At least Ness'll be seeing Schlemiel real soon...")

**_("STUPID BOY!")_** roared NessKiller. **_("DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU CAN ESCAPE ME?!")_**

"If I say 'no', will you stop chasing me?" he shouted, running for dear life.

("HA! I laugh at you! Laugh, do you hear? Dragons are usually very serious and refrain from laughing at such silly things, but you asked for it! DAHAHAHA!")

He kept running. "Look, I'm sure we can work this out! I'm a really nice guy! As a matter of fact, I love dragons! Why can't we all just get along?"

("That's not gonna work, fool! Fatty told me to kill you, and that's what I'm gonna do! I'll try and make it as painful as I can!")

**_"NOOOOOOOOOO!"_** At that point, he tripped over an inconveniently-placed rock and fell. "Dammit!"

NessKiller hung over him menacingly, ready to do the unthinkable, especially since no one knew what he was gonna do. He was just about to do that unknown thing when his nostrils flared. Backing up, he started smelling his would-be victim.

("...You smell like cookies.")

"Huh?"

("Cookies. You really smell like them... Do you have any?")

He reached into his pocket and pulled out an evil cookie from the other day. "...This?"

("Aw, sweet! It's an evil cookie, too! Those are my fav! Can I have it? Please? The fat kid never feeds me anything.")

"Uh, yeah..."

He gently took it and flew off, calling out, ("Say, thanks! And that fat kid was wrong; you're not half-bad! See ya later!")

Popo hunched his shoulders stupidly. "What a twist!"

Pikachu nodded. ("...And I have absolutely nothing to add to that...")

Ness jumped up and pushed him to the ground. **_"YOU GUYS FREAKING SUCK! I THOUGHT I WAS SCREWED!"_**

The rodent shrugged it off. ("Naw, Rayquaza's not that crazy. He probably would've just tore your arm off or something. Nothing major."

**_"I heard every single one of you half-wits over there! Not one of you tried to save me! WTF?!"_**

"Well, you kinda brought it upon yourself for once being friends with that guy..." Kirby shrugged. "Everyone knows fat people can't be trusted... especially if they're also bent on killing you."

"And **_YOU!_**" He thrust a finger at Lucas. **_"You..."_**

"...Does this have anything to do with the kissing thing? Because if it does, you really need to let that go."

"I save your ass from being turned into a trophy, and **_THIS _**is the thanks I get?! Being inanimate is **_NOT_** fun, Lucas! _It... isn't... fun...!"_

"Well, I got you back! Besides, after what happened yesterday, I don't owe you jack!" He grinned. "If anything, _you _owe _me_!"

**_"For what?!"_**

"...For bein' mean."

Snarling, he rolled up his sleeves. **_"...You think your butt hurts now, then wait 'til I'm through with you!"_**

The blond backed away, waving his hands in defense. "N-now, wait! Let's j-just calm down! T-the feeling is mutual, okay? R-really, it is! _The feeling is mutual!_"

**_"I'mma 'mutual' you!"_**

He then proceeded to give chase for about 30 seconds before Lucas sprinted off to who-knows-where, making Ness eat his dust... literally.

**_

* * *

Authoress' Notes:_**_ Ehh, like I said, it could've happened..._


	8. Spider Pig Gets His Just Desserts

**_Authoress' Notes:_**_ Wow, these chapters just keep getting weirder and weirder... _

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 8:_**_ Spider Pig Gets His Just Desserts (Even Though the Cake is a Lie)_

**_

* * *

Sometime later, in the Training Room..._**

"Y'know what?" muttered Ness, punching Sandbag to let loose some frustration. "I'm sick and tired of this!"

Lucas looked up. "Of what?"

"Of Porky bein' such an ass! Siccing Rayquaza on me like that was just plain wrong! Doesn't that guy have any other people to annoy/kill?"

("Apparently not, or he wouldn't be after you.") answered Pikachu.

"_Your punching officially sucks just as much as your face,"_ blatantly remarked Sandbag. _"C'mon and punch me like a man... unless you're something else."_

"**_STFU!"_** He threw a PK Fire at him.

"_Wow, you suck. What was that? A love tap? I wish I had arms so I could smack you for sucking so much."_

"**_GRRRRRRRRRRRR!" _**

Nana laughed. "Don't let him get to you, Ness. You know he's just saying that to get you mad so you'll hit him harder."

**_"Yeah, and it sure is working!"_**

_"Yes, listen to the girl child over there. She is so much better than you. She made me bleed CDs the other day, which is more than what I can say for you."_

_**"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"**_ He did several perfect combos on the punching bag, causing him to randomly produce a strawberry cake.

"_Good job. For taking sucking to a new level, you get cake. That should've been a smorgasbord, but you suck, so I guess I can't expect too much else."_

"**_I'LL SHOW YOU--!"_** Ness was about to lay the smackdown on that mofo fo sho, when a certain, annoying piggish voice called out...

**_"Hey, Pig's Butt!"_**

This caused him to miss Sandbag and fall flat on his face. "Oh no..."

"_I reiterate, you suck. There's no trying to hide it. Embrace it, feel it, love it, and know that you do and forever will... suck."_

Pikachu perked up. ("Is that who I think it is?")

Nana rubbed her head. "Unfortunately..."

In a huge explosion, a significantly younger Porky busted through the wall in his spider mech, despite the door being inches away. "Hey, what's up? I missed you guys! Okay, well not really, 'cause you all bite big wind, but yeah..."

"Porky, what're you doing back here?" asked Kirby.

"Uh, it's Thursday. I was told to come back today."

"Oh, yeah..." Nana scowled at Popo. "Somebody _did_ tell you that, didn't he?"

Lucas was just as confused as ever. "Who told when to come what?"

"Hey, look! It's Spider Pig!" Popo rubbed his chin. "Hmm, but you look different... Did you lose some weight?"

Ness snorted. "You're kidding, right?"

"Nope!" Porky smiled. "I'm young again 'cause I went back in time... again!"

"Why?"

"Well, I finally figured out how to go back in time, so I went back to right before our final battle and told my young self about the future and what would happen. Needless to say, I freaked out and killed my old self, took this awesome mech, and came back here to kill you!**_ DAHAHAHAHA!_**"

After a long moment of silence, Pikachu shook his head. ("You... you really need help. You really do.")

Ness made a face. "Wow. I used to hate your guts. Now I just plain feel sorry for you."

"Shut up, Pig's Butt! I refuse your sympathy! Prepare to die..." His rival got into a stance as he pulled out several pizza boxes. "...Right after we eat pizza!"

"WTF?"

"Ah, great!" Popo plopped down nearby. "Spider Pig brought pizza! And it has SAUSAGE TOPPINGS, HELL YEAH!"

"Yeah, you'd better like it, 'cause I ain't gettin' anything else, loser."

"Haha! 'Loser', he says! Man, you always crack me up! It's just like the good ol' days, huh?"

Nana facefaulted. "We haven't known him for _that _long!"

Lucas stood his ground. "So, what? You're gonna try and kill Ness again? Is that it? Huh? **_HUH?!_**"

"Well, duh, but just 'cause I'm gonna kill 'em doesn't mean we can't have a nice pizza party before I rip his guts out and feed 'em to Fluffykins here."

"Who?"

In a poof of red smoke, he appeared and bowed. "I am, how do you say,_ muy_ excited to be soon devouring you, _Señor Ness_."

His would-be prey backed away. "...Yeeeeah."

"So, you're saying you wanna sit and eat pizza with us?" asked Kirby.

"Yeah, or else Fluffykins will kill you."

Sweatdropping, Lucas joined Popo. "Well, what're we waiting for? Let's eat! Heh heh..."

Getting out of the spider mech, Porky began to pace the floor. "Yeah, and while you stuff your faces, allow me to lay down some new rules!"

Popo lifted his head from eating. "Come again?"

He pointed to the bird on Fluffykins' head. "A little birdie told me you guys murdered some Schlemiel guy a few days ago, but you're the only ones who know about it, right?"

Pikachu lowered his ears. ("Uh oh...")

"Well, if you guys don't do what I say and let me brutally kill Ness, I'll tell everyone else all about it!"

"You nerd!" growled Ness. "That's blackmail!"

"Like I care." He rubbed his hands together. "Just think; all of you will be kicked outta here for good after everyone finds out you killed of one of your own precious, little fighter friends!"

Lucas raised an eyebrow. "Uh, you do know that Schlemiel's actually a--"

Kirby covered his mouth. "A very dead Smasher! Yeah, that's what he is, all right! He is totally not a video game console that we all love and worship like a brother!"

"Right! And that's exactly why I'm gonna tell on you if you don't give in to my commands!"

"Fine." Ness shrugged. "Whaddya want... other than to kill me? You'll do that last."

He grinned evilly. "First off, now that I'm young and sexy again, how's about me and the chick go somewhere a little more... private?"

Nana paled. "Eww!"

"WTF?" Popo gasped. "Where's a chicken?"

Kirby sweatdropped. "I think he was talking about Nana..."

"**_...Nana's a chicken?!"_**

"Aw, c'mon, baby!" He elbowed her. "It'll be awesome! You can have anything you want! You can be the Queen Pig and we'll have, like, 85 children and name them after the various parts of pigs! It'll be awesome!"

"Ewwwwwwww!"

"Hey, you wanna spider mech? I can totally command my minions to make you one! What color you want? Pink, right? Well, it can only be metallic pink... We can get married in them and kill people at the reception!"

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

Pikachu stepped in. ("Hey, man! Back off! Hitting on Nana's just plain disgusting!")

He grinned again. "Yeah, right! Everyone knows I'm sexy; don't be afraid to admit it!"

Ness scoffed. "Please. If there's anyone here who's sexy, you'd better bet that it's me!"

"You wish. I call you 'Pig's Butt' for a reason, y'know."

"_Oooooooooh!"_ laughed Popo. **_"BURNED!"_**

"SHUT UP!" Hearing that, Ness threw him at Fluffykins, who promptly gave chase.

("Well, I'm the sexiest, non-human thing here!") boasted Pikachu.

Kirby smiled. "I don't have to be sexy to get the girls; all I really need is my cuteness."

"Hah! I'm bringing sexy _back_!" taunted Popo, still being chased.

Lucas snickered. "Oh, yeah? Well, sexy never left me!"

"..." The gloating came to a screeching halt as he said this. Everyone looked at him like he'd lost it. Even Fluffykins had to stop chasing Popo for a second.

"...What?"

"Lucas, to say you're sexy would be like Porky becoming a vegetarian," said Ness.

His rival nodded. "It's true. I'd rather kill myself... again."

"Huh?" He pouted. "What's that supposed to mean? I am_ too_ sexy!"

Kirby frowned. "Uh, no. Sorry, no, you're not. You're a bit too... uh, well... you're, uh..."

"I'm too what?"

The Star Warrior began to ponder. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

"**_Girly, okay?"_** spat Porky, irritated. "You're the girliest, fruitiest, sissiest, daintiest girly-girl kid any of us have ever known! There, I said it! That just goes to show that I ain't too nice when it comes to telling the truth, losers!_** GAWD, YOU ALL MAKE ME SO SICK!**_"

Lucas winced. "Um... ouch."

Ness glared at Porky. "Okay, I officially hate your guts again."

"I don't care! You guys are all a bunch of dorks, noobs, and losers!" he snorted, getting back into the machine. "I outta just kill you all for being so lame and worthless!"

He was just about to do that when NessKiller crashed through the wall, making another huge hole in the room.

"HALT! Your reign of terror stops here!"

"NessKiller! What're you doing here? I thought I told you to stay and guard New Pork City for me!"

"Well, I've come to the conclusion that I no longer have to listen to you, due to the fact that Ness gave me a cookie! He is now my master!"

The psychic made a face. "Eh?"

"This is an outrage!" Porky held up his Master Ball with a mechanical leg... somehow. "I order you to obey me! I caught you, so obey me! Obey me _now_!"

"Lol, no." Ness Killer knocked the Ball away from him and swallowed it. "Ness is my master now."

"**_WTF?"_**

"Um... Well, great... I guess I can rename you then..." He scratched his head. "Uh, I dunno, 'Pancakes'?"

The newly-named Pancakes' eyes sparkled. "'P-Pankcakes'?! Wow, that's even better than 'Rupert'! May the skies bless you forever, Master!"

"...What?"

"Well, I've still got an ace up my sleeve!" Ness' crazy neighbor turned to Fluffykins. "Make sure they dine in Hell tonight! **_DAHAHAHAHA!_**"

"_Sí, Rey_ Porky," he responded, going after Ness. But his assault was cut short as Pancakes grabbed him with his tail, holding him up to his level.

"It's time to stop you once and for all, Fluffykins!" he growled.

Flufflykins laughed. "Ah, _muy valiente_, my large friend, but I am invincible. How do exactly plan on stopping the invincible?"

"Like this!" With a flick of his tail, he sent Fluffykins flying though the wall, making yet another hole. "Back to New Pork City you go! May your bloodthirsty ways be tamed there!"

_"¡Los parecer Señor Shnugglebutt Fluffykins están arruinando apagado otra vez!"_ he shouted, sounding like a very familiar trio of bad guys being blasted off into the hemisphere by a random life-threatening explosion that always seems to come from the weakest attacks.

Porky sweatdropped. "Ah, shift change! Look what you did! No matter! I'll just go and tell everyone what you did to Schlemiel! _**DAHAHAHA!**_"

"Dammit..." groaned Ness, scowling.

He was about to stomp off when he noticed the strawberry cake Sandbag dropped earlier. "Ooh, cake! That looks delicious! I'm just gonna be a prick and take this, too, losers!"

"Fine!" spat his foe. "Hope your fat ass chokes on it and _**DIES.**_"

"_The cake is a lie," _muttered Sandbag, seeing Porky lift the cake by stabbing a leg through it.

"What?"

"_You heard me, cretin. The cake is a lie. It's always been a lie."_

He frowned. "Wh... what're you sayin'?"

_"Who's going to make the cake when you're gone? **Me?** Hasta la vista, baby."_

"...The hell? You're not making any sense!"

_"You can stay here with all your ugly, little Earth people if you want, but I'm floating."_

Porky began to back up. "N-Ness, cut it out, will ya? T-this isn't funny!"

He shrugged. "Don't look at me; personally, I want both of you to die."

Sandbag went on. _"Guess what, loser? I have good news and bad news for you."_

"W-what's the good news?"

_"You are officially the dumbest person I know."_

"...Oh... Uh, what's the bad news?"

_"I'm going to freaking kill you."_

_**"HOLY CRAP!"**_ Throwing the cake a mile high in the air, he quickly backed away. "Screw this! You've all gone insane! This is... This is blasphemy! This is _madness!"_

_**"Madness?!"**_ Ness started twitching uncontrollably.**_ "THIS...! IS...!" _**He stopped and frowned. "Well actually, I don't know what the hell this is either. I'm just as creeped out as you are, I'm sure."

"Okay... _Heh heh..._" Porky laughed one of those creepy "I-think-I'm-losing-my-mind" laughs. "...Okay, I'm outta here. That Schlemiel guy probably had it coming anyway. You all suck, you know that, right? _Ha ha..._ I don't hafta kill you to get my revenge... _Heh heh._ You're just... you're trying to drive me nuts, aren'tcha? _Heh heh._"

Nana looked around. "No, I'm pretty sure we've all gone off the deep end at this point."

"_Ha ha_, of course. Well, if there's one thing that's certain in this world, _hah_, it's that I'll totally, really, certainly, surely, definitely, absolutely, positively, without a doubt come back. ...Maybe."

With that, he suddenly pulled out a random remote control and pushed a single random button, randomly disappearing in a random poof of smoke.

("...") Pancakes opened his mouth to say something, but stopped. ("Naw, I can't think of anything.")

"Wow, I can't believe Porky was just defeated by Sandbag..." said Ness, grabbing the cake as it fell into his hands. "Of all the crazy things..."

"_The word 'suck' is not my dictionary. On the contrary, you and the Ugly Pig Kid's faces would be the picture describing it. That's how much you suck. You two should get married and adopt a badger who's afraid of ladders. Kissy kissy poo poo, you both suck."_

"**_WHAT?! WHY, YOU LITTLE--!"_**

Lucas angrily pushed Sandbag. "Hey, now you're going too far! That's no way to talk to Ness, you big meanie!"

He then proceeded to do his l33t Up Smash attack. Such a display of power caused Sandbag to spew forth every single food known to man, and several hundreds that weren't.

"_Amazing,"_ he said, getting up. _"Now** that's** the kind of firepower I crave. I shall now hereby dub you as the picture describing 'epic win' in the dictionary."_

Lucas blushed, not expecting that response. "Oh, uh... thank you!"

Ness scoffed. "That's just a phrase, stupid. 'Epic win' wouldn't be in the dictionary."

_"Maybe you should stop talking now; your sucking is starting to stink up the room. If I had a mouth, I'd be vomiting up my internal organs, which do not exist."_

"..." Ness snapped his fingers. "...Pancakes?"

"Yeah?"

"Kill him. Kill him dead."

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes:**__ I dunno what to say about this chapter, except that it totally spiraled out of control. I feel almost less sane after typing it, lol. Personally, I blame Giygas. _


	9. Super Awesome Cool Pizza Murder: Part 1

**_Authoress' Notes:_**_ Ooh, look! A two-parter! This is either gonna be really awesome, or really stupid. Once again, these two chapters will delve into something I often wonder about the mysteries of **"SSBB"**. _

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 9:_**_ The Super Awesome Cool Pizza Murder (Part 1)_

* * *

Lucas fell to the ground, Mr. Saturn's trophy in hand. "**_NOOOOO!_** You have killed me!"

Popo danced a Fire Kirby trophy along the floor. "Bwahahaha! Now, you'll hafta give in to my power! It is your only hope!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Kirby butted in with Pichu's trophy. "Hi, I'm Pichu, and I'm annoying! Wheeeeee!"

"You suck! Shaddup!" Lucas pretended to ram Mr. Saturn's trophy into Pichu's as Kirby turned it over.

"Hey, that was totally uncalled for!" he said, voicing Pichu.

"ATTACK! Suicune!" Popo ran them both over with the Suicune trophy. "Fear my icy wrath, fools!"

"Well, then uh..." Kirby suddenly ran him over with the Halberd trophy. "ZOOM! You can't defeat me now! I'm in the air!"

"Oh, yeah?" Lucas slid Yoshi's trophy over. "Yoshi will handle you, 'cause he has a license!"

"To drive?" asked Popo.

"No, to KILL!"

**_"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"_** Kirby threw several random trophies on the ground, next to a nearly-empty pizza box. "Everyone run! It's an ambush!"

Lucas moved Fire Kirby across the ground. "Quick! To the Halberd! We must flee!"

"OH NO! Luigi's Mansion just escaped from jail!" cried Popo, scooting the haunted house over to Suicune. "Master Hand is sure to be pissed!"

At that moment, Pikachu walked in. ("Hey, you guys playing 'Attack of the Evil Mustard Lollipop Aliens from Dark Corneria' again?")

Kirby faced him. "Yeah, but this is the sequel that took place five years before that, 'Revenge of the Eggplant People of the Green Summit of Corn: The Movie'! Wanna play?"

("Sure!") He joined them, grabbing the Red Pikmin trophy. _**("PHOTOSYNTHESIS!")**_

"ACK!" squealed Lucas, dropping Suicune's trophy. "It's Plant Man, come back to harvest our brains for Star Juice!"

("That's right!") cackled Pikachu, grabbing the Tails trophy. ("And I've brought reinforcements! Prepare for epic failure!")

Lucas got Yoshi's and Suicune's trophies. "To arms, my love! And never let us part again!"

"Hurry!" commanded Kirby with Wario's Bike's trophy. "We gotta escape before Crazy Hand comes back!"

Popo threw Crazy Hand's trophy at him. "Too late, noobs! **_MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"_**

Nana sweatdropped upon coming in. "Uh, are you guys playing with dolls?"

_"Trophies!"_ corrected Kirby. "They're trophies, okay? And we're not _just_ playing with them; we're role-paying!"

"It's kinda like 'The Subspace Emissary', but even weirder!" beamed Popo.

"C'mon, join us!" urged Lucas. "It's fun!"

She sighed and walked off. "No thanks. I'm a little more mature than that."

Kirby held up a Chikorita trophy. "You can be this thing if you wanna! I promise I won't OHKO her if you play!"

She stopped in her tracks and came back to the door. "...Can I get all the girl trophies?"

Lucas scratched his head. "Well, you can, but we'll have to start over. The score's tied at -14 and all the girls are either dead or watching TV."

("That's a status ailment, FYI,") added Pikachu.

"The only one left is Samus, and she's almost outta Life Points."

Kirby scoffed. "Well, she would've been back at Luigi's Mansion with Soccer Ball if you hadn't nuked that Waddle Dee like that."

Popo frowned. "So, you mean we gotta start over?! Aw, but I just killed Banana Peel... And that was hard!"

"That's okay." Kirby read a piece of paper. "According to this, you've got enough Slashing Points to recruit him as a ghost, then you can kill him again!"

"Then that means I get another Servant Blaster for free!" He took the Sword Primid trophy. "Prepare to eat defeat, Halberd!"

"Fine." Nana joined them on the floor. "Guess I'll bite."

"Cool! Okay! Okay! Start over!" Kirby scooped up most of the trophies, leaving only a fraction of them out. "Choose your teams!"

"I'm going with the Bad Mother team!" declared Lucas, grabbing his, Ness', and Mr. Saturn's trophies.

"I'm on the Pink Love team!" said Nana. "And since all my trophies are girls, I get to go first!"

"Domo Arigato team, FTW!" laughed Popo, getting the CDs and R.O.B. trophies.

("The DA team sucks! The Monster Monster team's where it's at!") laughed Pikachu. ("It brings out the animal in ya!")

"And I'm on the Starry Dude team!" Kirby shuffled his trophies and scribbled their progress on some paper. "Okay, we just got to Brinstar, and the Eggplant People are coming. Whaddya we do first?"

**_"Nuke everything!"_** Popo tossed the Bomber trophy to Nana. "Quick, give this to Ridley so we can blow this place to bits before the Eggplants shows up!"

Kirby took the trophy back. "But we haven't gotten to that level yet! Your strategy failed, plus you lose 239 points!"

"Aw, man!"

"Watch out!" giggled Nana, hitting Mr. Saturn with the Midna trophy. "I've been brainwashed by a Metroid! I thrust for blood!"

("This looks like a job for Super Monster!") Pikachu placed the Tricky trophy before Midna's. ("It's super effective! That's 89 points for me!")

"But you haven't even attacked yet!"

("No, animal attacks are super effective against girls! Trust me, I know.")

"Gender has nothing to do with this, and you still haven't attacked yet!"

**"THE CDS PLAYED CLU CLU LAND!"** shouted Popo.

Nana waved him off. "Yeah, yeah. Hang on a sec, Popo." She turned back to Pikachu. "Look, you can't just kill Midna like that! I haven't even done anything!"

("Fine.") He put a Gyarados trophy in Tricky's place. ("There, now I attack with Super Dragon Blast Rage! And no rebounds!")

The only female frowned, running Gyarados over with the Beam Sword trophy. "You don't know what you're doing! For that, I shall smite you!"

Pikachu gasped. ("That's overkill!")

They kept on playing until Ness walked in, looking very sick. Lucas perked up.

"Hey, Ness! C'mon over here! We're playing 'Revenge of the Eggplant People of the Green Summit of Corn: The Movie'! We just started over, so get a trophy and join my team!"

Popo shook his head. "You can't do that! It's against the rules! Ness has to make his own team, 'cause he's supposed to get brainwashed during the flood in New Pork City in Chapter 42! There's gonna be one, y'know."

"You sure that's not Delfino Plaza?"

"No! They're getting a blizzard!"

_"Ugh, I don't... feel so good..."_ he groaned, holding his stomach.

"You don't look too good, either," remarked Nana.

Popo elbowed her. "Well, you're no prize yourself, if you know what I mean! Haha!"

His partner scowled. "...What is _**wrong **_with you?"

Ness shuddered. _"It's that stupid pizza Porky brought... I just knew one slice of that stuff had to be poison! Why did I ever eat it...?"_

Nana held up a slice. "Well, we're just finishing the last box and none of us got sick."

Pikachu sweatdropped. ("Besides, he brought five boxes and you ate two of them by yourself. Maybe that's why you feel so sick.")

He frowned. _"You and your stupid logic... I'll have you know I had a light after-dinner snack after that, **then** my stomach started hurting..."_

("Then, you just defeated your own logic, since Porky's pizza didn't make your stomach hurt! Ha, pwned!")

Everyone was expecting Ness to grab the Pokémon by the tail and slam him into the floor for saying that. Instead, he just shuddered, still clutching his stomach.

_"...Ugh... Okay, maybe I did eat... a little too much... Blagh..."_

"Maybe you should lie down," suggested Kirby. "This could take a while to blow over."

_"Yeah..."_ Ness flopped on the bed behind them, facing the wall. _"Ugh, I feel like I'm gonna die... It hurts to exist... Urgh... Oh... Owwww..."_

"Hey, you want a tummy rub?" offered Lucas.

_"...You want your hair full of vomit...?"_

"...Okay, then..." He inched away, putting the Cracker Launcher trophy next to R.O.B.'s. "Uh, look! I've got the ammunition now! Better duck and cover, Domo Arigato!"

Popo swiped Ness' trophy from him. "But you forgot about my Sword Primid's Hypno-Ray! Now that I've cast it on you, Ness' mind is mine! He's now currently insane!"

"Well, since Mr. Saturn's psychic, I can save him with telepathy!"

He frowned. "Mr. Saturn's not psychic!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Nu-unh!"

"Yes, he is!"

"No, he isn't!"

Nana cleared her throat. "Uh, guys..."

"Oh, yeah?" Lucas slammed his trophy down in front of Mr. Saturn's. "Well, my duo combo frontal attack cancels out the Hypno-Ray of your Sword Primid, so I get him back now!"

"But Ness is still under the insane status! He'll kill you if you recruit him now!"

"No, 'cause I've got remedies!" Lucas showed him the Heart Container trophy.

"That won't work! Love is a Primid's least-fav thing! Besides, it's my turn to attack!" He turned to Pikachu. "BTW, Tricky's now watching TV, due to the aftereffects of the Clu Clu Land song."

Pikachu crossed his arms. ("Crap!")

"And since Ness is insane now, I'm gonna attack... uh..." He grinned evilly. "The Bad Mother team, since the resulting explosion should do about 999999999999 damage!"

Lucas nearly choked on the last slice of pizza he was eating. "WTF?!"

**_"YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND THE TRUE FORM OF MY ATTACK! SPANKETY! SPANKETY! SPANKETY!"_** In a fit of rage, Popo stood and slammed Ness' trophy into Lucas, who fell over in shock of what just happened. In the midst of this, the trophy bounced off his face and broke in half on the floor.

("...!") Pikachu's eyes became as big as dinner plates.

Lucas, now sprawled out on the floor, sighed. "Well, that's it. I'm dead now. Thanks a lot."

Nana sweatdropped at Popo. "...Y'know, you really need your head examined."

Kirby frowned. "Um... was that supposed to happen?"

Popo winced. "...Uh, Ness didn't see that, did he?"

Pikachu poked the PSI boy. ("Hey, Ness! Didja hear or see Popo break your trophy?!")

"That's not exactly what I had in mind!" he growled.

"..." Much to their surprise, Ness didn't even do anything remotely violent. He just sorta kept sleeping.

The blue Ice Climber sighed. "Ah, okay. I don't think he knows..."

Pikachu kicked him in the back several times, not getting a response. ("...Uh, actually, I think he's dead.")

Lucas laughed, still on the floor. "Aw, he's probably just mad 'cause he killed me in a fit of maniacal rage. That's okay, Ness. We're still cool, but Popo's going down next time, lol."

("He's not moving.")

"...Uh, sleeping."

("He's not breathing.")

"...Mediating?"

("He has no pulse.")

The blond PSI stopped smiling. "...Uh oh."

Horrified, Nana covered her mouth. "...OMG, we killed Ness!"

"Nice going, Popo!" Lucas angrily jumped up and punched him. "Your attack killed me in the game, and him and real life!"

Popo hit him with his hammer. "Well, if you hadn't been such a wuss and attacked Sword Primid, this wouldn't have happened! The Hypno-Ray would've broken if you did!"

Kirby poked the broken Ness trophy. "Hmm, I guess another one bites the dust... Take good care of 'em, Schlemiel..."

"Oh, hush up! Ness is not dead!" Nana poked his back. "C'mon, this isn't funny! I know you can sleep through a tornado, but the joke's over! Get up!"

"..." Ness refused to move.

Popo gasped. "Maybe it's all in the trophies...!"

Kirby turned around. "Whaddya mean?"

"I mean, like if any of our trophies break, we die. And not like 'Oh noes, Game Over!' die, I mean, like, **_DIE_** DIE."

Lucas could've sworn he wet himself. "Oh, dear..."

Nana dove onto the ground. "Popo, where's ours?! _**WHERE'S OURS?!"**_

He joined her in searching. "_How should I know?!_ And move your hammer! You might accidentally kill us...!"

_"Eek! Don't touch! Mine!"_ squealed Lucas, grabbing his and huddling in the corner.

Kirby and Pikachu frantically dug around in the Ice Climbers' trophy bag for theirs. Finding his, Kirby ran off.

"I LIVE! I _**LIIIIIIIIIIVE!"**_

Pikachu scowled. ("C'mon, c'mon...") Finally coming across it, he let out a relieved sigh. ("Whew, that was close...")

Nana tried to calm herself down upon finding the Ice Climbers trophy. "...Okay, well, now that our horrific incident of terror is over, what're we gonna do about Ness?"

Popo shrugged. "Bury him out back with Schlemiel. What else?"

Kirby sighed. "I guess we'll have to. There's no way around it..."

Pikachu grabbed his hat. ("Well, since he's gone to that big baseball field in the sky, mind if I take this?")

Lucas sneered. "That's so uncool, Pikachu, even for you."

("What?") he asked, the hat obscuring his vision. ("A guy's gotta accessorize. Trust me, he's not gonna need it where he's going...")

__

* * *

**Authoress' Notes:** I'd totally be role-playing with the trophies myself if I had 'em. XD


	10. Super Awesome Cool Pizza Murder: Part 2

**_Authoress' Notes:_**_ And in this chapter, we reveal what's in Ness' backpack that would want to make him carry it around everywhere he goes! How delightful!_

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 10:_**_ The Super Awesome Cool Pizza Murder (Part 2)_

* * *

("Well, let's face it; we're all natural-born killers. C'mon, help me drag 'em outside so we can bury 'em...") sighed Pikachu. He tried to pull Ness off the bed, but accidentally dropped him. ("Oops...")

Lucas pushed him. "Man, don't drop him like that! Oh, he is so gonna get you when he wakes up!"

Kirby frowned. "Lucas, he's dead!"

**_"No, he's not!"_** He held Ness close. "He's just taking a nap! _A very... nice..._ **_nap_**!"

The Star Warrior backed away. "Dude... Are you okay?"

**_"NAAAAP!"_** Lucas began to hyperventilate, rocking back and forth while still holding Ness. "**_HE IS TAKING A NAAAAAP!_** And tomorrow, he'll wake up and tell me to go away and stop trying to put on his shirts like he always does...!"

"...Woah..." Popo sweatdropped.

He laughed maniacally. "_Hee heh heh hee ha heeeh!_ Yeah, you'll do that, won'tcha, Ness? Yeah, you will. YOU ALWAYS DO!" In his insanity, Lucas started shaking him, causing his backpack to fall onto the bed.

Pikachu's ears perked up. ("Hello? What's this?") He began going through it.

Lucas nearly had a heart attack. **_"OMFG, WTF ARE YOU DOING?!"_**

Nana glowered. "Pikachu! Don't you dare! Going through his things is wrong and you know it!"

He smirked. ("Yeah, but I'm sure Ness won't mind...")

"Y'know, I've always wondered what was in there, too..." said Kirby, joining him. "He _always_ used to carry that thing everywhere... What could be so important about it that you can't even have a battle without it?"

Popo also got in on the snooping. "Ooh! I wanna see! Lemme see!"

Nana went over to stop him, as Lucas began to bawl uncontrollably. "Guys, stop it! C'mon, this isn't right!"

"Hey, look!" Kirby pulled out a picture of a girl. "I think this is Paula!"

"Ha, nice angle! I can almost see her--" Popo blushed deeply. "Oooh, I think I just did..."

The female scoffed. "...Typical boy. He _would_ take it while she's walking over a vent..."

("...While it's blowing,") added the Pokémon. ("I think she did it on purpose...")

"Aw! Look, look! A teddy bear!" Kirby squeezed it. "I think it might be Paula's, 'cause she's got it in the picture."

Pikachu stifled a laugh. ("Sheesh, she must really put out.")

"And... is this a picture of Porky?" Popo held up a picture of Porky dressed in a very stylish, almost pimpish outfit, complete with gaudy rings on his fingers. He almost looked as if he were posing for a photo shoot. "It reads, 'Smell ya, later, Pig's Butt!'"

Kirby pointed. "...Is that his phone number on it...?"

Nana looked away. "...I don't even wanna know."

Popo frowned. "Hey, wait... Didn't you just say that looking through other people's things were wrong? I thought you were gonna stop us, and then give a lecture and bladdity blah blah... Y'know, like all girls do."

She blushed, then hit him for the biased comment. "W-well! You're right... It _is_ wrong, but... uh... Well, that pic of Paula was... uh... I mean, I'm just... kinda curious... They're really cute together, and... I... well...!"

"C'mon..." urged Popo, smirking mischievously. "Ya know ya wanna..."

She glanced at Lucas, his teary eyes pleading with her not to look. ...Plunging her hands into the backpack, she shouted, "I'M SORRY, LUCAS! I HAVE TO DO THIS! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!"

**_"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_** He then proceeded to faint.

("Look! A DS! Cool! He's got the Diamond Version!") Pikachu nodded, turning it on. ("Yep, he's a normal 13-year-old, all right. Lemme see his progress...")

"Aw, here's a group shot of him and a whole bunch of other people we don't know!" said Nana, showing the picture. "How sweet. He's very family-oriented."

"Ooh, a Mr. Saturn!" Kirby added, pulling one out.

"B**o**_IN**G**! _T_o Y_**o_U_**_, **I S**A_y_ H**e**LL_**O**!" it laughed.

("Haha! This is awesome! Who knew going through other people's stuff was so fun?") laughed Pikachu, fighting a random Trainer on the DS.

"Look!" Popo jammed a card in Nana's face. "A credit card! Can you say, 'shopping spree'?!"

She frowned. "Popo, that's an ATM card..."

Lucas was close to tears. _"You guys are so disrespectful! Why are you doing this?! Ness just **died**, for crying out loud!"_

("What? It's not like he'll know...") Pikachu smiled at the DS. ("Aw, sweet! 492 Pokémon?! Not bad, not bad at all! And he didn't even cheat; he traded! You, sir, have new respect from me.")

"Yeah," said Kirby, playing "Red Light, Green Light" with the Mr. Saturn. "It's too bad he's dead, and all..."

Nana pulled out a cell phone. "Ooh, neat cell phone cover! It's got the SSBB symbol on it! Nice..." While inspecting it, she accidentally hit the "redial" button. "Oops...!"

After a few rings, someone picked up. "Hello?"

The other Ice Climber snatched it away, pushing Nana down. "Hello?"

She growled. "No, Popo! Get off!"

"Hello?"

"Hello?"

"Hello?"

"Hello?"

"Hello?"

"Hello?"

"Hello?"

"Hello?"

**_"HELLO?!"_**

Popo grinned. "Hi!"

The voice sighed in irritation. "...Ness, is that you? What're you doing calling me so late?"

_"Popo! Hang up!"_ angrily whispered Nana, trying to get it back from him.

"Uh... well, I just wanted to say that, uh... **_YOU'RE A BIG, FAT, STINKY DOODIE HEAD!"_**

Nana gritted her teeth. **_"POPO!"_**

The voice was outraged. **_"What?!"_**

He hung up. "**_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_** OMG, that was rich!"

Kirby and Mr. Saturn rolled around with laughter. "Best phone conversation ever!"

Pikachu whipped Ness' hat around, now wearing it forward. ("Uh, hate to intrude on the laughing at other people's expense, but we really need to do something with the body. Killing Schlemiel was bad enough; we can't let everyone know Ness is dead, too!"

Nana groaned. "To the graveyard, then?"

("To the graveyard!")

"Uh, whaddabout Lucas?" asked Kirby, pointing to the fainted boy. "We can't just leave 'em here..."

He sighed. ("Bring 'em. He's a witness, and a very crazy one at that...")

**_

* * *

Outside, several feet from Schlemiel's grave..._**

("Uh...") Pikachu held up a phone book, reading it upside down as Ness did earlier. ("Today... er, night, we have come to pay our respect to Ness... um... what's his last name?")

"Ooh!" Popo waved his hammer about. "Name 'em Minch! That's an awesome last name!"

("No, that's Porky's last name!")

Sighing, Nana rubbed her head, finished digging the grave. "It doesn't matter! Just hurry up so we can get this over with..."

Popo made a face. "Hey! We can't bury Ness in that!"

"Why not?"

"The hole's like, two feet deep! His head'll be up above ground!"

She shoved her mallet into his face. "Well, you try digging with a hammer and see how deep you can get it!"

Kirby dropped his broken trophy into the hole. "You were a good kid, Ness. Rest is peace."

Popo snickered. "Lol, or should we say 'pieces'?"

Pikachu frowned. ("Wow. That was both lame and unnecessary.")

He laughed. "So says the guy wearing his hat!"

("Hey! It's very fashionable--!")

"...OMG, I can't believe you guys are doing this!" cried Lucas, suddenly waking up. "You're all just asking for it! You'll regret not listening to me later!"

"There is no later for Ness, Lucas," said Kirby. "He's dead; let it go already!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

("...Huh?") Just then, Pikachu's ears perked up. ("...Hey, wait... I think I hear something... No, someone...")

Nana squinted into the distance to see who it was, then gasped. "Guys, it's Peach! She's coming over here!"

Panicking, Kirby grabbed Ness. "Quick, we gotta finish the funeral before she gets here! Skip to the good part!"

("Uh...!") The mouse flipped through the phone book, reading quickly. ("May your afterlife be filled with video games, candy, and hot women! Forever and ever, amen!")

**_"NOOOOO!"_** Lucas pulled him back. "He's not dead! I keep telling you that, but you just won't listen to meeeeee!"

("That's because you're in denial!") spat Pikachu. ("Now, throw 'em in the grave before Peach gets here!")

"Hey, Peach!" laughed Popo, waving at her. "Come join the fun! We were just about to say goodbye to Ness! You can even do a eulogy if you want!"

Everybody facefaulted as Lucas began to twitch uncontrollably.

Peach put her hands on her hips. "What're you kids doing out here? It's half-past midnight! You should all be in bed by now." She noticed Ness' grave and frowned. "...What're you doing, anyway?"

"Nothing!" shouted Kirby. "Uh, we were just gettin' somethin' to eat! 'Cause we're hungry!"

"...In the backyard?"

"Yeah! Uh..." The blond danced Ness' body around, trying to imitate him. "I'm here to kick butt and take names! And I'm all outta butt!" He frowned. "Wait..."

Peach sweatdropped. "Uh, what's wrong with Ness? Why are you talking for him?"

Lucas started sweating bullets. "W-what?! I-I'm not talking for him! I-it's all a game, you see?"

She raised an eyebrow. "A... game?"

"Y-yeah! S-see? W-we're playing... uh... uh... _um...!_" He began to tear up from lack of a good excuse.

Nana came to his rescue. "Uh, Dynamite Zombies Bros.! Yeah! And it's... uh, Ness' turn to be the zombie!"

She giggled. "Aw, how cute! you kids and your imagination. It's all just too adorable!" She then looked down into the grave. "Oh no... Looks like someone broke his trophy..."

**_"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I SWEAR!"_** bawled Lucas, dropping him. **_"IT WAS ALL POPO'S FAULT! I LOVED NESS LIKE A BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER!"_**

"...What?"

Nana bonked him with her hammer. "Oh, heh heh. Don't mind him. He's playing the part of the crazy psychopath who thinks he killed his best friend, who came back as a zombie... which is being played by Ness. Heh heh..."

**_"WHY?!"_** He continued, shaking Ness. **_"WHY DO WE ALWAYS HURT THE ONES WE LOVE?!"_**

"Oh..." She scooped up the figure. "No matter. He can just win another one by completing the Classic mode again."

She blinked. "So, you mean... Our souls aren't bound to our trophies?"

The princess laughed. "Oh my, no! Who told you that?"

("Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...") Pikachu looked around for some help, but none ever came.

"No, the whole 'trophy' thing was Master Hand's idea. Apparently, we're supposed to be his and Crazy Hand's 'playthings'."

Disgusted, Nana made a face. "Ew, that sounds so... wrong."

"Actually..." Peach rubbed her chin. "Other than fan service, I'm not exactly sure what meaning they convey anymore, but you won't die just because you trophy breaks. Of all the ridiculous things!"

"Uh, yeah!" Kirby smiled. "Heh heh heh... Ridiculous..."

"Now, it's time you went to sleep, understand? It's way past all of your bedtimes." She left laughing.

...Everyone sat in an unsettling silence until Nana spoke. "...Then... if Ness didn't die because his trophy broke, how did he die?"

No sooner had she said that, someone groaned. "...Ow..."

Everyone gasped. **_"Huh?!"_**

Behind them, Ness woozily sat up, confusion written all over his face. _"W-what'd I do? Did I... Did I kill somebody again?"_

**_"NESS!"_** Lucas grabbed him in a bear hug. "_You're alive!_ You're really alive! Oh, I knew you'd pull through, even when the others thought you were gone! I had faith in you, man!"

_"Okay! Okay! Really full stomach here...!"_ he gagged, prying him off. _"This does not feel good! **This does not feel good...!**"_

Kirby gawked. "But... how is this possible? You were dead as a doornail two seconds ago!"

He grinned stupidly. _"Nah, that was just an out-of-body experience. No biggie."_

Nana sweatdropped. "Uh, you seem to miss that fact that you were actually **_dead_**."

_"Well, duh. I told you it hurt to exist. So much in fact, I guess I kinda did myself in."_ Embarrassed, he rubbed the back of his head. _"Oops..."_

"...WTF?"

_"Yeah! I even saw The Man!"_

("Who?") asked Pikachu.

_"Y'know, That Guy, The Big Cheese? The Head Honcho?"_

("Master Hand?")

_"No."_

"Crazy Hand?" shrugged Kirby.

_"No."_

Popo frowned. "...Tabuu?"

_"No!"_

Lucas scratched his head. "Giygas?"

_"WTF?! No!"_

"Sakurai?" guessed Nana.

_"No--!"_ He stopped and thought about it. _"Actually, I think it was him. Anyway, he was all, 'Your time's not up yet! Get back down there and make me some more money!' Then he booted me outta... wherever we were. My butt still hurts..."_

("Uh, do you remember Popo breaking your trophy?") questioned the rodent.

_"Huh? Oh, yeah."_ He waved it off. _"Ah, whatever. I'll just get another one..."_

Nana pondered. "Hmm, then it must've been something you ate. Uh, what exactly did you eat?"

_"Some pizza, a cake, steak, donuts..."_

"No, I mean before you passed out."

_"...Some pizza, a cake, steak, donuts..."_

Lucas blinked. "I'm surprised all _that_ didn't kill you."

Kirby sweatdropped. "Anything else?"

_"...Uh, oh, yeah! Now I remember! My after-dinner snack..."_

("What was it? Must've been poison if it almost freaking killed you,") scoffed Pikachu.

_"Uh..."_ He fished some nutshells out of his pocket. _"Well, dinner was already over, so I snuck into the Item Closet and got these..."_

Nana examined a shell, angrily flinging it on his forehead. "WTF?! Ness, these are Deku Nuts!"

He belched, already too dazed to be affected by it. _"So?"_

"You idiot! You don't eat 'em; you throw 'em! They're called _Throwing Items_ for a reason! And when you _do_ throw 'em, they explode, just like that one did! These things can **_kill you_**!"

He sneered. _"Aw, phooey. I... I had like, like, 20 of 'em and I feel... I'm... I'm... I feel... I'm... I'm very sick..."_

**_"20?!"_**

("Wow, that's just plain wrong,") remarked Pikachu. ("You should be on cloud nine and playing a harp by now.")

"I knew it!" accused Kirby. "He must be an _alien_!"

"Maybe we should get him to Mario," said Popo. "Didn't he used to have an evil cousin who was a doctor?"

Pikachu rolled his eyes. ("That _was _Mario, dumbass. Doctor Mario was just a clone.")

_"No! Only... only girls go to the... optometrists!"_ spat Ness, trying to stand. _"And maybe kittens..."_ He fell over.

"Well," Kirby laughed uneasily, "all's well that ends well, right? I say we should all just go to bed and pretend none of this ever happened."

While on the ground, Ness' eyes ran across his DS, Porky's picture, and opened backpack._ "...What's this...?"_

Pikachu flinched. ("Uh, n-nothing! You... uh, you dropped your backpack while you were sleeping!")

"Yeah!" Kirby added, sweating nervously. "And uh, your stuff just happened to fall out of it, not that we would know, since we wouldn't _dare_ look through your things!"

Popo scratched his head. "Uh, but I thought you guys were just laughing at that kinky picture of Paula and talking about how she puts out, or something..."

Kirby flattened him with his hammer, while Pikachu gave him a good shock. **_"SHUT UP!"_**

Ness sat up, scowling. _"...Pikachu..."_

("Uh, heh heh...") He meekly laughed. ("Y-yeah...?")

_"...Is there a reason you're wearing my hat and have that picture of Paula in it?"_

("Uh... It's Halloween, and I'm going as a horny you?")

He narrowed his eyes. _"...You guys were looking through my stuff, weren't you?!"_

"N-no! Uh, heh heh! No! I mean, w-why would we ever do that?" defended Kirby.

Lucas smiled almost satanically, something that, given his gentle demeanor, was just flat-out wrong. "Hey, Ness, did I ever tell you how they rummaged through your stuff like it was garbage? I tried to stop them, but they just wouldn't listen to me."

_"Oh, really?"_

"Yeah, they were all, 'Wow, what's this?' and 'I can't believe he's got that in there'. It was downright degrading."

("Lucas, you stoolpigeon!") growled Pikachu. ("How could've you stooped so low?!")

Nana sighed. "I think Ness' anti-hero issue is starting to rub off on him..."

_"Oh, okay, heh heh... Ah, y'know what?"_ He groggily stood, pulling a weapon of mass destruction from his pocket. _"It's officially on now. The gauntlet has been thrown... I was saving this to get back at Lucas for the Rayquaza thing, but screw it. I'm too sick to physically knock the snot outta any of you, so I'll just hafta do this."_

Kirby paled. "...Is that a Smash Ball?"

He nodded, smiling evilly. _"Oh, yeah... Got it from the Item Closet..."_

"Uh, Ness?" Popo laughed nervously. "You know you can't use those outside of battle, right?"

_"...Who's gonna know...?"_ He smashed the ball in his hands, gaining its power. Ha! I made a funny! _"Nobody looks through my things and laughs at them behind my back... expect **ME**."_

Nana frowned. "Wait, what?"

("Now, look!") reasoned Pikachu. ("I'm sure we can all resolve this without violence... Right? We're all friends here, right?")

Ness lowered his head._ "At Smash Mansion, violence isn't the answer, Pikachu..."_

Everyone sighed as he said that.

He then snapped his head up, eyes yellow from the Smash Ball. **_"It's the question! And the answer is YEEEEES!"_**

**_"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_** was the collective response as everyone ran for their lives, except Popo, who was trying to figure out what "yes" was the answer to again.

**_"PK STAAAAAAAAAARSTOOOOOOOOOOOOOORM!"_**

"Ah..." sighed Lucas, enjoying the pwnage of his friends. "Best light show ever. Don't you think so, too, generic Mr. Saturn?"

_"**Z**o_O_M! zO**Om**! thE W**iN** Is F**O**r T_**H**_is!"_

_**

* * *

Authoress' Notes:**__ Got a big, fat **"WTF?!"** the first time I grabbed a Deku Nut. Thought I ate it, and the next thing I knew, everyone's acting like they're suffering from a hangover. Narcotics, anyone? XD_


	11. Towtow Annihilation

_**Authoress' Notes**__**: **__Slight SSE spoilers, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, to start things off, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I got my Wii back last Thursday only after 10 days of sending it in! __**GO NINTENDO! YOU GUYS ROCK!**__...The bad news is that since I only wrote this story to pass the time, there's not much of a reason to continue it anymore. But I've gotten a lot of reviews and favs, so I'm not sure what to do. The story was originally 14 chapters long, but I've extended it to 20 to even it out. I doubt I'll go farther than that, but I'd like some feedback from the Reviewers. What do you think?_

* * *

_**What Goes On**_

_**Chapter 11: **__Towtow Annihilation_

* * *

Lucas got his usual lunch and sat with his usual friends at their usual table, as usual. He was about to greet them when he noticed something very unusual about the scene before him. And no, it wasn't that. Peering past Nana and Pikachu, he noticed a large, sheep-like entity sleeping behind a table where Link, Marth, Ike, and Pit sat. Amid the swordsmen's usual gloating and the angel boy's usual groaning of their conceitedness, he found it every unusual that no one else had seemed to notice it.

He frowned. "Um, why's there a Towtow in the lunchroom?"

Kirby shrugged. "Oh? Uh, I dunno. Thought it was a centerpiece..."

"I heard it got loose last night and everyone's just too lazy to get rid of it..." said Nana.

"Wha? But... they're not that hard to get rid of... So, why...?"

Pikachu rolled his eyes. ("Look, just let it go, okay? If no one else cares, why should we? It'll probably... I dunno, explode or something... Maybe.")

The blond was about to do just that when Ness came over, pulling a reluctant Toon Link with him. "Guys, meet our new team member! We're gonna start letting Toon Link here hang around with us from now on, okay?"

He waved meekly. "Uh, hi."

"Why?" asked Popo.

"Well, he's a kid like us. Plus, the more, the merrier. Why _shouldn't_ we let him join?"

"Because he thinks he's too good for us!" Kirby crossed his arms. "I mean, you're always talking about swords and stuff with Link, right? Why aren't you hanging out with him?"

"'Cause Link's a total dork. He's so full of himself, and he's always talking about how great he and Zelda get along. Then, when she walks by, he always runs away!" He sighed. "I can't believe I'm related to that guy..."

Pikachu nodded, biting into his cheeseburger. ("I feel your pain.")

"Well, if that's the case, join the club!" Nana pulled up a seat from another table, causing Olimar to miss it and fall backwards, knocking himself out. "We're always happy to have a new member in our little click."

He smiled, taking her offer. "Thanks. It's kinda hard to fit in when your older self is a lame, egotistical, self-centered jerk who won't even talk to his so-called girlfriend."

Ness slapped his back. "Yeah! You'll be an awesome addition to the team! And, in honor of this..." He pulled out of a tray of their sacred food. "PIZZA!"

"OMG, yes!" Kirby did a Final Cutter and sliced the pizza into seven even pieces, while doing the same to the table. "Oops..."

"Aw, that's okay," said Toon Link, reaching for a piece. "I don't think it went _all_ the way through... Plus, it'll let everyone else know that this is our table, and nobody else better sit at it, or cut 'em up just as bad!"

Ness reached over and messed up his hair. "Ha! Now you, I like!"

"Ha ha! Yeah, you got that right, Super Ness!"

He did a double take. "Huh?"

"Your name? Ness? It's an anagram of SNES. Don't tell you didn't know that."

"Uh..."

Kirby laughed. "Ha, that's awesome! Everyone who was on the SNES is officially cool! You're even cooler if you were on anything before that!"

Pikachu pouted. ("I was on the Game Boy, and that came out before the SNES.")

"Yeah, but you were _reeeeeeeeeally_ late to the 90's party," snickered Nana.

("_Fashionably_ late.")

Unable to identify, Lucas smiled uneasily. "Uh, yeah... Heh heh..."

He then frowned as he felt the urge to walk the dog really, _really _bad, and his name was neither Fox or Wolf. Unbeknownst to the others, he quickly made a beeline for the nearest bathroom outside the lunchroom.

("So,") Pikachu started, his mouth full of pizza, ("how exactly are we gonna benefit from you anyway?")

Toon Link savored his slice. "Well, I've got a sword..."

Popo nearly dropped in slice in sheer amazement. "_OMG, LIEK NO WAI!_ Swords are so awesome! They can, like, can cut through things! Did you know that?!"

Nana sweatdropped. "Wow. Nothing ever slips past you..."

* * *

Ten minutes later, Lucas came back in, looking as happy and refreshed as... uh, someone who'd just come back from peeing continuously for ten minutes? I DON'T KNOW.

"Hey, guys! I--" He suddenly stopped as he noticed Toon Link was sitting next to Ness... in his chair. "Uh, what's this?"

"So, I was all 'CRAP! NOT THAT ATTACK!', but the Landmaster totally fell through the bottom, and I won!"

Ness squirted punch out of nose, laughing. _"Aughhhh! Aw, look what you made me do! Aw, man! I can't smell anything!_ _Aw, my insides hurt...!"_

Nana noticed Lucas. "Oh, hey. You're back. Uh, sorry. TL's got your seat right now, but you can sit here if you want."

"But... I always sit there, right next to Ness."

Ness waved it off, drink still in his nose. "Dere's anudder chair next do Kirby. Just grab dat one."

He glowered. "...No, _he_ was sitting over there, now he's over here. I want _my _chair back."

Pikachu frowned. ("Dude, it's a chair. Go sit in that one.")

Toon Link stood. "Uh, I'll go back over there, if you want. I just wanted to tell Super Ness that joke--"

"No, no, you stay dere. It'z no big deal." Ness pointed to the punch table. "Lucas, if you're gonna be such a wuss on who sits where, baybe you should just go get me and TL some more drinks. I currently have da rest of dine in dy noze."

Turning with a scow, he left. _"...Fine!"_

As he walked off, he noticed Toon Link whispered something to Ness, which caused both of them peek at him over their shoulders and bust out laughing.

Thus began his ultimate defeat by his hands...

* * *

_**Approximately 982 seconds later...**_

Nana looked around. "Uh, Lucas sure is taking a long time with the drinks..."

Ness blew his nose. "Yeah, and since I can smell again, I want more pizza! Where the hell is he?"

Toon Link stood. "Oh, I'll go get him. I bet you he's drowning_ in_ the punch..."

No sooner had he said, Ness spat out his last slice of pizza in Kirby's face, who gladly licked it off. **"AUGH! WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME SO?!"**

"Uh, I'll be right back..."

"Uh-huh, yeah, you do that..." Kirby whispered, taking his half-eaten pizza slice.

Toon Link walked all around the humungous half Wal-Mart sized lunchroom, but Lucas was nowhere to be found. He wasn't at the punch bowl, the salad bar, or any of the other Smasher's tables. If that was the case, he must've left... again. With a shrug, he was on his way back to his table when, almost out of nowhere, someone grabbed him from behind, Snake style, and pulled him outside, slamming him into the wall.

He sweatdropped upon seeing who it was. "Oh! Uh, hey, Luke... Uh, w-what's the matter? You wanna spar, or somethin'?"

"No, I don't wanna spar, and don't you _**EVER **_call me that again!" he snarled.

"'Kay..."

"Now you listen here..." He forcefully grabbed the collar of his tunic, pulling him dangerously close to his face. "You're a smart guy, right?"

"...I'd like to think so..."

"And we can be friends, right?"

"Sure..."

"Good. Then, as a friend, I'm asking you to stay away from Ness... For your own safety."

"Super Ness? But why? What'd I do?"

He grabbed his collar with his other hand and slammed him into the wall again, pinning him there. _"Don't ask me questions! Just do it!"_

"Luke, are you... jealous of me? Because, if you are, I--"

He flicked him on the nose, cutting him off. "_**No one**_... calls me that expect Ness. And I'm_** not**_ jealous of someone like _**you**_. I just want you to know that Ness and I are tight, and I'm not about to let some big-eyed, cartoony freak come between us." He jammed his hat over his eyes. "You got that?"

Starting to get annoyed, Toon Link pulled out his sword. "Okay, listen, I think you're totally blowing this out of proportion. You and I both know that, right? And if it's about what I said to Super Ness earlier, it was because you had some toilet paper comin' outta you pants..."

Lucas blushed as he realized this, then pushed him down, scowling. "_S-stop calling him that!_ You're nothing, do you hear me?! _**NOTHING!**_ You don't even have PSI powers, so what makes you just _soooooo _suited to be together with Ness?! Huh? _**HUH?! ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU!**_"

"Luke... I think you might have an anger problem..."

He soon found himself on the floor in pain as Lucas socked him in the gut.

Flexing his fingers, he growled, "...I'm telling you for the last time; _stay... away... from Ness!"_

"Or what...?" he wheezed, more angry than threatened. "I've fought my way through terrifying monsters, dungeons, and demons millions of times... What makes _you _so scary?"

"...You really wanna know?" Lucas seized his neck and pushed him back into the wall. "Trust me; it won't be pretty..."

* * *

Ness was about to bite into the slice of a second pizza when a horrible, bloodcurdling screamerupted from outside, followed by growling, snarling, pleas for help, and the occasional, "No, not there! ANYWHERE BUT THERE!" Everyone in the room looked up, looked around... and promptly went back to eating. Whoever it was would just have to wait for any help; food was much more important.

The psychic groaned. "Who's all for betting Lucas just got his ass kicked by TL?"

Nana shurgged as the screaming contiuned. "I wouldn't be surprised."

Pikachu scowled. ("Yeah, you know how he is... Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.")

Kirby got another slice. "Maybe now he won't be such a sourpuss over who sits where. I mean, come on; _so _immature."

It wasn't long before Toon Link reappeared and made his way back to the table. As he neared them, Ness waved. "Hey, TL! I got some more pizza if you want--" He stopped and frowned, noticing something was wrong. "Dude, you okay?"

He had every reason to ask that. Toon Link was covered in scratches, burns, and even bite marks. His hair was messy and ruffled, while his tunic had been nearly reduced to shreds. With a black eye, a swollen lip, and a bite taken out of both pointy ears, he'd never looked worse. In a trembling hand, he held what was left of his sword, the charred hilt with only a small fraction of the blade left. The rest of it looked as someone had cut it clean off. His right arm was twisted and looked broken in about 50 different places, while his legs knocked together in fear of his ordeal. He looked as if he'd been to Hell and back... _twice_.

("Woah,") gasped Pikachu. ("What happened to you?")

"_I'd... I'd..."_ He sniffled, tears running down his face. _"I'd rather not talk about it... U-uh, S-Super Ness--" _He flinched. _"I-I-I mean! N-Ness! NESS!"_

"Huh?"

"_I t-t-think I s-should l-leave the t-t-team... Uh... I-I d-don't think t-this is g-gonna work out..."_

"What? Why? We hardly even had lunch together!"

He looked around nervously. _"...I-It's b-because of... H-HIM..."_

"Crazy Hand? Aw, don't worry about that. Sometimes he likes to bust a can of whoopass on unsuspecting Smashers. You'll get used to it."

"_N-no...! It was... L-L-Lucas..."_

"...You're kidding, right?"

He gritted his teeth in pain, clutching his left arm. _"H-he h-hurt me, N-Ness... H-he h-hurt me s-s-so b-b-bad..."_

"Well, PK attacks are nothing to sneeze at, but..."

More tears ran down his face. _"Y-you're f-friends w-with a m-m-monster... H-h-he h-h-hurt m-m-me s-so m-much... That g-guy is v-v-vicious... I d-d-don't s-s-see how you p-p-put up with him..."_

"Lucas is a pushover; he could never do something like this!" said Kirby.

"Are you sure you weren't attacked by a pack of Floow, or something?" asked Nana. "I heard some of them might've gotten out last night, too..."

"N-NO!" He fell to the floor in the fetal position. _"T-this guy is t-t-ten times w-w-worse! H-he could t-turn on you all o-one day...! H-h-he's a m-maneater..."_

Pikachu sweatdropped. ("Please tell me you're joking...")

"_...H-h-he told m-m-me to b-back off or he'd b-burn my face off and e-e-eat it for l-lunch...!"_ He shakily stood, face pale and horrified. _"I'm n-now o-o-officially s-scarred f-for life..."_

The PSI boy still refused to believe it. "It can't be true! It just can't be! Lucas is a decent fighter, but he can't even open a can of peas without some help! How the hell did he beat you within an inch of your life?!"

"_Oh, h-h-he did it, a-a-all right..."_ He began limping away, whimpering. _"Y-you better w-w-watch out f-f-for him... H-h-he's not n-normal, N-Ness... H-h-he's n-not n-n-normal..."_

Everyone sat in a stunned silence until Popo grinned like an idiot. "...So, who's with me on bringing Schlemiel back with a ritual? Lemme see a show of hands!"

* * *

Cowering, Toon Link slowly made his way back to a brooding Lucas, whimpering,_ "I d-did w-what you s-said, M-Master..."_

He stuck on lollipop in his mouth, the protruding stick making it look like he was smoking. "Good. Now, get out of my sight," he hissed, throwing him a towel. "And clean yourself up. You make me _**sick**_..."

"_Y-y-yes, M-Master L-Lucas..."_He limped over to the swordsmen's table as fast his little legs could carry him.

With the younger Link gone, Lucas suddenly regained his gentle composure and everything was right in the world. Nearly every Smasher in the lunchroom sweatdropped as the place lit up like never before and several rainbows appeared outside. Choruses sang, birds chirped, and about 549,305 of Olimar's Pikmin came back to life and threw a party.

Walking back over to the table, Lucas was on cloud nine until he was met with a very painful punch to the face, which caused him to fall backwards onto the floor. Looking up, he saw Ness standing over him, looking as royally pissed as always.

"Oh, hiya, Ness!" He gushed, just as cheerful as ever. "Working on your surprise punches, are we?"

"_**The hell's wrong with you?!"**_

"Huh?"

He pulled him up by the collar of his shirt and pointed behind him. _**"That!"**_

Lucas looked where he was pointing to see the younger Link standing near the older one, trembling violently. Upon seeing him look at him, he began bawling.

"Oh, yeah." He smiled, sucking the lollipop happily. "Yeah, I had to rough 'em a bit, but he'll be okay. The mental scars'll probably be gone in about a decade, or so."

_**"You...!" **_Ness inhaled and exhaled deeply through his teeth as if he were going mad. _**"Y-YOU...! YOU...! YOUUUUUUUUUU!"**_

Pikachu yawned, tired of his seething. ("Can you say _any _other letter of the alphabet?")

"Um, 'Y'?" meekly chirped Lucas.

"_**YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...!"**_ He then suddenly brightened up and started laughing. "...Dude, you totally killed him! How come you never told us you were this violent?"

He blinked. "...I'm not violent, I just thought he was... cramping our style. Yeah, that's it. He was cramping our style."

"Really? Then, you should do that more often! That was badass!"

"...You thought that was badass?"

"Yeah, man! I mean, did you hear that screaming?! You _murdered _him!"

He crossed his arms, smiling. "Well, yeah... Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?"

"And the part where he said that you told him you'd burn his face off and eat it for lunch? Classic, simply classic. I couldn't have come up with a better threat if I tried! How'd you think of that?"

He tittered. "Human flesh is surprisingly tasty."

...There couldn't have been any other amount of words that could've killed a conversation so quickly.

* * *

_**Elsewhere...**_

Ike cleaned his sword. "Shiny, shiny, shiny. You're really shiny today, aren'tcha, Ragnell? Yeah, you are."

Marth unsheathed his sword. "Mine's shinier."

"Uh, no. Mine is," added Link, showing off his. "I killed Ganondorf with it once."

Pit groaned._ "Yippee..."_

"Hey, look. The twerp's back," said Marth, pulling out a mirror and smiling at himself.

Link groaned. "Oh, not again." He turned to Toon Link. "Why're you back over here? I thought you were eating with the other twerps today."

Still trembling, his youthful form attached himself to his leg. _"...I'm a g-g-good boy, r-right? A g-g-goood boy..."_

"What the hell...?"

"Eh..." Ike swung Ragnell around. "Kids these days... Just leave 'em alone. Maybe he'll wander off and get eaten by those Floow that got loose last night."

Marth continued to admire himself. "Oh, those dreadful things? Urgh, they always do a number on my hair, and it's such a pain in the neck to fix... I hate them so."

"I could've killed 'em with Ragnell here, but yeah..."

"'Yeah', as in they killed you," chuckled Link. "Now, anyway, back to me and Zelda... We got off topic, I believe."

"_Please, no! Not again...!"_ pleaded Pit.

Standing, Marth grinned at himself in the handheld mirror. "Hold that thought, Link. I'll be right back. I've been looking pretty over here for too long. I need to spread it around." He made his way over to the punch table.

"Uh, I gotta go, too!" quickly added Pit, using it as an excuse to get way. "I need me some punch!"

"Oh, okay. Anyway, yeah..." Link brushed back his hair, sighing. "Me and Zelda are so tight. She totally pines for me all the time. That woman would lose her head if I wasn't around to save her all the time."

Ike pointed. "Good, 'cause here she comes now."

"ACK!" Looking around for shelter, Link suddenly threw himself into the sleeping, conveniently-placed Towtow.

Zelda came over and patted the emotionally scarred Toon Link on the head. "Well, hello there, Toon Lin-- Uh, what's wrong? You look a little pale..."

"_...I'm a g-g-good boy... A g-g-goood boy... I a-am... g... o... o... d...!"_

She sweatdropped. "Okay... Uh, here, have a Party Ball. Maybe that'll make you feel better." She randomly placed the paper ball on his head and left.

Link poked his head out of the Towtow's fur. "...Is she gone?"

"Yeah..." droned Ike, still cleaning Ragnell.

"Oh, good." He resumed his pompous stance.

"So, uh... can we get back to the subject of swords now?"

Link ignored him. "Oh, yeah! Zelda! Heh, like I was saying, we're so in-sync with each other. It's almost like fate!"

"_**OH MY GAWD! SHUT UP!" **_shouted Ike, finally fed up with his incessant babbling. Stabbing Ragnell into the Party Ball, he and Link watched it rise into the air, give off a cheesy fanfare, and produce nothing but sweets. Almost immediately, the Towtow's eyes snapped open.

_**"WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER?!" **_she demanded. Yes, this one's a girl. Shaddup.

"That guy over there," lied Ike. "How dare he try and have a party just 'cause you were sleeping? The very nerve!"

Link sweatdropped. "Eep."

_**"I'M GONNA RUN YOU DOWN!"**_

And she did just that. Butting the swordsman into the air, she and Ike watched as he plummeted into Marth and threw him into the punch bowl on the table behind him, messing up his shiny hair for the millionth time. An unsuspecting Pit couldn't help but watch and idly finish his cup of punch.

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**_ _Before you say anything, I think Toon Link is absolutely adorable, despite him not being one of my regulars. No harm was really intended. Also, Towtows are pure awesome. They're the only SSE enemies I like other than normal and Sword Primids, who're just plain annoying 60 percent of the time. __**AND BOY, DO I HATE FLOOWS. OMFG, I CAN'T PLAY SSE AT NIGHT BECAUSE OF THEM.**_


	12. Generic Plot Twist

**_Authoress' Notes_****_:_**_ Titles give away all sorts of things. And as far as the story goes, I'm still planning on stopping at Chapter 20, but it's still up in the air. Whatever my decision is, I'll make it by Chapter 15._

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 12: _**_Generic Plot Twist _

* * *

**_25 hours, 15 minutes, and 83 random Towtow attacks later..._**

Sitting at their usual table, everyone looked around for Ness to show up. Lunch wouldn't be over for another hour, but all the other Smashers were already done eating and had left, leaving the room particularly empty. Finally, the last member emerged from... somewhere and took his seat.

("Well, it's about time you showed up,") scoffed Pikachu. ("We're already done eating, as is everybody else. What kept you? You're usually the first one to get here.")

Ness scowled. "It's those stupid R.O.B. lunch ladies. I swear, they are the slowest things on the planet! Took 'em a freakin' hour to make the specialty of the day." He pointed to a crazy, deformed, meat, ham, bacon, fish, mutton, and chicken sandwich dripping with every condiment known to man and several that weren't even on the map.

Lucas raised an eyebrow. "Is that the Double-Decker Triple-Meat Baconator Atomic Burger that's said to kill you if you're a weak Smasher?"

"Eww, that thing's disgusting!" grimaced Nana. "I'm surprised they still serve 'em after what happened at that eating contest last year..."

Kirby snorted, drinking orange juice. "Poor Falco. He was in a coma for weeks."

"Uh, maybe you should hold off on that," suggested Lucas. "You might kill yourself... again."

"Don't worry," he laughed. "As the leader and a great fighter, I should be able to handle this no problem."

Nana rolled her eyes. "That's what Falco said."

Pikachu was about to agree, when his ears perked up. ("Wait... Who ever said _you_ were the leader?")

He scoffed. "Well, why not? I've got the coolest name, best looks, and strongest charisma. I'm the perfect leader for a ragtag group like this."

("Okay, you _do_ have a cool name, but trust me, looks only get you so far. ...And, compared to me, you have next to no charisma.")

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He laughed. "Well, you're not exactly the cream of the crop when it comes to game sales, sadly. I'm the king there, so shouldn't we be going by that?")

"What?!"

"Plus, you're not even a main representative. Me and Kirby are, but since I had the best game sales, I should be the leader by default.")

Kirby frowned. "Now wait just a minute! Are you trying to say you're better than me?"

("Of course. Out of Mario, me, and Link, you're the lowest rep. You're probably only in there 'cause you've got connections with Sakurai.")

"Hey! I'm the main rep of the guys who paid for you to be here! Plus, I'm cute; therefore,_ I_ should be the leader!"

"Woah, woah, woah! What about us?" asked Nana, pointing at herself. "We're important, too!"

Everyone else laughed, even Popo, who was quickly slapped senseless by his partner.

"You guys? Important? Yeah, right! You're just here 'cause you make the rest of us look good!" laughed Ness.

The female scowled. "What?! That's not true! As a matter of fact, out of everyone in this group, our game got on the map first, therefore, _we _should be the leaders!"

Pikachu shook his head. ("No, no, no... Age has nothing to do with it. It's all about the money, the publicity, the fans! _That's _all that matters. None of you even come close to me!")

"Well, what about me?" said Lucas. "I'm important, too! I... I've got... uh... um..."

Crickets chirped as everyone stared at him like he'd lost it.

He pointed to his cowlick. "...Need I say more?"

Pikachu smirked evilly. ("Sure, but a little haircut could change that in a heartbeat!")

"Y-you wouldn't...!"

Popo slammed his hammer on the table. "Well, at least we climb mountains, which is more than what I can say for you, Ness!"

He gasped, mocking him. "Ooh, _no_! The scary mountain people are gonna get me! Ooh, watch out! They're gonna throw their ice climbing equipment at me! And there's _no_ escape from their yellow snow attack!"

"Yeah, you'd better be scared!" Popo stuck his chest out, not realizing Ness' sarcasm.

"Well, then, take this, Mr. Funnyman!" Nana took one of Popo's shoes and threw it the laughing Ness. Seeing as the soles of their shoes were covered in sharp, 3-inch long spikes, perfect for ice climbing, the results were far from humorous... for Ness, anyway. As he rolled under the table in pain, everyone else busted out laughing.

"Hey, you can't do that to Ness!" defended Lucas, now threatened. "At least we're psychic! All you guys do is climb mountains so you can eat fruit! I mean, who grows fruit up there, anyway?! And why would you wanna climb a mountain just to eat it?!"

"..." For the first time ever, Nana didn't have the answer. And for the 1,849,059th time, Popo was just as clueless.

"Yeah! Besides, you guys are nowhere near as cute as me," Kirby smiled. "I'm so cute, my picture's in the dictionary under it!"

Pikachu waved a finger. ("Uh, no. Actually, I win in the cute department, too. But you got me on the whole 'pink is manly' thing... Yep, a _lotta_ people are gonna think that when they see you...")

"Are you trying to say I'm... girly?"

("You said it first...")

"No way! Being cute isn't girly! The only ones here girly are Lucas and Nana, but she doesn't count, 'cause she_ is_ a girl!"

Lucas pounded his fists on the table. _"I'm **not **girly!"_

("Yeah, you are!") mocked the rodent. ("Saying you're not girly's like saying Ness isn't fat!")

Almost on cue, he sat up from under the table. "**_...What..._** did you just say?"

("What? Is it not true?")

He pounded a fist on the table, making everyone jump. "_**...What you just said!**_ I_ **dare**_ you to say it again! C'mon, say it! I **_double dare_** you to say it again!"

Pikachu stuck his fingers in his mouth, stretching it out as a means of taunting. **_("YOU, SIR, ARE EXTREMLY ROTUND.")_**

"...Okay, you've just crossed the point of no return." He pointed a threatening finger at him. _"When the fat jokes hit the table, it's **on**!"_

("What's the big deal? So you could stand to lose a few pounds; big whoop.")

**_"I'm not fat!"_**

"Well, actually, I think he's more of a husky..."

"Shut up, Kirby!" he hissed. "You're in the same boat!"

The puffball's mouth hit the table. "Oh, so just 'cause I'm round, you automatically think I'm fat?!"

"Well, that's pretty much the definition..."

"Screw you, Ness! I'm supposed to look like this! At least I'm not a midget like you and Luciana over there!" He turned to the Ice Climbers. "And the same goes for you, too! Are you guys even children?!"

Lucas frowned, then perked up as the insult hit home. "...Did you just call me _Luciana_?!"

"And we are _too _children!" Popo scratched his head. "...Uh, I think."

Pikachu chuckled. ("See? Such immaturity amongst the less-popular heroes. It's a shame you're all not as famous as me.")

Ness hurled Popo's shoe at him. **_"Shut up!"_**

The mouse easily dodged, smirking. ("Tsk tsk. Blaming your failures on me won't bring you more fans. RPGs aren't what they used to be, are they, Ness? Luciana?")

_"Stop calling me that!"_

Nana sneered. "Y'know, Pikachu... Aren't Pokémon owned by humans who command their every single move?"

He did a double take. ("Wh--?!")

"Yeah, it's not like you can do what you want, like most of us other people can..." Kirby smugly crossed his arms. "I actually feel sorry for you. No, wait, what's that other thing? Oh, yeah! _**No, I don't**_!"

("You're all just jealous! The humans don't do crap! I mean, just look at the Pokémon Trainer! The lazy bum!")

"Yep, he's the lazy bum working his Pokémon straight into the ground!" laughed Popo.

_("That's not the way it works!")_

"How do you know?!" demanded Nana. "You're a Pokémon!"

("So, you're saying that just 'cause I'm a Pokémon, I lack intelligence?!")

"Well, if all you guys can say is your name, you can't be _that_ smart..."

He scoffed. ("So says the girl...")

"...What?"

("Oh? Did I step on nerve, _princess_?")

She gasped._ "How dare you?! You jerk! That is totally bias!"_

("Look who's calling the kettle black!")

"You know what?!" Ness pointed. "You're just a greedy, snot-nosed money hog! If you think you're so great, then why don't you just go hang out with other Pokémon?!"

"Probably 'cause they hate you just as much as we do!" Popo stuck his tongue out.

Pikachu was outraged. ("Where do you get off saying that to me, you freaky, incestuous loser?! You and Nana outta be ashamed of yourselves!")

Nana's mouth dropped open again. **_"WTF?! We're not related!"_**

"Of course you are!" added Kirby. "You're twins!"

"Who ever said that?!"

"The resemblance is uncanny..."

"Like you would know! You're so naive, Kirby! I bet you don't even _know _the difference between a boy and a girl!"

The Star Warrior was clearly taken aback. "...Is that some kind of a trick question?!"

Pikachu crossed his arms with a smirk. ("Where I come from, that kind of thing is frowned upon. You two would surely be killed for it.")

Ness waved his DS angrily. "Uh, News Flash: Pokémon inbreed all the time! Stop acting like _you're_ so high and mighty!"

("IT'S BECAUSE YOU STUPID HUMANS KEEP MAKING US DO IT!")

"Look who's talking!" Nana put her hands to her hips. "You outta respect us for taking such good care of you! You and your Pokémon pals eat twice as much fatty over there! It's a wonder we can feed them all!"

**_"WHAT?!"_**

"Stop calling Ness fat!" spat Lucas. "He's very sensitive about his weight!"

"Yeah! And if I'm fat, we all are, _**SO THERE**_!"

"You can't tell us what we are or what we're not!" retorted Pikachu. "Besides, if I was fat, I'd be the 'ph' kind, which I indeed am."

"And we're wearing parkas!" claimed Nana. "We're not really this poofy!"

Lucas rubbed his stomach. "Actually, I'm kinda underweight... I really need to eat more."

"I'm, like, the lightest guy here!" growled Kirby. "There's no way you're telling me _I'm_ fat!"

"Well, for a guy who freakin'**_ eats everything he can get his grubby, little mitts on,_** you sure are full of yourself... Pun intended."

_**"...PISS OFF!"**_ In a rage, the normally docile puffball tossed his orange juice across the table, inadvertently hitting Lucas square in the face.

_"Why, you--!"_ Lucas retaliated by throwing Ness' Double-Decker Triple-Meat Baconator Atomic Burger at him, missing and splattering it all over Nana's face. Needless to say, she freaked.

_"**AUUUUGHHHHH!** The blood of a thousand cows and pigs! It's... it's... **ALL OVER MEEEEEEEE**!"_

"Ooh! Don't forget the grease!" stupidly added Popo. "That thing's just dripping in it."

Ness shot Lucas a glare of maniacal proportions._ "WTF?! I was just about to eat that!"_

"...Sorry?"

_"That's not good enough!"_ With a growl, he picked up Lucas and threw him at Pikachu, causing him to shock him from his sudden launch across the table.

Nana picked up an eggplant from somewhere and jammed it into Ness' mouth. _"Why don't you ever eat vegetables for once?! It'd do you some good!"_

Popo and Kirby began a war of hammer and blade with each other, while Lucas struggled to get the statically-charged Pikachu detached from his hair.

Spitting the eggplant out, Ness grabbed Nana and did a piledriver on her. Quickly recovering, she attacked with a volley of vegetables that she pulled out of who-knows-where. Ness dove behind the table, turning it over and into a shield for the oncoming onslaught of healthy food. Grabbing a grease-soaked patty, a small part of what used to be his lunch, he threw it her, ducking back behind the table as a pumpkin flew overhead.

Afraid he'd somehow been permanently fused to his head by the static electricity, Lucas ran around the room, squealing and trying to get Pikachu out. The rodent gave him a good shock every now and again, making the situation even worse. Scared out of his mind, Lucas ran as fast as he could, bumping Pikachu into walls, slamming him into the floor, and occasionally hitting him with his conveniently-placed stick.

Kirby did a Final Cutter on Popo, but got it stuck in his retaliating hammer. This resulted in the two going into a never-ending loop of sword and hammer, pink and blue, and grunting and groaning as they tried to get away from each other.

Coming in through the front door, Toon Link blinked. Did he just see what he thought he did? Ness, Lucas, Nana, Popo, Pikachu, and even happy-go-lucky Kirby all declare their undying hate for one another through senseless fighting?! No way! Despite being beaten to a pulp by Lucas the other day, he decided to be the better man and try to make amends, but there seemed to be no reason to now. Everyone had broken up!

He rubbed his chin. Well, if he was already the good guy for coming back to them, he'd be the even cooler guy if he made them make up! Then, they'd make _him _leader! He smiled broadly. This was gonna be fun...

"Guys! Guys!" he pleaded, going over to stop the madness. "There's no need for this! C'mon, stop it already!"

He was ignored as Nana threw corn at Ness, missing and smacking Kirby upside the head.

"Guys!"

Lucas rammed Pikachu into the wall again, resulting in both of them getting shocked.

_"Guys!"_

Popo swung Kirby around with his hammer, pulling loose the blade, only for Kirby to regain control of it and stab him in the butt.

_**"GUYS!"**_ Seeing his pleas go unheard, he pulled out his boomerang and tossed it around the room, eventually catching everyone and smashing them all together in a heap. Pikachu let loose one last jolt on everyone before falling out of Lucas' hair.

Popo frowned. "Um, ouch..."

"Hey, what's the big idea?!" growled Ness.

"Yeah!" added Kirby. "We're busy venting over here, so get lost!"

"Despite my horrific pummeling the other day, from what I remember, you guys were best friends!" He crossed his arms. "Now, you're fighting like you're the worst enemies on the planet!"

"I wouldn't be surprised if we were!" Nana retorted, readying to throw a Chinese cabbage.

"Yeah! We totally have nothing in common!" Lucas frantically began combing his hair down, only making it worse. "Besides, I thought I made it clear yesterday that you're not wanted here!"

Pikachu shooed him off. ("Wimpy Girl's right! Take a hike already!")

Nana rolled her eyes. "You're such a jerk, Pikachu! You need to wash your mouth out with soap! Most of the insults are comin' from _you_!"

("Aw, put a sock in it!") He threw a carrot at her, missing and thumping Kirby on the head.

_"Why do you keep on hitting me with your stinkin' fruit?!"_ he roared. _"I don't like it any more than Ness does!"_

"Apparently, you've all gone and missed the point of you guys being together, and I've come to be the better man and make things right!"

"Good, then do us all a favor and kill him!" Ness glared at Pikachu, who glared back. "He won't stop calling me fat!"

("'Cause you _are_!")

"See?!"

Sighing, Toon Link stood between the two. "Regardless of his appearance, Ness is considered a lightweight Smasher, just like everyone else here, mind you, so calling him fat is not only immature, but just flat out wrong..."

He scoffed. ("Could've fooled me...")

"Ha! See?"

"_But..._ that doesn't mean you should try to pin that on others, Ness. You were in the wrong, too."

"...Hey, I thought you were on my side!"

"Also," he went over to the Ice Climbers, "these two are more important than you might think. I mean, if it weren't for guys like them, games today would be nowhere near as good as they are now."

Nana sweatdropped. "Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence..."

"And Pikachu. You may be a main representative, but that doesn't make you any better than anyone else. No matter how popular or successful you are, Mario pwns you up and down in every single way possible, as he does to everyone in this tournament who is not him. Not to mention, he doesn't brag about it... as much."

("Yeah, well--!") He stopped, unable to retort to what was the truth.

"By the way, Kirby's not naive, Nana, just misunderstood. Considering where he comes from, is it any wonder he's not all there when it comes to knowing how to do certain things? Does it seem to be hampering his performance as a Smasher? I don't think so."

Kirby taunted. "Ha, take that!"

"And Kirby, who ever said Nana and Popo were related? Maybe everyone looks the way they do... wherever they come from..."

He stopped his taunts and sighed. "Aw, now I'm sad..."

"Finally, Lucas is not girly, period. He just craves attention, so he finds himself acting that way in order to get others to notice him. Maybe it _is_ in his nature, but that's probably because you won't give him the time of day to prove otherwise. Ever thought of _that_?"

Lucas stuck his tongue out. "And I didn't say anything mean, so I'm the only one right!"

"Criticizing the motives of someone's game is considered_ very_ mean. Does it really matter why the Ice Climbers climb mountains to eat fruit?"

"...But it doesn't make sense..."

"...Does it have to?"

"..." Everyone just looked at each other, soaking in Toon Link's words. To make matters worse, he was right about it all.

Nana sighed. "Sorry I called you naive, Kirby. Guess that was a little bias..."

"Sorry for... uh... makin' fun of you guys," said Ness, obviously not used to apologizing.

Pikachu looked to Lucas. ("Sorry I called you Luciana...")

Lucas scratched his head. "I'm still not sure why I'm sorry, but I guess I am..."

"Sorry I said you were husky," apologized Kirby. "I really didn't mean anything by it..."

"Sorry I can't think of a better way to bring Schlemiel back from the dead," sighed Popo. "It's just... the ritual seemed like the only progress we've made and I just felt confident going with it..."

"There, see? Isn't that--" Toon Link did a double take. **_"Schlemiel's dead?!"_**

"Oh, great!" Nana threw her hands in the air. "Now he knows! We _gotta _let 'em join now!"

"B-but how...? And when?" He shuddered. "I just played with him a few days ago..."

"Yeah, then Marth had the privilege of doing him in..." Kirby lowered his head. "Sorry."

"So, you guys are trying to get a _new _Schlemiel? No one else knows, right?"

"Other than Marth, but I think his good looks made him forget. Otherwise, he would've told by now..." Ness shrugged. "And we're working on it, but we kinda keep getting sidetracked..."

"Then, I'm just the guy you need! I'm very good with productivity! I promise I'll do all I can to help!"

Nana grinned. "That's nice, but if you so much as breathe a word to anyone else, we'll kill you."

He smiled nervously, backing away. "Heh heh... Uh, c'mon now. No need to get violent... Still recovering from yesterday here..."

Kirby looked at Ness. "Then, it's official?"

He nodded. "It's official!"

_**"Toon Link had joined your team!"**_ bellowed a voice from nowhere. Everyone looked around in confusion.

("Who the hell was that?!") demanded Pikachu.

Ness waved it off. "Eh, probably that narrator guy who announces all the fights and stuff. He... does that every now and again."

"Yeah..." Lucas looked around nervously. "I think that guy follows me into the bathroom sometimes..."

Kirby sweatdropped. "Lucas, he's a voice. He can't do anything other than talk."

"Then, _you _try using the toilet with some guy yelling, **_'You've unzipped your pants!'_** behind you!"

...Crickets chirped two minutes straight until Pikachu half-scoffed, half-laughed. ("...Pussy.")

**_"HEY!"_**

Toon Link gritted his teeth. "What did I just get through telling you?!"

"Don't even bother with him, TL!" snorted Ness. "He's never gonna learn."

("So says Fatty McFattison over here.")

**_"WHAT?!"_**

"Guys, seriously, stop it!" pleaded Nana. "This has gone on long enough!"

("Stay out of this, Nana! Nobody cares!")

Popo frowned. "Hey, you can't talk to her that way! And she was right earlier; you're just a big, stupid, stuck-up jerk!"

("And what're you gonna do about it?!")

Nana slammed his head on the table. "Nothing! I'll be glad to do it!"

"Ha! That's showin' 'em what for!" laughed the dark-haired boy.

Pikachu threw Nana off. ("Shut up, Ness, you fat, bloated sack of--") He couldn't finish, a rogue baseball bat knocking him upside the head. He glared at the offender. ("Wow, you must be pretty desperate to use an illegitimate move like that.")

"So says Mr. Popular. You cheat all the time behind the scenes and you know it!"

("Exactly! That's why I'm more popular than you! If you walk into a room full of people you've never seen before and shout 'Pikachu!', you better bet they'll all react in some way or another! You walk into the same room and shout 'Ness!', they'll be like, 'What's with the random suffix?'")

"...You did **_not _**just make fun of my awesome name!"

("Yes, I _**did**_!")

Ness retorted by tackling Pikachu and slamming into the floor. Despite his current position beneath him, he laughed. ("Now I know why you and Porky used to be friends! You're both so freakin' _fat_!")

**_"Shut up!"_** He punched him in the face. Pikachu then grabbed his arms and threw him into the wall, knocking over Popo in the process.

"All right, that's it!" he declared. "It's all fun and games until you start throwing people into the wall, potentially severing their spine!"

He ran over to attack Pikachu, but a Thunder sent him flying into the wall with Ness, badly electrocuting them both. Nana looked on as Toon Link shook his head.

"Y'know what? You're all crazy! I guess Nana and I are the only mature ones here. Isn't that right?"

She smiled, waving her hammer about. "Right!"

"Oh, yeah! And this is for earlier!" Ness grabbed a discarded eggplant and smashed it into her face. Despite her expression covered by the vegetable, the sudden choking of Ness' neck proved she didn't find the surprise attack as funny as he did.

The younger Link sweatdropped, then crossed his arms. "Go figure... Well, just so you know, I'm not gonna be persuaded to--" He was cut off as Pikachu was thrown into him, a result of Ness' PK Fire. **_"All right! That does it! Who wants some?!"_**

Lucas and Kirby, the only ones not even remotely interested in fighting anymore, sweatdropped at the others knocking themselves silly.

Kirby looked at Lucas, pulling out several gaming tokens. "...30 Smash Coins on TL."

The blond smiled. "...You're on. Ness obviously has the upper hand..."

* * *

**_Authoress' Notes_****_:_**_ Pikachu's theory about walking into a room, shouting his name, and getting feedback has to be the best show of arrogance ever, mostly 'cause it's true._


	13. Spider Pig Takes Annoying to a New Level

**_Authoress' Notes_****_: _**_Man, I hate the radio. I absolutely need music to listen to while driving, but the stupid DJs simply refuse to play a song more than 3 minutes. Then it's freakin' 20 minutes of TALK TALK TALK. GAH. The TV **and **radio officially suck now, so here's a chapter semi-making fun of that._

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 13:_**_ Spider Pig Takes Annoying to a New Level_

* * *

**_Hours later, somewhere else..._**

Porky tapped his finger on a diamondized table in his luxurious room that was obviously his. Nearly everything around him was either made of diamond or gold, but this didn't please him, not one bit. In fact, it kind of pissed him off.

He slammed his fist onto a random button nearby. "Minions, get in here!"

No sooner had he said that, several Pigmasks ran through the door. "Yes, sir!"

"I'm bored! And I mean, _reeeeeeally_ bored... Give me suggestions on how to cure this, or you die!"

"Uh, maybe you could go kill somebody?" suggested one.

"TOO PREDICTABLE!" He pushed the button again and said Pigmask was flung out the window. "Next!"

"Uh, rally the troops and mutiny?"

"Against what?! I'M THE KING!" He was also flung out the window. "Next!"

"Take up learning a second language?"

"..." He sailed out the window as well. "Next!"

"Uh..." The last Pigmask scrambled with an answer. "S-start a p-pirate radio... uh, t-talk show...?" He cowered. **_"ACK! Please have mercy!"_**

Porky was about to push the button, but stopped. "...Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea... Just imagine how annoying I'd be! The repetitive music, the mindless advertising, the boring interviews with random people, the crappy prize giveaways with no benefit whatsoever! It's perfect! Why didn't_ I_ think of this?!"

"...Then, you're going to spare me?"

His finger hovered over the button. "Whose idea was this...?"

"_Yours!_ It was yours! All yours! You thought of it and declared it; I just sat here and watched!"

"Exactly!" He pointed out the door. "Now, haul ass before I kick it!"

_"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"_ squealed the crony, running off.

He pushed another button. "Fluffykins, get in here! We 'bout ta tear dis mofo up..."

* * *

**_Back at the mansion, in the front yard..._**

Ness sighed, massaging his head. "Okay... despite the earlier scuffle, I'm sure everyone has made up with everyone else, right?"

Crickets chirped and eyebrows were raised.

"...Yeah... So, bringing back Schlemiel..." He looked around. "We need to stop fooling around and do it already. Any ideas?"

Popo raised his hand.

_"Popo, I swear, if you say the word 'ritual' one more time...!"_

His hand dropped. Lucas raised his.

"Yeah?"

"Why don't we go back in time before it ever happened and stop ourselves from doing it?"

Toon Link nodded. "Yeah, I like that idea. Let's go with that one."

"And how exactly would we go about doing that?"

He beamed stupidly. "...Imagination?"

"...Lucas?"

"Yes?"

"You need help. Professional help."

"I know."

_"Oooooooooooookaaaaaaaayyyy..."_ Nana scooted away from him and cleared her throat. "...Uh, is it possible to buy parts from other places and make a new one ourselves? I mean, I'm sure we all have our connections."

("I know _I _do,") boasted Pikachu. ("I know tons of people in high places, mostly 'cause I am one.")

Ness twirled his finger about. "Whoop-dee-damn-doo..."

Before Pikachu had the chance to slap him senseless for that, a large earthquake rumbled, throwing everyone off their feet, even though they were already sitting on the ground. In a collapsed heap, they all looked up to see the Pig King Statue towering above them.

"Oh, please... Not again..." groaned Ness.

Popo frowned. "Sheesh, Porky really let himself go! I mean, seriously! He needs to see somebody about this!"

Pikachu kicked him in the head. ("That's a statue, dumbass!")

The statue raised its arms and slammed them down as Porky's voice came out of it. "Attention, all losers, noobs, and butt-heads named Ness! I have decided to start a pirate radio system in order to not only kill time, but to eventually make you all bow down to me and become my slaves! It'll be like watching TV, but cooler! DAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Lucas blinked. "Wow, this has got to be his dumbest idea yet..."

"So," Porky continued, "without further ado, behold! The best damn radio/talk show ever! DAHAHAHAHA! You are listening to 6.66 FM, RADIO P-O-R-K-I! WOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He pushed the sound effects button, making a bunch of pigs squeal and oink and a crazy, synthesized voice shout, "YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND THE TRUE FORM OF OUR MUSIC!" as some sort of disjointed jingle. His theme then blared across the Smash Mansion perimeters, forcing every single Smasher to poke their head out of a window or door in annoyance.

"What is all this?!" demanded Ike. "I swear, can't a guy have lunch with his sword in peace around here?!"

"Yeah!" added an irate Bowser. "All that noise made the soufflé fall in! Now it's ruined!"

Everyone looked at him and sweatdropped.

"...What?! I never said it was mine! YOU CAN'T PROVE IT!"

Peach drew her parasol. "I honestly have no idea where that monstrosity came from, but someone needs to get rid of it immediately! It's ruining the front yard!"

"Attention, losers!" came Porky's voice again. "Please do not touch my awesome statue! It's the only way you'll be able to hear me on the radio! That's a big no-no there, so LEAVE IT ALONE!"

Kirby scoffed. "Ha! Yeah, right! I mean, it's not like he can do anything about it..."

Lucas sweardropped. "Uh, Kirby? You know that thing's invincible, right?"

No sooner had he said that, Kirby touched the statue and was violently electrocuted.

**_"AAJDHJEFHERJHEIDRUEIOERIOCFHNRECFNWERKFCNKWEJ!"_** was the only thing he could say out of shock. HAHA PUN.

"Uh oh!" snorted Porky. "The Nessux System has just detected a noob trying to touch the statue! You might not wanna do that again, or you'll get another little jolt. And that'll probably kill you. And if it doesn't kill you, you'll wish it did. Last warning, noob! DON'T TOUCH!"

Burnt to a crisp, Kirby fell over. _"...H-he c-could've said that e-earlier..."_

"Moving on! Uh... now, what to do, what to do...? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Ooh! Let's take some calls!" He pushed a button. "Uh, hello! Hello, who is this?!"

"Uh, hello?" came some guy's voice.

"Yes! You're on with the king! How can you serve me today?!"

"Porky, I just wanted to say that you rule, man! I'm, like, so glad I live in your city! ALL HAIL KING PORK!"

"Well, duh! I already knew that." He pushed the sound effects button, making the distinct Home-Run Bat sound. "OOH, BURNED! Next caller!"

"OMG, lol!" giggled a girl. "So i herd u liek Mudkipz?! Dew u liek Mudkipz? Lololol?!"

"I like them the way I like my dinner! DEAD!" Laughter followed, thanks to the sound effects button. "Next caller!"

"Um, yeah. I just wanted to know why we can never see your eyes. I mean, what's up with that? How the hell do you see?"

A loud fart sounded. "**_Ooh, ho!_** That's was she said last night! Next caller!"

"Hey! Hey! Is your refrigerator running?!"

"No, and neither is your brain!" Tires skidded, then a loud crash sounded. "Okay, this is boring now. MUSIC TIME! Listen! It's my awesome theme song! AGAIN!"

As he finished, it started playing... AGAIN.

Ness was at a loss for words. Despite that, he said, _"WTF is wrong with this guy?!"_

Pikachu shrugged. ("How should we know? He's _your_ ex-best friend.")

"Yeah, but this is just taking it too far!"

"Well, it's not like we have much of a choice. I mean, at least the music's good," said the barbequed Kirby on the ground. "Maybe he's turned over a new leaf."

"HEY, GUYS!" spat Porky over the music. "Y'know, I said this would be the best damn radio/talk show ever, but it sure wouldn't be that without my luxurious vocal assistance! And my wacky sidekick/killing machine, Fluffykins!"

"It is an honor and privilege to be here," came his voice.

"Yeah! So, listen to this awesome song and my sexy voice, along with your, uh, Spanishness... ess..."

_"Sí, Rey Porky."_

"Okay, so where to begin...? Where to begin…? Oh! I know! NESS! I freakin' hate him! He's a stupid, loser, stinky, stupid, loser, loser, stupid, stinky, stinky guy who puts holes in your underwear when you're sleeping! Worst guy to know... EVER! Didja know he's afraid of ravioli?!"

"WTF?!" protested his rival. "No, I'm not!"

Popo pointed. "Ah HA! No wonder you never get any pasta from the lunch line! I knew it!"

"You can't believe a thing he says! He's the bad guy!"

"Exactly, so why wouldn't he be trying to divulge all your deepest, darkest secrets over the radio?" said Nana.

"That doesn't mean any of them are true!"

"--and threw 'em into a pit of cats! The basement smelled like sushi for a week!" continued Porky, laughing like an idiot afterwards.

Ness shook his head. "Well, it's not like he can keep this up forever. He'll probably get bored and stop after an hour, or so..."

* * *

_**Later...**_

Now entering its fifth hour of playing, Porky's theme blared across the entire Smash Mansion, thanks to the giant statue on the front lawn.

_"Why... won't... it end?!"_ growled Ness, writhing on the ground in pain.

"Ooh, 'Well, it's not like he can keep this up forever. He'll probably get bored and stop after an hour, or so...' Yeah, right!" spat Nana. "This is torture; pure, unadulterated torture, and you know it!"

"Can someone PLEASE turn that thing off?!" begged Toon Link. "I think I'm actually starting to lose brain cells!"

Popo laughed. "Ah, don't worry. Things get easier as your brain dies, TL. Just take it nice and easy. Think happy thoughts, and when your brain kicks the bucket, that's all you'll ever be... _Happy..."_

Lucas coughed awkwardly. "Uh, wow... That actually kinda makes sense..."

Pikachu threw his hands up. ("All right, it's official; when Popo starts making sense, that means we're all losing our minds!")

"Look," reasoned Kirby, "I'm sure there's probably a plug or a cord or something around here that can shut that thing off. All we gotta do is find it..."

"We can't; Porky's controlling it from an invincible satellite," remarked Lucas.

"What?! How do you know?"

He simply pointed up and, about 700 feet in the air, was a giant satellite similar looking to that big ship thingy in SSE. Pig snouts were all over it, with "XD" sloppily painted on the side.

Upon seeing this, Ness fell over. "Aw, come on!"

Hearing the song coming to an end, Nana took out her earplugs. "Phew, finally, it's ov--" Her ears suddenly picked up the familiar bass and she screamed bloody murder. **_"OH, GAWD, HE'S PLAYING IT AGAIN!"_**

**_"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"_** Kirby did a running jump into a nearby pond.

"HEY, GUYS!" came Porky's annoying voice over the music. "Guess what?! It's time for 'Speaking Spanish of Doom with Fluffykins!' Learn how to conquer vast, unknown worlds by confusing them with the Spanish language! Today, we're gonna talk about how much Pig's Butt sucks, so repeat after me! Ahem! Ness is a loser!"

_"¡Ness es un perdedor!"_ repeated Fluffykins, but in Spanish.

"Ness can eat my shorts!"

_"¡Ness puede comer mis cortocircuitos!"_

"Ness is an ass!"

_"¡Ness es un asno!"_

Pikachu shook his head. ("Wow, wow... Just wow, man.")

Nana twitched. "I THINK I'M LOSING MY MIND. I REALLY DO."

"SOMEONE SHUT IT OFF NOW!" drooled Toon Link, not at all looking well.

_"PK Fire! Dammit! PK Fire! Dammit! **PK FIRE! DAMMIT!"**_ growled Ness, trying over and over again to set the statue ablaze.

"..." Kirby said nothing, due to the fact he was currently unconscious in the pond.

"..." Popo also had nothing to say, due to the fact that he'd gone into a self-induced trance.

Lucas ate a cookie and smiled. "...I think it's educational."

* * *

**_10 excruciating hours later..._**

"Well, guys, it's late, late, LATE! I'm tired and I wanna go home, so I guess it's time to close for today..."

"FINALLY!" Ness fell to his knees. "THANK YOU FOR ENDING THE DAY, MOTHER EARTH!"

"Of course, you snot-heads would go crazy and kill yourselves I wasn't around for you to listen to, so here! Listen to this wicked song I play at all my villainous meetings! Uh, yeah, okay I'm goin' home now... Smell ya later!"

Feet were shuffled and Porky could be heard cursing in the background, apparently falling down some stairs.

"Ah! Yes! GOLDEN SILENCE!" laughed Nana, half-crazy. _"Everybody, shhhhhhhhh! Shut up and listen...!"_

The sweet sound of silence ruled the area until a robotic voice suddenly started droning, "YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK."

Pikachu's eyes nearly fell out of his head. **_("...WTF?!")_**

"OMG, NO!" Nana attacked the statue with her hammer. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

"YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK. YOU LIKE PORK. OBEY PORK," it continued.

Pikachu zapped it several times with no luck. ("NO! IT WON'T TURN OFF!")

Kirby got into the fetal position. "IT HURTS, NESS. IT HURTS. PLZ HELP ME. IT HURTS."

Ness jammed his fists into his ears. "I'M NOT LISTENING! I'M NOT LISTENING...! NO! I CAN STILL HEAR IT!"

"WHY ARE WE TALKING LIKE THIS?!" demanded Popo, asking one of the smartest questions his feeble brain was ever able to produce.

Lucas swayed his head with it. "I don't see what the big deal is... I kinda like it. Someone should make this into a remix!"

_"That radio!"_ snarled Ike, sticking his head out a window. _**"IT... WON'T... STOP...!"**_

"Well, I don't know about you other wimps, but I'm gonna put an end to all of this!" stated Bowser, walking out of the house. He pulled out a Smash Ball. "IT'S GO TIME!"

A nearby Jigglypuff gasped. ("Bowser, you can't do that! Using a Final Smash outside of battle's illegal!")

_"I DON'T CARE!"_ he retorted, using it to become Giga Bowser._** "THIS CRAP HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH! DIE! RAGHGGGHHAGA!"**_

He approached the statue and proceeded to wrestle it, but was somehow defeated in 5.3 seconds, which was weird, especially since the statue never once moved.

"Gah, this is ridiculous," mumbled Link, coming out with a Smash Ball in hand.

Jigglypuff sweatdropped. ("You've got one, too?! But they're ille--!")

Link pushed her down. "Move it, cretin! I can handle this!"

"Me, too!" added Wolf, a Smash Ball in tow.

"Me, three!" claimed Sonic, also having one.

"I can do it better!" Mario also claimed, not unexpectedly having one.

"YOU'RE ALL DOING IT WRONG!" proclaimed Lucario, already infused with it. "My Final Smash is obviously the coolest!"

It wasn't long before every single Smasher was using their Final Smash on the Pig King Statue, not one succeeding. The only ones not involved in the chaos were the five kids, Pikachu, and whatever the heck Kirby is.

And with that, the whole place descended into madness. Smashers screamed bloody murder, while throwing chairs, TVs, and pianos out of pure frustration of their Final Smashes failing to work. Things somehow caught on fire for no reason and a missile from who-knows-where slammed into the backyard, creating a mushroom cloud and blowing nearly everybody off the premises.

* * *

**_The next day..._**

"Geeeeeeeeeeeeeet up, losers! Wakey-wakey! Open your eyes and smell the bacon! Ya know ya wanna! I'm gonna sing until you do, y'know!**_ Lalalalalalalalalala_**!"

_"Uhhhhhhhhh..."_ Ness groaned, sitting up in the middle of the front yard. He glowered at the statue.

"Hey, guys! You are officially chillin' with the villain! The main man and official king of the world, Porky!" Pigs started oinking and squealing, the one sound everyone in the mansion now officially hated.

"..." Ness twitched, only getting about a collective hour of sleep last night.

"Hey, y'know what?! Let's play my theme again for, like, the hundredth time! It's a total chart topper!"

"Maybe that's because it's the only song you've been playing since this whole thing started," said Fluffykins.

"Exactly! So let's play it again!" And the horrible, pompous song blared across the front yard once _again_. "Oh, I love this song! Hey, y'know what? This song reminds me of this one time I--"

"..." The psychic could say nothing, do nothing, _think_ nothing... except that he was hungry and it was time to eat.

* * *

**_In the lunchroom..._**

"--And he says, this is what he says, he says, 'Hey, you! Drop the soap and don't make any sudden movements! I'm gonna puke if ya don't!' And I'm like, 'Oh, no he didn't!' and I got out the grenade launcher! Pudding went everywhere! Oh, and speaking of pudding, there was this one time--"

As Ness walked in, he couldn't help but notice that few the Smashers that were in there were in just as much of a stupor as he was. They walked around like zombies, eating nothing but pork and ham. Of course, that was expected; **_everybody loves pork._**

"Hiya, Ness!" greeted Lucas, popping out of nowhere. "So, what's for breakfast? Ooh, can we have pizza?! I'm in a pizza mood today."

Ness grinned crazily. "Oh, Lucas, you stupid twit. Having anything but pork is illegal. Drinking anything other than grease and soda is illegal. Having a free mind is illegal. Don't you know anything?"

He sweatdropped. "Huh?"

"Porky has finally taken over. It's all downhill from here, and I'm usually sarcastic about that, but this time, I am serious. DEAD SERIOUS."

He gasped. "OMG, Ness! Snap out of it!" He slapped him with his stick... Ew. "You've gone insane! You're being controlled! This isn't you!"

"...Ow."

"Sorry, you were a little outta it..."

"...Wait..." He snapped his head up. "Lucas?! Y-you're not hypnotized!"

He tittered. "Of course not! Porky's only hypnotizing those who either have no one to serve, or think others should serve them. And since I think you're the coolest thing ever, it doesn't affect me! Yay, impervious me!"

"Wow, that's so flattering and disturbing at the same time..."

"Aw, I bet you say that to all your ravenous fans!"

"Uh, no... No, I don't. And don't you think it's a good thing either. I just might have to get a restraining order against you."

"Wow!" He smirked. "Laying it on a little thick today, aren't we, Ness?"

"Ye--NO! NO, I AM NOT!" He twitched. "ARGH! WE HAVE TO STOP THIS RADIO BROADCAST! IT'S DRIVING ME UP THE WALL!"

"Sorry, but his satellite's invincible, and I don't know how to get to New Pork City from here."

He growled. "Well, where are the others? Surely, they can do _something_!"

Lucas wordlessly pointed over to another table where everybody was sitting, eating nothing but pork like a bunch of carnivorous pork-loving zombies.

Irritated, Ness ran over and grabbed Popo. "C'mon, snap out of it! You don't really wanna eat this crap, do you?!"

"GET AWAY, FOOL! I'M EATING PORK!" he spat.

"Nana, what about you? I thought you said you hated Porky! Remember when he tried to hit on you?"

"NO WAY! KING PORKY IS THE COOLEST, HOTTEST HUNK EVER! I WANNA MARRY HIM!" she droned.

"Kirby?!"

"HI, NESS! CARE TO SIGN YOUR SOUL OVER FOR THE LOVE OF PORK?!"

"TL?!"

"HEY, DON'TCHA THINK KING P'S JUST THE COOLEST?! COOLER THAN A POLAR BEAR'S TOENAILS! YUP YUP!"

"Pikachu?!"

("Y'KNOW, I'LL ALWAYS BE THE MOST POPULAR ONE HERE!")

He sighed. "Well, at least _you're_ normal..."

("AND POPULAR! BUT KING PORKY IS A LOT MORE POPULAR THAN I AM! HE'S PHAT LIKE THAT!")

_"Aah!"_ He ran back over to Lucas. "It's no use! They're too far gone!"

"Told ya," he chirped.

He made a face. "And why're you so happy about this? Nearly everyone here is under Porky's control! In case you didn't notice, that's a bad thing!"

"Maybe I'm just being optimistic," he shrugged. "At least _you're_ not hypnotized."

Ness looked at him long and hard, just wanting to beat him upside the head with his bat until he stopped smiling that stupid smile of his. ...But then, he'd be the only sane one around.

"...Well, that's it. We're all doomed to a horrible demise thanks to Porky and his dumbass job as a DJ." He dropped his head on the table. "I really didn't think I'd die a virgin..."

"I still don't think it's that bad. You kinda get used to it... I guess."

"--and shoved it right up his ass! DAHAHAHAHA!" Porky stopped talking. "Ooh! Hey, look! It's 9:00 a.m.! You know what that means, right?!"

"Why, no _Rey Porky_, I don't," said Fluffykins. "What does that mean?"

"It means it's time to talk to a random, unimportant loser, and ask them about themselves! As if anyone really wants to hear this crap this early in the morning!"

"Ooh, I am the liking that!"

"And today, we have a furry!" He suddenly realized what he said. "AAH! A furry!"

"I'm not a furry, I'm a fox! Fox McCloud, actually. Happy to be here!"

"SHUT UP AND BE BORING, DAMN YOU."

"...Uh, okay?"

"HEY, 'JA HEAR THAT?!" asked Nana, who had clearly lost her mind. "EETZ FOXXX!"

"KEWL!" added Kirby, also currently insane. "LET'S LISTEN TO HIS BORING MOUTH TALK!"

"So, furry! What would you say is your favorite time of the year?"

"I--"

"WRONG! Next question! How good of a fighter are ya?!"

"A--"

"EEEEENH! WRONG! Next! Are you romantically involved with any one of your teammates?!"

"Well, there was this one time--"

"OKAY! Now, fight me to the death!"

"Wha?!"

"3, 2, 1, **_GO_**!"

And following sounds of Porky laughing and Fox screaming proved that chaos ensued.

"Oh, great!" Ness rolled his eyes. "Now he's interviewing people! That's just swell!"

"How's that even possible?" asked Lucas. "New Pork City isn't even on the same plane as... this place is. There's no way to get there from here... right?"

"...Where are we, anyway?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...?"

Ness sweatdropped. "Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're boned. Big time."

" DAHAHAHA! Well, now that I've defeated a furry, I feel pretty proud of myself! And since that's because I'm the greatest, I shall now hold a contest! Whoever's the first loser to call in and get the trivia question of the day right gets... an expired box of oatmeal! WHAT JOY!"

"YAY," rejoiced his slaves.

"And here's the question! Who do I hate the most and why?! Ready, set, call in!" No sooner had he said that, the phone rang. "OMFG, WTF do you want?!"

"Uh, hey there. Uh, is how expired is that box of oatmeal?" asked the caller.

"Exactly three months this time tomorrow!"

"Cool! Okay, okay! Uh, I think I got the answer to your question!"

"Then, spit it out already!"

"Uh, you hate Link because... he's a jerk?"

Booing and hissing sounded. "Wow. You must be the king of stupid to get that wrong. Man, you suck." He hung up.

* * *

Pit frowned sadly at the dial tone. "What? ...I got it wrong?"

Marth stood and slammed his hands on the table. "IDIOT! I told you the answer was King Dedede because he only eats sausages! YOU ARE A FREAKING LOSER!"

Link pouted. "I don't see why you didn't let me answer! Mario was the right choice 'cause he has no moral sense of toasted jelly! Everyone knows that!"

Ike rubbed his head. "You're all losers, if you ask me..."

* * *

Porky snorted. "Wow, you guys all suck. And not just _suck_ suck, I mean, _super _suck suck! The answer was I hate Ness, 'cause he's stupid and dumb!" He blew a raspberry.

Lucas rolled his eyes. "Of course..."

"Well, since that went over like a lead balloon, it's time to take some calls! Fluffykins, get the phone lines ready."

"I am sorry, _Rey Porky_. I cannot do such a thing."

"What?! Why?!"

"It appears everyone listening is too busy, er, listening to actually call in..."

He slammed his fist on the table. "WHAT?! What is wrong with you idiots?! Radio/talk shows can't be annoying without mindless drabble, and I sure ain't gonna be the one flappin' his gums all the time! Call in NOW, ya buncha lazy, snot-nosed, good-for-nothin', sons of--!"

"Hm, _uno momento, Rey Porky._ We have a call now."

He scoffed. "Sheesh, slow-ass! Took 'em long enough!" He picked up the phone. "Hiya, loser! How can you serve me today?"

"Attention, Porky Minch!"

"That's my name; don't wear it out!"

"Your evilness is appreciated and respected..."

"Yeah..."

"But I'm afraid I'm going to have to put my foot down, no pun intended, and stop your reign of terror for good!"

"What?! Who's this and how dare you speak to your superior that way?!"

"This is Master Hand, ruler and purveyor of all things Super Smash! Your continuous babbling and subliminal messages are turning my Smashers into drones, and only me and Crazy Hand are allowed to do that!"

Ness and Lucas perked up upon hearing this.

"Master Hand!" exclaimed Ness. "Aw, I totally forgot about him! He can save us!"

"Where has he been anyway? Haven't seen him since Schlemiel died..."

"Who cares? He's here now, and he'll most likely save us!"

Back on the radio, Porky snorted. "So... Why should I give a pig's ass that you called?"

"I'm telling you to tone it down a bit and keep your onslaught of evilness to your respective nemeses, i.e., Ness and Lucas. You can make their lives a living Hell if you want. You're not being fair to the other villains, you know."

He scoffed. "I don't have to listen to a stupid, floating hand if I don't want to! As a boss in SSE, I'm allowed to make everyone's life who was involved a living Hell if I want! Not to mention, _**I'M THE KING**_!"

"Then I have no choice but to come over there, poke your fat face into the ground, and show you who's boss, you little--!"

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, _HEY_, **_HEY!_**" interrupted Porky. "I don't know who you think you are trying to come on my show and sass me, but lemme tell you this! You don't run this, Hand, **_I _**do! So unless you want **_me_** to come over **_there_** and spank **_you_**, I suggest you and your ADHD half-brother go back to stalking little boys for a living! SCREW YOU!"

He pushed a button and a toilet flushed, along with farting.

"Oh..." came Master Hand's voice, clearly annoyed. "Oh, yeah. You're just asking for it. Yeah, that's it. We're on our way to kill you right now."

"SHUT UP AND GET OFF THE PHONE!" Porky hung up. "Okay, okay! Well, that guy was the dumbest dumb dumb dumb guy in all of dumbdom! He deserves to die, don'tcha think, Fluffykins?"

_"Sí, Rey Porky."_

Lucas tried not to laugh at Master Hand's pwnage. "Well, heh, so much so for that... Heh heh..."

"..." Ness was now officially out of things to say. He just kept shaking his head, desperately trying to find a Ray Gun and blow someone's brains out.

Just then, something crashed on the radio. Master Hand could be heard. "YOU!"

"WTF?! How'd you get here so fast?! Uh, I mean...! Barge into my radio booth, will you?!"

"You are hereby banned from making any more radio shows, due to the fact that you're obviously trying to upstage me!"

"Dude, you're a hand. I upstage you just 'cause I've got two of 'em!"

_"All right, that does it!"_

Screaming and breaking glass could be heard in the background as Master Hand and Porky obviously got into a battle of epic proportions.

Fluffykins cleared his throat. "Yes, I see that the moment has indeed turned awkward. Wouldn't you agree, _Mano Loca_?"

_"Ooh, look! A PUPPY! Lolzors!"_ laughed Crazy Hand. _"C'mere, I'm gonna pet 'chu!"_

"...Uh..._"_

"Ah, I see you are a formidable foe," finally said Master Hand, panting. "Truly annoying and hard indeed..."

"Ha! See?! I told you I'd spank you if you messed with me! And was I lying?!"

"There's only one way I can truly defeat you and make sure you're never seen around here ever again!"

"Ha! There _is_ no way to defeat me! _I'm the king_!"

The hand threw him a calculator. "If you think you're so smart, then why don't you divide by zero?!"

"Ha! Easiest thing I've all day! You're such a big, freaking wuss, you can't even do it yourself!" He typed it up, then gasped as he realized he'd made a horrible, horrible mistake. _**"OH SHI-"**_

_**BOOM!**_ The Pig Statue exploded, very violently, I might add.

Lucas looked around. "..."

Ness finally found a Ray Gun, but the explosion outside made him look up. "...?"

As this happened, everything in Smash Mansion magically turned back to normal. Smashers snapped out of their trance, all the pork turned back into normal food, and Popo lost every single one of the brain cells he gained during the fiasco.

"Hooray! I don't know the answer to anything anymore!" he shouted, hugging Nana.

Kirby raised an eyebrow. "Have you ever really thought about that being a bad thing?"

Nana pushed him away. "Thinking is illegal in his world."

("Thinking should be illegal everywhere,") mocked Pikachu.

Toon Link made a face. "...What crawled up your butt and died? Are you just trying to get on everybody's nerves today?"

("...Maybe.")

Master Hand and Crazy Hand hovered through the area and were just about to return to... wherever they came from when the right hand pointed at Ness and Lucas.

"YOU TWO!"

_"I DIDN'T DO IT!"_ bawled Lucas.

"..." Ness rolled his eyes.

"Whatever you two did to set that guy off, DON'T DO IT AGAIN! That attack could've blown us all to bits! UNDERSTOOD?!"

"Uh, okay?"

"..." Ness scoffed, but still refused to say anything.

As the hands left, Lucas looked to Ness. "Uh, sorry if this is a dumb question, but... What happens if you divide by zero?"

Scowling, he tossed him a calculator. "Here. Why don't you see for yourself?"

"Oh, okay!"

Ness suddenly realized he hadn't caught his sarcasm and gasped. _**"OH SHI-"**_

* * *

**_Authoress' Notes_****_:_**_ Can't say much else except this is what the radio pretty much is to me now._


	14. A Match Made in Hell: Part 1

**_Authoress' Notes:_**_ Grr, I didn't mean for this be so long, but I tend to go overboard when the plot is this ridiculously funny and suggestive. This was originally supposed to be a two-parter, but I made it three because it's a magic number. HOORAY!_

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 14: _**_A Match Made in Hell (Part 1)_

* * *

_**Day 1: The Madness Begins**_

After the defeat of Porky's evil radio station earlier that day, and after somehow overcoming the perils and horrors that were the aftermath of Lucas naively dividing by zero, all the Smashers decided to celebrate their achievement by... stuffing their faces at lunch. How appropriate.

Popo was about to start the dumbest conversation ever at the table when he noticed something quite odd... And no, it wasn't that.

"Haha! Woah, lookit that!"

"What?" asked Kirby.

He pointed. "Over there! Those Primids are having coffee! Haha! That's crazy, man! Everyone knows that stuff's got nothing on frozen yogurt!"

Nana turned to see the lackeys chatting over their steaming cups. "Huh, imagine that. How odd and out of place."

"More like lazy," said Toon Link. "Whoever's in charge of keeping those guys out of the house is doing a terrible job."

Pikachu nodded. ("I'll say. First, the Towtow, then the Floows, now this? What's next, a stinkin' Shellpod?")

No sooner had he said that, a Shellpod tromped up and thrust its horn into the table, knocking all drinks and food on it to the floor.

"HONK!" it, uh, honked before leaving.

The psychic scowled. "Nice going on the jinx there, noob..."

("Screw you.")

"Ooh! Guys! Guys!" came Lucas' voice as he ran over. "Look! I just got something important that I need to show you!"

Being the klutz he was, he failed to see all the ruined food on the floor and slipped on the remnants on some sushi, stumbling, sliding, and slipping the rest of the way until he collided with Ness, somehow ending up straddling his back.

"Heh heh, uh, oops?"

"...You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

"...Not at first, but..."

_"Get off'a me!"_ He knocked him away. "I don't have to take crap like this anymore! You know that, right?"

"Uh, why?"

"'Cause of _this_!" He thrust a paper in his face.

Lucas smiled stupidly. "Oh, that's very nice. Your handwriting is simply atrocious."

"No, you idiot! This is a restraining order. Decided to look in to getting one, and guess what?! THEY HAD 'EM!"

"Aw, how sweet. That must mean you really like me!"

Ness narrowed his eyes. "Y'know, once I get Master Hand to sign this, you'll have to remain at least 30 feet away from me at all times..."

He gasped. "Oh, yeah! That reminds me!" He pulled out his own slip of paper. "You won't be able to, 'cause of _this_!"

"What the...?"

"Lemme see that," Nana took the paper and read it, "'Join us in our party over our defeat of the mighty, but not-as-mighty-as-Master-Hand Tabuu in our special, one week celebration of our triumph over the Subspace Emissary! Join your friends and compete for the coveted Tabuu trophy, awarded to the team who scores the most Teamwork Points by spending every waking (and sleeping, heh heh) moment together!'"

Pikachu leaned over and continued reading. ("'All Subspace enemies will be released to provide sparring matches and casual conversations. There will be no restrictions on fighting, and all are encouraged to do it as much and as often as they can, no matter where it is, who it's against, or why it started."')

Toon Link did the same. "'All Smashers will be required to participate. Trophy Stands are also to be provided for use however you see fit, but be warned: throwing them at other Smashers is a big no-no and is punishable by serious deduction of Teamwork Points. Have fun and Happy Smashing!'"

Nana smiled. "Oh, yeah. SSE Week! That starts today, doesn't it? I forgot about that."

"I never heard of... SEE Week," said Ness, rubbing his head. "When did this happen?"

"Master Hand made a week-long celebration of Tabuu's defeat where we have to pair up with other Smashers and earn Teamwork Points for four categories. One, the number of brawls we have..."

("Two, how many trophies we get,") continued Pikachu.

"Three, the number of SSE enemies we defeat. We get bonus points if we turn them into trophies," said Lucas.

"And four, how well you get along with your partner," finished Toon Link. "Isn't that exciting? It's awesome all around!"

"How come I didn't know about this?"

Pikachu rolled his eyes. ("Everyone knew. Haven't you been keeping up with the updates?")

"So... what's that got to do with the restraining order not working?"

Lucas beamed. "We're gonna be partners, and we're gonna spend every waking and sleeping moment together for the next seven days!"

"...You're joking, right?"

"Does the paper say I'm joking?"

"But! But...! That's not...! IT CAN'T BE! I've had enough of you as it is! _**NUUUUUUUUUUU!"**_ He darted away from the table in horror.

"You can run, but you can't hide what's inside!" called Lucas, getting several looks of "WTF?" from everyone else.

At that moment, Master Hand began floating around the lunchroom, Crazy Hand having a seizure and throwing assignment papers everywhere. "All right, Smashers! It's time to start SSE Week off right! Here's how everyone's going to be paired up! Now, I don't want any complaining just because you didn't get a certain Smasher, okay? It's your own fault, as the pairings are based upon how long you spent the duration of SSE with someone else! And if you didn't spend much time with anyone, you were paired depending on your certain circumstances. Have fun, and I'll be around to answer any questions or break the ice!"

"AND FOR TOASTER STRUDEL'S SAKE, DUN'T THROW ANY TROFEE STANDS AT EACH UDDER!" added Crazy Hand, freaking out as usual.

"Master Hand!" Ness ran over to him as he approached. "Look! Look! I got a restraining order! Uh, ya might wanna put this into effect before you hand those out...!"

He took the order and looked over it. "I'm sorry Ness, but I'll have to consider this null and void."

"Why?!"

"Well, I don't know where you come from, but around here, you can't write one of these against someone who, 'watches you in your sleep', 'is constantly in your space', and 'creeps you the expletive deleted out'..."

"But..."

"Unless Lucas has tried to kill you, is your mortal enemy, or has a vendetta against you for using the last roll of toilet paper before him, there's nothing I can do about his chronic obsession over you. If anything, you ought to be flattered."

"_But...!"_

"Besides, it needs to be more serious. Like... Mario has one against Bowser, Link has one against Ganondorf, and Popo..." He sweatdropped. "Has one against processed cheese."

Hearing this, the male Ice Climber looked around in horror. "It's out to get me, I SWEAR!"

"So, stop your sniveling and get with the program already!" He placed an assignment paper on his head. "Happy Smashing!"

He slapped his forehead. _"...Well, ain't this a load of--!"_

"Hey, an assignment paper!" Lucas took it, pulling Ness back over. "Yay! Let's see who everyone else got!"

And the paper said this... Okay, well, it didn't actually_ say_ anything, as it was a simple piece of paper with some words on it, but this is what it _read_:

**_The following Smashers will be paired with the following Smashers:_**

**_Team Heroes:_**_ Mario/Kirby/Pit_

**_Team Princess:_**_ Peach/Zelda_

**_Team Space Shock:_**_ Pikachu/Samus_

**_Team Swordplay:_**_ Marth/Ike/Meta Knight_

**_Team Slacker:_**_ Toon Link/Wolf/Jigglypuff_

**_Team Psycho Green Penguin:_**_ Ness/Luigi/King Dedede_

**_Team Awesome:_**_ Lucas/Pokémon Trainer_

**_Team Slush Puppies:_**_ Ice Climbers/Lucario_

**_Team Mr. Roboto:_**_ Mr. Game & Watch/R.O.B._

**_Team Captain:_**_ C. Falcon/Olimar_

**_Team Emerald:_**_ Link/Yoshi_

**_Team Furry:_**_ Fox/Diddy_

**_Team Fuzzy:_**_ Donkey Kong/Falco_

**_Team Mwahaha:_**_ Bowser/Wario/Ganondorf_

**_Team Miscellaneous:_**_ Snake/Sonic_

Kirby smiled at his assignment paper. "Yay! I got Mario, just like I knew I would! And Pit's such a cool guy! Oh, we're gonna have so much fun together! And Team Heroes is an awesome name! Couldn't have picked a better one myself! See ya!" With that, he danced off.

Pikachu smirked at his. ("Oh, yeah! Team Space Shock, FTW! And Samus is my partner for the week! I knew it! Hah! All the other guys are gonna wanna kill me even more after this! Man, I am truly that awesome!")

Just as he thought, every single guy in the room glared at him, readying swords, guns, and other horrible weapons of torture. Of course, this excluded the pretty boys... Even Ness and Toon Link had to shoot him some glares. Popo was too dumb to know he was missing out, Kirby didn't really care, and Lucas... well, yeah... That's pretty much all that needs to be said.

Nana snorted. "Y'know, she'll probably be wearing her suit the entire time..."

("Nope. I had a feeling we'd be paired together, so I took her Power Suit and hid it throughout the entire mansion.") His smile grew wider as he swaggered off. ("It'll take her weeks to find every piece!")

She rolled her eyes. "Hmph. Boys..."

Lucario approached, assignment paper in hand. "Ah, yes. The Ice Climbers. Nice to meet you, I suppose. We're going to be Team Slush Puppies together, so--"

"OMG, we got a doggie!" Popo interrupted, glomping him. "And he's _blue_! That's my fav color, too! Oh, Nana, how did you know?!"

She pulled him down and back into his seat. "I didn't, and he's not a doggie! He'll be our partner for SSE Week, since he was trespassing on that glacier we were on."

Lucario sneered. "I wasn't trespassing! Master Hand said we could go wherever we wanted to and whenever we wanted to! It was free game!"

"What were you doing up there anyway?"

"Meditating, reflecting, and trying to figure out why clowns are so scary."

"Really? Y'know, I've been trying to figure that out myself for some time now..."

The Pokémon smiled. "Then, shall we work on it together?"

She returned the smile as she walked off with him. "Sure! Hey, I'll see you guys later!" She grabbed Popo and turned back to Lucario. "Oh, we are so gonna win that trophy!"

Being dragged away, Popo crossed his arms and pouted. "Fine, but I still wanna take him for walks!"

Toon Link groaned at his paper. "Jigglypuff and Wolf?! WTF?! I've got nothing in common with them! And who chose our team name?! It stinks!"

"Face it, you guys didn't do squat during SSE," said Ness. "The name fits."

"We didn't get the memo! No one told us you guys were gonna change the date like that! I wasn't even ready yet! Ugh, I don't want this..." He looked to him. "Wanna trade?"

"_There will be no tradin', boi!"_ barked Crazy Hand, slapping him. _"Git whutchu git and luv it!"_

"Fine, sheesh..."

("Like, hello there, Toon Link,") giggled Jigglypuff as she came over. ("Boy, you are so gonna get a makeover! You're way behind in fashion! I mean, tunics? Those went out ages ago...")

Behind him, Wolf dug his claws into his shoulder. "Hey, kid. Wanna join the Dark Side? We have cookies..."

"Uh..."

"Trust me, ya got potential. When I'm through with you, you'll be the best bad guy ever."

("No!") protested Jigglypuff, pulling him away. ("He'll be the envy of all his friends with fashionable clothes and trends! Hey, that rhymed! Lucky!")

"Hey, Jiggly." He smirked. "Wanna join the Dark Side? We have cookies..."

("Hmph! Not on your life!")

"...And designer purses for the ladies..."

She smirked, dragging Toon Link away as Wolf walked off. ("I'm listening...")

"Oh, boy. This is gonna be a _loooooong _week," groaned the most reluctant member.

Lucas waved. "All right! You guys have fun! I know we will!"

Ness scowled. "...Must you say it so loudly...?"

"Well, it's true!"

"Whatever..." He groaned and turned to his paper, squinting. "...Uh, hey, Lucas. According to this... You're not my partner..."

"What?" He looked it over and smiled. "Oh, no. That's just a typo. Overgrown hands make their fair share of mistakes, I'm sure."

"Uh, no... It's not. Really... I don't think we're supposed to be together."

Lucas laughed, taking the paper. "Fine, since it's bugging you that much, I'll get him to change it." He went over and showed it to Master Hand. "Um, 'cuse me? Yeah, I think you got this wrong here. It's supposed to be me and Ness, see? It's all wrong. Please change it, kthx."

Master Hand squinted, despite lacking eyes. "Uh, no. That's right. You're paired with Red."

"...Come again?"

"Yes, it seems you traveled with the Pokémon Trainer, Red, for the longest, so that would make you his partner."

"No, that's wrong."

"No, that's right."

"But, it's... it's wrong..."

Master Hand poked him into the ground. _"Listen here, you little crybaby! I'm the master here, not you! And if I say it's right, then it's right! Do you hear me?!"_

"_B-b-but!"_ He began to tear up. "It's not right...!"

"Sorry, but according to our SSE records, you were with Red the most, so you'll be spending the entire week with him."

"Really?!" Ness was grinning ear-to-ear. "Suh-weet."

"**_NO!"_** Lucas latched onto his thumb. _"T-this is cruel and unusual punishment! Y-you can't...! I mean, we're representing the same thing here!"_

"That doesn't matter!" He grabbed him in a tight grip. "You're going to be with Red for the next seven days, so get over it!"

Lucas' lip trembled, making Master Hand sweatdrop. _"But... It was gonna be the best week ever, and you just ruined it..."_

"Oh no... Don't cry... _Please _don't--!"

"**_W-W-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" _**

"Aw, Lucas!" He pleaded, everyone else covering their ears. "Stop that this instant! Stiff upper lip! It's not that big of a deal!"

**_"NOT UNTIL YOU PAIR ME WITH NESS!_** **_WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"_**

Master Hand zoomed over to another table and planted him in the seat. He then squished Lucas' mouth with his thumb and pointer finger. "SHUT UP! Now, stop making a fuss and be a man for once!"

"**_I don't wanna! _**

He poked him hard in the chest. **_"WELL, YOU'RE GONNA!"_** With that, he floated off.

"Well, uh..." Red meekly waved, sweatdropping at his earlier outburst. "Hi... again."

Lucas pouted. "..."

Charizard snorted. ("Wuss.")

"Shut up, Char," growled Red. "I'm trying to win him over..."

Ivysaur chuckled. ("Good luck.")

Lucas continued pouting. "..."

"Oh, so you're just gonna act like that all week?" He poked him and smiled. "C'mon, where's the sunshine and rainbows Lucas I usually see? Don't be such a spoilsport."

The Flame Pokémon made a face. ("...Sunshine and rainbows?")

Red scowled at him. "..."

("All right, all right. Don't get a 'tude. I'll clam up.")

"...You called me a midget the other day!" whined the blond. "...That was mean... Besides, I should be with Ness. I don't wanna talk to you right now..."

He laughed. "Ah, I was just playing. If it makes you feel any better, I was making fun of Ness more than you."

"Oh... So, you're sorry?"

"Well, even though I didn't mean it, I guess so, yeah."

He made a half-happy, half-pouty kind of face. "Okay..."

Seeing as the moment had indeed turned awkward, Red picked up Squirtle. "...Uh, ooh! I know first-hand how much you love hugs, so why don't we start things off on a good foot like we did in SSE, huh? Give 'em a squeeze!"

("Oh no...") Squirtle sweatdropped. ("Why do I have to be the cutest one...?")

"Yay! Cute!" Lucas happily glomped him. "Aw, just I love hugs..." He laughed. "Ness never did, though."

"Really? You're telling me the guy doesn't even like hugs? From you? I thought you two were pretty good friends..."

"Oh, we are, he just hasn't got in touch with his softer side yet. He's always saying things like, 'Touch me again and your hand comes off!' or 'I'll knock the snot outta ya if you do that again!' ...He's a bit touchy."

("Touchy? More like a serial killer in the making!") said Ivysaur. ("I mean, honestly! Who says that kind of stuff to their friends?!")

"Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore!" Red hit his chest. "Us Pokémon Trainers are tried-and-true, and we only do that kinda stuff to bad guys!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He put a hand on his shoulder. "Lucas, for the next seven days, I'm gonna show you how a friend should really act!"

"Oh, yeah. Ha ha, very funny," he mocked. "Was that supposed to be a joke, too?"

Red smirked. "Nope! I'm a man... er, boy of my word!"

"...Prove it."

"Hmm, lemme see... Uh, does Ness yell at you a lot?"

He snickered. "Yeah."

"Well, I never yelled at you once during SSE, did I?"

"No..."

"And I was there for you after he got turned a trophy, right?"

"Yeah…"

"And we were the coolest team ever, weren't we?"

"Well, I only really went with you 'cause I wanted Ness back, but…"

"Ah, details, details… So trivial. Aside from that, didn't you think I was a suitable replacement?"

He shuffled about. "Well, yeah, maybe... Kinda, sorta..."

"Besides, you're way too awesome to hang around with someone like Ness, who always thinks he's better than you. Face it; Ness is actually jealous of you!"

"Really? That would explain a lot..."

"You've got the face of a hero, the name of a champion, and the hair of a master; why wouldn't he envy you? You surpass even me by leaps and bounds! You're ten times cooler than I'll ever be, and you're not even a Pokémon Trainer! You're super, stupendous, a legend, the greatest, the coolest, the best! There's no one in this tournament better than you, and if there was, they must've pulled some strings, or something, 'cause you, my friend, are just too rad!"

"Wow..." He blushed, a dopey smiled spreading across his face. "No one's ever said anything like that about me before..."

"That's 'cause, in the field of battle, all Pokémon Trainers are the same on the inside! And if I'm a winner, then you are, too!"

"But I'm not a Trainer..."

"Then for the next week, I'll make you an honorary one." He put a generic Pokémon Trainer hat on his head. "Perks all around, man!"

"Woah... This makes my hair look ever more awesome..." He turned it all the way around. "Ness doesn't even wear his like this!"

"Great! So, tell me..." Red smirked. "Is there anything you always wanted to do that Ness wouldn't let you? Winner?"

He smiled and grabbed his arm lovingly. "You have no idea…"

* * *

_And with that, the gauntlet was thrown! 15 teams of 35 Smashers (Okay, 40. Nana, Sheik, and the Pokémon are important, too) only have 7 days to get the big prize! Who would it be? Who would win? Who would lose? What chaos would ensue? As everyone finished eating and charged outside, the answers were slowly revealed!_

* * *

**_With Team Heroes…_**

Mario looked at his teammates. "Hey, guys! Nice to see you again! Ready for some action?"

Pit nodded. "Oh, yeah! Let's make every fight count!"

Kirby danced about. "Ooh, there's no way we'll lose that trophy now! We're invincible! We've got spirit!"

"So… what should we do first?" asked Mario. "We've got spirit, but what do we use it on?"

The Star Warrior happily thrust a nub into the air. "I know! Let's go save the world!"

"From what?"

Just then, Galleom flew by and destroyed a nearby forest, decimating it with his explosive power and ugliness.

"From THAT GUY!" Kirby jumped on his Warp Star and headed towards him.

"Wait for me!" Pit flew after him.

Mario somehow became Caped Mario and flew after them. "Me too! I'm the star!"

* * *

**_With Team Princess…_**

Also out in the front yard, Peach and Zelda were having a picnic with, you guessed it, tea.

The peachy princess offered another cup. "More tea, Zelda? You really should have some more. It's delicious, you know."

"Ah, don't mind if I do."

Peach handed it to her. "Here you go!"

"Thank you…" She took a sip and smiled. "Uh, Peach… I know this may sound strange, but I have to ask… Where exactly do you get your tea from?"

She giggled. "Well, I would tell you… but then I'd have to kill you."

She sweatdropped. "Oh, dear…" As an idea struck, she turned into Sheik. "Then, can you tell me?"

"Sorry, same rules apply."

"Dammit…"

* * *

**_With Team_** **_Space Shock…_**

Samus walked around the lawn, occasionally shooting the crud out of interfering SSE enemies. "Now, where did it go? I could've sworn it was--No… not there."

Pikachu smirked. ("Looking for something, partner in crime?")

She groaned. "My Power Suit! It's gone missing… _again_!"

("Ooh, that's too bad…")

"It's a mystery… Have you seen it?"

("Nope, sorry.")

"Wow, so no one's seen it all day? Haven't had it since that whole Final Smash fest against that Porky Statue, or whatever it was…"

He smiled. ("Oh, don't worry. I'm sure It'll show up sooner or later.")

"Yeah, but still... I feel so naked without it."

Pikachu was about to make a nasty comment on that, but quickly decided against it. ("Like I said, don't worry. I've got you covered. You don't need that old piece of junk when you've got cute, lovable, cuddly, fluffy, warm me around… Right?")

She smiled. "You're right. Guess I should try and go without this week. It'll be taking a step in another direction!"

("Good.") He held out his arms, making the cutest face he could. ("Now, how about a hug? Everybody loves hugs, especially me. C'mon, it'll make you feel better. I love hugs, don't you? Gimme one now, please?")

"Sure, anything for my teammate." She hugged him. "You and me, Pikachu, we'll be the one to come out on top in the end, right?"

("...")

"I said, right?"

("...")

"Pikachu?"

(_"I was just looking! I didn't touch--!_ Huh? Oh, yeah. Uh, right. Win big or go home, blah, blah, blah...")

* * *

**_With Team Swordplay..._**

Marth sighed. "Hey, Ike."

Sitting in the bushes, Ike cleaned Ragnell, ignoring him. "..."

"Ike?"

"..."

_"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIke?"_

_"What?!"_

"Ike, if you fight for your friends, then how come you never fight for me?"

"You're not my friend."

"What? Why? We're on the same team and represent the same series!"

"Your prettiness gives me a bad name. I'm a man."

"Me, too!" He smiled at himself in a handheld mirror. "A very _pretty _man."

"...A man's man..."

"Yes, that's--" He frowned. "Hey! You know what? You're nothing more than an uncouth slob and a petty fighter!" He sighed. "...I miss Roy."

"...In more ways than one."

"What?! What was that, you vulgar ruffian? You dare mock the name of our boy, Roy?!"

"Nope. You do a pretty good job doing that yourself."

"Why, you--! I'll have you know that I think you're a snobbish, arrogant, awful man, a sore winner, and your incessant flaunting annoys me to end! Why don't you learn some manners, you... you... You barbarian?!"

Ike rolled his eyes. "Oh, that's gonna leave a mark."

"...And your hair is hideous!"

_**"...!"**_ That insult hit the mark. Ike dropped the cloth he was using to clean Ragnell and angrily grabbed Marth, holding the sword to his neck. _**"...No pretty boy's gonna insult my do and get away with it! I don't care if we're on the same team, you're going down!"**_

"Then, have at you!" Marth struggled to get out of his grasp, but soon stopped, out of strength. "Uh, could you release your grip on me, good sir?"

"Sure thing, Marth. Because I fight for my friends..." Ike smiled evilly and slammed him into the ground with Ragnell. "AND MY HAIR! Didn't know that, didja?! Huh? _HUH?! **DIDN'T THINK SO!"**_

Sparring against some Sword Primids, Meta Knight shrugged. "Blithering fools."

* * *

**_With Team Slackers..._**

Toon Link groaned, dark, malicious Wolf to his left and dainty, pink Jigglypuff to his right. This would not end well...

"We don't have very many evil ladies on the Dark Side, but I'm sure we can find a suitable purse for you," said Wolf.

("Do you have anything in seashell pink?")

He went through a catalogue. "Sorry, fresh out. How about opal to match your eyes? I think that'd work out better."

("OMG, I'm there!") She signed the evil form. ("I've always felt a little on the malevolent side anyway... I'll see if I can get Pikachu in on this, too. Just between you and me, I think he's in the same boat.")

Wolf looked to Toon Link. "Hey, kid. Why don'tcha come here so I can pencil you in for a place in the Dark Side? We have cookies..."

"Uh, no thanks. I'm good... Literally."

"You sure?" He approached. "Trust me, you'll love it... And the cookies are to die for..."

He backed away. "Uh, n-no, I'm good! I'm good! I'm a good boy!"

"Not when I'm done with you! HA!" He reached behind his back and pulled out... uh, something. Whatever it was, he used it to make quick work of Toon Link.

_**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**_

"There. All done."

"Huh?"

Wolf pulled out a mirror, reflecting an ominous-looking Toon Link with red eyes. "So? Is this wicked, or what? A little wardrobe change was all you needed."

"Woah... I sure do look... menacing."

"Yes, embrace it, feel it, love it. You are evil and vile, through and through."

"Yeah! I am aren't I?! **_MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_** Yeah, I'm feeling it now! Wow, I think this might actually work! No one wonder Ganondorf laughs so much! Being evil's actually... fun!" He pulled out his sword. "Let's go terrorize somebody, my fellow baddies!"

"Ah, but first..." Wolf pulled out a basket of evil cookies. "Welcome to the Dark Side. Eat your fill."

* * *

**_With Team Slush Puppies..._**

"...And _that's_ why you should never eat Octoroks!" finished Nana, pointing to a drawing of one on a chalkboard, amid hundreds of formulas, data, and other mathematical equations. Where she got any of that stuff, chalkboard included, I'll never know.

Lucario rubbed his chin. ("Simply astounding! I never would've thought that to be the answer. You are a very smart little girl.")

She giggled. "And may I say the same about you. You're not only smart, but accepting of others' ides, as well. You're an awesome Pokémon!"

"Can we feed you doggie treats now?!" asked Popo. "This is so boring! I wanna play with the doggie now!"

("I'd rather not--") He didn't get a chance to finish before Popo jammed a dog treat in his mouth. ...Where are they getting all this stuff from?!

"Good boy! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?! You are! Yeah, you are! Yeah, you are!"

"Popo, stop it!" Nana knocked him over. "I'm sorry, Lucario. He's not quite right in the head, heh heh..."

Lucario licked his lips. ("Actually... Those, er, treats of his... They're pretty good... Could I have some more?")

"...You mean you actually_ like_ them?!"

("They're delicious!") He grabbed the box, wagging his tail. ("Mmm, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship...")

Popo danced around. "Hooray! Good boy! We're totally going for a walk after this, okay?!"

Nana shrugged. "...At least he's tolerant..."

* * *

**_With Team Mr. Roboto…_**

"HELLO, SMASHER #025: MR. GAME AND WATCH," greeted R.O.B. "I HOPE TO WIN THE TABUU TROPHY, AS MANY OF MY FRIENDS PERISHED SERVING HIM. WILL YOU HELP ME DO SUCH A TASK?"

Mr. Game and Watch rang his bell.

"CORRECT. YOU SHALL ALSO SHARE IN THE GLORY. AND I AM ALSO GLAD I WAS NOT PAIRED WITH A SOFT, FLESHY HUMAN, OR LOVABLE, ADORABLE ANIMAL THING."

Mr. Game and Watch rang his bell.

"YES, WE SHALL DOMINATE THE OTHERS IN A BLAZE OF GLORY." He donned his Ancient Minister garb. "LET THE DEFEAT BY THE HANDS OF TEAM MR. ROBOTO BEGIN NOW. HA HAHA HA HAHA HA HAHA. LAUGH WITH ME, LAUGH WITH ME."

Mr. Game and Watch rang his bell, then jumped up and down, flipping their enemies the bird.

* * *

**_With Team Captain…_**

"Oh, Jellybeans… I just hope that Captain Falcon character learned to cool his jets…" sighed Olimar, stroking the flower on his red Pikmin's head. "I really want all of you to make it to the last day with me…"

("Master Hand gave him a good talking to after you filed that report for animal abuse, I'm sure. Maybe he's turned over a new leaf…") He laughed. ("Get it?")

"…Oh! Yes, leaf! As in flowers and flora! Yes, that's very funny! That delights me ever so much! Hahahaha!"

The two continued laughing as the familiar whizzing of a car zoomed by. Before Olimar had a chance to get out of his laughing fit, it promptly targeted the Pikmin out in the field and mowed them all down.

"Hahahaha--**_AAAAAAAH!_**_ Sunny! Laddie! Doodle! Jerry! Juan! Carrie! Wilson! Maria! Sunshine! Happy! Fruity! Ruby! Sapphire! Dippy! Petals! Daisy! Nooooo!"_

("THE HORROR!") squealed Jellybeans, shielding his eyes.

Olimar trembled as the car came to a screeching halt beside him, Captain Falcon jumping out. "_What do you think you're doing?!_ L-look what you've done! Y-y-you're killing all my Pikmin! T-they're so delicate and sweet, and you're just... k-killing them!"

"Don't worry! They can just respawn! They're flowers, ain't they?!" He faced some surviving Pikmin. "Now how's about some target practice?!"

_"Wait, don't do it! That's what the SSE enemies are for!"_

**_"FALCON PAWWWWNSH!"_** And with that attack, nearly 5,386 more Pikmin fell prey to a fiery demise.

_"NO! You murderer!"_ Olimar grabbed a few of the remaining ones. _"You're crazy! Crazy, I tell you, CRAZY!"_

Captain Falcon only responded with four words that made every Pikmin nearby shudder in fear of the seven horrible days to follow: **_"SHOW ME YOUR MOVES!"_**

* * *

**_With Team Furry…_**

Fox aimed his gun at a Floow. "All right, you bastard son of Giygas, freeze or I'll shoot!"

**_"OoOoOoOOoOoOOOOoOOoO!"_** it responded.

"Have it your way!" He shot like crazy._ "BACK TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG, DIRTY WHORE!"_

Just then, Diddy came out of nowhere. ("Hey, cool! A Floow! You guys sparring?")

"What do you think?!" spat the vulpine, grabbing a randomly-appearing Bob-omb and throwing it, missing by a mile. "Don't just stand there; help me!"

("Ooh! Ooh! I know how to stop it!") He pulled out a banana peel and tossed it at the floating bastard, only for it to miss and hit Fox, who stepped backwards and slipped on it.

_"You idiot!"_ he managed to shout, falling backwards.

**_"OoOoOoOOoOoOoOoOoOo!"_**moaned the Floow, as about 15 more of them came the crap out of nowhere and put a smackdown on Fox.

Diddy sweatdropped. ("Uh, don't worry, Fox! It's all under control! I'll just go get a… Trophy Stand and… be right back!")

He scampered off, not once thinking of coming back. Those things were downright creepy.

* * *

**_With Team Fuzzy..._**

Falco sweatdropped at the huge, hulking ape before him, unsure of how to start things off. The ape stared at him for several minutes before finally cracking a smile.

Donkey Kong pulled out a banana. ("See this?")

"Yes, that's a banana."

("Me like banana.")

"I know."

("You friend. Partner for SSE Week. You like banana, too.")

He waved his hands in disagreement. "No, thanks. I'm good."

("No, you not good. Banana good. You take banana, then you good.")

"Look, I don't want it, okay? Besides, we should really get started on collecting—"

("DK do squat until you take banana.")

He groaned. "Aw, come _on_…"

("You take banana now. Or DK get violent.")

Falco sweatdropped. "Can we at least make a dessert out of it…?"

DK suddenly dashed over, possibly ready to crush him, when he stopped and started pounding on his chest. ("You friend! You friend! You bestest best good friend! Come! Have banana split now, then crush puny Primids!")

"…Sure, whatever, monkeyman…"

* * *

**_With Team Mwahaha…_**

"Mmm, so now that we're together again, what exactly should we do to live up to our team name?" pondered Ganondorf. "We need to redeem ourselves."

"Ooh! Be evil!" shouted Bowser.

"Laugh maniacally!" suggested Wario.

"Turn people into trophies!"

"Try to take over the world!"

"Use the last roll of toilet paper!"

Ganondorf and Wario frowned.

The Koopa King sweatdropped. "...Sorry, don't know what came over me..."

"I know!" laughed Wario. "Let's go pick on Team Awesome and give 'em atomic wedgies!"

Ganondorf sweatdropped. "That's kiddy stuff. And what is it with you and little boys anyway?"

"Yeah. You need to see someone about that."

"About what?! They're fun to pick on, all right? Especially that Lucas! Traumatic experiences FTW!"

Bowser frowned. "..."

Ganondorf ignored him. "Why not take Duon for a joyride and smash those goody two shoes once and for all? I think that's what we should do... Yeah, that guy's pretty evil. Lame, but evil."

* * *

**_With Team Miscellaneous…_**

Sonic frowned at his assignment paper. "Why are we called Team Miscellaneous? That doesn't make any sense!"

"I think it's because we're not 'part of the family', if you know what I mean," said the cardboard box beside him.

"Tch, figures… 'Oh, don't worry, Sonic! We're all friends here! We're trying to branch out more, so I'm sure you'll be accepted!' That's what Mario said! What a loser! I can't stand him…"

"Well, I respect Mario very much, and _I'm_ accepted here. Maybe that's the problem; you're just too full of yourself."

"Too full of myself?! It's 'cause of me we even got to fight Tabuu first place! How can you_ not_ boast about something like that?!"

"Boasting's not cool around here. You should know that better than anyone."

"Wha--?!"

"And you didn't hear it from me, but rumor has it that you're… extremely annoying. Maybe you outta work on your people skills this week. Being your partner, I'm inclined to help, but don't expect any miracles…"

"So says the hobo who lives in a freakin' box!" He kicked it. "I mean, how lame can you get with this garbage? You can't get much lower than this!"

Throwing off the box, Snake emerged and put a sleeper hold on him, promptly knocking him out. **_"NEVER… TOUCH… THE BOX."_**

* * *

_**With Team Emerald…**_

Link scratched his head. "Okay, let's get this straight… I'm the leader, and you're the steed, got it?"

Yoshi shook his head. ("Uh, no. I don't got it.")

"Look, it's as simple as that. I call you, you come, I ride you around and kill things while yelling at them, you go away. The end. Got it?"

("Well, that doesn't sound like much fun. Why don't we have a picnic? Those are fun!")

"No, no. We're in a competition, and you don't win competitions by having picnics, all right?"

("Okay, then you be the steed!")

"What?! Why?!"

("Why not? It'll be fun to mix things up! Think of how shocked everyone will be when I come up riding you!")

"…You don't know how wrong that just sounded…"

* * *

**_With Team Psycho Green Penguin..._**

Ness waved to his partners. "So... 'sup?"

"THE SKY!" screamed Luigi, ducking behind a tree. "…That's… uh, t-that's what's up."

"...Yeah."

Dedede polished his hammer. "Humph, a natural-born loser and some snot-nosed kid. Thought I'd get Kirby for sure…"

"But isn't he your enemy? Why would you want him?" asked the snot-nosed kid.

"Oh, so just 'cause I steal food from him on a regular basis, that automatically makes me evil?! I've helped the guy more than I've tried to kill him! Doesn't that count for something?!"

"…Well…"

He grumbled. "Humph, I can already tell this week's gonna be a total disaster…"

"**_Total disaster?!"_** Luigi jumped up and grabbed him. **_"Man, don't say that! Haven't you ever heard of superstition?!"_**

The psychic groaned at their stupidity. "Okay, we obviously have nothing in common, so why don't we--?"

"Start off by busting the heads of every enemy in sight?! Good idea!" Dedede grabbed a random Primid running by and smashed it. "BOOYAH!"

"Actually--"

"Noooooooooo!" howled Luigi. "W-we're supposed to be doing it with teamwork! We're never gonna get any trophies of the bad guys if you kill them before we even have a chance to catch 'em!"

"Shut up, Greenie!" Dedede smashed a wayward Feyesh. "Argh! Damn ogling fish! Take that!"

"Nooooooooooo! You're not doing it right! Stop!"

"Can we--"

"HA! Pwned!" laughed Dedede, splattering a frolicking Borboras all over the place.

"We're never gonna win that trophy now! Not like this! Never, never, never!"

At this point, Ness was starting to get annoyed. "You--!"

"HAHAHAHA! DIE!" The penguin flattened a Glunder rolling across the ground, getting a Trophy Stand from it. "Hey, a prize! Cool!"

Luigi sighed. "That's great! We can use that to--" He then freaked. "No, don't throw it!"

Too late. Dedede hurled the stand across the yard, hitting Ike, who was in hot pursuit of Marth for calling Ragnell a piece of junk, and turning him into a trophy.

"Hahaha!" Marth kicked it. "Who's got the last laugh now?!"

Ness sweatdropped again. Okay, so maybe his partners were total losers, but with a name like "Team Psycho Green Penguin", surely they'd be just as cool, right? Right? _...Right?!_

* * *

_**With Team Awesome...**_

"Uh! I don't think we should be doing this..." Lucas stuttered, as he and Red were currently flying around on Charizard. "This is dangerous, flying so high like this! Someone could get hurt!"

Red put his hands on his hips. "A Pokémon Trainer should always be prepared to leap into danger and do death defying, spontaneous, and often idiotic stunts at a moment's notice! And as Awesome Pokémon Trainers Red-Hot Red and Super Lucas, this is no exception!"

"Uh, o-okay... I-if you say so!"

He stood up. "Now, get ready to jump!"

"Jump?! You never said we were gonna do that!"

"Well, of course! If I did, I wouldn't have been able to get you up here! Now, get ready to jump!"

"N-no!" He clung to Charizard's neck. "You go if you want, but I'm staying right here! T-this is crazy!"

"No, this is _**AWWWESOME!"**_ He pried him from Charizard and threw him off, jumping soon afterwards. "WOO HOO!"

_**"OMG, what's wrong with you?! We're gonna die! We gonna die! OMG, we're gonna die! We are going to die!"**_ he bawled, scrambling in their freefall.

Red was completely relaxed. "Dude! It's all good! Just chillax!"

Lucas about to list about 500 very good reasons why falling from several hundred feet in the air with no form of safety was no time to "chillax" when Charizard zoomed by, catching them on his back. He then landed safely on the ground.

Red jumped off. "See? So, whaddya think?" Lucas blinked, twitched, and slowly turned to him with a look of horror on his face.

"...I'd like to say that was more traumatizing than anything, but it had its thrill..."

"Ha! Saying that just goes to show that you're the man! Now, let's keep it going and do something else _**AWWWESOME!"**_

"Like...?"

At that moment, Kirby, Mario, and Pit flew by, in hot pursuit of Galleom. Red pointed at them.

"Let's go join Team Heroes and save the world!"

"...Will it involve more death defying, spontaneous, and idiotic stunts of which I may never fully recover from physically or mentally?"

Red sweatdropped. "Uh, probably..."

_**"...AWWWESOME!"**_

"Then, Team Awesome, go!" Smiling, he held up a hand. "Red-Hot Red!"

"And Super Lucas!" He high-fived him.

"Team Awesome's on the move again! AWAY!" both shouted, Lucas jumping onto Red's back as he ran off. His Pokémon sweatdropped.

("I'm telling you guys, day by day, Red is slowly losing more of his mind...") muttered Charizard. ("I'm worried.")

Squritle shrugged. ("Oh, maybe it's just a natural human boy bond that, being Pokémon, we can't seem to understand.")

("...Or Red's just a perverted psychopath trying to home in on his next target, while Lucas is an unsuspecting greenhorn, desperate for attention from other boys with natural leadership, charisma, and a vague interest in him,") Ivysaur remarked.

Charizard and Squirtle stared at her.

("What? I can't make assumptions, too?")

* * *

**_Authoress' Notes_****_:_**_ Yes, Ivysaur's a girl in this story for some reason. It could happen._


	15. A Match Made in Hell: Part 2

**_Authoress' Notes_****_:_**_ Okay, I've decided I'm gonna continue this story until Chapter 30, but then, that's it! Kthxbai, enjoy._

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 15: _**_A Match Made in Hell (Part 2)_

* * *

**_Day 2: The Plot Thickens…_**

**_With Team Heroes..._**

"Yay! We did it!" cheered Kirby, holding up a trophy of Galleom. "We're the champions!"

"No, we're the heroes!" corrected Pit.

"And that's all that matters!" said Mario.

"So..." Pit shrugged. "Now what?"

The plumber scratched his head. "Uh, wanna save the world? I have a license in it."

"Ooh!" laughed Kirby. "I'm trying to get my hero credentials in that! It'll be a big bonus if I do it with you!"

"Oh, so you're still working on getting a full-blown world-saving license?"

"Yeah..." He sighed. "Dream Land's not the baddest place in the galaxy, unfortunately. Can't get much credit there..."

"Don't worry! I'm also certified to give out world-saving licenses! Save the world with me, and I'll just give you one!"

"Really?!" His eyes sparkled. "T-thank you! You're a... a real pal! I'm so glad we're best friends!"

"Whaddya about me?" asked Pit. "Can I get one, too? I only have a succession permit since I only saved the world once!"

"Sure! After today, you'll both get your own licenses! I promise!"

"YAY!" All three then proceeded to do the Kirby dance, complete with super happy music and perfect choreography.

* * *

**_With Team Princess..._**

"Hey, Zelda!" called Peach from the kitchen. "I'm done with the special cookies I promised! They'll go great with the tea I'm about to make! You just stay right there while I work my magic!"

But, to her dismay, the other princess didn't reply. Peach was about to wonder where she got to when a needle fell from the ceiling. Smiling, she picked it up.

"Nice try, Sheik, but you're going to have to do better than that."

She growled. "Look, all I wanna know is where you get your tea from! Please! It's bugging the crap outta me!"

"Sorry, but if I tell you, I'll have to kill you. That's just the way it is."

"Fine!" She dropped from the ceiling and darted off. "But I'll find out sooner or later, just you wait! _The truth will be revealed! SHURIKEN!"_

Peach giggled as she literally disappeared. "Tee hee. Silly head."

* * *

**_With Team Space Shock..._**

Samus reclined on a lawn chair outside, tallying their Teamwork Points. "Okay, so we've got 4 trophies so far, taken down 30 enemies, and have been together for a total of 28 hours. And that equals up to about 4,000 points. That's pretty good for Day 2. You think so, Pikachu?"

The mouse just stared. ("...")

"Pikachu?"

("...")

"...Pikachu."

("...Huh?")

She frowned. "Pikachu, are you feeling all right? You sure have been daydreaming a lot lately..."

("Oh, yeah. I'm just really enjoying the view--I mean, _being with you_!")

"O...kay...?"

* * *

**_With Team Swordplay..._**

Marth smiled at his reflection in a pond. "Wow, my hair's really working today. ...Or am I just too sexy for it not to be? Ha! I bet it's both! Oh, I'm just too good-looking for my own good... So much sexiness on one guy should be illegal."

"Marth?" called Ike.

"I feel pretty..."

"Marth!"

"Oh, so pretty..."

"Marth?!"

"I feel pretty and witty and--"

**_"MARTH!"_**

"What?!"

"A little help over here!" he growled, struggling fighting a horde of R.O.B. Blasters. "Last time I checked, 30 against one isn't a fair fight!"

He waved him off. "Sorry, I'm busy."

"What do you mean, 'busy'?! Get your girly ass over here and help me, dammit!"

"Uh huh, and just for that, I'm not even going to assist you now. Besides, I'm too pretty to fight at the moment."

"You--!" Before he could finish, the gang of R.O.B.s pounced, making quick work of him.

Watching the madness from afar was Meta Knight and several Sword Primids, having hot cocoa and chocolate donuts.

The knight sighed. "...They were much more competent in times of peril... As outlandish as it sounds, it's true."

"...And you've got _5 _more days with them?" One shook its head. "More power to you."

* * *

**_With Team Slacker..._**

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Toon Link laughed, finished vandalizing each of the statues of the main Smash Bros. representatives in the front yard. "Take that, Mario, Kirby, Link and Pikachu, you goody goods!"

Wolf sweatdropped. "Hey, kid. Uh, I know we're evil and all now, but really... tone it down a bit? Besides, that's baby stuff."

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Then, I'll just have to do something even more evil! YES!" He then did a flying leap off Mario's statute and landed in a nearby tree, somehow setting it on fire in the process. "MWHAHAHAHA! Burn, baby, burn!"

Jigglypuff sweatdropped. ("Uh, does the manic dementia of being evil hit all beginners this hard?")

The wolf shrugged. "It varies, really. He's been a goody two shoes all this time, so it's understandable."

* * *

**_With Team Awesome..._**

Opening his eyes, Lucas smiled and jumped out of bed, as did Red. "Good morning, bestest best buddy!"

He gave him a thumbs up. "Good morning, bestest best buddy!"

"What are we gonna do today, bestest best buddy?"

"Have fun!"

"Hooray!"

With that, they magically transformed into their clothes and jumped, hopped, and somersaulted out the door as if they were trained gymnasts. As they landed outside, a Gamyga popped up from the ground.

"UNCULTURED FOOLS. FEAR MY LASERS, FILLED WITH THE RAGE OF AN UNTALENTED FIVE-YEAR-OLD ARTIST. IN SHORT, _**IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZORS**_!" It then fired its lasers, of course.

"Not today!" Lucas backflipped towards it, knocking the crap out of it as if he was in a kung fu flick, gave it an uppercut, and slapped it senseless with his stick. Red then grabbed a Trophy Stand from somewhere and promptly turned it into a trophy, also doing crazy backflips, somersaults and roundhouse kicks, all completely unnecessary.

"Another trophy in the bag!" cheered Lucas.

Red checked it off their list. "That means we've got all the SSE enemies now! And exactly 460 trophies!"

"Hooray! Now what?"

"Breakfast!"

_**"AWWWSOME!"**_

"Then, Team Awesome, go!" Red held up a hand. "Red-Hot Red!"

"And Super Lucas!" He high-fived him.

"Team Awesome's on the move again! AWAY!" they both shouted, Lucas jumping on Red's shoulders, who ran off.

As they did so, Red's Pokémon groggily stepped out, awakened by all their nonsense.

Charizard twitched. ("It's... it's enough to make you wanna kill yourself.")

Ivysaur nodded. ("Seconded.")

("Thirded's not even a word, but I'm sure you catch my drift,") finished Squirtle.

* * *

**_With Team Slush Puppies..._**

"Yay, doggie ride! Yay!" laughed Popo, riding on Lucario's back. "Faster! Go faster! Yay!"

He made a face. "I'm not even walking..."

Nana groaned. "Popo, for the last time, get down from there. You would want... 'the accident' to happen again, would you?"

The Pokémon looked at her. "The... accident?"

"Oh, yeah. You weren't here last time, so you wouldn't know how Popo suddenly became... stupider."

"He used to be smarter? Before the accident? Why? What happened?"

"Well, after the last tournament, we were mountain climbing as usual when we ran into a polar bear..."

Popo laughed stupidly. "Yep! He tried to sell me a new brand of diet carbonated soda, but I said I wasn't thirsty, so he viciously and brutally attacked me, causing me to lose my footing and plummet 30,000 feet to the ground where I smashed my head in on a rock, receiving multiple potentially fatal injuries, concussions, and other serious cases of head trauma!"

Nana nodded. "He lost 75 percent of his brain, so that's why he's... yeah."

"Oh..." Lucario looked around awkwardly. "Uh, I'm sorry?"

"Nah, that's okay. I wasn't really all there to start with. Plus, after the accident, I can do this!" Popo plopped on the ground and started scooting around on his arse. "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Lucario sweatdropped. "...Once again, I'm sorry."

She did the same. "We appreciate your concern in the best way possible."

* * *

**_With Team Mr. Roboto..._**

"HA HAHA HA HAHA," laughed the Ancient Minister, as he activated a Subspace Bomb with a remote control, 'cause killing R.O.B.s is sad. "WE ARE SURE TO WIN WITH THIS TACTIC. THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT."

Mr. Game & Watch rang his bell.

"I'M SORRY? YOU'RE SAYING THAT SUBSPACE BOMBS ARE BAD?"

Mr. Game & Watch rang his bell.

"AND THEY'RE USED BY BAD GUYS?"

Mr. Game & Watch rang his bell.

"AND I WAS NEVER THE BAD GUY TO BEGIN WITH?"

Mr. Game & Watch rang his bell.

"...HOW AWKWARD. IT SEEMS WE'LL HAVE TO REGROUP ON HOW TO TAKE OUR PATH TO VICTORY."

Mr. Game & Watch rang his bell.

"OH, YES. THE COUNTDOWN IS STILL GOING, ISN'T IT? ERROR DETECTED--"

_**EXPLOSION SOUND!**_

* * *

**_With Team Captain..._**

Olimar shuddered. "O-okay, look... M-maybe if you didn't z-zoom around in that crazy killing machine you call a car, my Pikimin'd be able to--"

"Aw, you gotta be kidding me!" He revved the engine. "This baby's got enough firepower to even make _you _look cool! Am I right?!"

"N-no! That thing is a hazard to me, the Pikmin, and everybody else I the tournament! I mean, it's your Final Smash, for goodness sakes!"

He ignored him. "Hey, have I ever showed you the acceleration on this thing?! Watch this!"

_"H-hey, wait!"_

But his partner didn't care. Jumping into the racer, he propelled across the yard, mowing down several SSE enemies, leaving hundreds of Pikmin ghosts in his wake.

_"Noooo! Pencil! Brain! Pickles! Champagne! Kazaam! Cloudy! Snapdragon! Toaster! Spaghetti! Qwerty! Loopy! Nutty! Prissy! Sparkles! WHYYYYYY?!"_

Jellybeans whimpered, clutching onto Olimar. ("...Hold me...")

* * *

**_With Team Emerald..._**

"Haha! Take that, you slime!" Link shouted, slicing a Primid in half as he rode by on Yoshi's back.

Yoshi frowned. ("Okay, Link. This is getting really boring really fast. And I'm tired! Why don't _you_ be the steed for once?")

"Because animals don't ride people! It's just not right! Now, faster!"

("Well, I don't see why not! What's the big deal, anyway? If you can ride me, I should be able to ride you!")

"Listen, I'm the Hero of Time, for cryin' out loud. Why should have I to cater to you when you're just a... a... well, whatever you are, I'm more important! C'mon, faster!"

("'More important' this!") Yoshi picked up the pace, slamming him into a low-hanging tree branch and knocking him off. After doing a little dance, he hauled ass. ("So put that in your pipe and smoke it!")

Link sighed. "...Where's a man's dignity when he can't even control a stupid dinosaur? I ask you, low-hanging tree branch of ultimate embarrassment..."

* * *

**_With Team Furry..._**

Fox grumbled, patting the last of his ruffled fur from the Floow attack. "Thanks a lot for_ not_ saving me back there. I can't tell you how fun it was getting my ass handed to me for 15 hours straight."

His partner beamed. ("You're welcome!")

"...I was being sarcastic."

("...What?")

He groaned. "Nevermind. Because of you, we're way behind schedule, so I think we should--"

Fox was cut off as Duon came the crap out of nowhere and grabbed him. How it grabbed him with no hands is anyone's guess.

("Aah! Fox!")

_**"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!"**_ Duon, uh, roared.

"Well, don't just stand there! Help me!" demanded the captive.

("Right!")

Diddy was about to scamper over and shoot the monstrosity with his gun or something when Duon turned around, the pink side shooting out lasers that just missed him. The ground, on the other hand, now had several huge, smoking holes in it.

("On second thought...") He turned tail. ("Uh, I think a Trophy Stand might work! I'll be right back!")

Sighing, Fox leaned on his arm and pouted. "Yeah, you do that. I mean, it's not like this guy's gonna, oh say, trample me into the ground, or anything."

Duon then slammed him into the ground and trampled him.

* * *

**_With Team Fuzzy..._**

Falco tossed another banana peel on the ground. "Meh... Evil, yellow potassium filled fruit. How I loathe thee."

("Bananas for breakfast are good! Just like bananas for lunch, bananas for dinner, bananas for brunch, and bananas for midnight snack!") said DK, finishing his banana cereal.

Falco growled, throwing his banana cereal to the floor. "We've been eating this crap for the last 18 hours! Either that, or vine-swinging and blasting through stupid barrels! When're we gonna start working to get some points?!"

DK pounded his chest. ("Bananas not crap! Vine-swinging's fun! And barrel blasting gets the blood pumping! All is good! We eat more bananas now since you say that!")

"No! I--!"

DK jammed one in his mouth. ("Eat more! Bananas good! More! Bananas! Redeem yourself with more bananas!")

* * *

**_With Team Mwahaha..._**

Ganondorf laughed. "Okay, then that's what we'll do! Instead of working to get as many points as we can, we'll just steal everything from all the other teams! We're evil, and that's evil, so we should get twice as many points for doing that!"

"Cool! Hey, let's go get Team Heroes first! Those guys're just begging to get smacked down!" said Bowser.

"What about Team Awesome?!" growled Wario.

"Yeah, _what_ about them?" asked Ganondorf.

"Well, they're pretty good, so let's steal from them first!"

Bowser frowned. "No... No, I think Team Heroes is asking for it more."

"Yeah, and lay off Team Awesome." The King of Evil shuddered. "...They're not normal..."

"Plus, Mario's on Team Heroes! That guy's basically the epitome of goodness! We're going after them first, and that's final!"

"...Can we still swing by Team Awesome and give 'em a couple of good slaps across the fanny?"

**_"NO!"_** roared the other two.

* * *

**_With Team Miscellaneous..._**

A box scooted across the floor, Snake humming to himself in it. Not too long after, another box scrambled to follow, complaining and grumbling coming from it.

The second box groaned. "Why are we in these boxes again?"

"Because knowing your enemy is the quickest way to victory."

"What enemy? We're not fighting anyone!"

"Hey, who's the likeable third party guy around here? Huh?"

It sighed. "You."

"That's right, now stop complaining and follow me until we get to the bathroom. Once there, I'll teach how to relieve yourself with leaving the safety of your box. Cool, huh?"

"I don't get it. What is it with the boxes, anyway? Why do I gotta learn to 'love' it more than myself?"

"To love a cardboard box is to be a cardboard box. Best rule ever. Learn that, and maybe you'll be as likeable as me one day."

"More like dumbest rule ever!" Sonic emerged. "This is way too slow! Why can't we do something I wanna do for once?"

Snake also emerged, rolling his eyes. "Fine then. What? What could you possibly want to do that's a better usage of our time than this? Tell me, I'm just dying to know."

Caught off guard, the hedgehog thought for a moment. "...Wanna grab a chilli dog?"

* * *

**_With Team Psycho Green Penguin... _**

"And then, BAM! He ran right into my go-kart!" spat Luigi to his partners at their lunch table. "Shy Guys went a-flyin'! If I didn't know any better, I'd say Bowser was trying to knock me out on purpose!"

"Yeah!" growled Dedede, scowling. "Especially since you're his enemy!"

"Oh! Speaking of which, there was this one time--!"

The king groaned. "Screw this! Hey, kid. Wanna go bust some heads with me?"

Ness inched away. "...I'll pass."

"C'mon! It'll be awesome! I'll even let you use my hammer! We can smash things all day if you want! Violence FTW!"

"Uh, sorry! Think I just heard Master Hand calling!" he quickly lied, running off.

"Feh, kids..."

"Kids?!" Luigi shuddered. "I remember when Mario was baby! Most. Annoying. Cry. Ever."

* * *

Walking away, Ness couldn't help but grumble to himself, scowling at the floor. Who knew his teammates were such... losers?! This whole SSE Week thing really wasn't working out. He missed his old gang, the one that was actually sorta kinda cool. He missed Pikachu's constant boasting, Kirby's optimism, Nana's nagging intelligence, Popo's stupidity, pacifist Toon Link, and... He made a face. Oh, yeah... Him...

Walking by, he just happened to notice Lucas sitting with Ivysaur, his back to him. He was probably even worse off with Red after the hissy fit he had to other day... He smiled. Time to be an ass.

He tapped him on the shoulder. "Oh, hey, Luke. Uh, just walkin' by and saw you, so yeah. Casual conversation, right?"

"Well--"

"Now, now. Don't go all crazy just 'cause it's me." He smirked. "Oh, sorry. Think I just hit a nerve there. Missing me, already?"

"I'm--"

"Crying in pity in the bathroom every hour on the hour? Yeah, I know. It feels like we've been apart forever and a day, huh?"

"Actually--"

He chuckled conceitedly. "Oh, Lucas! Why're you making such a scene?! All right, since you're practically on your knees and begging, and I'm in a good mood, you get _one_ hug, but that's it." He held out his arms. "So, c'mon, glomp me already so we get this over with."

Lucas frowned. "..."

Ness frowned back. "...Did you not hear what I just said?"

"Oh, yeah, I heard, but... I'm gonna have to pass."

"Eh?!"

"_Yeeeeeah_, sorry, but... I'm saving all my hugs for Red from now on." He took his arm as proof.

Red smiled. "Hugs are for winners!"

"You actually turn down the chance to hug me for him?!" He cleaned out an ear. "I must be goin' deaf! Impossible! Y-you _adore _me!"

"Not anymore." He smiled. "Guess I just got tired of you not appreciating me for all the times I spent worshipping you, so..."

Ness was clearly taken aback. "Oh, yeah? W-well, what's Red got that I don't?!"

"Lesse, he's more attractive, more in-tune with nature, nicer, gentler, has a great sense of humor, and he's _tall_. Tall, Ness, tall. Tall is epic around here, and you know it."

"That's bull!"

"Sorry it had to be this way." He sweatdropped. "Not to sound mean or anything, but you've been officially replaced..."

("Yeah,") Ivysaur shooed him off, ("so, uh, why don'tcha go talk to your current slaves and not your ex, which would be him, if that wasn't clear. He told us all about how mean you were to him, and as Pokémon, we don't approve of pointless violence.")

Ness pointed, evil monkey style._ "You stay outta this!"_

Lucas smiled. "Oh, don't worry, Ness. We're still friends, I just won't be, y'know, boasting your ego anymore. Expect to see a lot less of me, 'kay?"

Red finished his lunch. "Yeah, especially since now it's time to go hunt down that Duon and give 'em what for!"

"Ooh! Ooh! And get his trophy?"

"And get his trophy!"

**_"AWWWESOME!"_**

"Team Awesome, go!" Red held up a hand. "Red-Hot Red!"

"And Super Lucas!" He high-fived him.

"Team Awesome's on the move again! AWAY!" they both shouted, Lucas jumping on Red's shoulders, who ran off.

"What is this?! Choreography?! Lucas never did that with me!" He frowned. "...I mean, not like I'd want him to, or anything. Ew."

("Face it. Those two're tighter than bark on a tree,") said Ivysaur. ("Haven't been apart since yesterday. ...They share everything together, and when I say that, I mean everything. Think about that for a bit and you'll see how disturbing that is for us.")

Ness sweatdropped. "Lucas is... clingy like that. I'm sure it was his idea..."

Squirtle begged to differ. ("It's still weird. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Red's got him wrapped around his finger. You should probably start looking for a new slave.")

He fumed. "No, he doesn't! Lucas is supposed to be _my_ lackey, and mine alone! No one else's! Who does that guy think he is, stealing my thunder?!"

Charizard snorted. ("So, lemme get this straight: you refuse to give Lucas the time of day and when he finally moves on, _you're_ the one that broods? How pathetic.")

Ness threw Lucas' leftover soda on his tail, dousing it. "...Oops. That was a total accident, I swear. Nah, not really."

_**("AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! FIRELESS DEATH! FIRELESS DEATH!")**_ He blew fire on it in horror.**_ ("MUST... REVIVE... FLAME...!")_**

* * *

**_Day 3: Being Bad Never Felt So Good_**

_**In the Mother Room...**_

Ness spent the next 34 hours brooding over Lucas and Red's little friendship thing going on. He couldn't very well work with his team, as they continued to suck more and more each passing second. Luigi the Loser just wouldn't shut up about the time Mario ran him over with his go-kart, or when Peach cheated at tennis... Ooh, what about when Bowser tried to take over galaxy?! Who hasn't heard that one?! And Dedede was even worse; all he wanted to do was kill, kill, kill, eat, sleep, dismantle, and kill. They hadn't made any progress, got any trophies, or gained hardly any points. Like Luigi had said on Day 1, it really was a total disaster.

But not Team Awesome, oh _no_! They were _perfect _together! Lucas just _loved_ being with Red and _not_ Ness! They were _inseparable_, the little, snot-nosed dorks! They were having _so _much more fun than they were because they were Team **_AWWWESOME_**! More like Team _**LOOOSERS**_! Hahahahahahaha! It's funny 'cause it's true! Sandwiches are good.

Behind him, Luigi sweatdropped. "Uh, you do realize you're talking out loud, right? We can hear every word you've said..."

Spying on Team Awesome outside a window, he continued to narrate. "And as the dolt known as Luigi lingered behind Ness, mumbling incoherently, the psychic struggled with all his might not to turn around and rip his mustache off, jam his hat over his face, and throw him out the freakin' house!"

Luigi ran away. _"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"_

"Hey, uh, kid? Maybe you outta calm down..." suggested Dedede. "You're starting to freak me out here..."

_**"Don't tell me to calm down! I'm not even jealous or anything, so shuddap!"**_ He went back to spying.

"...Whatever, weirdo."

He twitched. _"I-I mean, three days without him in my face?! Heh ha! It's perfect, I tell you! PERFECT! I love not having him here to puff up my ego, or be no more than 2 feet away on a regular basis!"_

"Uh, okay...?"

"Yeah, so... s-so, I-I'm better off without him! I'm the better man here, not him! Do you hear me?!" His twitching got worse.

"I didn't say..."

_**"And I'm not crazy either, so STFU!"**_

"...Now I know where they got the 'psycho' part of our team name from..." whispered the king.

Luigi nodded. "And here I thought it was talking about me..."

_"Ah! Ah! Ah, look! He said my name! I read his lips! That means he's coming in here!"_ Ness jumped up. _"Quick, look busy! D-don't let him know we're onto him...!"_

The green man frowned. "_We're_ not, but you are."

_**"Do what I said now, or I will end you!"**_

"Ack!" He threw himself at the remote on Lucas' bed, turning on the TV. "I'm doing, I'm doing!"

Dedede snorted. "What a load of bunk..."

**_"Shut up and look nonchalant, damn you!"_**

"I already am nonchalant! This whole thing's too stupid to get worked up over."

He socked him in the gut. _**"SILENCE, PIPLUP MAN!"**_

After that, he scrambled into his bed, having a hallucinatory frenzy with his pillow until Lucas came in, to which he responded to by chillin' on the mangled cushion.

"Hi, Ness!" he chirped.

"Oh. Hello, Lucas. How nice of you to visit," he mocked, just as cool and calm as he could be. "Just couldn't keep me off your mind, huh?"

Lucas smiled and shook his head. "Sorry, I didn't come to spend time with you. I'm only getting my jammies. Red's throwing a pajama party in his room to celebrate our awesomeness!"

Ness scowled, but tried to hide it. "...Ooh, sorry 'bout that. Can't come, I'm trying to... uh..." He looked to Luigi and Dedede. "Play Bingo."

His partners sweatdropped, as that had to be the lamest excuse not to go to a party ever.

The blond laughed. "That's nice, especially since you're not invited."

"Whaddaya mean 'not invited'?! I _should _be!"

"Sorry, Team Awesome members only."

"C-can't you put in a good word for me?"

"Well, I would, but it's SSE Week; you'd be breaking the rules."

"Yeah, but--!"

"Well, love to stay and chat, but... See ya!" He darted out the door, closing it. "Hey, Red! Don't start without me!"

"Sure thing, buddy!" responded the Trainer. "It goes on until question marks!"

_"...Did you see that?! Did... you... see... that?!"_ Jumping from his bed, Ness started shaking Luigi angrily. _"He's totally blowing me off, and don't you say he's not, 'cause HE IS! He's doing it on purpose! He must be brainwashed or something, 'cause I AM HIS IDOL!"_

"I think... you're... giving me... a concussion!" hollered the green guy.

_"There's no time for that now!"_ He dropped him._ "Lucas is in great danger! The fool can't even realize it! He needs to be saved from the evil that is Red and his bold-faced** LIIIIIIIIIES**! Lies, I tell you, **LIES**! Don't worry, I'm comin', man!"_

With that, he also darted out the door, not even bothering to open it. This resulted in leaving a crazy, jumping Ness-shaped hole in it. Very becoming, if I do say so myself.

Dedede looked at Luigi. "...Remind me why I bothered saving you two again."

* * *

_**At the Pokémon Room...**_

Loud, pumping music boomed from the Pokémon Room, where Team Awesome was having their little "Let's not invite Ness so we can piss him of by doing so!" party.

Ness was ready to knock, but was struck with another wave of insanity and attacked the door with his bat instead. If, in some crazy, impossible way had the door somehow been alive, it sure as hell was dead now.

"Ooh! Ooh! I'll be back in a sec!" called Lucas from inside. He opened the door, wearing a party hat and in his jammies. Heh, that's a funny word. "Hello? Oh, hi, Ness! What're you doing here?"

"Uh, well... Yeah, just came back from the bathroom and wanted to, uh, see if maybe you needed something--"

"Nope. We're having a blast!"

He twitched. "...I see."

"C'mon, Luke!" called Red. "It's your turn! 'Truth or Dare' waits for no one!"

"'Kay! Be there in a sec!" He turned back to Ness. "Sorry. It's been nice talking to you, but I gotta go. G'night!"

"Uh, hey, wait! Uh, why don'tcha lemme in so I can..." Ness struggled to peek over his shoulder at all the flashing lights and music behind him.

Lucas stopped him. "Hey, no peeking! This is an exclusive party!"

"Aw, come on! The other day, you were gloating about how obsessed you were over me, and now you're treating me like garbage? Talk about mood swings!"

"It's more of an idol swing than anything... Guess I just don't see the point to worship the ground you walk on if all you're gonna do is yell at me for it."

"But that's why you do it... right?"

"...No."

"Luke! We're waiting! You've gotta do 'dare' this time, and know what I'm gonna make you do, too!" called Red.

"Coming! I'm coming! Sorry, Ness. Things just aren't working out between us. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to break up with you."

"Break up?! WTF? We were never together to start with!"

"Exactly!" He grinned. "Now you understand my motive. I knew you'd catch it sooner or later!"

"Lucas..." Ness pulled out a Trophy Stand. "I'm sorry I have to do this, but it's for your own good."

"Huh?"

"Uh, I mean..." He pointed behind him. "Look over there! It's Shigesto Itoi!"

He turned around, frowning. "Who?"

With a flick of his wrist, Ness threw the Trophy Stand, promptly transforming Lucas into a trophy. Laughing maniacally, he held the overgrown prize over his head.

_**"Nobody disses me and gets away it! Too bad you had to learn that the hard way! Mwhahahahaha!"**_ With that, he dashed down the hallway and back to the Mother Room.

"Lucas! C'mon! Everyone's waiting for--" Red gasped as he noticed he was nowhere in sight, the door wide open. "Lucas? Hey, Lucas! Where are you?!"

("Looks like he's been kidnapped. Oh noes,") laughed Squirtle, more glad than not.

"Ack! Someone's kidnapped Lucas! Quick, call Master Hand! Call Crazy Hand! CALL MY MOM!"

("No need. I already know it was Ness,") said Ivysaur.

"How?"

("Did you not hear the super perky, 'Hi, Ness!' Lucas said when he opened the door?")

Everyone sweatdropped, as she had a very good point.

* * *

_**Back in the Mother Room...**_

Ness kicked the door open, holding Lucas' trophy and grinning like a madman.

"Hey, is that Lucas' trophy?" asked Luigi.

_"Oh, what? Did the wimpy running pose and cowlick give it away? Yeah, it's Lucas' trophy! Who else would it be?!"_

Dedede laughed. "What happened? He got knocked out by a Primid, or something?"

"Nope, threw a Trophy Stand at 'em." He placed it on his bed. "Can you believe I didn't even have to weaken him to do it? Heh heh, his suckiness makes me laugh."

"W-what?!" Dedede fell over. "Y-you can't do that! That's against the rules!"

Luigi started freaking. "We are gonna be in so much trouble if Master Hand finds out!"

"Well, MH _won't _find out if you two just shut up and let me handle this!" Touching the trophy's base, Lucas came back to life.

Rubbing his head, he groaned. "Ow, that hurt... Huh? Ness? ...Hey, I was just a trophy a moment ago!" He gushed. "Did you save me from an SSE enemy?"

"No, I brought you here and away from Red, 'cause he's a bad influence. Plus, revenge for treating me like shi--"

"Uh huh..." He smiled knowingly. "Uh, are you gonna have you way with me, 'cause if you are..."

_"...!" _Ness turned and socked Luigi so hard in the nose, it inverted. _"I'm going to pretend you didn't even say that, 'cause if you did, I would've done that to you!"_

"Well, that's mighty nice of you not to. Looks painful." He smiled wider. "Now can you let me go, please? I'm missing the big party, and I'd like to get back pretty soon..."

"You're not going anywhere until SSE Week is over! Being around that Red's not good for you!"

"Red and I are simply on a quest to save the world as intertwined partners who fight for love, peace, and happiness! There's absolutely nothing wrong about or relationship!"

"The only thing that guy's on a quest for is your ass!"

He laughed. "You're just jealous 'cause you miss my adorable charm and cuteness."

"You couldn't be further from wrong even if you tried!"

"Prove it."

"I don't hafta prove crap because you're just brainwashed! And until you realize that, you're gonna be rooming with us until this thing is over!"

He frowned. "Ew, so it's gonna be a four--?"

"DON'T. SAY. ANOTHER. WORD."

"Uh, but isn't that against the rules? Master Hand's gonna start getting suspicious when he sees Red doesn't have Lucas by his side," said Luigi.

_"Details are stupid and lame and should be thrown into a pit of acidic chlorine!"_

Dedede raised an eyebrow. "...Okay, then."

"Oh, I get it now!" Lucas leaned on his arm. "We're role-playing, aren't we? Right? Just for fun? You're Bowser, I'm Peach, Luigi and Dedede are the cronies, and Red is Mario. Clever. Very clever."

Ness stared at him long and hard before frowning. "...Have you been smelling paint fumes lately?"

He smiled sheepishly. "Define 'smelling'."

Just then, the door slammed open, thanks to Charizard's Rock Smash. Red stepped through. "Lucas! Never fear, your bestest best buddy's here, for I've come to rescue you and your sweet ass!"

"Yay, you--" He stopped. "Did you just say I have a sweet ass?"

Red sweatdropped, realizing his mistake. "...Uh, no?"

"Oh, okay."

Ness had a spasm. "But-- Wh-- You--! He--! _Did you not just catch that?!"_

"Catch what?"

"He said you had a sweet ass! Did anyone else not hear that?!"

Luigi shook his head. "Nope."

"Nun-unh." Dedede did the same.

Lucas shrugged. "Not me."

"What?! Red said it, you asked if he did, and he said 'No'! You had to've heard that!"

"Well, maybe it was mistake. He said he didn't say it, so he didn't say it."

"And you believed him?!"

"Yeah. Why not?"

"Had it ever occurred to you that he might be lying?!"

"Nope. Red never lies. He said so himself."

_"How can you be so naïve?!"_

He ignored him. "Hey Red, you got here just in time! We're role-playing and you're even in it! Isn't that fun?"

"Role-playing?!" He scowled at Ness, Luigi, and Dedede. "You guys are sick!"

"Like you should talk! _You're_ the bad guy here for once, not me!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, I had a feeling it'd come to this, so I brought reinforcements!" At that point, Master Hand floated in, looking quite pissed.

Lucas waved. "Ooh! Hi, Master Hand! Look! We're role-playing! Ness is even gonna have his way with me!"

"I never said that!"

He shrugged. "You never said you weren't..."

The hand was outraged. _"NESS! YOU HAVE SULLIED THE GOOD NAME OF ALL THINGS SMASH BROS. BY NOT ONLY TURNING ONE OF YOUR FELLOW SMASHERS INTO A TROPHY, AND NOT ONLY HOLDING HIM HOSTAGE, BUT ALSO BY TRYING TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH HIM! YOU SICK, SICK, LITTLE PUPPY!"_

He growled. "That's not what I was trying to do!"

_"SILENCE! FIRST OFF!"_ He pointed at Luigi and Dedede. _"YOUR TEAM'S POINTS SHALL BE SERVERELY DEDUCTED FOR THIS!"_

Dedede freaked. "WHAT?! Totally unfair! We had nothing to do this!"

Luigi slapped his forehead. "And we've been working so hard, too!"

_"ALSO, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME, LITTLE MAN!"_ Master Hand scooped Ness up in a tight grip and zoomed off. _"I'M GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE WHO DON'T OBEY THE RULES AROUND HERE!"_

"W-wait!" came Ness' voice from down the hallway. "Can't we talk about this? You've got the wrong guy! That Red is evil I tell you!_ **EEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIL!"**_

"Oh, Lucas!" Red held his arms out for his stubby partner. "Poor little guy! You must be horrified!"

He made his way over. "Eh, I've been through worse..."

"Ah, that's the spirit! What a real trooper!" He slapped his back. "Whaddya say we have another party to celebrate? Just 'cause you're just too sexy not to have one!"

"Ooh! I--!" He frowned. "Did you just call me sexy?"

"Uh..." He looked around. "No?"

"Oh, okay."

"Then, Team Awesome, go!" Red held up a hand. "Red-Hot Red!"

"And Super Lucas!" He high-fived him.

"Team Awesome's on the move again! AWAY!" they both shouted, Lucas jumping on Red's shoulders, who ran off.

"...I don't know why I let Kirby talk me into coming to this loony bin!" grumbled Dedede. "You're all CRAZEH! CRAZEH, MANG, CRAZEH!"

"...Can someone please do someding about by dose?" asked Luigi, quivering in the corner. "I'm sure dis could get infecded..."

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes:** UH OH! Red slipped up, Ness is screwed, and Lucas is completely oblivious! Just what will happen next?! Also, Ness calling Dedede Piplup Man made me ROFL for some reason. And polar bears with diet carbonated soda? Hmm, where have we seen that before?_


	16. A Match Made in Hell: Part 3, Episode 1

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**__ Okay, I lied in Chapter 14, as I suck at predicting the future; there's still three parts to this, but Part 3 has been split into two sections for some arcane reason. YAY. Also, it seems I weirded out some people with the hint of RedxLucas last chapter, but whatever. It's one of the few __**"SSBB"**__ pairings I actually like and support, so blah. If you're gonna like yaoi, let it be a pairing where neither of the guys has a sword or dashingly gay looks. :) Yay, this chapter has slight nudity in it. Shield your eyes! _

* * *

_**What Goes On**_

_**Chapter 16: **__A Match Made in Hell (Part 3, Episode 1)_

* * *

**_Day 4: The Aftermath_**

On such a wonderful day, which was most likely that since it meant SSE Week was halfway over, Master Hand allowed a team recess for all contestants. How swell! And he allowed it only at, wouldn't you know it, lunch. Unoriginality is cool.

"Oh, man! What an awesome week!" giggled Kirby. "Me and Mario and Pit flew all around the world and saved hundreds of people! We had some sweet battles, fought cool enemies, and me and Pit got our world-saving licenses! And Team Awesome even joined us for fun! First, they fought with us, then, as a change of pace, they fought against us! We lost to them and they stole some of our trophies, but that's okay! Team Heroes will never give up! Ooh, we are so gonna win that trophy!"

"That's nice, but how many Teamwork Points do you have?" questioned Nana.

"100,300! We're goin' for 150,000 by the end of tomorrow!"

Pikachu smirked. ("Me and Samus have 150,000 already. There's no way you'll beat us to the trophy! Besides...") He held up a Floow trophy. ("Am I the man, or what? Fox was getting beat down by a pack of 'em, heh.")

Nana scoffed. "Yeah, well, I think Lucario and I are the perfect team! Who'd have guessed that we had so much in common? We got 150,500 points, and 264 trophies! Plus, he's such a form of enlightenment! I think I'm gonna have to get back with him after the week's over!"

"Plus, he let me give 'em dog treats, and he's even housebroken!" added Popo. "Best. Dog. Ever."

"Meh," Toon Link shrugged. "We got off to a bit of a rocky start, so we only have 110,000 right now. But... that's still pretty good, right? I mean, we're doing lots better. I feel like I'm getting in touch with not only my feminine side, but my evil side, as well. Who knew people had so many different sides?"

("What's with the pigs?") asked Pikachu.

"Oh, yeah. Meet Wilfred, Jonathan, and The Pig Formerly Known as Shiggy!" he said, respectively pointing to the pink, spotted, and black pig.

"Oink," collectively said the pigs.

"They're my evil lackeys in crime, while, at the same time, keeping me from getting too ahead of myself. Being so evil after being so good apparently kills brain cells."

("...Are you kidding?")

Toon Link didn't have time to answer as the trio of oinkers launched themselves across the table, attacking Pikachu in all their piggy glory.

Nana sweatdropped, but then noticed Ness had gone into some sort of self-induced trance. Since this was usually a bad thing, she spoke to him.

"Ness, what about you? How many Teamwork Points does your team have?"

"..."

"Ness?"

"..."

"Hello?"

"-18,000." He laughed disjointedly. "We suck. I have nothing in common with those guys at all."

Kirby winced. "Ouch..."

"-18,000?!" gasped Toon Link. "How'd you get so low? Aren't you even_ trying_ to work together?"

"_I _am, but it's kinda hard to do that when one of your partners is a walking disaster, and the other just wants to bust caps off in people's asses all the time."

Pikachu smirked, recovering from the pig attack. ("Not to mention that whole thing with Lucas last night...")

Ness rolled his eyes. "Oh, boy. Intrigue."

"Ooh, intrigue!" Nana turned to Pikachu. "Do tell! Do tell!"

And so, he did. There's no point in reiterating it, y'know. Needless to say, everyone was shocked.

Nana gasped. "Ness! You sneak!"

Toon Link frowned. "Woah, no wonder you lost so many points..."

Popo scratched his head. "Nana, what's it mean to 'have your way with someone'?"

She sweatdropped. "I'll tell you when you're older..."

"But I wanna know now..."

The mouse smirked at Ness. ("So, wanna attack me in a blind fury with the off chance of killing me? After saying all that stuff? 'Bout you and Lucas?")

"Not really."

("...What?")

"...I haven't been feeling up to snuff lately. I barely have the energy to get pissed anymore. I'm just so tired..."

("Oh, yeah. Well...") He tried to think of something that would set him off. _("You're still so friggin' fat!")_

He started to retort, but his anger practically fizzled out. "...Nah, it's not worth it."

For the first time ever, Pikachu actually looked uneasy. ("...Ness, as a friend, I'm now officially concerned. Seriously, maybe you should eat something.")

"...I'm not hungry..."

_("You're not?!") _

Nana's mouth dropped open. "Who are you, and what have you done with Ness?!"

Popo tugged on her. "C'mon, Nana. Seriously, tell me what it means. I feel like don't get the joke..."

"I'll tell you later, now hush!"

"But there's no time like the present!"

"There won't be a future for you if you don't stop whining!"

"I'm assuming there's a reason for this sudden change of heart?" asked Toon Link.

Ness cut his eyes at the empty seat next to him. "...What do you think?"

"Ah, Lucas. Yeah, I almost forgot about him. Uh, where is he?"

"With Red, but I'm not inclined to care about what they're doing. Nope, not at all."

"...Would that explain why you're so down in the dumps today?"

He sighed. "...He may be a wussy baby, pansy-ass wimp, but..." He frowned. "He's _my _wussy baby, pansy-ass wimp..."

("Usually, I'd make fun of you for saying that, but this must be serious, so I'll let it go this time,") uttered Pikachu, still looking quite uneasy.

"Well, why don't you go over and tell him that?" suggested Nana. "Knowing him, I'm sure he'll get all teary and sympathetic and come crawling back."

"The direct approach never works. You know that."

"Trust me, if you don't, it's only gonna get worse."

He laughed mockingly. "How? How could it possibly get any worse than this?"

"Love? Sunshine? Happiness?" asked a random Poppant, offering gifts to various Smashers. It toddled over to Team Awesome. "Love? Sunshine? Happiness? Get them while they're hot!"

"Oh, a box of Love, if you please," said Lucas.

"Here you are!" It gave him a box of Love. "Thank you for your patronage!"

"I'll take two boxes of everything!" said Red. "And super size 'em all while you're at it!"

"...You are the best person ever," droned Lucas.

He laughed, taking the boxes. "No, you are!"

"No, you are!"

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

Nana sweatdropped. "Case in point."

Ness twitched. "...Oh, he is so going down now."

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

Fed up with their idiotic argument, Ness jumped in-between them. "OKAY! WE KNOW! SHADDAP ALREADY!"

"Heh heh heh..." Lucas stuck his tongue out. "Hiya, Ness! Nice to see you again!"

"Y'know, you're allowed to go back to your _usual_ friends for an hour today..." He pointed towards their table. "Sure you don't wanna, oh, I dunno... pledge your undying allegiance to me?"

"Nope! Already did that to Red here. I thought I told you that yesterday..."

His face soured. "Oh, yeah..."

"...So, uh... No, think I'll stay here with Red, if you don't mind..."

"Yo, Luke! Watch this!" Red opened a box of Love, spewing peaches, hearts, confetti, and an all-around good feeling of passion around the table.

Ness sneered. "Wonderful."

"Isn't it, though?!" Lucas smiled. "Wow, you sound extra plucky today. Your Teamwork Points must be sky-high!"

"...You have no sense of intuition at all, do you?"

"Look! Look!" He showed him a paper. "Look at our points! We've got a lot, but I bet we pale in comparison to your team."

"Oh, joy." He looked it over and had a mental stroke. "WHAT THE--?!"

"Hey, Ness! What's the paper say about his Teamwork Points?" called Kirby.

Gritting his teeth, he crushed the paper in his hand, setting it ablaze. _**"IT'S OVER 9,000!"**_

Popo spewed soda all over Nana. _**"WHAT, 9,000?!"**_

Lucas beamed. "Awesome, right?! 500,000 Points just from the first few days! Plus..." He pulled out a bag. "Lookit! We've got almost every trophy there is! We're so in-sync, it's scary!"

At that moment, Master Hand came in. "Oh, my! I heard the great news from outside! 500,000 Points in only 4 days?! That must be a new record!"

Ness sweatdropped. "Yeah... Especially since this is the first time you've ever had this thing..."

Master Hand flicked him away. "Hush, now! It's still a record, nonetheless!" He pet Lucas on the head. "You two were voted the most unlikely to get past 1,000 Points, and here you are, all the way out in front! Color me impressed!"

"Yeah! I'm so glad that me being with Red wasn't a typo. I dunno how I'd survive otherwise."

Ness made a disgruntled face. "Uh, ouch. My pride. It burns and writhes in pain at your horrible words."

Master Hand laughed. "Nobody cares. Anyway, I was going to award the big prize to whomever got the most points at the end of the week, but now, I'm going to up the ante!"

Red turned his head. "Huh?"

"From here on in, 1,000,000 Teamwork Points is what you'll need to get the Tabuu trophy! Any less and you're only getting secondary prizes!"

Link blanched. "1-1,000,000?!"

Kirby smacked his forehead. "Aw, c'mon! We were shooting for an even 200,000!"

("That's way too much!") groaned Jigglypuff, tearing up her paper. ("We'll never get there in time! Never! Never! Never!")

Obviously, everyone else in the room agreed, shown true with their moans and groans of protest.

Lucas turned to Red, beaming. "Wow! Red, that's a new challenge for us!"

"Then, let's get started! Team Awesome, go!" He held up a hand. "Red-Hot Red!"

"And Super Lucas!" He high-fived him.

"Team Awesome's on the move again! AWAY!" they both shouted, Lucas jumping on Red's shoulders, who ran off.

"Love? Sunshine? Happiness?" asked another Poppant. "Get them while they're hot!"

Pulling out his bat, Ness promptly bludgeoned the Poppant, sadistically enjoying it as he did so. Then, he used a nearby Ray Gun to blow its brains--Wait, no, that's too violent... Rewrite:

He actually used the bat to gently tap it on the head to get its attention so he could get some presents. Upon its refusal, he used the Ray Gun to blow the candy out of its pants. After that, everyone had chocolate. Yeah, that's better.

* * *

_**Day 5: The Crushing, Ruinous Defeat (Wait, where has that been used before...?)**_

The slightly insane wonder known as Ness peeked over some bushes outside the house, watching Team Awesome's every move. They were currently playing jump rope with Ivysaur's vines, Charizard turning one side while the other was connected to the plant Pokémon. Squirtle had the worst of it, though; Red made him jump along with him and Lucas. If he'd actually eaten something in the last two days, Ness would've lost his lunch.

"HONK!" honked a nearby Shellpod.

"WTF?" He shooed it off. "Go away!"

"HONK!" It bumped into him.

"Get away!" He kicked its head. "Get off! Move it! I don't wanna fight!"

"HONK!" It rammed him, getting his shirt stuck its horn.

"All right, that's it!" Pissed, Ness wriggled his way off and beat the crud out of it until its shell broke off. "Now, go away!"

"HONK!" The now armorless Shellpod looked around in shock. "You broke it! You broke it! My shell! You went and broke it! You monster!"

"Shut up! You belong to me now!"

"Why?"

"'Cause I need a self-conscious, wimpy lackey to take the place of Pussy Man, i.e., blondie over there, and you're it!"

"Uh, well, I _am_ supposed to provide you with casual conversation, but this is--"

"Good! Then, you're my lackey from now on! And your name shall be Chauncey, 'cause I'm too pissed to think of another one at the moment!"

Chauncey shrugged. "Uh, sure, whatever..."

"Good, now shut up and look stupid." He ducked back into the bushes. "They're doing something else now."

"Hey, look." Lucas pointed behind Red. "The river Rayquaza was in before Fox and Diddy pwned him."

"Think he's still in there?"

"Dunno." He smirked. "Wanna find out?"

"Yeah! And let's go skinny dipping in case he_ is_ in there! That'll catch him off guard for sure!"

"Ohmagawd, you had me at 'skinny'!"

Without a second thought, they threw off their clothes and did a running jump into the pond. Red's Pokémon only twitched in utter horror as their shirts, pants, and underwear draped over their heads and, thankfully, eyes.

"Skinny dipping?! Lucas never did that with me!"

Chauncey made a face. "And you'd want him to because...?"

He scowled. "...Well, I'm gonna show 'em that_ I_ am the ultimate master when it comes to skinny dipping!"

The green thing sweatdropped. "I bet you've never done this in your life, have you?"

"Shut up and watch my clothes!" he spat, throwing them into his face. The Shellpod only shook his head as a large splash confirmed he'd jumped in.

Hearing the splash, Lucas smiled and closed his eyes. "Marco!"

"Polo!" responded Red, about 20 feet away.

"Marco!"

"Polo!"

"Marco!"

"Polo!"

"Mar--Ow!" Lucas opened his eyes, rubbing the back of his head. Turning around, he noticed Ness was the one to blame for it.

"Lucas, you do realize swimming around naked in a lake where a dragon used to live isn't exactly the smartest thing you could do with your time, right?"

Smiling, he disregarded this. "Hi, Ness! Nice to see you... Uh, you're naked."

"Well, so are you."

"...Your point?"

"Okay, I was just waiting for you to jump on that with some kind of sexual innuendo crack, and you didn't! You didn't! What is wrong with you?!"

"I told you, Ness, we're through. You've just gotta accept that I've moved on. Must you hold a grudge?"

"That's not what I'm worried about! I just don't trust Red. He's a bit too... nice to you..."

"Aw, thanks for your concern, but I'm fine, and Red is absolutely fabulous, contrary to what you may believe."

He scowled. "'Absolutely fabulous'? Just what the crap are you on?!"

"Hey, Lucas! Look! Who am I?!" Red suddenly appeared out of the brush, wearing Ness' clothes. Of course, given the difference in size, they were quite tight on him, showing a lot more skin then they normally should have. "C'mon, c'mon! Guess!"

Lucas would've busted out laughing had it not been the fact he was currently suffering from a horrible nosebleed at the sight. He was only able to respond in snorts and gurgles, occasionally pointing with a look of shock on his face.

Ness facepalmed himself. "Ugh! Dude, that's just gross. Please don't tell me you're wearing my underwear, too..."

"Ew, no. Left them laying around here somewhere."

"Thank you for your consideration," he sarcastically groaned.

"All right, champ!" He pulled out Lucas' clothes. What he was doing with them, I'll never know. "It's almost dinnertime, so get dressed and let's go home!"

"Yay!" He dogpaddled over and somehow dressed himself in 2.8 seconds. It must've been magic, or something.

"Hey! What about me?! I need my clothes back!"

"Aw, don't worry, Ness. Pokémon Trainers always--"

"_No, no!"_ Ness shook his head, waving his arms angrily. "Shut up about the Pokémon stuff, okay?! Nobody cares! Haven't you ever realized hardly anyone here has a clue what you're talking about?!"

"Hey, don't be so negative! You learn something new every day! That's the Pokémon Trainer's top rule!"

"Wow, you're so smart," piped Lucas. "You're, like, super smart, or something."

"You're only as smart as make yourself, Lucas!" He slapped a hand on his shoulder, quite fondly, I might add. "That's another important rule all Pokémon Trainers should know!"

"_He's not a Pokémon Trainer!"_

"Ugh, there you go being negative again..."

"Just... gimme back my clothes so I can get outta here!"

"What's the magic word?"

"_**Now!"**_

"Oh, I'm sorry. That's not what we were looking for. " He walked off, Lucas hovering beside him. "Say the magic word, or you're not getting these back."

"No way! I refuse to stoop so low!" He waved his fists angrily. "I'm not gonna let you get the best of me! Not today, buddy! No way!"

"Have it your way." Recalling his Pokémon, Red promptly left, Lucas riding piggyback.

...It didn't take long for Ness to realize that he had indeed been gotten the best of.

"Crap."

* * *

_**At dinner...**_

For some reason, no one seemed to find it odd that Red was wearing Ness' clothes. Or, maybe they did, but were too freaked out say anything about it.

"Hey, Ness!" greeted Popo as Red walked by. "Wow, you've been working out! It's doing wonders on you!"

Red sweatdropped. "Uh, okay?"

"Oh no, he's onto us! Quick, to the table of righteousness!" shouted Lucas, as the two suddenly ran off, laughing incessantly.

Lucario shook his head. "...They get stranger and stranger every time I see them."

"No kidding," agreed Nana. At that moment, she noticed Ness come in, wearing his Mr. Saturn shirt and looking pretty pissed. ...And when I say that, I mean he was wearing the pink shorts and crap, too, you sickos.

She acknowledged him. "Oh, hey, Ness. Y'know, Red's wearing your--"

_"Yeah, I know! I'm not blind! Shut up!"_

He glowered over at the table that seated Team Awesome. Red was eating his share of a pizza slice, while handing some to Lucas, who was still piggybacking. Their teamwork in devouring a single slice of pizza was enough to make him sick.

"All right, that's it!" He stomped over and pointed at Red.

"Ah, Ness! There you are! I was starting to worry. Nice shirt, by the way. Are you one of those gothic liberals I've heard so much about?"

"Shut up! I'm bringin' the pain now! You will rue the day you came here!"

He laughed. "Aw, c'mon, Ness. Why make a scene? We're all friends here, right?"

"_**No!"**_ He slapped him with a Fan, making everyone gasp. "You. Me. Fight. Now!"

Upon hearing the word "fight", every Smasher quickly gathered around them.

"_**Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"**_ they cheered.

"Ooh, a brawl!" Master Hand zoomed in and got some popcorn. "Finally! Haven't seen one this heated in a while!"

"YES, AND DON'T FORGET THE TOILET PAPER DEMONS!" warned Crazy Hand, flying into a nearby wall.

Red crossed his arms. "Look, if this is about the clothes, I'm sorry, okay? Apparently, Mr. Crabby can't take a joke--"

"Screw the clothes! This is about Lucas!"

"Lucas?" He looked up to the blond, who shrugged.

"That's right! You're just way too nice to him! It's all a trick, isn't it?! Trying to steal my lackey, huh?! Lucas is _my_ crony, and he should act as such! You two don't have a thing in common, so back off!"

"Hey, he's _my _best bud!" argued Red, taking him down from his head and holding him like a puppy. "He said so himself! Right, bestest best bud?"

"Well--"

"No, _mine_!" spat Ness, pulling him away. He then pointed at the Trainer. "Lucas, tell this freak to take a hike! Do it now! I command it!"

"Uh--"

"No way!" Red grabbed an arm. "He loves going on adventures with me to save the world from sadness and pizzalessness!"

"Forget you!" Ness grabbed his other arm. "He'd rather be trying to get to me spit on him so that maybe, just _maybe_, he'd be half as cool as I am!"

Everyone gasped again. _**"Impasse!"**_

Lucas gushed, now caught in a tug-of-war between the two. "Wow! I never knew I was so... wanted! You two must really love me bunches to be acting like this! If my arms weren't being pulled outta their sockets, I'd give you both a big hug! Yay, popularity!"

"Shut up, Lucas! This has nothing to do with you being popular!" growled Ness.

"Don't talk to him that way!" defended Red. "He deserves so much better! Don'tcha, buddy?"

"You wish!" Ness pulled harder. "Give in to my prowess! I know you want to!"

Red also pulled harder. "Super Lucas, you can't abandon hope! Not now, not ever!"

He continued to relish in their argument. "Sorry, I'm just the adorable object of affection here. I'm not inclined to do anything other than look tantalizingly scrumptious."

Hearing that, Ness just had to let go. "The hell?!"

"Okay, okay, okay, okay..." reasoned Red. "I got an idea. Why don't we let Lucas decide? It's only fair, and I know he's smart enough to make the right choice! Right, buddy?"

"That's not what I--"

"Yeah! Okay, then! Lucas, who's better? Me or him?"

He pouted. "Oh, c'mon. Don't make me choose..."

He cracked his knuckles. "Do it, or I'll cream you."

"Uh..." He shrugged. "I dunno. The guy with the hat."

Ness cheered. "Hooray, that's me!"

Red scowled. "We're_ both_ wearing hats."

"...Well, he's obviously clueless, so we'll just fight for it! I was gonna do that anyway!"

Lucas meekly raised a finger. "Can I say something else?"

Ness snarled. _**"NO!"**_

"'Kay."

The psychic got into a stance. "Red, I'm callin' you out! We're gonna have a brawl right here and now!"

The Trainer summoned his Pokémon. "All right, then! Bring it!"

"Uh-unh! Hold it right there! I said _we're _gonna have a brawl! Me vs. you, and no Pokémon!"

Everyone gasped again. _**"Intense!"**_

"Wha?" Red blinked. "But... that's the only way I can fight. You know that..."

"I don't care!" He crossed his arms. "Either fight under those conditions, or you forfeit!"

"Well, then... Okay, fine! But you can't use your psychic powers! It's only fair!"

Everyone gasped once again. _**"Insane!"**_

Although hesitant, Ness agreed. "Fine! I can actually fight myself, unlike you!"

Everyone gasped for a fifth time. The Pokémon Trainer fight without his Pokémon?! Ness fight without his psychic abilities?! Both in an unofficial battle of manic proportions?! What a battle this would be!

"_**Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"**_

"Well, you heard 'em. So, c'mon. Do something." Ness started shuffling around. "Do it. C'mon. Hit me. I dare you. I double dare you. What's wrong? Chicken? Too scared? Have no moves whatsoever?" As Red raised a hand to scratch his head in perplexity, he jumped back. "Ooh, too slow!"

"If you're trying to psyche me out, it's not gonna work."

"Then do something!"

"Uh, I will, I will..." He pondered. "...Eventually."

"Wrong answer!" Ness threw a punch and missed, while Red also succeeded in dodging a low kick. He tried to grab and throw him, but Red barely got away in time.

"Look, Ness..."

Dodge.

"Maybe you oughta..."

Avoid.

"Chill out! You're going..."

Evade.

"About this the wrong way!"

Duck. No, not the quacking one.

"...And may I say that you are horrible at targeting?"

"Urgh! Stand still! This is a fight, not a dancing competition!" he growled, now darting towards him.

Finally, Red got an idea. "A Pokémon Trainer is always prepared to go whenever, wherever! And Pokémon Trainers are constantly on the lookout for sexual predators, child molesters, and evil organizations with team members in tight, matching uniforms who're trying to take over the world! Because of that, every Pokémon Trainer should know how to do... THIS!"

Putting all the power in the palm of his hand, Red ran towards the charging Ness and jammed it in his face, executing the palm heel on his poor, defenseless nose.

"_**AUGGGGH!"**_ He reeled back and clutched his nose, dancing around in pain. _**"MY NOSE! AUGGGGH! IT HURTS!"**_

"Yay, violence!" cheered the crowd.

"And now, to improvise!" Red was ready to do just that when Ness stopped him.

"Woah, woah! Stop! Time out! _TIME OUT!"_

"Huh?"

"I quit! I forfeit! Thatz it! You win, okey?!"

"Why, what happened? Did I hurt you?"

"_Yes! You broke by dose!"_

"I did? Really?" He rubbed his chin. "Huh. That doesn't usually work. It should've just stunned you..."

Taking his hands from his face, Ness was shocked to see blood. "Ah, man! I'm bleedin'! We're not supposed to get really hurt in dese fights! The hell?!"

Master Hand shrugged. "Well, since this isn't an official brawl, all rules and laws of physics apply."

"_What?! Why didn't you tell me dat earlier?!"_

The giant hand would have frowned if it were possible. "Well, excuse me for not putting the rules and regulations in every single hallway in the house! You really need to stop and read the memos..."

"So..." Red scratched his head. "Did I win?"

"Well, since Ness isn't putting forth an effort to fight, I guess so! Hooray!"

"It's kinda hard do fight when your dose is spewing blood like da freakin' Fountains of Dreams!" spat the other contender. "He should be disqualified for dis!"

"Nope! I call it! Red is officially the winner, due to... uh, something. Now, clap!"

The Smashers, although disappointed at the short fight, applauded the Trainer's victory. Of course, that didn't stop them from snickering at the loser's misfortune.

"And, after such a rousing fight, dinner is officially over!" Master Hand pointed out the door. "Now, get out there and show me you guys are even half as resourceful as Red here! Go!"

Cheering for no apparent reason, everyone charged out the door, not one person bothering to stifle a laugh at Ness' bloody nose. On the contrary, if looks could kill, he would've blown them all to bits.

Lucas pulled out a handkerchief, smiling sadly. "...Consolation prize?"

He snatched it away, using it to tend to his nose. "Shut up."

* * *

_**Authoress Notes**__**:**__ Sheesh, Master Hand sure is bias... Also, Ness is on drugs, Red is taking steroids, and Lucas is giddily apathetic. But I'm sure you knew all that, right? :)_


	17. A Match Made in Hell: Part 3, Episode 2

**_Authoress' Notes_****_:_**_ Ah, finally. The end of SSE Week. I think there's one more multi-part chapter thingy before the story ends, but it should be only two parts. Then again, what do I know? I am absolutely horrible at making educated guesses for the length of chapters. _

* * *

**_What Goes On_**

**_Chapter 17: _**_A Match Made in Hell (Part 3, Episode 2)_

* * *

**_Day 6: The Final Stretch!_**

**_With Team Heroes..._**

Mario put his hands on his hips. "Team, this is our last day together before the winner is announced, and I think we should make it a big one! Whaddya say?"

"But what can we do?" asked Kirby. "We've pretty much done everything a hero could do and much more. There's no way we can top it off!"

"I'm with him," added Pit.

"Hmm, you've got a point..." Mario rubbed his chin. "But there has to be something else we can do, even if it's for good measure..."

Everyone pondered this until Kirby's eyes lit up. "Ooh, I know! I know what we could do! I know!"

"What?" asked the plumber and the angel.

"...Take a vacation!"

"Yeah!"

And with that, the three ran off to the nearest beach to get a tan as the world plummeted into madness and despair at their absence.

With Team Princess...

Peach hummed to herself while she was playing tennis with a team of Sword Primids outside, using one of her Vegetables as the ball. Meanwhile, Sheik watched her from the sidelines, twitching just a bit.

"Ah, what a nice match!" she cheered, literally destroying the gang of Sword Primids with her last serve. "I think this calls for a celebratory afternoon snack, don't you, Sheik?"

"..." She twitched.

"Ooh, I know!" Whipping around, she pulled out two cups of tea. "Ta-da! To the victor belong the spoils! Tee hee! So, you want the usual?"

_**"GAH!"**_ Sheik roared, grabbing her head with her hands. "I can't take it anymore!"

"Huh?"

_**"Peach!"**_ She grabbed her. **_"Please_** tell me! Tell the secret of your tea! I just have to know! I can't go _not_ knowing! _**I'm dying to know!"**_

"But Sheik, if I tell you--"

_"Yeah, you'll have to kill me! I know! But I don't care anymore! Just tell me now and put my mind and soul at ease! I'm begging you! **Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease!"**_ She started sobbing uncontrollably.

Peach sweatdropped at her breakdown. "Sheik, calm down. I'll... I'll tell you without killing you, if it's that big of a deal..."

She sniffled. "...R-really?"

"Yeah. I mean, you are a close friend, so I guess I can make an exception..."

"So... really? You'll tell me? I-I can finally know?!"

She smiled. "Why, sure. I think you're more than deserving. But I'm only gonna tell you once, so listen up!"

Gasping, Sheik pulled out a notepad and a pen. "Okay, okay, okay! Tell me now! Please! Every single thing! Don't skip any details! Give it to me straight! Don't hold back! Feel free to elaborate!"

Peach's smiled soon turned demonic as she grabbed the side of her dress threateningly. "So, really wanna know?"

"Yes!"

"You sure?"

"Yes!"

"Positive?"

"Yes! Yes! Yes! C'mon, I don't have all day!"

"All right then... Now, prepare for the unprepareable..."

She frowned. "The what?"

Suddenly lifting her dress, Sheik soon realized why she'd been so reluctant to tell her about how and where she got her tea from; the sheer sight of... that would've been enough to give anyone who gazed upon it a one-way ticket to Hell.

_**"HOLY SHI--"**_

* * *

**_With Team Space Shock..._**

Samus stretched out on a random couch in the front room. "Pikachu, I have to admit; this week's been a real blast with you, even without my suit."

The mouse sat on her stomach, eyes glazed. ("...Uh huh.")

"And I feel like I've known you my whole life, y'know?"

("...Uh huh.")

"Do you feel the same way about me?"

("...Uh huh.")

"Great! I knew you would! It's nice to have someone who accepts me for me for once and isn't a total perv."

("...Uh huh.")

"So, what should our last several hours together be like?"

("...Uh huh.")

"Pikachu, that was a question..."

("...Uh huh.")

"...Are you okay?"

("...Uh huh.")

"Oh, good." She pat his head. "And here I thought something was wrong with you. You're just playing around again, aren't you?"

("...Uh huh.")

* * *

**_With Team Swordplay..._**

Ike grumbled to himself as he touched the base of the recently-defeated Marth's trophy, bringing him back to life.

He scowled at first, then smiled upon seeing Ike. "Before you say anything, let me defend myself by saying--"

"That stunt just cost us 6,000 points! You idiot!"

He scoffed. "That Armank herd came out of nowhere, Ike. Not even Meta Knight saw it."

"He didn't have to see it! We both heard it a mile away! That's why we ran!"

"Oh, I just thought we were doing that to look cool. You know, like we always do? The three of use running together in unison, swords ablaze--"

He kicked him. "Shut up and do something worthwhile for once!"

"Like you're one to talk, Mr. 'Ooh, lookit me! I'm being attacked by a pack of robotic misfits who can't even hold a sword properly'!"

"What'd you say, Martha?!" he taunted.

"Scoundrel! How dare you taint my name like so?! Have at you!"

As the two proceeded to slice each other up, Meta Knight simply rode off into the sunset with the Armank herd. Why exactly has yet to be clarified.

* * *

**_With Team Mr. Roboto..._**

The ancient Minister lowered his head. "MR. GAME & WATCH, I ASSURE YOU THIS; IF THIS DOESN'T WORK, NOTHING WILL."

Mr. Game & Watch rang his bell.

"MY PLAN THIS TIME IS TO REVERSE THE EFFECTS OF THE SUBSPACE BOMB THAT WENT OFF SEVERAL DAYS AGO."

Mr. Game & Watch rang his bell.

"I'VE DECIDED TO REVERSE THE EFFECTS BY REVERSING THE PROCESS." He pointed to several Primids standing around several Subspace Bombs. "I'LL SIMPLY CANCEL IT OUT BY IMPLODING THESE BOMBS."

Mr. Game & Watch rang his bell.

"THEN LET IT COMMENCE." He pushed a button, causing all the bombs to implode and invert the colors of anything within a two mile radius.

Mr. Game & Watch rang his bell.

"OH NO. THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, WAS IT? ERORR DETECTED--"

_**!DNUOS NOISOLPXE**_

* * *

**_With Team Captain..._**

"Please!" begged Olimar, holding Jellybeans. "Please just... just listen to me for once! Your crudeness is killing my Pikmin and costing us points! Do you know that?"

"The only thing costing us points is you and your uncoolness! Besides, the little guys absolutely love to race! Just look at 'em!"

Olimar looked over to where he was pointing to see about 37,849 Pikmin crammed inside his car. A purple one plopped its ass on a button, causing it to zoom forward and crash into a tree, killing them all.

_"Noooooooo! Larry! Kiddy! Money! Toes! Dingle! Thingy! Burger! Leafy! Penicillin! Rattle! Prattle! Doogy! Fritz! Jangle! Hoopdy!"_

("When will it end?!") howled Jellybeans.

* * *

**_With Team Emerald..._**

Sitting stop a struggling Link's shoulders, Yoshi smiled triumphantly. "Hooray! For once, I get to ride someone! And what fun it is! Don'tcha think this is fun, too? I think it's fun. I really think we're going somewhere with this."

"Okay, okay..." griped the swordsman. "That's enough for now, right?"

("Huh? No way! We're just getting started!") He urged him on. ("Now, go! Faster! Faster! I wanna feel the wind in my hair!")

"You don't have any hair..."

("Hush! And I do too have hair! ...It's, uh, just invisible, that's all.")

"...Do you ever listen to yourself talk at all?"

("Eh, I fade in and out.")

* * *

**_With Team Furry..._**

Fox rubbed his head in frustration. "Diddy, you have absolutely no sense of teamwork, do you?"

("Huh? Yeah, I do! That's not true!")

"Then why is it we haven't fought a single enemy together? Huh?"

("...'Cause you have no sense of teamwork.")

"I just said that!"

He crossed his arms. ("I know you are, but what am I?")

"An idiot!"

BOOM! Just then, a Bytan herd bounced by them, reeking havoc with their... circumferencenessness.

Diddy pointed. ("Hey, look! Balls!")

Fox started to say something, but decided against it. "...No, too easy."

Uh, maybe he shoulda said whatever he was gonna, especially since a giant Bytan randomly decided to run Diddy over.

("Ack! Fox, help! Emergency situation! Emergency situation!")

"Aah! Hold on, Diddy! LANDOMASTAH!" Despite not having a Smash Ball, Fox leapt into the tank, suddenly turning Japanese for a second.

("Hooray!")

"Now, to save you!" Fox promptly zapped him.

("Ack! Wait! What the hell are you doing?!")

He smirked. "Trying to shoot your ass down."

("Noooooooooooooooo!")

* * *

**_With Team Fuzzy..._**

DK pounded on his chest. ("Hey, bird guy! Didja know that bananas are yellow?!")

"No kidding." Falco groaned, absentmindedly reading a book about how to cope with having a total jerk for an Arwing commander.

("And that they're loaded with potassium?!")

"I'm surprised you even know what that means..."

("DK don't, but if bananas have it, that's okay with DK!")

"That's nice. Would you care to do something without bananas today? The last day before the week's over? Before the results are announced and we don't win what we were gunning for in the first place?"

He frowned. ("Oh, yeah. SSEE Week. Forgot about that. Hmm...")

"I mean, I'm sure our score's shot, especially sine we haven't gotten any items, defeated one bad guy, or gotten into any nonsensical, violent sparring matches..."

("Great!") DK grabbed him "I'm-stealing-your-lady" style and ran off. ("Off to eat more bananas!")

He simply continued reading. "I was afraid you'd say that..."

* * *

**_With Team Miscellaneous..._**

Snake sighed, still scooting around under his box. "Y'know, we're never going to win that trophy now, not with you refusing to heed my commands. You're a horrible partner and Smasher overall. At least Mario and I can get a cup of coffee and talk every now and then. Too bad I can't say the same about you."

Sonic scoffed, eating a chilli dog. "I don't really care anymore. Never wanted the dumb thing in the first place... Beside, Sonic's my name, and speed's my game! I dunno why you guys fail to see that! You're all just a bunch of snooty hypocrites if you ask me!"

"But winning it over Mario might actually want to make him respect you. ...As well as everyone else."

"I don't demand Mario's respect; he _craves _my presence!"

"No, he doesn't. You came here for monetary reasons."

_"Fan service!"_ He growled. "I came strictly for fan service!"

"You have no idea how many things are wrong with what you just said."

"C'mon! Me vs. Mario is an age-old battle! We've been at it so long, I can't even remember why we're fighting anymore!"

"Because Mario's all about family fun, while you only focus on running around like an idiot?"

He gasped. "How can you possibly say that?! Are you actually siding with... the enemy?!"

"Mario's not my enemy. I actually kind of like him. Being a plumber with that much style? Pretty top-notch if you ask me."

After staring at the box long and hard, Sonic went back to eating. "...Whoever assigned us together must have a disgusting sense of humor."

"That's the first smart thing you've said all week."

* * *

_**With Team Awesome...**_

"Red, I have to say this is your craziest idea yet," muttered Lucas, looking deadly serious.

The Trainer nodded, equally grave. "I know. It's almost suicidal."

"And you know what?"

"What?"

Riding on Palkia, he pulled out a Beam Sword. "It's _**AWWWSOME!**_ I mean, jousting on the epitomes of time and space from the Pokemon world? It can't get any cooler than that!"

Red also got a Beam Sword, riding on Dialga. "I know, right?! I could never do this back home without some idiot totally flipping out, so this is the perfect place! All right, now! Ready, set, go!"

The two then charged into each other with such force, they made a time paradox that was so weird, so twisted, and so totally out of whack, it couldn't be put into any amount of words. It was that bizarre.

After everything returned to whatever one would call "normal", Lucas laughed. "Hooray! My hallucination lasted longer, so I win again!"

"Aw, that's the 15th time! You're really good at this!"

Dialga sweatdropped. ("How long are you guys going to keep this up? I really don't think creating time paradoxes is the best way to spend your time.")

Palkia frowned. ("Despite our rivalry, I have to concur. If we keep doing this, something bad's bound to happen, I'm sure.")

Surveying the scene, Charizard crossed his arms. ("I've seen worse things.")

Squritle nodded. ("After being with those two for the last week, I think we can all agree on that.")

Ivysaur followed suit. ("I'm just surprised we're not used to this kind of thing by now.")

Lucas was about to suggest they joust again when something caught his eye. "Huh. That's odd... Y'know, I don't remember the grass being pink..."

Red looked up. "Or the sky being black..."

"Or upside down trees in ponds..."

"...Or the sun being a giant pencil..."

Lucas gasped. "Uh oh! Uh oh! Red! Oh no! Look what we did! Oh no!"

Red hoisted his Pokemon onto Dialga. "Quick, let's ditch the evidence!"

Palkia sighed. ("See? What'd I tell you?")

"Shush! T-there's not time for that now!" panicked Lucas. "L-let's just get outta here and blame it on a cataclysmic battle between Link and Ganondorf!"

With that, everyone ditched the scene, running backwards in the sky while swimming and baking cookies.

* * *

_**With Team Mwahaha...**_

"Please!" begged Wario. "Just one fanny slap, and that's it! Please!"

"NO!" growled Bowser, stomping away.

"But...! Chasing little boys is fun, and you know it! They're so soft and vulnerable! And watching them cry and wet them themselves when I fart in their faces is the best! And you haven't lived until you've heard them whimper and beg for mercy while I--"

Ganondorf grabbed him by the neck. "Damn it, Wario! We're not gonna chase after some snotty little kids, and that's final!"

"Stop being so apathetic! You chased after Link when he was a kid! Admit it! Remember last year?"

"That's because he's my enemy! I'm supposed to do that!"

"Well, you sure were after Young Link more than you were Link!"

He stammered. "N-no, I wasn't! A-and how would you know?! Y-you weren't even here last time!"

"Godzilla over there said so!"

Ganondorf whipped around. "YOU!"

Bowser snorted. "Well, it's true!"

"Who gave you permission to tell him my business?!"

"What business? I just said you were more intent on killing Young Link, that's all! You hardly ever took a stab at Link! ...Toon Link's not exactly safe here, either."

"Lies! All of it, lies!"

Wario rolled his eyes. "Sounds more like denial to me..."

* * *

_**With Team Slackers...**_

Wolf sighed, pulling away a charred Toon Link from a forest he randomly decided to set on fire. "Okay, kid, this is really starting to get out of hand now..."

"But the flames! THEY COMMAND ME! Being an arsonist is fun!"

Jigglypuff sweatdropped. ("Can't you stick to something more mundane? You're starting to make mass murder look bad!")

"But the coolness of my evil costume makes me even more evil! And the pigs! The pigs are evil, too!"

"Oink," evilly said the evil pigs who're apparently evil.

"Yeah, well, you should still calm down. I mean, I hijacked Falco's Landmaster and crashed it into Rayquaza's lake."

("And I took it upon myself to switch all the ladies' magenta lipstick with maroon! Ooh, I'm a bad girl!") giggled the balloon thing.

"Exactly. Can't you take a hint and do something more along those lines?"

He pouted. "But today's the last day we can forward our evil toward SEE Week! We should be doing all the low-down, double-crossing, extra dirtiest tricks in the book! C'mon, c'mon, c'mooooon! Please?!"

Jigglypuff shrugged. ("He's got a point. It's not like we can run around doing this stuff forever...")

"Okay, okay. I see what you mean... I guess we should try and live for the moment then."

Toon Link smiled. "Yeah! Let's do it!"

And with that, all three pulled out flamethrowers, mutilated the forest, blew up the remains, then got in Wolf's Arwing to bomb any unlucky sucker who dared to fall under the shadow of the aircraft.

* * *

**_With Team Slush Puppies..._**

Nana looked at the evening sky. "Guys, it's starting to get dark. Don'tcha think we should go home?"

"Aw, no! Can't we just stay out here for a little longer?" asked Popo, eating out of the dog treat bag.

"Yes, the atmosphere is quite wondrous, not to mention mysterious," added Lucario, reaching in and also chowing down on one.

"No, we--" Turning around, she sweatdropped. "Popo! _You're _not supposed to eat those!"

"But they're just so good! No wonder Lucario likes 'em! Here, try some!"

"What? No! Gimme those!" Nana took them from Popo, hitting him over the head the bag. "These are strictly for Lucario! You're not even a dog, let alone a Pokemon!"

Her partner smiled. "Hey! Don't knock 'em 'til you try 'em! They must be super dog treats or something, 'cause these things are da bomb!"

"Please! You can't possibly be talking about these things!" Nana scowled at one, reluctantly sampling it. "I mean, these things are... They're... They're...! Actually, not half-bad... Hmm..."

"See? Your usually inattentive cohort is actually right. Now..." Lucario held out a paw. "Care to share...?"

"Sure!" Sitting down with them, they all reached in and grabbed their share. "Hey, I know! Why don't we campout here tonight? These treats must be driving me mad, 'cause I actually think that's a fun idea!"

Popo laughed. "My thoughts exactly! ...Uh, I think."

Lucario snuck another treat. "I suppose I'll do whatever you want, just as long as you've got these..."

* * *

**_With Team Psycho Green Penguin..._**

"Well..." Dedede sighed, sitting on the Mother Room floor. "The winner's gonna be announced tomorrow, and we haven't done jack. Might as well kiss first prize goodbye."

"This is all Ness' fault. You know that, right?" added Luigi. "I knew he'd jinx us somehow, but not like this..."

"Of course he's a jinx! The whole house knows that!" He sweatdropped. "...But he's crazy, too. He'll kill us if we say it outloud, so--"

"I can hear you, y'know..." came Ness' voice, as he lumbered over them from the top bunk. Apparently, being in the same room with other people can also allow you to hear them. Who would've guessed?!

"Aah, run! He hungers for blood!" screamed Luigi.

As the two ran around in circles, finally flying out the door and into the hallway, Pikachu walked in, ready to rub salt in the wounds.

("Dude...")

He narrowed his eyes. "...Don't say a word."

("Then I'll say two: _epic fail_! Red destroyed you yesterday! I mean, you fell in defeat by _his _hands, not his Pokémon's! Beyond lame, man.")

"Pikachu, shut up..."

("I mean, wow! That had to be the best single and shortest fight we've had all week!")

"I'm warning you..."

("Well, since you don't wanna hear it, read this!") He dropped some papers on the ground. ("The _Smash Gazette_ never lies!")

Ness jumped down and grabbed them. "What the--?! Since when did we have a newspaper?!"

("Since you got your ass handed to you by Red!") He busted out laughing. ("Oh, you should've seen your face! The pictures are hilarious!")

"Augh, no!" He groaned. "I look like a loser! This sucks!"

("Aw, don't worry. It's only front page. In other news, Zelda's favorite color is orange, Jigglypuff is evil personified, and Fox chose Wolf over Krystal to join 'cause he felt like she'd upstage him.")

"Y'know what? Screw the trophy." He threw the paper back in Pikachu's face, resuming his brooding. "I don't want it anymore. You all stink. I'm gonna exact my revenge one day, so make a note of that."

("Quit being such a baby, Ness. So, you got owned by Red in the worst way possible; big deal. We've all had our embarrassing moments.")

"With you trying to cheer me up like this, you must have something _evil _planned."

("I do, but I'll wait until you come outta this slump to do it.")

"Wonderful." He turned over, facing the wall. "Look, why don't you do me a favor and go break your neck, or something?"

("Ah, I see. Well, that explains why you want Lucas back so bad.")

"Why?"

("'Cause without him, you're just as much as a pussy!")

Ness hadn't really planned on doing much of anything for the rest of the day, but upon hearing that, he leapt off the bed, hands ablaze. Pikachu had already disappeared down the hallway, but he could still hear him laughing.

...Oh, he was gonna get it. He was gonna get it good.

* * *

_**Day 7: The Ultimate Reckoning!**_

The next day was finally the start of what all the Smashers had been waiting for: the results of SEE Week! Nearly everyone got up extra early out of sheer anticipation. Others who were less eager had to be gently persuaded into the main front room by other means. And when I say "other means", I mean a plate of Superspicy Curry between the sheets to get them rocketing out of bed. Okay, so that's not exactly gentle, but hey, it worked.

Ness lumbered into the room, being one of several Superspicy Curry victims. All participants were required to stand in some stupid line with their stupid team to stupidly wait for Master Hand as he stupidly made his way downstairs with the stupid results in some stupid envelope. Luigi was scared stupid and Dedede was probably thinking about some stupid food. The stupid look on his stupid face sure made him look stupid. The whole thing was just so... stupid.

"Hi, hi, hi!" greeted a passing Kirby, bouncy as a... well, ball. "How's our favorite psychic doin' this morning?"

"...What do you think?"

"Oh, don't worry! At least it'll all be over after today. You've got that to look forward to, right?"

"Leave 'em alone, Kirby," said Nana, walking in with her team. "He's just mad since we've got first place wrapped up. Ha! You two are so goin' down! That trophy belongs to us!"

"Yeah!" added Popo. "You're goin' down... town! ...To buy some groceries! ...Right?"

Lucario pulled him away. "Please... It's too early in the morning for your oddities."

As he said that, beat-up and bruised Pikachu hobbled in, making his way over to Samus and acting as if nothing were wrong.

"Woah. Pikachu, what happened to you?" asked Toon Link, who, for some reason, everyone had been ignoring until now.

("Uh...") He eyed Ness who eyed him back evilly. ("Let's just say that if a psychotic, bat-wielding midget starts chasing you, run.")

"Uh, okay?"

Nana looked around. "Uh, so I think everyone's here, but I don't see Lucas and Red..."

No sooner had she said that, Dialga and Palkia crashed through the roof, the boys in question jumping off and striking ridiculously cool poses.

"Sorry for the wait!" said Red, who was chillin'. "We're always fashionably late, you see?"

"So fashionably late, sometimes, we don't even come!" twittered Lucas, dancing as if it were going out of style.

("Sorry about the roof,") apologized Dialga. ("We'll fix it later.")

Palkia looked around shadily as they flew off. ("...Maybe.")

"Uh, okay?" Toon Link couldn't think of anything else to say, so he just rehashed himself.

"Ooh, isn't this just so exciting?" piped Nana. "The suspense is killing me!"

"Not me!" said Kirby. "We've been doing great all week! There's no way we'll lose!"

Pikachu rolled his eyes. ("Yeah, yeah. Stop with the gloating already. We winners don't appreciate the losers doing that.")

Toon Link shrugged. "Well, I've got adorable animal sidekicks. That... counts for something, right?"

Lucas snapped his fingers, striding by them. "Gloating is so last Tuesday. If you were truly awesome, you'd be wishing everyone could win the trophy, not taunting them because you think it's yours."

Pikachu shooed him off. ("Ah, who asked you? Why don't you go whisper indiscreetly with Red until MH gets here?")

"That's a great idea!" said Red, pulling Lucas close. And thus began the indiscreet whispering.

The mouse's face dropped. ("Are you serious?! I was being sarcastic!")

Fortunately, it didn't last terribly long before Master Hand finally appeared, Crazy Hand twitching and carrying the results and some boxes.

"Hello, Smashers!" greeted the large, sane appendage. "Are you all excited?!"

"Yeah!" shouted 16 of the Smashers.

"Meh." Five Smashers shrugged.

"I guess so," muttered three.

"Wait, what?" Another trio cocked their heads.

"When're we gonna eat?!" growled four more.

"Whatever. Can I go back to bed now?" grumbled a pair.

"Huh?" questioned the last few.

"Uh, okay then..." Master Hand sweatdropped, pulling out the results paper. "Now, as I call out the standings, come forward with your teammates and stand over by Crazy here until everyone's been called."

"I PROBABLY WILL NOT KILL YOU!" he blurted.

He sweatdropped more. "Yes, try not to. Ahem! And now! For the moment you've all been waiting for: the results! Just remember that no matter what place you take, you're all winners to me."

Everyone softened at that. "Awwww..."

"Of course, that doesn't excuse you from the fact that whatever place you get, excluding first, there're that many Smashers who're better than you."

Everyone facefaulted. "Agh!"

"I'll justify that by starting with the second-to-last score in standings. That way, we won't find out who's the loser until the winner is revealed! How exciting!"

Ness rolled his eyes. "He just has to rub it in, doesn't he?"

Everyone suddenly ganged up on him, fingers to their lips, with a violent, _"Shhhhhhhhhhhhh!"_

Master Hand opened an envelope. "Let's see... 14th place goes to... Team Furry, with -65,500 points!"

"That's horrible!" The fox scowled at the monkey. "This is all your fault! We could've done better if you'd stayed me more than 15 minutes at a time!"

("Well, maybe I would've stayed around more if you weren't such a--!")

"Shut up! 13th place goes to... Team Fuzzy, with -18,000 points!"

Falco shrugged. "Although, I have many regrets, I have to admit we really weren't trying."

("DK just in it for the bananas anyway. Me thinks SSE Week was rigged.")

"Very well, then! 12th place goes to... Team Mr. Roboto, with -10,900 points!"

R.O.B. nodded. "AH, SO WE FAILED TO WIN THE TROPHY. I FEEL OBLIGATED TO SAY THIS WAS MY ENTIRE FAULT, BUT AT LEAST WE CAN SAY WE SUCEEDED IN FAILING. SSE WEEK STATUS: COMPLETE, WITH DISAPPOINTMENTS FEW AND INBETWEEN."

Mr. Game & Watch flipped everybody off.

"Hooray! Now, 11th place goes to... Team Miscellaneous, with -9,000 points!"

"I _told _you we were gonna lose, but I didn't think we'd lose this bad!" Sonic kicked the box. "If it wasn't for you and this stupid box--!"

Snake slammed his box in the hedgehog, KOing him. **_"WHAT PART OF 'NEVER TOUCH THE BOX' DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!"_**

"Next, 10th place goes to... Team Emerald, with a nice, even, barely tolerable 10,000 points!"

Yoshi blinked. ("We actually got points?")

Link shrugged. "I'm just as surprised as you are. Maybe it had something to do with our matching colors..."

"Your team name helped out a bit, too! And now, 9th place goes to... Team Swordplay, with 22,600 points!"

Ike was flabbergasted. "How in Aether's name did we even make it into the positives?!"

Marth smiled at himself in a mirror. "See? I told you my good looks were enough to get us on the map!"

Meta Knight crossed his arms. "...I'd like to vouch that maybe my swordsmanship was enough to get us a few points. Not enough to win, but my skills _did_ improve, so I'd consider that my prize."

"That's the sprit! Optimism is always welcome here! Now, 8th place goes to... Team Princess, with 237,900 points!"

Peach giggled. "I really have to admit that things went a lot smoother after I finally told Zelda, er, Sheik where I got all my tea from!"

Drinking some tea, Sheik sweatdropped. "Trust me, I was better off not knowing..."

"How disturbing! Anyway, 7th place goes to... Team Mwahaha, with 249,500 points!"

"7th?!" growled Bowser. "No! And that's a lucky number, too! GWARGH!"

Ganondorf shrugged. "Ah, well. It's not like losing's new to us bad guys..."

Wario pouted. "Well, we would've scored higher if we just smacked up Team Awesome like I said in the first place..."

"BOOYAH! 6th place goes to... Team Slacker, with 356,700 points!"

"Hooray!" Toon Link danced with his pigs. "The system works! We even beat the _real _bad guys!"

"Oink," said the pigs, quite evilly, I might add.

Wolf sweatdropped. "...Was it really a good idea to give him those pigs?"

Jigglypuff backed away. ("Just smile and nod, Wolf. Smile and nod...")

"Yay, oinky justice! And now, 5th place goes to... Team Slush Puppies, with 380,000 points!"

Nana smiled. "Wow! That's wonderful! We really outdid ourselves!"

Lucario nodded. "I agree with you wholeheartedly."

Popo gritted his teeth. "Nana, are we done with this yet? I really gotta walk the dog! And I don't mean Lucario this time..."

"Ew, that's gross. Anyway, 4th place goes to... Team Space Shock, with 475,380 points!"

Pikachu frowned. ("4th place?! But I wanted first! 4th is crap! I demand a recount!")

Samus hugged him. "Oh, 4th place isn't so bad. I mean, at least we had fun, right? ...Right?" She looked down to see him staring off into space again. "...Pikachu?"

"GITRDONE, Pikachu! Now, for the top three! How thrilling! Who will it be?! The brave, loyal, heroic Team Heroes?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" boasted Pit. "We saved the world, like, 200 times in the last week alone!"

"The dashingly amazing duo that is Team Awesome?"

Lucas laughed, elbowing Red. "He said 'pinky'..."

"I know, right?!" He high-fived him.

"The completely mismatched Team Captain?"

"P-please don't harm any of my Pikmin... Pretty please?" whimpered Olimar.

"Or! ...Those other guys, who obviously lost a long time ago, but are still up here for your amusement and mine?"

Ness put his hands on his hips. "Hey! That's not--!"

Again, everyone suddenly ganged up on him with a violent,_ "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh!"_

"And now... The unveiling! Soon, we will know the winner, the runner-up, that third guy, and the loser!"

If eyerolls could make a sound, about 20 of them could be heard at that point.

"3rd place goes to..."

OMG TENSION!

"...Team Heroes, with an astounding 594,000 points!"

Kirby frowned. "Gah, we tried, team. We really did... But we still failed..."

"594,000 points is awesome!" said Pit, patting Kirby on the back, making him smile. "That's almost what we needed to actually win!"

"Plus, top three is just what Team Heroes deserves! Hooray!" cheered Mario.

"Good for you! And now... time for second place! And that goes to..."

OMG TENSION!

"...Team Psycho Green Penguin?! They got 2nd?!"

You know that shocked noise Snake makes when he's spotted? With the exclamation mark? Yeah, well, everyone in the room made that noise, exclamation marks over their heads also.

"And you did it with 654,321 points?! No way! That score was completely rigged!"

"We got second? ...Uh, I mean, of course we got second!" said Ness, smiling seedily. "Maybe we're... just that good."

"And maybe you'll start showering more than once a week!"

"What?!"

"Well, I still think it was rigged, but whatever. You still didn't win, as that privilege goes to..." He tried to pause for tension, but scowls form everyone else made him sweatdrop.

"...Okay, fine! It's Team Awesome! They win with the amazing amount of... 4,078,000 points!"

Everybody drew back._** "Dayyyym!"**_

Lucas danced. "Cool beans! We did it, Red! We actually did it! We... we won!"

"Of course we won! We're Team Awesome and we always win!"

Master Hand continued. "And since there's a winner, there has to be a loser! And that loser is Team Captain! With a horrible, disgusting, repulsive, shameful score of -1,303,839 points!"

Olimar groaned, hugging Jellybeans. "Each one of the points deducted was the loss of a Pikmin... I feel so ashamed!"

"You're damn right you should feel ashamed!" Captain Falcon knocked him over. "What kinda captain are you, anyway?! Pairing up with you was the worst thing ever!"

"Congrats on winning, Lucas and Red! Team Awesome gets 100 of every Sticker from their series, 25 CDs of their choice, and to top it all off, the Tabuu trophy! Applaud them in their victory! Applaud it!"

And everyone did. Too bad only the teams from 6th place and up weren't also giving them death glares.

"Good job, everybody!" Master Hand and Crazy Hand clapped themselves together. "You did a great job this week! Free Stickers for everybody!"

"Yay!" cheered the Smashers, Stickers falling from the sky. Can't say I'm sure why, though.

"Also!" The right hand pulled out two boxes, placing one before Team Heroes. "3rd place gets 25 of every Sticker from their series!"

"Yay!" Kirby covered himself with his. "Now, I'm even cuter than ever!"

Mario declined. "You gotta be kidding me. You actually think I need more of my merchandise? Sorry, but I'll pass."

Pit shrugged. "Fan service _is_ nice. Gotta take what you can get nowadays, right?"

"2nd place gets a CD from the music collection!" he finished, giving Team Psycho Green Penguin the other box.

Pulling out a CD, Dedede smiled. "Ha! My theme! Suh-weet!"

Luigi looked his over. "I really don't see what Tetris has to do with me, but I sure can dance to this, so thanks."

"Ooh, cool!" Ness took one. "What's mine?"

Master Hand would've smiled if he were able. "Porky's Theme."

_"You freaking suck!_ I wanted the dog one and you know it! This is sh--!"

The hand ignored him. "Okay, that's it! SSE Week is officially over! Did everybody have fun?!"

"Yeah!" cheered some.

"No!" growled most.

"Good! Now go back to your usual clicks and reflect on your successes and failures! I know you've all had 'em!"

Nobody needed to be told twice, as the entire room was empty before he could finish.

"Uh, wow." He coughed awkwardly. "Uh, that went better than I thought. We should do something like this again sometime."

Crazy Hand promptly had a seizure. "COMBS TASTE LIKE PURSES, AUNT GERTRUDE!"

* * *

_**In the Mother Room...**_

"Wow... Second place, huh?" said Dedede. "Not bad, not bad at all!"

Luigi shrugged. "Eh, I always get second anyway, so..."

"Whoop-dee-doo. Now, get outta here! Go back and annoy your own roommates! Out! Move it! Out! You don't hafta go home, but you can't stay here! All right, party's over! Bye! See ya! GO!"

Throwing the two out, he slammed the door and decided to practice the art of playing a handheld while hanging upside down from the top bunk. Only cool people do that anymore. No sooner had he started, the door creaked open and Lucas snuck in.

"Hellooooo," he chirped.

Ness looked up and shuddered, but continued playing. "..."

He cleared his throat. "Uh, good job getting second place."

"..."

"...Sorry again 'bout your nose. I gotcha something, though." He placed the Tabuu trophy on the floor. "Here ya go, but you owe me one."

"What happened to 'Super Lucas' and 'Ooh, we're Team Awesome, and we're annoying!'?"

He shrugged. "Oh, I'm done with Red. SSE Week is over now, so..."

"Oh, so _now _you're coming back, huh? Now you wanna be with Anagram Kid again, huh?!" He glared. "Don't you feel any pangs of remorse at all for what you made me go through?!"

"Well, since you brought it all upon yourself, not really, no."

He crossed his arms. "Then I don't accept your apology."

"Okay, well..." He grabbed the Tabuu trophy. "Guess I'll just take this and--"

Ness accidentally let go of the bed and fell in a heap on the floor. Quickly recovering, he rushed over. "Okay! Okay! Fine, you win!"

"I'm glad you see it that way." He smirked. "You should, after what I did for your team."

"Whaddaya mean by that?"

"Remember the score? Master Hand was right; it was rigged! Red and I used the awesome skills of our teamwork to hack into the points system and give you extra points!"

"You cheated? For us? Why?"

"Well, I felt bad after getting you in trouble with MH, so consider that an apology. Plus, -3,904,394 is... downright horrible."

"So, why don't you want the trophy? I mean, you did win it fair and square."

Lucas frowned at it. "Are you kidding? This guy gave me nightmares two weeks straight! Whips are scary. Naked people are scary. Action Replay is scary, and he reeks of all three. Apparently, Red feels the same way, so I'm going to be a nice person and give it to you. Red taught me that it's always better to give than receive!"

"Sweet!" Ness was about to take it, but hesitated. "Wait a sec... There's gotta be a catch. Nothing's ever straightforward with you."

He smiled. "Well..."

"...I knew it."

"You can have the trophy on one condition: I'm gonna say something that's all too true to you, but you can't hurt me for it. It's something that, after this week, I think everyone in the house should know by now."

"Well... fine, whatever. Can't be that bad."

Lucas then motioned for him to come over and whispered ever so gently:

_"I own you."_

He barely had time to pull away before Ness had grabbed his shirt, ready to go homicidal on his ass.

He wriggled in fear. "N-now, wait a minute! R-remember what I said! N-no killing, or I'm taking it back!"

"**_Y-you! I--! Gr--J--RRRRRGH!_** ...Excuse me for a sec."

Ness then calmly walked out the room, smiling evilly. Lucas peeked out to see him make his way to the Mario Room, knocking on the door.

* * *

Inside the room, Luigi perked up at the knocking. Unfortunately, he was the furthest from the door and unable to get it.

Noticing no one else was even bothering to answer it, he frowned. "Uh, think you guys can get that?"

"Sorry," said Peach, painting her nails on her bed, "SSE Week really took a lot out of me, so I'm taking this time to relax at the moment. I _am_ a princess, after all. Uh, can you get it, Bowser?"

Reclining on his bed, he ruffled the papers of the _Smash Gazette_. "Oh, sorry. Kings don't answer doors. Plus, I'm busy reading about pwnage. Mario, you get it."

"Sorry, heroes don't answer doors, either," responded Mario, playing "Super Mario 64". "Plus, I'm doing a speed run. Trying to beat this in less than 5 minutes. It can be done, I know it. Hey, Bro. You're not doing anything important. You get it."

"But I'm the furthest away from the door! You're almost right in front of it!"

Mario scoffed, eyes glued to the screen. "Oh, well, excuse us for asking you to take a few seconds out of your busy life to do the simplest thing! And I'm telling you right now; if I mess up this speed run, someone's gonna get hurt, most likely you."

"Fine! Buncha lazy, no-good..." he grumbled, trekking through the room over a countless amount of Mario related items. It was like at least one item from every game was on the floor, so this was easier said than done. Finally reaching the door, he opened it.

"Yeah, hello? Oh, Ness, hi--**_YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"_**

And yes, he actually had a reason to make that noise, mostly because Ness had pounced on him like a wild, rabid banshee and was currently acting as such. It was almost inhumane and not for the faint of heart.

"Ooh... well..." Peach's eyes widened at the scene. "Looks like someone's not happy with getting second."

Bowser shrugged and went back to reading. "Crazy kids."

"Uh, I can't see what's going on right now, but Luigi, you and Ness stop roughhousing. It's all fun and games until someone loses an artery..." said Mario, still playing.

* * *

_**Back in the Mother Room...**_

"Hey, Red..." whispered Lucas.

"Yeah?" The Trainer appeared from the shadows. It was almost as if he was a child molester.

He slipped him some Smash Coins. "Thanks a lot. You were a big help. Here're the coins I owe you."

"Oh, no, no, no. I can't take that from a friend. It was my pleasure knocking some sense in Ness. He really needed it."

"...You're one of the good ones, Red." Lucas made a face that one could only describe as... suave. "We're gonna have to do this again... _real_ soon."

* * *

**_Authoress Notes_****_:_**_ Kinda weird how everyone in the gang got the top 6 standings, huh? I smell intrigue..._


	18. Spider Pig Fails to See the Error of His

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**__ Sorry for the long wait; summer and turning 19 made me lazy. This chapter used to have a plot, but it seems to've up and disappeared. Shame, too, seeing as it's a Porky chapter._

_Also, from now until the end of the story, whenever I upload a new chapter, I'll change the fic description to give small synopsis of it. Of course, since they won't stay up forever, I'll also be posting them in here for reference... or whatever. No more opening notes from me for the rest of the story, unless you count a synopsis as notes. Oh, well. Carry on, then. :)_

_Feeling bad about Ness' hardships last week, Lucas humors him by acting like a total spaz. Madness ensues and Ness gets mad. Also, Porky shows up, but nobody cares. In other news, Kirby reestablishes the plot! ...This story had a plot?_

* * *

_**What Goes On**_

_**Chapter 18: **__Spider Pig Fails to See the Error of His Ways_

* * *

"To sleep, perchance to dream." Ness never understood what that phrase meant, but something told him he should consider taking it seriously. He was forced to ponder this as he jammed his pillow over his head to muffle out what had to be the most annoying alarm clock in the world.

"Hey, Ness! Ness! Ness! Ness! Ness! Ness! Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeess! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up!"

"_All right, I'm up! Shut up!"_ Finally fed up with his nonsense, Ness slapped the pillow over Lucas' head, sending a flurry of feathers everywhere.

"...Okay," he coughed awkwardly, the feathers also to blame for his hacking.

"...Now I'm gonna give you 5 seconds to explain why I shouldn't string you up by you underwear in the girl's bathroom..."

"Guess what today is!"

He rubbed his eyes. "Sunday... The one day where, under no circumstance, should anyone get up before noon?"

"Well, yeah, but..." He threw the pillow off. "I feel bad that I got you in trouble almost all of last week... Allow me to make up to you by taking you out on a friendly romp through the front yard! Y'know, everyone's on a picnic today. Not sure why, though."

"...No." Irritated, Ness grabbed him. "Last time I checked, I still have a shred of dignity left."

"You hang out with me; you don't have any dignity."

He twitched. "...I don't know whether to hit you for making sense, or hit you because that's true."

"How about neither?"

"Fair enough." He dropped him off the bunk and to the floor.

"Ow, brain trauma..." He smiled painfully. "But that okay, 'cause I gotcha a present. Just to show you how sorry I am!"

Leaning on his arm on the mattress, Ness sighed. "You've already proven that more than enough..."

Lucas ran outside, quickly coming back in with a rope, smiling. "Remember that Towtow I saw in the lunchroom about a week ago?"

"...This isn't gonna end well, is it?"

He pulled on the rope and said Towtow entered, a big, red bow on her head. "Ta-da!"

"...You have got to be kidding me."

"Nope! This is the very same one we saw that day!" He pet her head. "She's been running loose ever since, so I caught her and decided to give her to you! Pretty boss, huh?"

"Well, you could've done worse..." He shuddered at the thought.

Frou-Frou approached. "Why, hello there. It's so super nice to meet you. I just know we'll have such fun together, friend."

Ness made a face. "I see your personality rubbed off on her."

"No," answered his roommate, somehow appearing back on the bed. "Apparently, Towtows are always in a good mood if waken up gently. Imagine that."

"Whatever."

Just then, everyone in the room who was in their PJs magically changed into the clothes. Of course, since this tends to happen from time to time, no one paid it any mind.

Lucas continued, albeit a little freaked. "...Like I was saying, I'm gonna be the better man and show you that Red and I were simply going with the SSE Week flow! Red's a real nice guy and all, but I think he might be coming on to me. He's so... clingy!"

Ness rolled his eyes, which must've looked incredibly freaky. "Like you're one to talk."

He pouted. "I'm not clingy; I just desire to remain emotionally attached to others, resisting separation."

"WTF? That's what it means!"

"Yeah, well... My way sounded prettier."

"...Has anyone, anyone at all, ever suggested you go into a long, drawn-out session of therapy?"

"Do the same people telling me countless times count?"

* * *

_**Sometime later, NOT in the lunchroom, but outside as a change of pace...**_

"Hey, guys." Ness looked around at the several picnics and Smashers on the lawn. "Um, since when do we have spontaneously-made picnics?"

Pikachu shrugged. ("Since now, apparently.")

"Master Hand's idea. Said it would 'enhance the consumption experience', or something," said Nana.

Toon Link scratched his head. "Maybe he just wants to take the tournament in another direction."

Popo suddenly jumped up from a stupor. "Another direction?! Like, you mean, turning around?! O-or going back in time?!"

"...No, just in... another direction."

"Augh! I knew something was afoot! ...Or ahead!" He looked around warily. "Trust no one! Believe no one! Don't eat stinky cheese waffles!"

"Uh..." The smaller Link inched away. "Okay?"

"I don't really mind it," said Kirby, sucking up his food. "I think it's nice. The sun'll really light up my cute features out here!"

Pikachu made a face. ("Speaking of that, why's the wuss back here? Where's Red, your bestest best _buddy_?")

Lucas shrugged. "We went our separate ways. Red said he's way behind in training, so he should be running around here somewhere."

Just as he said that, Red suddenly jumped out of bushes, slapping his largest Pokemon's back. "Up the butt, Charizard!"

The dragon blinked. ("Are you coming onto me?")

"If I say yes, would it make this situation any more awkward?"

("I would think so.")

"Then yes!"

...After a long round of silence, Toon Link cleared his throat. "Uh, hey, Ness. Didja know there's a Towtow following you around?"

Pikachu looked up from a cheeseburger. ("Yeah, get that thing away from the food before it trashes everything.")

"'It' is a 'she', and _her _name is Frou-Frou. See, 'cause she's a present for Ness I gave to him to say sorry for all of last week. Even though he doesn't look it..." Lucas looked around, then whispered, _"He's very sensitive about the wellbeing of his pussy."_

Pikachu lowered his ears. ("...Uh, was I supposed to know that...?")

Ness nearly had a stroke. "_**POSSE!**_ The word is _**POSSE!**_ You loser, I cannot believe you just said that!"

"Oh." He shrugged. "Aw, no biggie."

"Yes, biggie! You don't run around saying stuff like that to people--"

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! That reminds me! Ness, you wanna see something cool?!"

He frowned. "No."

"Okay, look! Frou-Frou, come here, girl!"

She galloped over. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?"

He put a hot dog on her, uh, nose. "Don't eat it!"

"Okay!"

Seconds passed before he said, "Okay, now eat it!"

She ate it. "Mmm! Delectable!"

Lucas beamed. "Good girl! See, Ness? Isn't that cool?"

"No."

He pouted. "But... why?"

"'Cause it's stupid."

"But... why?"

"'Cause it's dumb."

"But... why?"

Ness kneaded his forehead. "Please stop talking."

"But... why?"

"...Are you trying to make up to me by getting on my nerves even more than usual?"

"If I say yes, would it make this situation any more awkward?"

"Okay, that's not even funny. Red _just _got done saying that!"

"So?"

"So stop acting like a spaz!" He grabbed a random food-like object. "It's getting irritating."

"But... why?"

He groaned. "Ugh, where's Sandbag when you need 'em?"

Kirby played with a napkin. "Probably playing with Schlemiel. Not having arms isn't gonna stop him from having fun!"

The kid in the cap dropped his food-like object. "Ahh! Holy crap! I totally forgot!"

"That Sandbag doesn't have any arms?" guessed Nana. "Yeah, he sure does get around--"

"No, about Schlemiel! Stupid SSE Week! I--! You--! I mean,_ we _forgot all about it! Anyone know how long's it been since we broke him?"

Kirby counted on his non-existent fingers. "Er, about 2 weeks, give or take. Maybe 13-15 days?"

Ness jumped up, nearly knocking over everyone else's lunch. "Quick! Drop everything and get back in the house! We can't be lollygagging out here! Let's go!"

Pikachu shook it off. ("Aw, relax. If no one noticed for the last 2 weeks, who's gonna notice now?")

"SSE Week was a nice distraction, but now that it's done, people are gonna start getting bored, and when they start getting bored, they go to Schlemiel, and when they find out he's gone, Marth'll spill the beans and it's game over, man! Game over!"

"And we still haven't had any official brawls yet," mused Nana. "That's beyond strange."

"Exactly, so let's get our butts in gear and go before anyone asks if we would like to play!"

Toon Link scowled. "Ooh, I hate that joke."

The blond tugged on Ness. "But... why?"

"Lucas, last time I'm gonna tell you; stop doing that."

"But... wh--?" Lucas found himself cut off as Ness thumped him on the head with his bat.

"That's why! Now stop, or it's gonna be a lot harder next time!"

"_Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"_ He rubbed his head, whining. "You're mean! I'm telling!"

"Oh, come on. It was just a little tap on the--" Ness also found himself cut off as Lucas retailed by bopping him on the head with his stick, albeit much lighter.

"Yeah! So, y'know, take that."

Ness was clearly shocked at this retaliation, so he did the only thing an irrational teenager boy _would _do at a time like this; hit somebody with a blunt object. Lucas didn't take too kindly to this and hit, er, tapped him back. Ness narrowed his eyes, as did Lucas.

And thus began the fiercest battle of wood ever! ...Well, it would've been if the fighters weren't aimlessly waving their weapons at each other, an eye closed and half of them wanting to get away from the whole thing.

Pikachu shook his head. ("Wow, this is just sad.")

"For us or them?" asked Nana.

"Pretty much everyone out here," added Toon Link.

Just then, Porky and Fluffykins appeared out of nowhere! I mean, literally. No explosions, no special effects, nothing. They just sorta, kinda... appeared. Weird.

"BOOYAH!" laughed Porky, jumping out of his machine. "Look who's back, baby! Yeah! Who da man?! I da man! Let's bust some heads! Yeah!"

Fluffykins made himself known. "And I have returned, as well."

Nana groaned. "And so, the plot thickens..."

Kirby waved. "Hi, guys! Finally came back to wreak havoc, I see! It's been a while, huh?"

("Don't you two have somewhere else to be?") asked Pikachu. ("Y'know, like, anywhere but here?")

"And here I thought we were rid of you guys. Where were you all of last week?" inquired Toon Link.

Porky shrugged. "Meh, I got lazy."

Everyone expect Popo and the dueling psychics facefaulted, showed their irritation by spouting, "Aw, come on!"

The male Ice Climber whipped around from another stupor. "Wait a minute! Do it again! I wasn't looking!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, we're in a fight, so don't bother us!" growled Ness.

"Yeah, we're fighting!" added Lucas. "And it's gonna get really wicked up in here in a second!"

"Fighting?" Porky snorted. "You're joking, right? I've gotten into fights with old people worse than this!"

"...He's right! What am I doing?" Ness backed away. "I had no part of this! He started it!"

Lucas gasped. "Now you're making false claims? Really, Ness, I expected better of you! How rude!"

"Oh, I see. It's one of _those _fights." Their adversary folded his arms and nodded. "Yeah, I've seen these kinds of fights before and I often start them, so I know how to settle this."

Ness looked to him. "How?"

"The obvious answer is... that you _both_ suck and should simply surrender to me!" He ordered Fluffykins to grab them... somehow. "All right! Now you're both mine!"

"Oh noes! We're being abducted!" Lucas wriggled about. "Frou-Frou, do something!"

She blinked cutely. "Like what?"

"Also get stolen?" suggested Porky.

"Ooh, sounds like fun!" She joined the two in captivity. "Ready when you are!"

Ness shook his head. "Wow, even your presents are pathetic."

"Again with the offensive comments? I have feelings, too, y'know!"

"Lucas, I talk trash about you everyday; everyone does. What's the big deal?"

"Hello, I'm trying to abduct you and kill you here!" interrupted Porky.

Ness cut him off. "Stay outta this! When I'm done with him, you're next!"

Lucas rolled his eyes. "You always solve your problems with violence! That's, like, your middle name, or something! What's your problem?"

"What's_ your_ problem?!"

"I asked you first!"

"Well, I _am_ first!"

"Well, being first isn't always a good thing, y'know!"

"Well, you _would _know about that, seeing as it's your specialty... Loser!"

Confused, Porky meekly raised a finger. "Uh, can I say something?"

Ness ignored him. "Lucas, everyone talks about you. Everyday, all the time. You never minded it before, so what's the big deal now?"

Lucas scoffed. "Because I'm starting to think you really mean it!"

("Yeah, but we talk about everyone,") interjected Pikachu. ("We make fun of each other, fight over it, then laugh afterwards. Trust me; I've been doing all three in every single tournament.")

"Then prove it."

"Excuse me?" put in Porky, once again. "Evil overlord trying to rule the world here? I've got things to do, so..."

The mouse pondered. ("Well, let's see... Ooh, I know! Don'tcha think Snake and Samus are so full of themselves, and Bowser's the absolute worst bad guy ever? How many times has he lost Peach now?")

A few meters away, Bowser dropped his ham sandwich. "Say what?! I didn't _lose _Peach; Mario keeps stealing her from me! The nerve of that little fuzzball!"

A cardboard box turned to Samus. "...Huh. Am I really that much of a bad influence? Or is it something else?"

Samus readied her gun. "Let's just say you should get ready for some serious target practice..."

The fuzzball went on. ("Yeah! And don't even get me started on the Loser Patrol, aka, Captain Falcon and Olimar!")

"And what about Game & Watch? Can you say 'rehashed'? And who does Lucario think he is, the new Mewtwo? Hardly."

Mr. Game & Watch rang his bell angrily.

Hearing this, Caption Falcon got into a ridiculous stance. "The Falcon also disagrees with the stupid little kids over there! They know nothing, do you hear the Falcon? Nothing!"

Lucario groaned. ("Please stop referring to yourself like that. It's beyond. And yes, those two are going down, that I promise you.")

The Pikmin commander shook his head. "Oh, great. Now, even the _fauna's_ talking about us!"

Jellybeans tried to appease him. ("Don't worry, Olimar. Just think karma. They'll get theirs soon enough, and we'll be the ones giving it to them.")

"Hey, what about R.O.B.? That guy's a freakin' robot! Who's idea was it to invite him? And do we really need Red around? Pokemon aren't _that _stupid! Why couldn't we just get Charizard and call it a day?"

Pikachu nodded. ("That's what _I_ said! And what's with the Kong duo? Do we really need _two _monkeys here? One's big and smelly, and the other's annoying and loud! What's the point?")

R.O.B.'s head did a 360, which was the only real way he could show emotion. "SMASHER #016, NESS AND SMASHER #009, PIKACHU HAVE AFFRONTED MY ENTIRE BEING WITH THEIR CARELESS OPINIONS. IMMANENT FRONTAL ASSAULT IN APPROXIMATELY 201 SECONDS AND COUNTING."

"Hey!" Red shouted, pointing over in their general direction. "Charizard! Did you hear that? How dare they talk about your beloved trainer that way? Go show 'em what for with your Flamethrower attack!"

He smirked. ("Why? It's not like they insulted_ me_, or anything.")

Squirtle glared at him. ("Oh, and what're we? Chopped liver?")

("Pretty much,") sighed Ivysaur.

A few feet off, DK pouted. ("Ooh! How dare they? How they talk bout DK and buddy like that?! DK not smelly!")

_("I'm not loud!")_ screeched Diddy. ("The little punks! I outta go over there and bust a cap in their ass, that's what I outta do!")

Pikachu went on. ("And then there's Link, who just _has_ to remind everybody that he's got a sword and he ain't afraid to use it.")

Ness scoffed in agreement. "Yeah, you'd think he'd be able to relay that without screaming his head off half the time."

("You got that right. And I have to say Ganondorf's just a shell of his former self this time around. We've already got our hands full with idiots like Falcon, so we don't need another 'bad guy' bent on world domination trying to gum up the works.")

In the middle of a sparing match with the King of Evil, Link stopped and gasped. "Hey, wait a minute! What those kids just said! It's not true, is it? I don't yell that much! ...Do I?"

"As a matter of fact, you do. But it's what they said about _me_ that's nowhere near accurate!" He cracked his knuckles. "And I'm about to give them the beatdown to prove it!"

"Speaking of gumming up the works, does Sonic get along with _anyone _here, or is he just gonna have a beef with all of us until he goes home?"

("Most likely the latter. Nobody really liked him to begin with, not to mention he's a total ass.")

In a tree, Sonic crossed his arms. "I'm not an ass; it's everyone else who're the asses! Not me! Uh-unh! No way! Not my fault this competition's full of slow losers who can't step it up!"

Pikachu bounced up and down, now on a roll. ("And you know what else? Pretty boys like Marth and Pit have no business acting the way they do. It's downright disgusting. I mean, at least Lucas isn't vain. Desperate, maybe, but not vain.")

"Don't forget Ike; he's in there, too, no matter how much he claims he's not. And y'know, he always says he fights for his friends, but he doesn't even like Team Battles. On the contrary, Meta Knight's such a lone wolf, but he loves it! What's up with that?"

Pit looked hurt. "Well, that's not true..."

Marth jumped up. "I say! Sully our good names with slander, will you?!"

"..." Ike was speechless.

"..." Meta Knight tried to disregard it, but looked quite pissed.

Ness idly played with a yo-yo. "Also, I don't care how cute she thinks she is, Jigglypuff is pure evil, and so is Peach, with her demonic tea! And Zelda needs to get her act together, because with her and Sheik running around, I'm starting to get sexually confused!"

Peach frowned. "Now that was just uncalled for!"

("Yeah!") added a nearby Jigglypuff. ("I'm not even officially evil yet! Talk about rude!")

Zelda stomped her foot. "Why doesn't anyone ever except me and my customs?! At least I was trying to go for something different!"

With a sly smirk, Pikachu elbowed Ness. ("And Fox must be afraid of women; that's why Wolf's here and Falco's back. All three of them hate each other, and yet, they never seem to be apart! What's up with _that_? Where's Krystal?")

Merely meters away, the vulpine started sweating bullets. "N-no! It's not like that! S-she never called me back, I swear!"

Falco quickly nodded. "Yeah, and I still hate you!" He pointed at Wolf. "And you, too!"

"And I hate everybody!" shouted Wolf, jumping up. "So, that excuses me, right?"

The Pokemon continued. ("Mario and I must be kindred spirits, or something. He's _always_ the star, but has nothing to show for it. Saving Peach doesn't count anymore. I mean, when was the last time he unclogged something? Oh, and don't even get me started on Yoshi. I know dinosaurs have small brains, but isn't he stretching it a bit too far?")

Strolling by with the plumber, Yoshi stopped dead in his tracks. ("Hey, that's not nice! Plus, I'm a dragon, thank you very much!")

Mario made a face. "Do you really expect anyone to believe that? I've been with you for year, and even_ I_ think it's a load of hooey."

"Last and certainly least, Luigi is more pathetic than ever," laughed Ness, somewhat speaking from experience. "And Dedede's an even worse bad guy than Bowser; he actually _helps_ Kirby on a regular basis! Pretty lame..."

"Weegee's not that lame!" remarked Luigi, taking on the form of a very disturbed-looking caricature of himself. "He's not! He's really not!"

Dedede slammed his hammer down. "That little runt! I never said I was a bad guy! Talk about bias!"

Lucas blinked, shocked at all the slander and disdain. "Huh. I never knew there were that many faults with everyone else. Sheesh, what a bunch of freaks. Compared to all that, I'm pretty much the only normal guy here! Yay, normality! Er, I mean, normal for here, anyway..."

Nana sweatdropped. "...Is there an end to any of this?"

Toon Link and Kirby shook their heads, speaking in unison. "No, not really. None in sight."

Popo randomly appeared again, looking none too pleased. "You guys are starting to drive me insane_! What're you hiding form me?!"_

"All right! Enough already!" barked Porky. "The insults were fun while they lasted, but you're all way overdue for a complete and total thrashing by yours truly!"

His rival disapproved. "Oh, and I bet you think you're just gonna waltz on in here and blow us all to smithereens, huh? Don't you have anything better to do than pester us?"

("Yeah.") Pikachu waved him off. ("We're in the middle of a perfectly good session of laughing at other people's expenses now, so why don't you put an egg in your shoe and beat it?")

"Hey, I can come and go as I please! You dorks can't tell me what to do! Good guys, these days! Can't you show your villains a little respect?!"

"No," retorted Ness. "Just look behind you."

"Huh? Why?" He turned to all the now-pissed Smashers. "Hey, what's this? Some kind of intervention, 'cause if it is, you'll never take me alive!"

"No, it's not an intervention, but when we're done with you little brats, you're gonna wish it was!" spat Dedede.

("Besides, who ever said we wanted to take you alive, anyway?") quipped Diddy.

Lucario's aura flared. ("Ness and Pikachu, we all happened to hear your little conversation on all of us...")

"And we didn't like it one bit," added Zelda.

"So, prepare yourself..." growled Ike.

"'Cause we're gonna make you eat those words..." Bowser promised.

"...And a few other unpleasant things," finished Olimar, feeling obligated to at least _sound_ threatening.

("Mm, okay?") responded the standoffish Pikachu.

Ganondorf approached. "Well? Anything you wanna say before we beat you two to bloody, lifeless pulps?"

Ness looked around. "Uh, we didn't mean any that stuff 'cause... Porky made us do it?"

Everyone instantly shot their glares at him, not about to put such a thing past the piggy dictator.

He shrugged. "Well, in my defense, that's a big, fat lie... But all that stuff they said about you guys is probably true, nonetheless. You're all losers, the lot of you."

"...Let's get 'em!" someone randomly shouted.

And that they did. Unfortunately, everyone was too cheesed off to notice they'd completely missed their target and were only fighting amongst themselves in a large dust cloud of utter and absolute nonsense.

"Okay, now I _know _all that stuff you said was true. I mean, not like I didn't before, but this further backs up what I've already claimed to be true, and because of that--"

"Oh, just stop!" demanded Ness, tearing away from Fluffykins. "This has gone on long enough! Just go away already!"

Lucas casually strolled away and over to a dozing Frou-Frou. "Yeah, uh, are we gonna have an anticlimactic ending now, or what?"

"Oh, it's not over yet, losers! I've barely gotten started! Now comes the fun part! Sic 'em, Fluffykins!"

The monster-like thing obeyed. "_S__í__, Rey_ Porky."

"Ahh!" Lucas squealed. He scrambled to escape, but due to his horrible luck with running away from things, he tripped over a blade of grass and ran into Frou-Frou, waking her quite roughly.

"_**GRR!"**_ She growled, snorting and snarling._** "WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER?!"**_

"T'was not I, but I am seeking the little morsel sniveling behind you," responded Fluffykins.

"_**LIAR! YOU DID IT! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WOKE ME UP! PREPARE TO DIE!"**_

"Then, a fight _a la muerte _it shall be!"

"_**RAWR!"**_ Frou-Frou began charging._** "YOU'VE MESSED WITH THE WRONG GIRL TODAY, YOU!"**_

"I apologize, but it is I who shall victorious, for I am invincible, you see."

"_**GRRRRRRRRRRR!"**_ Frou-Frou rammed into him. _**"THEN TAKE THAT!"**_

Fluffykins was about to retaliate when he suddenly stopped in his tracks. "Ooh,_ uno momento, por favor... _Your brutality... It is, how do you say... _muy_ beautiful, no?

"_**GRRRRRRRRRR--**_Really?"

Ness facepalmed himself. "...Now I've seen everything."

Lucas swooned. "Aw, well would you look at that? Frou-Frou's in love! Aww..."

"Hey, Fluffykins!" called Porky. "Whaddya think you're doing! She should be a rack of lamb by now! Go! Kill! Attack!"

"I apologize, _Rey _Porky, but I must concede defeat."

He frowned. "What?! Why?!"

"For she is too beautiful to attack or harm in any way. Never have I seen such atrocious anger, such livid fury, such raging madness! She is truly a work of art!"

She gushed. "Aw, I bet you say that to all the evil, demonic sheep!"

"I assure you that I do not." He stood by her side. "Come, let us ride off into the sunset together, _mi amor_. I cannot stand to live without you even for a second longer!"

"Ooh, cool! Yay, let's go!"

So, the two galloped off into the sunset, which was physically impossible, since all this happened around two in the afternoon. Oh, well. Lucas the only one who noticed this anyway.

"Hey! No!" Porky jumped up and down angrily as they disappeared from sight. "Fluffykins! You can't do this to me! I am your master! Your creator! Your _king_! You can't just leave me hangin'!"

"Hah! Your plan failed, loser!" mocked Ness. "Whatcha gonna do now?"

"Meh! Forget Fluffy!" Porky put up his dukes. "I can still pwn you with my 1337 uber hax skillz!1!"

"I bet you don't even have any 1337 uber hax skillz, do you?"

He dropped his fighting stance. "...No."

"Didn't think so."

"Hey, look!" Lucas randomly pointed up. "It's Master Hand!"

"Well! Everybody limbo!" sarcastically added Ness.

He raised an eyebrow. "Your sarcasm is appalling."

The hand tightened into a fist. "How many times do I have to kill you before you stop trying to kill my Smashers?! I could sue you for attempted kidnapping and murder, you know!"

Porky frowned. "I'm the bad guy! That's what I'm_ supposed_ to do!"

"Not while they're in the tournament!" He pointed at him. "Now, die!"

"Sorry, but I'm gonna hafta make like a tree and leave!" He summoned his spider mech thingy and jumped inside. "Smell ya later, loser!"

"Uh, don'tcha mean 'Make like a tree and leaf'?" inquired Lucas. "That makes more sense..."

Ness shook his head. "Wow, that was beyond lame."

"Shut up! Don't patronize me!" With that, Porky pushed a button and magically disappeared in a badly-drawn poof of smoke. Exactly how is anyone's guess.

"Now that he's gone..." He faced the combatants. "What's all the fuss about? I could hear you about a mile away! Since when're picnics--?"

Much to his assumed dismay, the Smashers were currently too busy fighting to listen, still trying to release the pent-up anger of being insulted by a bratty, little snot-nosed kid. Whether it was really Porky or Ness, they weren't sure, but at this point, it didn't even matter.

"Huh." The hand sweatdropped and floated off. "Er, I guess I can't object to this now, can I? Oh, well. Crazy! Bring the popcorn around! We got a big tussle out here! And make sure you put_ butter_ on it this time, not taco sauce!"

Ness shrugged. "Er, this isn't exactly the response I was going for, but..."

"All's well that ends well?" asked Toon Link.

"Well, I'd like think so!" happily assured Kirby.

Pikachu opened a can of soda. ("Yeah, sure, whatever.")

Lucas straightened his already insanely-perfect hair. "Oh, okay."

Nana kicked a rock. "...So, now what?"

Popo scratched his head. "You spin me right round, baby? Right round, like a record player? ...Right round, round, round?"

Everyone stared long and hard at him before Ness ran off after Master Hand. "...Hey, MH! Uh, you gonna share that popcorn?"

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**__ Wow, I haven't felt this off-balance since Chapter 6. Oh, well. Next chapter will definitely make up for it. _


	19. This Way to Lack of Common Sense!

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**__ Dinnertime is a time of dinner for our favorite ragtag group, but when Ness scares a timid Manaphy, everyone at the table pays for it by switching bodies! Includes overeating, problems going to the bathroom, and masculinity issues. _

* * *

_**What Goes On**_

_**Chapter 19:**__ This Way to Lack of Common Sense!_

* * *

_**Later that day, at dinner...**_

("...And then, I was all, 'Hey, you don't look so good. Maybe you should take some medicine!' Hahahaha!")

Nana rolled her eyes. "Pikachu, that joke doesn't make any sense."

("Your face doesn't make any sense! That crack was funny, and you know it!")

"Maybe you're just losing your edge," remarked Ness.

Before Pikachu could retort, Lucas popped up. "Hiiiiiiiiii, Ness!"

"...Hi, Lucas..."

" Wow, I am in such a good mood now! First, I gave you Frou-Frou and you luved it, then we totally got on the same wavelength and on the same terms, then Frou-Frou found true love in Fluffykins, Porky got pwned, and everybody got into a big fight while we watched and ate popcorn! Wasn't today just so super happy delicious fun?!"

"...No."

"Hahaha! Good ol' Ness! Such a kidder!" He ducked under the table. "My hair is a secret agent now. Fear it!"

"Wonderful..." He turned to Nana. "Quick! While he's distracted! Gimme a good idea on how to get Schlemiel back!"

She frowned. "Ness, if I didn't know what to do 2 weeks ago, what makes you think I know now?"

"I don't know! Just use your woman's institution!"

She frowned. "...Intuition..."

"Whatever!"

"Hey, Ness," giggled Lucas from under the table. "Hey, Ness. Hey, Ness. Hey, Ness. Hey, Ness."

He rubbed his head in frustration. "...What?"

"I can see you in my secret hidey-hole. Down here, I am invincible."

"Good for you." He looked around. "C'mon, somebody's gotta have somethin'! I'm open to suggestions..."

Kirby shrugged. "Not me. I'm not feeling very productive right now..."

Pikachu shook his head. ("I'm not inclined to care anymore. I can always just frame you guys if I want.")

"CHOCOLATE DUMPLINGS!" screamed Popo.

"...No comment," finished Toon Link.

He pouted. "...Just super. You're all a buncha idiots. I still don't know why I hang out with you freaks."

"Because we make you look good," said Kirby.

"Nope! Ness does that all on his own!" Under the table, Lucas smiled. "...Hey, Ness. Hey, Ness. Hey, Ness. Hey, Ness. Hey, Ness. Hey, Ness. Hey, Ness. Hey, Ness. Hey, Ness."

He gritted his teeth._ "What?!"_

"...Hi."

"_Get over here!"_ He grabbed his arm and yanked him up and back into his seat.

"Ow! You're squeezing my arm! No! Don't hit me! Nooooooooo!" He pouted. "If it makes you feel any better, I found something..."

"Well, what is it?!"

He pulled out a Poké Ball. "See? Cool, huh? Wanna play hackey sack with it?"

"Gimme that!" He took it. "Now, sit down, eat, and stop acting so predictable!"

"Aw... Meanie-butt..."

("Huh, that's strange. A Poké Ball out here? Lemme see it,") Pikachu motioned for it. ("It's one of my brethren, so I should get control of it.")

"No," Ness pulled it away. "I'll give it to MH next time I see him and he'll put it back where it belongs. It's probably empty, anyway."

("I don't care; lemme see.")

"Did you not just hear what I said?"

("Yeah, but I don't care! Now, give it!")

"No!"

"Ooh! Hey, Ness!" interjected Lucas, latching onto his shoulders. "Guess what?!"

"_Ahh!"_ In shock and surprise, Ness threw the Poké Ball, causing it to fall and hit the floor, opening upon impact. This all led to the release of a certain blue, pixie-like Pokémon.

("Hello, all! It's time to brawl!") he squealed, giggling afterwards.

("Oh, it's just Manaphy.") Pikachu turned to Ness. ("And here you said it was empty.")

Ness sighed. "I said it was _probably_--"

("Shut up!")

Manaphy frowned. ("Oh my, what's this? No brawl? What a shame. Then, why was I summoned?")

Pikachu waved it off. ("False alarm. They tend to happen from time to time. But since you're already out, why not have dinner with us?")

Ness frowned. "Ew, no! Don't let that eat from the table! We could all get horrible diseases and die!"

"Yeah," added Nana, "isn't that, like, illegal, or something?"

("Not if I say so,") responded the mouse.

("Hooray!") Manaphy plopped on the table in-between Ness and Lucas. ("So, what're we having?")

"Welllllllllll," chirped Lucas, "today's Pizza Day! The main course is pizza with salad on the side, along with some fabulous side dishes like spaghetti, ravioli, cheeseburgers, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, and chicken nuggets! All this and cheesecake for dessert!"

("...") Manaphy stared at him long and hard, along with everyone else, until he suddenly decided he wanted pizza, taking Ness'. ("Mine!")

"Hey, that's my food!" Ness scrambled to grab it back. "Give it back! Get your own!"

Seeing his reaction, Manaphy promptly licked the pizza slice, handing it back. ("Here you go! Enjoy!")

Ness frowned. "Okay, now that was just plain evil right there..."

("Well, maybe if you weren't such a loser, Manaphy wouldn't have done that. C'mon, that's the only reason he ever would've even touched that slop you call food,") remarked Pikachu.

"Really, now?" The psychic grabbed one of Manaphy's antenna. "Well, since you stole my food, I shall steal your soul with my piercing glare of doom! Prepare to twinge in fear of the unreflecting of my gaze!"

Nana rolled her eyes. ("Oh, boy...")

Toon Link frowned. "...He can't... He can't actually do that... Can he?"

Kirby shrugged, albeit entertained. "I wouldn't put it past him."

Pikachu scoffed. ("Please! Like Manaphy'll fall for that--")

_("Eeeeeeeeeeeee!")_ squealed the Pokémon. ("He's... he's gonna do it! He's gonna do it! A-and then I'll be like that kid over there! A MINDLESS ZOMBIE!")

Lucas pouted. "I'll have you know I've been told my eyes are ridiculously cute, thank you very much!"

("A demon! A demon! You must be destroyed at all costs!")

"I'M STARING INTO YOUR SOUL!" droned Ness, invoking his optical wrath upon Manaphy.

("Be gone, evil demon! You! You, and your soulless stare of relentless darkness and apprehension!")

"YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FROM ME!" continued Ness. "MY EYES GIVE MY SUPER STRENGTH!"

Nana knitted her brow. "...Can this get any stupider?"

Manaphy was about to answer her question with a big, fat, "yes" by lifting himself into the air and yanking his antenna from Ness' grip, who, whether it was unintentional or not, was still "staring into his soul".

("Prepare for total annihilation! HEART SWAP!")

WHOOOOOOSH! Sparkles, hearts, and other crap flew around the table, totally doing something that is extremely crucial to the plot and the chapter name overall. Oddly enough, no one else seemed to notice this, or, if they did, they didn't care.

("Okay, that's it!") Manaphy happily flopped back down onto the table, grabbing Ness' slobber-drenched pizza, along with the rest of his food. ("The evil has been vanquished, the day is saved, and it was all thanks to me, me, me! And this is my reward! See ya!")

And with that, he flew off, the table left aghast. Lucas opened his mouth to say something, but there was unfamiliarity about, so he shut it.

"...Well..." Ness looked around. "Er, this is probably not as bad as it looks... Heart Swap isn't... that bad... is it? Uh, who got me, and who am I? Pikachu, right? Yeah, just my luck..."

("No...") grumbled Pikachu from somewhere. ("I'm not you, and I thank the stars for that...")

"Meh, figures." He looked at his fingers. "Wait, did I switch bodies? I don't look any different."

Nana spoke, but she didn't nod. "Oh, yeah. You switched, all right..."

"Nu-unh, I don't see myself! Where am I?"

"You're beside yourself," Kirby said from someone else. "Get it? 'Cause... Literally, you are. ...Beside yourself, I mean."

Irritated, he frowned. "What're you talking about?"

"Hi, Ness!"

Groaning, he turned to Lucas. "Do you have to yell _right _in my--?"

He stuck his tongue out. "Sorry, was that too loud?"

Upon seeing who he was talking to, he ran a hand through his hair. "...Oh no. Oh no! _Oh no! __**OH NO! OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**_

Lucas panicked. "What? What?! What happened?! What is it?!"

He grabbed his shoulders and started shaking him. _"I'm... I'm... __**you!**__ I... I can't believe it! Of all the rotten, dirty--!"_

"Hey, you're right!" giggled Lucas-Ness, looking at himself. "And I'm you! Wow, this must be fate, or something! Just think; of all the others we've could've switched with, we switch with each other! Aww..."

Ness looked at himself, uh, Lucas, uh, Lucas as himself in horror. "T-this is impossible... It's cruel and unusual... It's just plain wrong... I mean, come on! I could've switched bodies with Pikachu! As much as I despise him, it'd be awesome to be a Pokémon! Or Kirby! He's the only guy in the world who makes sucking look cool, and that's no small feat! Why would Manaphy do this?!"

("Because he knows you, in fact, suck. Therefore, he made you a pussy, so now you've got a double fault against you.")

Toon Link spoke, but his mouth refused to move. "You're not making things any better, Pikachu..."

("Well, it's true!")

"Then if you're done making the situation worse, allow me to add that if anyone finds out about this, it being illegal and all, that might lead to questions about what happened to Schlemiel!"

Ness-Lucas twitched. "That's the least of my worries! I... I actually feel... pretty! It's... IT'S HORRIBLE! No man should feel this way... ever! I'm all soft and pink and girly and I feel fabulous!"

Walking by, Link rolled his eyes. "So what else is new?"

("Dude, you're just in Lucas' body; you're supposed to _look_ the way he does, not feel it... Pussy...")

He stopped and frowned. "Well... You're now officially a furry!"

He dropped his mouth open. ("I'm not a furry, just misunderstood! I would never stoop so low as to--")

He ignored him, rubbing another hand through his gloriously fabulous hair. "Okay, okay... This isn't that big of a deal. We can get through this... We can totally get through this, we can get through this 'cause we are that awesome, and_ why can't I stop messing with my hair?!"_

"Because it's only the best patch of hair ever," beamed Lucas-Ness. "It commands your fingers."

"NO!" He stuffed his hands under his arms. "Quick, uh, who's, er, Nana?"

Toon Link, in Nana's body, grudgingly raised his hand. "...That would be me, and I have never felt dirtier."

"Uh, Kirby?"

"Me," said Nana, looking at her stubby paws. "I feel like some kind of deformed... weirdo... It's like, I used to have fingers, but they just... melted away... It's creeping me out, that's for sure..."

Kirby made a face. "I may be a weirdo, but I'm a cute weirdo! Admit it; you feel about a million times cuter than you ever have been before and you know it!"

"And you're in Toon Link's body?"

"Yeah!" Kirby crossed his arms. "And what is it with all of these... ligaments I have?" He let an arm dangle. "What are these... hinges?"

("Those're elbows,") sneered Pikachu, from Popo's body. ("Don't act like you don't know what those are. You can't be_ that_ dumb.") He then looked around insecurely. ("...But I gotta ask; if I'm an animal in a human's body, does that really make me a furry? 'Cause I'm telling you, I don't do that.")

"Yes, that does make you a furry," answered Ness-Lucas, "therefore, you don't recover."

("Hey!")

"Hey, Pikachu!" suddenly spat Popo, now a rodent. "I gotta question, too! Do you use your tongue for toilet paper?"

("No! And don't you start!") He put his hands behind his back nonchalantly. ("I pay people to groom me, anyway.")

"No one cares. Now, if you're all done acting like idiots--"

"Hey, Ness!"

He took a deep sigh. "...What?"

"Me! It's me, look! Guess who I am! Guess! C'mon! It's easy!"

He sneered. "Lucas..."

"That's right!" He smiled playfully. "Wow, you must be psychic! Oh, wait; you are! Heheheheheh!"

He ignored him. "Now, I know this looks bad, but I'm sure we can get away we this as long as we don't let anyone else know about it. Otherwise, we're screwed. If we're gonna get outta this alive, we'll have to actually pretend to be each other until the Heart Swap thing wears off..." He paused. "Uh, it_ does_ wear off, right?"

("No,") snorted Pikachu-Popo, ("Gotta get Manaphy to undo it. We still got his Poké Ball, so he should be back for it eventually.")

He raised an eyebrow. "And when exactly is 'eventually'?"

("How the hell should I know? What, just 'cause I'm a Pokémon, I should know everything about my own species? That's what mindless, devoted fans are for! If you had any, you'd know that!")

Ness-Lucas groaned, sick of his tomfoolery. He turned to Lucas-Ness and scowled at the ridiculously girlish smile on his face. "Lucas, stop being a girl and pretend to be me."

"I don't think I can; you're too sexy to overpower--"

"_**Now!"**_

"Uh, my name is Ness, and I have a bat?"

"That sucked! You don't know anything about me, do you?"

"I know about you than you do."

Everyone sweatdropped at this, aside from Lucas-Ness, who was overjoyed.

Pikachu-Popo jumped down from his seat. ("...Okay. Well, I'm officially weirded out. See you losers later.")

"H-hey!" Toon Link-Nana scrambled after him. "Wait! I'm supposed to be following you! D-don't leave me behind! I'm telling you right now, I'm feeling all kinds of nasty runnin' around like this!"

Nana-Kirby pouted. "Well, guess I gotta go, too. Never did get to finish my salad, though." She scarfed it down, then blinked. "Wait a sec... I... I didn't feel a thing! How come I'm not full?"

Kirby-Toon Link frowned. "It's because my appetite is insatiable, as if you didn't know; stop rubbing it in!"

"So, you mean..." She blinked. "I can eat anything I want, anytime I want, without any restraints at all?! Really and truly? No strings attached?!"

The irate puffball slammed his hands down on the table. "For crying out loud, yes! Y'know what? You're just trying to make fun of me, aren't you?!" He left in a huff. "I'm out. PEACE, MAN!"

"Ooh, I'm so taking this back to my room!" squealed Nana-Kirby, clearing the table of any and every piece of food left, most of it belonging to everyone else. "See you stomached losers later! I'm goin' to the kitchen! Mwahahahaha!"

Ness-Lucas watched her scurry off to the kitchen. "Well, that's something I could've gone another 80 years without seeing."

"So's this!" Popo-Pikachu then flopped on his fuzzy Pikachu butt and zoomed out of the room, sparks flying everywhere. "Wheeeeeeeeeee!"

Ness-Lucas facepalmed himself. "...I'm surrounded by--"

"Love! I am so feeling that right now, aren't you, Ness?!"

Ness-Lucas hissed in response. Unfortunately, this seemed to appeal to Lucas-Ness for some reason.

"Aw, you're hissing in joy!" He hugged him. "The feeling is mutual!"

"AHEM!" Both psychics up looked to see a sweatdropping Ike. "Uh, are you two engaging in unnecessary boy time merriment?"

Ness-Lucas winced. "Um, no?"

"Oh, okay. Uh, lunch is over, FYI. It's 10:00. Report to your dorms for sleeping time, ASAP."

"All right!" chirped Lucas-Ness. "See you later, Ike! Don't let the bed bugs bite!"

Ike twitched and slowly backed off until he was out of sight. This was also an opportune moment for Ness-Lucas to thump Lucas-Ness on the back of the head for making their predicament so painfully obvious. Thank goodness they were working with a bunch of morons...

* * *

_**Later, on the way back to their room...**_

"Hey, Ness!"

"You know I'm ignoring you on purpose, right?"

"Wow, this is like a dream come true!" Lucas-Ness grinned like an idiot. "The only thing cooler than worshipping you is being you! This day just keeps getting better and better! ...Wanna hug?"

"NO!"

"Okay, maybe later then."

"Lucas, you blockhead--!" He tripped. "...Ow."

"Uh oh!" He skipped over to him. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He got up and scowled. "WTF was that? I didn't trip over anything..."

Lucas-Ness just waved it off. "Oh, that happens from time to time. Sometimes, I just trip for no apparent reason; I think it may be a disease. I'm a clumsy little bugger aren't I?"

"STOP PROBING MY MIND!" Ness-Lucas made a mad dash for their room, only to fall within 0.84994 inches. "And why can't I walk more than 2 feet in this cruddy body without tripping?!"

"There's a way to get around it, but I forgot how it goes." He smirked. "Do you want a piggyback?"

"NO!"

"Aw, c'mon! It's guaranteed to make you look 57 percent more sexy, me 72 percent cuter, and the whole thing 109 percent more awesome!"

"I'd rather crawl first!"

"Have it your way!" He merrily skipped down the hall like some sort of gender confused teenager ballerina kid... thingy. "See you in our room! You know, if you ever get there, that is!"

Ness-Lucas dropped his head to the floor. "Ugh, what did I ever do to deserve this?"

("Exist,") answered Pikachu-Popo, conveniently walking by.

* * *

_**About an hour later...**_

"Finally..." He groaned, dragging himself in, only to promptly trip. "Dammit!"

Lucas-Ness appeared out of nowhere. "Hi, Ness! I'm glad you finally made it! I was lonely..."

"Go to bed, Lucas..." muttered his roommate, facedown on the floor.

"Ooh, bedtime!" he squealed, diving for his bed. "I luv bedtime, y'know why?"

"I don't care."

"'Cause that means we get to turn off all the lights!"

"..."

He smiled stupidly, turning a nearby lamp on. "...But I'm kinda scared of the dark, so let's leave this on. And the main light, too. Y'know, the one on the ceiling? So, I guess we're kinda backwards this time, huh?"

"_...Just go to bed already, man!"_

"Don't yell at me! That makes me nervous, and when I'm nervous, I can't go to sleep!" He pouted. "Now I hafta do something consoling to calm myself, excuse me."

"Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh..." groaned Ness-Lucas in disgust as he looked at himself, er, Lucas in a mirror. "This has to be some sort of nightmare... How could my Super Awesome Scary Dead Look of Fear backfire like this? ...Maybe I need to work more on staring at white noise more..."

"Hey, don't beat yourself up too much over there!" mischievously cooed Lucas. "Wouldn't want to give me any split ends, or anything!"

At this, Ness-Lucas slyly turned around. "Lucas?"

"...Yes?"

"...What are you doing?"

"Going through your under wear drawer."

Upon hearing that, he promptly made his way over to the distracted boy and grabbed him in a chokehold.

"_Ow, you're hurting me!"_ he squealed, quite loudly, just as Zelda passed by.

She sweatdropped. "Um, Lucas...? Are you... grabbing Ness...?"

Ness-Lucas looked around nervously. "Um, no?"

"Oh!" She smiled. "I see. So, he's grabbing _you_. That's normal. Well, don't stay up too late, you two."

As she walked off, Ness went over and slammed the door and glared at Lucas-Ness, who was staring at him adoringly.

"Ugh, stop making all those girly faces! I--!" He sweatdropped. "...And why're you wearing my underwear on your head?"

" Your hat was nice, but it was starting to chafe, so I switched it up a bit!"

"I'm gonna switch _you _up in a minute, you little--!"

He cowered. "Wait, don't hurt me! 'Cause you'll technically be hurting yourself if you do!"

He frowned. "Well... prepare for a thrashing when we get out of this mess, then!"

Lucas-Ness stuck his tongue out. "Whatever you say... Lucas. Hehehehehe!"

"...You're a very scary little boy, you know that, right?"

"I don't just know it; I live for it!" He tried to laugh evilly, but was too wimpy to perform such a task. Shrugging it off, he made his way to their special indoor bathroom.

He watched him warily. "Uh, where're you going...?"

"To the potty. I need to take a bath."

"You took one this morning..."

"No, that was a pseudo-bath; this is the real one. See you in a few!"

"Uh, wait, wait, wait a minute!" He stopped him. "You _do_ know you're in _my _body, right?!"

"...Yeaaaaaaaah..."

He laughed sarcastically. "Uh, no. No, you're not doing that."

"But I feel soap-deprived!"

"No!"

"The shower calls me!"

"No!"

"I need cleanliness!"

"I said no! Not like this you're not!"

Just then, Lucas-Ness got an idea. "OMG, Ness! Look! Aliens!"

"Aliens?!" He turned around and whipped out his... stick. "COME GET SOME!"

Unfortunately, the wuss had lied, as there wasn't an alien in sight. Ness-Lucas blinked. " ...Wait. Lucas!"

Too late. The door slammed and water began running. "I'll make sure to save you some hot water!"

"LUCAS!" He swatted at the door. "Lucas, if you don't get out of there right now, I--"

Before he could finish, someone knocked on the door. Ness-Lucas dragged himself over to reluctantly answer it, only to see it was his other crazy, body-swapped friends.

("Hi, loser,") greeted Pikachu-Popo. ("Let us in some time this century, all right?")

"What're you guys doing here? I thought we were supposed to act casual and this is anything but... that."

("Ness, do you actually expect us to have to room with our teammates like this? We'd be discovered for sure!")

"Yeah!" added a still-pouty Kirby. "I wouldn't be caught dead rooming with the Zelda Team! I bet they've never even heard of the word 'cute'!"

Ness groaned. "Well, can't you all sleep in someone else's room for the night? I got my hands full enough as it is..."

("Oh, c'mon, it's not that bad.") Pikachu-Popo looked around. ("Dare I ask where wussy-pants is?")

"No," Ness-Lucas pointed, "but he's in the shower."

Everyone frowned.

"...Shut up! Look, why can't you stay with the Ice Climbers? They don't room with anyone else!"

"..." Everyone looked at him blankly until they randomly decided to rush the door, knocking him over in the process.

He quickly recovered and slammed the door. "WTF was that?! Are you just trying to get us all in trouble?!"

Toon Link-Nana smiled sheepishly. "Well, we just wanna stay with you and Lucas 'cause your room's a lot funner than the lame old Ice Climbers'..."

"That doesn't matter! There's not enough room in here for 7! You guys gotta go!"

"Don't worry about us. We brought our own sleeping bags, jammies, and food!" said Nana-Kirby, pulling out the first, magically changing into the second, and digging into the third.

"I don't care! The answer's still no!"

("I get dibs in front of the TV!") called Pikachu-Popo, turning it on. ("Ooh, mindless crap! My favorite show! I like it 'cause it reminds me of my fans.")

"No! You guys cannot sleep in here, and that's final! Do you hear me?!"

"Hey, Nana! Watch this!" Popo-Pikachu rubbed his butt against the floor, then touched the lamp Lucas-Ness turned on earlier, causing it to explode from too much electricity. "Cool, huh?"

"Not now, I'm eating," she answered, stuffing her face.

Ness-Lucas put his hands on his hips. "Oh, I see your game now. You're just trying to ignore me because I'm Lucas now, huh? Nothing I say goes anymore, huh? I'm too wussy to give orders anymore, huh?!"

Kirby-Toon Link huffed, reading a book called 'The Human Anatomy'. "Uh, could you keep it down, please? I'm trying to study the anatomy of myself, which is so not cute. I need complete concentration so I can overcome my disgust at the whole thing. Aw, gross! The human body has 206 bones?! That's... repulsive! I don't know how you guys stand it!"

"Fine, be that way! I'm goin' to bed!" fumed Ness-Lucas. "See you weirdos in morning."

"Uh, oh, okay then. Guess I'll just sleep over--" Toon Link-Nana was cut off as a sudden horrible urge hit him. He quickly ran over to the former girl. "Hey, uh, Nana... Uh, hate to bother you, but I gotta go..."

"Go where?"

"...To the toilet! Get up and help me! I can't go..." His eyes widened in horror, "like this..."

"TL, just go when Lucas gets out. You're among friends," she grumbled, scarfing down the ridiculous amounts of food she'd somehow brought. "Now leave me alone; I'm eating."

"But..."

"_TL! SCRAM!"_

"B-b-but I gotta--!"

Just then, Lucas-Ness exited the bathroom in his jammies, fresh as a daisy. Also, for some reason, everyone else who was wearing clothes magically changed into their jammies.

"Ah! There's nothing like a nice, hot shower at nighttime! Isn't that right, Ness?"

"I loathe you so much," he spat from the bed.

"Aw, I love you, too!" He took notice of all the people in the room. "Oooooooooooooh! Yay, sleepover! Dibs on Ness' bed!" He jumped up there like some sort of slap-happy frog.

"WTF? You can't sleep here! It's mine!" protested the other psychic, sitting up.

"But I'm you now, remember? So I get to sleep up there tonight!" He smiled freakily. "Can you say 'euphoria'?"

"No, get out!" He pushed him. "This is my safe haven!"

"You can't push me around anymore; I'm you! Prepare for ultimate defeat!"

"What?"

Lucas-Ness demonstrated by picking him up like a puppy and dropping him off the top bunk. "Bye-bye!"

He hit the floor with a thump. "Ow! Lucas, I'm gonna get you one day for that!"

Pikachu-Popo groaned. ("Uh, trying to watch TV here... Could you be any more boisterous? I thought you were going to bed.")

"You--!"

"Hey, Pikachu! Look!" Full of electricity, Popo-Pikachu touched Ness-Lucas, completely frying him.

("I don't care,") he huffed standoffishly, not even bothering to turn around.

"Lucas!" Toon Link-Nana ran over to him. "Oh, thanks goodness you're here! L-listen, I need you to do me a favor and tell me how to use the bathroom! I-I can't... go on my own... You understand why, right?"

He narrowed his eyes. "Talk about rude! You have some nerve coming to me like that! You think just 'cause I'm a teensy-weensy bit effeminate, that I automatically know everything there is about women?!"

"...Well... yeah?"

He laughed and smiled sadistically. "TL, as a friend, I must warn you; if you wake up tomorrow and you're dead, it'll be because of me."

He whimpered. "W-what did I do?! I wasn't trying to offend you! I just need to walk the dog, but I don't know how! All I wanna do is relieve myself! Is that too much to ask for?!"

"TL, if it'll get you to shut up any faster, read this book to find out how! Cripes!" Kirby-Toon Link flung the paperback at him.

"Oh, gee, thanks!" He hurried off to the bathroom.

Groaning, Ness-Lucas dragged himself into Lucas' bed, only to sit straight up with a look of horror on his face. "This bed smells like sunshine daisies! Ewwwwwwww!"

Lucas-Ness hung over from the top. "It's a new perfume Peach suggested to me the other day! Isn't it pretty?"

"No! And will you _please... just... stop?!_ Can't you at least pretend to act like me?"

"Ooh, okay! Look, look! I can do this!" He pulled out a bat. "LOOK! It's a bat! An actual bat! It's your bat! It smells like you!"

Ness-Lucas frowned. "..."

Now lacking something to do, Kirby-Toon Link went over to Nana-Kirby. "Hey, uh... Can I have some?"

"No, go away."

"Oh, gimme a break! There's enough for all of us! Why can't you share?"

"I need to sustain myself, now go away."

"C'mon! I just want a little! I have a stomach now, so it's not like I can eat it all!"

"Go away! It's mine!"

"Hey, Pikachu! Look at this!" called Popo-Pikachu, strangely not doing anything in particular.

("Shh! What part of 'I'm trying to watch TV' don't you dolts understand?!")

"Ahh!" screamed Toon Link-Nana from the bathroom. "The difference between women and men! It burns! It burns so bad!"

Sighing, Ness-Lucas stuffed the pillow over his head and tried to get some sleep. Of course, with all the noise, nonsense, and mayhem going on, such a thing was easier said than done.

"Hey, look, Ness! It's your yo-yo! I'm gonna walk the dog with it!"

"_Pleeeease _don't say 'walk the dog'! I'm having enough trouble as it is in here!"

"Just... one... bite!"

"Kirby, I'm gonna kick your--"

"Asphalt! That's a funny word, isn't it, Pikachu? I mean, since when has anyone's ass ever been at fault for anything, huh? I don't even know what it means, but it's just so funny!"

("Popo, put a sock in it before I put my foot in your face! I'm trying to watch TV!")

* * *

_**The next day...**_

Practically jumping out of bed, Lucas-Ness was the first one to wake up... especially since the only other person who'd been able to get some sleep was Ness-Lucas, and that was only because he passed out from lack of oxygen from being under a pillow.

"Ah, what a wonderful new morning!" He glanced at the clock. "...Noon. Rise and shine, Ness! Oops, I mean, Lucas!"

"..."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot; you're unconscious." He slapped him the pillow. "Wakey, wakey!"

He sneezed. "...Ow."

"Get up, sleepyhead! Did you have a good sleep?"

"...Not really."

"Oh, that's not good. Maybe lunch'll cheer you up."

"Did Manaphy come last night?"

"Don't think so."

"...Wonderful."

Popo-Pikachu bounced up and down. "Hey, Pikachu! Look! This is the coolest thing ever! Seriously, look!"

("Does anybody have the remote?! Apparently, you can't seem to understand what it means to shut up!")

"_Gimme that candy bar!"_ roared Kirby-Toon Link, attacking Nana-Kirby.

"_No, leave me alone! It's mine! Go away!"_

He scoffed in disbelief. "...Has everyone been doing this all night?"

"Eh, on and off. We were pretty close to everyone going to sleep, but Kirby bit Nana and we've all been up ever since."

"And it hurt, too!" she spat.

"Then gimme something to eat!"

In the corner, Toon Link-Nana trembled. "The toilet... The toilet! It haunts me... I shall never be the same again..."

Seeing Ness-Lucas' frustration, his little partner smiled. "Don't worry, I know what to do. Hey, everybody! It's time for lunch!"

Upon hearing this, everyone stopped the madness and looked at each other. They also magically changed back into their regular clothes. ...How do they keep doing that?

"Lunch?" Kirby-Toon Link smiled. "Finally! Now I can get something to eat!"

"Me, too!" added Nana-Kirby, leaving. "I'm outta here!"

"Toilets... Toilets! They hurt me..." whimpered Toon Link-Nana.

Pikachu-Popo grabbed him. ("Quit fooling around and let's go already! I am not about to be second to a bunch of noobs and losers!")

"Y'know, I'm faster than all of you! I could get there first if I wanted!" Popo-Pikachu then smirked. "...But I won't."

"Well, that's--"

Lucas-Ness grabbed his arm. "No time to dilly-dally! Let's go get some grub! Yay!"

As they zipped down the hallway and towards the lunchroom, they passed a very bewildered Yoshi and Pit.

Pit glanced at him. "...?"

("Don't ask. No matter what answer you get, it'll only make things worse.")

* * *

_**At lunch...**_

Ness-Lucas shook his head as the table descended into madness over... well, something. "It has come to my attention that I've lost complete control of all of you. Of course, until we get outta this, none of you can really give a crap, huh?"

Nana-Kirby tore through the piles up food before her. "NO TIME FOR TALK! EATING NOW! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The once Star Warrior scoffed, still reading his book. "What is it with you humans and all of these... parts?! Elbows, knees, pelvises, noses, and funny bones! What's so funny about a bone?! Why can't you all be like me? Lungs, brain, and heart; that's all you need! Jeez!"

Toon Link-Nana sat in the fetal position. "...That's nothing compared to what I had to go through. Girls are scary... They aren't natural; they are not of this world... They don't even use the bathroom right... It's inhumane, it's unnatural, it's twisted...! I wanna go home..."

("TL, I feel your pain. I want outta this body, ASAP! It's all soft and fleshy and pink and crap! I feel like someone skinned me, and then made me wear my own fur! The only hair I have is on my head! Who lives like this?! Losers, that's who! Also, clothes are major uncool! I wish I could--")

Popo-Pikachu cut him off. "Yay! This is the best vacation ever! Not only am I small, fuzzy, and cute, but I've got an electric personality! How cool is that?! I dare you to tell me that's not cool!" He demonstrated by shocking Ness-Lucas, who really didn't care at this point. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Ness-Lucas pursed his lips. "...You need help."

"Hi, Ness!" squealed Lucas-Ness, appearing the crap outta nowhere... again. "Oh, Ness, it's so much fun being you! If only I be could you every day! That means I'd be the coolest person ever all the time!"

He pushed him away. "Urgh, what part of 'personal space' don't you understand?! Jeez!"

("Teeheehee! Hello, all! Here I am, not to brawl!")

Ness-Lucas clenched a fist. "Manaphy!"

No sooner had he said that, said Pokémon floated down from... somewhere. ("Yep, that's me! Having fun in your new bodies? You all look so twisted and crazy like this! Haha! I'm surprised no one else noticed.")

("Yeah. We don't exactly live with the brightest of contenders...") muttered Pikachu-Popo.

Walking by, Falco frowned. "Uh, Ness? Are you ridiculously close to Lucas, instead of it being the other way around?"

"No," flatly answered Ness-Lucas.

"Oh, okay." He left. "Because I really would've thought to be suspicious if you were."

Manaphy sweatdropped. ("...I see what you mean... Okay then. I think the evil has passed now, so I suppose I can return you all to normal. But before I do anything, I want my Poké Ball back. You have no idea how insecure I felt without that thing.")

("And to make things worse, that's how humans want you to feel,") responded Pikachu-Popo, handing him the ball. ("But I digress, so here you go.")

"What the--?" Ness-Lucas searched his pockets. "How'd you get that? I had it last!"

("Stole it from you while you were sleeping.")

"...What kind of a sick, twisted freak steals stuff from their friends while they're sleeping?"

("First of all, you're more of a rival than a friend. Second, I felt like it. So sue me, why don'tcha?")

Manaphy took the ball. ("Ooh, thanks so much for not losing it! The consequences would've been oh so dire! And since all is well and good here... PAWS TRAEH!")

Ness-Lucas made a face. "Wait. What--?"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Uh, I mean, WHOOOOOOOOOOSH! Everything that happened last night was reversed, except the other Smashers and their horrible attention spans. They were just as clueless and inattentive as ever, if not more.

("Okay, that's it! I'm done!") Manaphy then evilly, er, adorably flew off, taking one of Ness-Lucas' pancakes. ("We'll hafta do this again sometime! Screwing with your minds, bodies, and masculinity issues is fun!")

"Did it work? Did it work?!" questioned Toon Link. "Oh, someone please tell me it worked!"

Nana pouted. "Yeah, it worked, TL. And my appetite is satiable again. Whoopee."

"That means mine isn't!" Kirby sucked up his and her food. "Hooray for lacking essential organs! Quick, someone hit me! Put my cute flexibility to the test!"

Popo squished him with his hammer. "I may not be able to make sparks with my booty anymore, but if you're happy, then I'm happy!"

("Mwahaha! I'm adorable, little, money-loving me again! I feel so dastardly right now! Somebody ask me the size of my ego! I dare you!")

"Huh." Ness checked himself out. "Messy hair, sexy features, obligatory backpack... I'm me! HAHAHAHA! I'm me, not Lucas! If you're looking for him, don't come cryin' to me, 'cuz you won't find him here!"

"Well, actually--" put in Nana.

Lucas didn't let her finish. "And I'm cute, cuddly, loveable me again! Yay!" He ran his fingers through his hair. "Hi, hair! Did you miss me? Yeah, I'll bet you did. I'm gonna shampoo you like there's no tomorrow tonight!"

Ness blinked. "So, you're not depressed that you're back to being you again? What about all that stuff about you wishing you could be me forever?"

"Well, yeah, I kinda changed my mind... I don't think I could stand being so stocky all time." He smiled sheepishly. "...No offense, right?"

He seethed, about 10 seconds away from strangling him. _**"MUST... NOT... KILL...!"**_

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**__ It had to happen eventually, and I personally think I pulled it off perfectly._

* * *


	20. The Unsung Ballad Of StrawberryLimousine

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**__ After a rogue Assist Trophy gets loose in the house, it's up to Mario, Link, Kirby, and Pikachu to stop it! Too bad Ness and what's left of the group decide to illegally follow. And since when has everyone gotten so many animal friends?_

* * *

_**What Goes On**_

_**Chapter**__** 20: **__The Unsung Ballad of Strawberry-Limousine_

* * *

"Hmm, it's been quite a while since anyone's been in here," muttered Mario, as he opened the door to the Assist Trophy Room. "But I guess that's why I have to do a maintenance check on these. Can't have a faulty system, or anything. ...Hopefully, I'm getting paid for this."

He opened one, summoning Samurai Goroh. "Behold! I am a samurai, but I'm also a racer! _Fear my combination of skills! Mwahahahaha!"_

"Well, since you're an Assist Trophy, you can only be one, so which is it?"

"...Uh... A samurai! No, wait... A racer! No, no... Hmm... Uh, can I get back to you on that?"

"No," snorted the plumber as he disappeared. He marked him off on a clipboard. Going over to another Assist Trophy, he activated it, calling forth a Knuckle Joe.

"Behold my Vulcan Jab, my enemies! BEHOLD IT!" He put a put a dent in another Assist Trophy, summoning Jeff. "Oops."

"Why do you guys insist on calling me at the worst possible time ever? Seriously! Here I am, simply minding my own business, and the next thing I know, I'm here! Well, maybe I don't wanna use my bottle rockets this time! How ya like them apples?"

"Good, because this is just a test."

He fumed. "Oh, come on! That makes it even worse! Where's Ness? Did he issue this? I know he's behind all this!"

Knuckle Joe was also displeased. "Aw, phooey on you and your stupid tests! It's been ages since you guys fought! When're you gonna start again?!"

Mario looked around shadily. "...Eventually."

"Whatev. I'm goin' back home to drink cocoa and watch TV! Later!" He disappeared.

"And I'm going back to see if I can finally get some peace and quiet for once!" growled Jeff, also disappearing.

Rolling his eyes, Mario checked them both off his list. "Okay, next one is... Ah, finally. A more quiet and obedient one."

Going over to an Assist Trophy, he released the adorable, snuggly wonder known as the Nintendog.

"Arf, arf!" it barked, looking as adorable and snuggly as ever, if not more.

"Aww..." He pet it, for no one shall be able to resist its adorable, snuggly charm. "Aren't you cute? I see no problem with you, little guy."

"Arf! Arf!" added the dog, rolling over.

Satisfied, Mario was about to check if off the list when he noticed something indeed seemed wrong with the Nintendog, causing him to do a double take. "...Uh oh."

* * *

_**Minutes later, in the Hands' quarters...**_

The plumber walked in, clearing his throat. "Uh, Master Hand? I... think I found a bug in the system."

"A BUG?! IN THE SYSTEM?!" Crazy slammed himself into a wall. "FREE HAWT DAWGS FOR EVERYONE! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Master Hand sweatdropped. "Er, what kind of a bug is it, exactly? If it's a glitch, just ignore it and hope no one else is stupid or bored enough to run across it."

"Mmm, I wouldn't exactly call this a glitch. More like a... misconception?"

"Misconception?! This is horrible! Such a thing must be rectified immediately!" He pounded himself on the desk before him. "Out with it, man! What is it?"

Shrugging, Mario pulled out the faulty error, setting it before him. It was a chocolate lab Nintendog!

"Arf! Arf!" it barked.

"..." Master Hand squinted, despite it being impossible. "Mario, Nintendogs are Assist Trophies. That's anything _but_ a misconception."

"Well, yeah, but it's the wrong color. Didn't we only order yellow labs?"

"By my nonexistent foot, you're right!" He pet the puppy. "Oh, well. These things happen. Of course, by policy, we still can't have you confusing the Smashers with your off-color presence. Go on, now. Disappear. Back to where you belong, fido."

The Nintendog cocked its head.

Mario frowned. "Uh, I think it has to do what it was summoned to do first."

"Exactly, and it's doing that; being adorably cute. So, why isn't it disappearing?"

"Maybe there really_ is_ something wrong with it."

"Arf! Arf!" cutely barked the Nintendog.

"No, no. This is only a test. You were summoned here through the power of being an Assist Trophy, but whoever sent you must be colorblind, so it's time for you to go now."

The Nintendog playfully wiggled its butt.

"...This isn't working," said the plumber.

"Well, it's just a dog... We could always return it ourselves. And since we got the wrong kind, whoever sent it'll have to pay for the extra expenses."

"I'm not going to have to do it, am I?"

The Nintendog may've been a dog, but it was no fool. It was actually smarter than 78 percent of the mansion. It knew that being "sent back" was a bad thing! Using this smarts, it piddled on the floor, slipped past Mario, and bolted out the door.

"..." Master Hand sweatdropped.

"..." Mario sweatdropped.

"..." Crazy Hand was currently unconscious.

"...Mario?"

"Yes?"

"We've got a Code Chartreuse on our hands."

Sighing, he shook his head. "I figured as much..."

_**

* * *

**_

Elsewhere, in the Training Room...

("RAHGH!") snarled Pikachu, attacking Sandbag for about the millionth time.

A cake popped out. _"Congratulations. You have taken sucking to a new level. For that, you get cake."_

("I don't want cake! I want 'Route 209'! Is that too much to ask for?!")

"_With how much you suck, I would say so."_

("Feh!") Pikachu took his cake and stomped off. ("Your turn, loser.")

Ness cracked his knuckles. "Oh, yeah. Sweet payback. Been waitin' a long time for this."

"_Shut up and hit me, fat boy."_

"_You little--!"_ Ness grabbed a Beam Sword from the pile of items in the corner, stabbing it all the way through Sandbag. "So there!"

Somehow, the target recovered, producing a glass of green lemonade._ "Wow, that was horrible. Your awfulness makes me cry."_

"_**I'll show you horrible!" **_spat the psychic, throwing every item he could at the bag of sand.

"You go get 'em, Ness!" cheering Lucas, drinking the green lemonade. "He can't push you around like that!"

("Man, this is stupid. Sandbag's more of a tightwad than I am, and that's saying something! We're never gonna get any CDs from him...")

Kirby ate his cake. "At least he gives out great consolation prizes!"

"Yeah," sighed Toon Link. "I've been trying to get 'The Great Sea' forever. All I got so far is 'Gyromite', and I don't even know what that is!"

"Oink," evilly said the pigs next to him.

("Yeah, I--") He did a double take. ("What's with the pigs... again?")

"Oh," He blinked. "Um, well, they're my piggy cohorts in crime, apparently."

("TL, SSE Week is over. You're not evil anymore and these guys should be long gone.")

"Jonathan said I could always revert, plus, they don't have anything else to do, so..."

("The pigs can... talk now?")

"They've always been able to talk. Can't you hear them?"

"Oink," collectively said the pigs.

Pikachu made a face. ("No. Speaking of which, why's there a Shellpod in here?")

"A what?" Distracted, Ness hit a Soccer Ball with his bat, causing it to ricochet all over the padded room, breaking an inconveniently-placed window. "Crap."

"_Pathetic. I could easily pwn you with that ball, and I don't even have any arms. Do you cry yourself to sleep knowing how much you suck?"_

The armorless Shellpod waved. "Um, hi? Remember me, Ness? Chauncey? The guy who was unlucky enough to see you nakedly jump into a lake with your equally-naked boyfriends?"

Lucas smirked, while everyone else sweatdropped.

Ness disregarded it. "...Why're you in here? SSE Week's done with."

"I see that, but it seems that in my endeavors of trying to get back to Subspace, I've gotten lost... So, I came back to you. I suppose I'm asking if I could tag along with you for a spell. It probably won't be long until someone else escapes from Subspace, then I can follow them back. But for now... uh, yes. You see my predicament."

"That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but as long as you don't get in way, I guess you can stay."

"Aww!" Popo pouted. "First TL, and then you! Everyone's getting a pet except me! Kirby and Pikachu are already pets, too! ...Hey, wait!" He turned to Nana. "You're my girlfriend! Can you be my pet?"

Irritated, she raised her hammer. "What's the opposite of 'yes'?"

"Um, pickle salad?"

"No, it's 'no'." She thumped him on the head. "Try to remember that the next time you ask me something stupid."

No sooner had she said that, Master Hand's voice rang out over every intercom in the house. "Attention , Smashers! Attention, Smashers! We have entered a Code Chartreuse! I repeat: we have entered a Code Chartreuse! Please scream and run around in circles!"

Outside the Training Room, everyone did as such. Everyone in the Training Room sweatdropped.

Master Hand continued. "Smashers, do yourselves all a big favor and take cover immediately! Stay right where you are and/or get to your rooms if they're nearby until further notice! Also, will Link, Pikachu, and Kirby please report to my office for following instructions, please? That is all!"

("Oh, come on,") groaned Pikachu. ("I swear, this place has more leaks than Lucas' pants on a bad day.")

Lucas resented this. "You're--!"

("I know! 'You're mean! I'm telling!' Who exactly are you gonna tell, anyway?")

He thought for a minute. "...My dad."

("...I'll bet.")

"Code Chartreuse?" questioned Ness. "What's that?"

"_You dimwit,"_ taunted Sandbag. _"That means there's a rogue Assist Trophy on loose. Don't you know anything?"_

"Oh, shut up!" He kicked him. "And how'd you know that, anyway?"

Nana pulled out a pamphlet labeled 'Emergency Codes and You'. "They passed these out at the start of the tournament. You should at least know what _some_ of them mean."

He crossed his arms. "Nana, reading's for grown-up and dorks. And in case you couldn't tell, I am far from either."

Kirby blinked. "...I know what it means."

Pikachu cut his eyes at Ness. ("As the reps, it's mandatory for _us_ to know. For everyone else, it's just... blah.")

Popo scratched his head. "I don't even know what's so dangerous about 'sharp juice', anyway. Juice is juice, no matter what the feeling!"

Nana rolled her eyes. "It's not 'sharp juice', it's chartreuse! That's another shade of green!"

Lucas grinned. "Hey Ness, I know the first two 'cuz you're in them."

"I am?" He took the pamphlet. "Lemme see!"

("Well, while you realize how dumb you really are, me and the puffball gotta go see MH about this.") The mouse walked off. ("Come on, Kirby. Let's get this crap over with.")

"Okay, I'll meet you up there!" As he finished, a Warp Star appeared from nowhere and carried him off.

Popo pouted again. "I don't see why they get to have all the fun. Why can't we all go after the trophy, or whatever it is?"

"That's just what reps do; they represent us, therefore, they're the ones who handle all the messy details. I, for one, am glad that's the way things go around here," said his counterpart.

The dark-haired psychic flipped through the pamphlet. "Blah, blah, blah... 'Thank you for choosing to Brawl with us in the biggest throwdown in history.' Blah, blah, blah... 'Make sure to follow all rules and regulations.' Blah, blah, blah... Oh, here they are."

_**Mandatory Emergency Codes (Violence Levels May Vary)**_

_Code Red: Ness is on a homicidal rampage with an item only registered for battle_

_Code Crimson: Ness is on a homicidal rampage with an unidentified instrument of torture_

_Code Burgundy: A boss with a vengeance is loose_

_Code Orange: Giga Bowser is on the loose_

_Code Yellow: Lucas is on an emotional rampage_

_Code Green: Someone's activated a Smash Ball outside of battle _

_Code Chartreuse: An Assist Trophy's on the loose_

_Code Blue: Most or all lavatory faculties are on the blink_

_Code Indigo: One or more unauthorized Pokémon are on the loose_

_Code Violet: There's a serious shortage of food in the cafeteria_

_Code Lavender: An SSE enemy is on the loose_

_Code Pink: One or more female Smashers has PMS_

_Code Magenta: The Ultimate Chimera's on the loose _

_Code White: Schlemiel has either been broken or has gone missing_

_Code Black: Someone dared be prettier than Marth for more than two seconds_

_Code Polka-Dot: Crazy Hand lost his socks_

_Code Platinum: Someone has lost one or more games from a handheld system_

_Code Silver: A mechanical vehicle has been stolen. This includes (but isn't limited to) the Landmaster, Wario Bike, and/or Arwing_

Ness scoffed. "These codes are so bogus! We've gone through Burgundy, Green, White, Silver, and Magenta just in the past 2 weeks! Everyone saw Porky out on the front lawn yesterday! Why wasn't a Code Burgundy called for that?! And when Kirby stole Wario's bike?!" He pointed at Chauncey. "For cryin' out loud, there's a Lavender right next to me!"

"Maybe it's only dubbed an emergency when it seems crucial," said Chauncey.

"Oh, so an Assist Trophy getting out is worse than Fluffykins tearing your head off. Yeah, I see that," he sarcastically replied. "And where does MH get off marking me as not only one, but _two _codes?!"

"Ness, you've been threatening to do that nearly every day since Melee," flatly reminded Nana.

"So? That doesn't actually mean I'm gonna do it!"

"Yeah!" added Lucas, hanging over him. "And the emotional rampage thing is mean, too, 'cuz I'd only do that if I ever lost touch with you! Talk about rude!"

Smiling seedily, Ness put a hand on his shoulder. "...Hey, Luke."

"Yeeeeeeeeessssss?"

"Why don't you do your pal a favor and go beat the crud outta Sandbag for me? I'd be _forever _grateful if you did."

"You would?!" He dashed over to Sandbag. "No offense, Mr. Sandbag sir, but in order to please Ness, I'm afraid I'll have to coat the wall with your blood."

The target actually seemed excited._ "Hit me with your best shot, Blondie."_

And that he did! Lucas went absolutely crazy with Sandbag and, as weird as the whole scenario looked, they were both having a field day.

"Now that that's outta the way, we gotta go and stop the rogue Assist Trophy!"

Nana grunted in frustration. "Didn't you hear what MH just said? We're supposed to stay right where we are until further notice, and/or get to our rooms if they're nearby!"

"Rules are for sissies, Nana. Not to mention, I wanna rub this in Pikachu's face as much as possible by finding and catching and/or killing this thing before he does!"

She started to protest, but gave up. "Fine, whatever. But if we get caught, this was all your fault, and the rest of us had nothing to do with it."

"Hey, Ness! Look!" Lucas zipped back over to him, carrying a buttload of stuff he got from Sandbag. "See? I beat 'em up real good! I got 45 CDs, 194 Stickers, and enough food to feed everyone in the mansion forever! Are you pleased?!"

Ness narrowed his eyes, annoyed he finished so quickly. "Great job, Lucas, but I'd be ecstatic if you went on an adventure of manic proportions with us."

His eyes sparkled. "Are you serious?!"

"Have I ever not been?"

Toon Link started to say something, but decided against it.

* * *

_**In Master Hand's quarters...**_

The giant hand paced in front of the four Smashers. "My fearless foursome of fighters, we have a grave situation our hands. It seems that a vicious, brutal abomination has been unleashed upon the house, and it's up to you: hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, defender of Hyrule, protector of Dream Land, and... whatever you are from Pokémon Land to put an end to this."

Pikachu frowned. ("Well, this has gotten off to a great start...")

"Now, some of you may not make it back alive, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the good of the others. You are about to be sent on the greatest, most treacherous journey you've ever been on. I wish you all good luck and common sense. And I mean the last one a lot."

Kirby raised a paw. "Um, question? Since you and Crazy are so powerful, why don't you go get it?"

"I fear that Crazy to crazy to handle such a task, as I am too masterful to do it."

Everyone sweatdropped, as that didn't make a bit of sense.

Link raised a hand. "Uh, can you at least tell us what we're going up against? You make it sound so grave, but I don't think--"

"You think wrong, little man! This is a very serious situation indeed!" He pointed out the door. "Now, go! The time for talk is over! As we sit here chatting, that thing's probably wreaking havoc all over the mansion!"

All four saluted. "Yes, sir! Anything for the good of the Smashers, sir!"

"Good answer! Here're some weapons in case you need them: Beam Sword for Link, Ray Gun for Pikachu, Super Scope for Mario, and Star Rod for Kirby."

"Yay!" celebrated the puffball. "I got the best one!"

"I'll turn all the lights off upstairs so you can sneak up on the abomination and catch it. Mario has some flashlights, and should be able to tell you everything he knows about what you're going up against. Now, off with you!" He shooed them out. "Make this establishment proud!"

"OR AT LEAST BRING ME BACK SHUM TACOOOOOOOOS!" howled Crazy Hand, having a conniption.

* * *

_**In the upstairs hallway...**_

"Okay, Mario," said Link, turning on his flashlight. "Master Hand said you could give us the details on this thing, so what's up?"

"I'm sorry," flatly droned the plumber, as if it were an order of business, "but that information is strictly prohibited to all but the main proprietors and myself."

"What the--?! But Master Hand said you'd tell us everything!"

"He probably just said that to get us all out of there."

Pikachu fumbled with his flashlight. ("Wonderful. So now we're fighting blind! You can't even give us some hints?")

"No. As much as I'd like to, I'm not allowed to make this situation any worse or better than Master Hand has already assessed it."

The Hero of Time groaned. "Well, that's just super!"

"Star Ultra!" happily finished Kirby, his flashlight's beam dancing along the walls. Everyone stared at him. "What? That could a great title for something."

("Something tells me this is gonna be a long, long mission...")

As Pikachu said that, the Nintendog poked its head out from behind a wall, butt wagging happily at the inactivated Beam Sword Link was holding.

* * *

_**Elsewhere...**_

Ness, Lucas, Nana, Popo, and Toon Link rode on Chauncey as they went into the darkness upstairs. They've could've taken the elevator, but that's exactly why they didn't.

"Oh, Ness, maybe we should go back downstairs," whined Nana. "Look, the lights've been turned off! MH only does that when the code is super serious!"

"Pfft, you one-time gamers are so naïve. I'll have you know this kind of darkness is nothing compared to advanced darkness. Trust me, you haven't seen darkness until you've been in advanced darkness."

"But Ness, aren't you a one-time gamer, too?" put in Chauncey.

He scowled. "...Well, I got a lot more stuff done!"

"And besides, I've been in advanced darkness," boasted Lucas. "It's not that big of a deal unless you start hallucinating. Oh, and always hold hands in case you forget where your butt is. You might accidentally rip off someone else's if you don't."

Everyone backed away from him.

"What? It's true!"

"...Oink!" said The Pig Formerly Known as Shiggy, pointing down a hall. Toon Link nodded.

"Uh-huh, I see. Uh, The Pig Formerly Known as Shiggy says we should go down that way. It's where the smell of danger is coming from."

Ness scoffed. "TL, where do you get off taking advice from a pig? I mean, seriously. We'd be better off following directions from Lucas!"

"Nu-unh, 'cuz I'm one with all animals! I am one with the forest!"

"That's nice, but we're not in a forest, genius!" grumbled Nana.

"C'mon, guys. Just listen to me this once, please?"

"Fine." Ness crossed his arms. "But let it be noted that we only went this way because I said so."

* * *

_**Elsewhere...**_

Pikachu crept along the floor, following Mario's flashlight. ("Well, since Super Dumbass here won't tell us what we're supposed to be doing, I guess we can always improvise...")

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Pikachu..."

("Oh, and now he's in denial. This mission just keeps getting better and better.")

"Guys, stop fighting," said Link. "Just keep your eyes peeled for whatever this thing could be. For all we know, it could be someone like Andross!"

("Wow, I'm really shaking,") muttered the mouse. ("When're we gonna find this thing, anyway? I'm getting tired.")

"How can you be tired? It's only been 15 minutes of us walking around, doing nothing."

"And Pikachu complaining..." grumbled Mario.

("And your uselessness,") he retorted.

"Yeah, well--"

"_**WWWRROOOOAARRR!"**_ growled something insanely insidious.

Mario got into a stance. "W-what was that?!"

("Use your flashlight, stupid! As if that wasn't already painfully obvious!")

To stop the squabbling, Link shined his on a wall, seeing the shadow of something insanely insidious... with teeth.

_**("IT'S A MONSTER!") **_howled Pikachu, latching onto Link's face. ("Kill it! Kill it! Kill it with your sword!")

He pulled him off. "Why don't you, Mr. Hot Shot?!"

("Are you kidding?! That thing must know how popular I am, so it'll probably eat me alive!") He latched onto his face again. ("You go get it! Chase it away with your bad sense of fashion!")

"I can't! You're on my face! I can't see!"

Mario pulled out FLUDD. "I'll handle this! Eat H2O, slime!"

"_Request denied,"_ droned FLUDD. _"You forgot to refill me again, Mario."_

"Oh, of all the--!"

Tearing Pikachu off his face, Link pulled out the Beam Sword, flinging it without a second thought at the monster. Unfortunately, he was only aiming at the shadow, so he completely missed, lodging the thing into the wall. This brought out a sudden submissive squeal from... the wall?

"What the--?"

"Hey, what's the big idea?!"

"...Huh?" Mario shone his flashlight down from Link's sword, only to see a horrified Kirby, his head just inches from the blade.

"I try to lighten up the mood with a little puppet show, and you throw swords at me! I work with a bunch of barbarians!"

("Kirby!") growled Pikachu. ("What's your problem?! Look what you did to poor Link! You scared him half to death!")

Link rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I'm having a major heart attack over here."

He looked down sadly. "...I'm sorry. I actually got kinda lost because I thought I heard voices a while back."

("Voices? But this is a restricted area, for us to patrol only!")

"Yeah, why didn't you just tell us earlier?" asked the guy with the sword.

"I tried to, but Mario and Pikachu were in such a fuss, and I didn't wanna get in on it, so I just went myself... Then, I got lost and kinda scared, and when I found you again, I just did that as a joke so you wouldn't be mad I left you and--"

Mario sighed. "Okay, okay, forget the details. Where'd you hear those voices from?"

He pointed. "That way, but we better hurry 'cuz I think I heard someone talking about hallucinating, or something."

"Well, it's a good start. Okay then, let's move it before the trail gets cold."

Pikachu flattened his ears in annoyance. ("Why do you get to tell everyone what to do? I should do it. I'm better at it. Why can't I do it? I wanna do it.")

"_Fine, then you do it!"_

("Finally. That's first good idea you've had all day. Now, let's go already; I feel like I'm starting to lose my edge up here.")

The plumber grumbled, the swordsman sweatdropped, and Kirby suddenly started thinking about mashed potatoes as all three followed the Pokémon. Too bad the puffball didn't realize he'd left his flashlight behind, as he would've seen the Nintendog walk by, chew on it, then spit it out and continue walking.

* * *

_**Elsewhere again...**_

As Chauncey walked on, the hall only got darker and darker until it had indeed become advanced darkness.

"Damnit," growled Ness. "We're in advanced darkness now. Thanks a lot, TL."

"But The Pig Formerly Known as Shiggy said--"

Nana cut him off. "Uh, what exactly is advanced darkness?"

"Darkness caused by the onslaught of evil, duh. Anyone who's fought a Final Boss should know that."

"I never heard of that..."

"But I've been in advanced darkness before!" said Lucas. "Seriously! I can see easily!"

"Yeah, right."

"No, really!" He pointed. "If we keep going, exactly 17 feet and 4 inches, there should be a discarded flashlight right in front of us!"

"Oh, come on. Like if we really do that, we'll--"

"Found it!" exclaimed Chauncey.

"Wha?"

"Yay, I win! Did I do good, Ness?"

"...Yeah, sure, whatever..."

Gulping, Toon Link trembled. "I-i-is that slobber on it?"

"And teeth marks!" added Popo. "Whoever had this flashlight must've been killed by the Assist Trophy!"

Nana crossed her arms. "Popo, aren't you blowing things a little out of proportion here?"

"Maybe, maybe not," said Ness. "TL, be a guinea pig and go pick it up. Even if it's a clue, we still need the light."

He sweatdropped. "Why do _I_ have to pick it up?"

"Because Lucas'll kill you if you don't."

He cracked his knuckles. "I can do it in cold blood if you want, Ness!"

"Eek!" Whimpering, he jumped off Chauncey, ran over, grabbed it, and handed it to Ness. "H-h-here!"

"I don't want that."

"But you told me to get it!"

"Yeah, and hold it so we can see."

"B-but I don't wanna hold this! It's all icky and gooey and stuff!"

"Oh, well, that's okay then, y'know, if you're tired of living and all."

"I can easily tear your head off and use it as a bowling ball," cooed Lucas. "One quick SNAP! ...And it'll all be over."

"Aah! Okay, okay! I-I'll hold it..." he whimpered, turning it on.

"Oink," said all three pigs, ashamed for how sorry their master was.

"...I never knew the little blond kid was so... malicious," said Chauncey.

Lucas pouted. "I'm not malicious, a little bloodthirsty sometimes, but only when the situation calls for it. Actually, I think I'm the cutest guy in this group, but don't tell Kirby I said that."

Ness made a face. "You scare me more and more every day."

* * *

_**Elsewhere again...**_

The four continued on, looking for the Assist Trophy, when a sour smell entered Pikachu's nose. Realizing what it was, he alerted the others.

("Eww! Watch out! Someone peed all over the floor here!")

"Yuck..." Link grimaced, shining his light across the yellowed floor. "Whoever did this must have a really weak bladder."

("I nominate Lucas.")

"You sure it wasn't you?" laughed Mario.

("No, 'cuz I would've made sure to aim it at you.")

Mario didn't find that funny, while Link tried not to laugh, and Kirby was baffled.

"What's 'pee' mean?"

"It's what you do in the bathroom," said Link, shocked he didn't know.

Kirby frowned. "To 'pee' means to take a bath?"

Pikachu facepalmed himself. ("No! It means to do your business, walk the dog, take a leak, relieve yourself, and all that jazz.")

"Well, I like to be relieved as much as the next guy, but why in the world would you be walking a dog, making business deals, and taking leeks in the bathroom?! Bathrooms are where you take baths, right?"

The other three looked at each other long and hard before Mario asked, "Kirby... Are you really that naïve?"

"The more I know, the less I understand, it seems."

("...Whatever. The pee's all over the place, so watch your step.")

One by one, each of the four made their way around the mess and rounded a corner. As they did, the Nintendog ran around the next, soon ending up behind the very people looking for it. Seeing Kirby's Star Rod, it followed him closest.

Suddenly having the sinking feeling something was behind him, the ball scurried to catch up with the others, accidently bumping into Mario, due to the lack of light.

"Hey Kirby, where's your flashlight?" asked the plumber, noticing this. "You didn't eat it, did you?"

"I... don't think so. Must've dropped it around somewhere. Also, I don't wanna be in the back anymore."

"Why?"

"I think something's after me..."

All three flashlights proved him wrong as they pointed behind him. The Nintendog was now behind Link, trying to get his unsheathed Beam Sword.

"Are you trying to mess with our heads again?" asked Link, starting to think the whole thing was a wild goose chase.

"No! It was there! It's just..." He looked back in confusion. "Gone now... But it was there!"

"Doesn't matter," said Mario. "Let's keep moving."

As they turned to continue walking, the Nintendog leapt too far to grab the Beam Sword, missing and falling behind the four with a dull "thump" on the floor.

("Wait...!") Pikachu's ears flew up. ("I heard something.")

"What?" Link listened. "I don't hear anything."

Kirby whimpered. "Um, guys?"

("...Let's keep going.")

And they did, as did the Nintendog, focused on the Star Rod again. Hearing its nails click against the floor, Pikachu stopped again.

("See? There it is! I heard something else this time!")

"Guys?"

Mario wasn't impressed. "Pikachu, if you're trying to scare us, stop. This is serious now."

("Oh, really? Well, I'd like to see you work magic with _your_ acute sense of hearing, Mr. Hero, sir.")

The plumber's brow knitted.

("Oh, wait. That's right; you don't have that, do you? What a shame.")

Link put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't try and fight it, Mario. As odd as it seems, he might actually be on to something."

"Guys...?" whined Kirby, close to tears. "I really, really, really,_ really_ think there's something behind me now. I can hear it breathing..."

Just then, the puppy crouched down and leapt onto Kirby from behind, grabbing his Star Rod in hopes of a friendly tug-of-war.

"AHH! IT'S GOT ME! IT'S GONNA EAT ME!" he screamed, abandoning the Star Rod and running off.

_("Die, monster!")_ Pikachu fired random shots into the darkness with his Ray Gun, aiming way too high to hit anything. Running out of ammo, he also turned tail and ran.

Mario and Link were finally able to dart off, after running into each other about three times before they were able to successfully get away.

As the madness subsided, the Nintendog seemed disappointed they didn't want to play. So, picking up the Star Rod, it set off to find someone who would.

* * *

_**Elsewhere again again...**_

"You think we'll find a dead body up here?" tentatively asked Toon Link.

"Maybe we can hang Lucas and he'll be a dead body," grumbled Ness.

"I can be an _un_dead body!" he chirped.

As this went on, Popo sighed for what seemed like the umpteenth time. Nana noticed this and decided to ask what was wrong. ...Well, actually, everyone noticed, but she was the only one who cared.

"Aw... Everyone around here's having fun with their pets except me. I mean, TL's got his pigs, Ness has Chauncey, Kirby and Pikachu are pets in themselves, you don't care, and Lucas has Ness! S'not fair..."

Ness inhaled sharply. "I really hope, for your sake, you didn't just say I was Lucas'--"

"Aw, that's so nice of you, Popo! That's exactly how it goes, right, Ness?"

"I'm not your pet..."

"...Then, am I yours?"

Popo scoffed. "Aw, man! See? They even work it recyclablely!"

Nana thought for a moment. "...You mean 'reciprocally'?"

"Yeah!"

Ness sighed. "No! And Chauncey's not my pet, either! He's a lackey!"

"But I used to be your lackey, so does that mean I've upgraded to being your pet now?" asked Lucas.

"...What do you hear when I talk? Does it sound like anything I say at all?"

"Do sunshine and happiness count?"

"Okay... Well, this conversation has officially gotten weird," coughed Chauncey.

Toon Link shook his head. "Would you believe it's actually gotten weirder?"

Lucas was about to say something that would question his sexuality forever when he was hit by a blast from Pikachu's Ray Gun.

"_Aah!"_ He squealed, clutching his side and falling off Chauncey. _"I've been hit! I-I think I'm dying...! "_

"Lucas, that was just a blast from a Ray Gun's plasmatic energy source. It's nowhere near strong enough to kill you," said Nana.

"_Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Ness, it hurrrrrrrrrrrrts! I... don't think I can make it..."_

Popo rejoiced. "Hooray, a dead body! Hey, when you die, can you be my pet?"

"Get away from me," he hissed.

"Who fired the shot, anyway?" asked Chauncey.

"Oink," said Wilfred.

"It must've been the darkness!" shouted Ness.

The only girl sweatdropped. "All right, you almost got me with the 'advanced darkness' nonsense, but you've gone way too far this time."

The psychic didn't have time to retort as about 20 more shots zoomed past them.

"See?! The darkness is angry! It's trying to kill us for not believing in it!"

Lucas latched onto him. _"But, Ness! I'm hurrrrrrrrrrrt! Why aren't you helping meeeeeeeeeee? I think I'm bleeding internally hereeeeeeeeeeeeee!"_

"Did you help me when I got turned into a trophy?! No! You ran away, like a little _**pussy**_!"

"_I said I was sorry! Why can't you just let it go?!"_

* * *

_**Elsewhere again again...**_

After running for what seemed like forever, Mario, Link, Kirby, and Pikachu all ran into each again, collapsing from the collision.

Link winced. "Uh, we're not very good at this whole representation thing, are we?"

("Gee, what was your first guess?")

"At least we got away from it," said Mario.

"_Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... I'm hurrrrrrrrrrrting,"_ groaned someone from around the corner._ "Why isn't anyone helping meeeeeeeeee?"_

Kirby gasped. "Aah! It's a ghost now! Hear the moaning?!"

Pikachu shivered in fear. ("M-m-maybe there _is _a real ghost up here...!")

"_Lucas,"_ angrily whispered Ness around the corner, _"if you say that one more time, I'm gonna make sure this is the last time you hurt!"_

"_Then, help me!"_

"Hey! Someone's calling for help!" Link shined his flashlight towards the noise, only to see the shadow of Lucas' hair.

Kirby had no idea what it was, so he decided to be on the safe side by declaring, "IT'S A DEMON! IT'S KILLING SOMEBODY! IT'LL GET US, TOO!"

Lucas perked up. "A demon?! W-where?!"

"It's right behind you!" screamed Popo, pointing at Toon Link's light showing Kirby's shadow. "That blob on the wall must be a ghost, and he's trying to kill us!"

"A ghost?! I've fought ghosts before! I'll get it!"

Taking action, Mario quickly fired his Super Scope at the thing. Meanwhile, Lucas screamed bloody murder as the shots zoomed through his hair and just over Ness' head. After seeing how close of a call it was, he panicked.

"_**The darkness is shooting at us again! Every man for himself!"**_

Lucas didn't need to be told twice. Still screaming his head off, he ran like there was no tomorrow towards Pikachu. Fearing for his life, he tried to zap him, but Lucas tripped over himself and fell into Mario. Confused by all the screaming, Link decided to join in on it and charged, flashlight and sword ready, towards Toon Link.

Seeing only a pair of legs running and screaming, Toon Link also screamed and launched Jonathan at them. The pig quickly brought Link to his knees, while the cartoony version threw a boomerang at him. It hit its target, causing the swordsman to release his flashlight, which thumped Kirby's head and fell into his mouth as he opened it to express his displeasure. Spitting it out, it landed in front of the Nintendog, only showing its little brown paws. Of course, Kirby didn't know this and screamed.

"IT'S THE DEMON'S FEET!"

Finally happy to be around people again, the puppy barked and ran off towards Lucas, Star Rod still in its mouth.

The dog barking only made things worse. Now convinced the darkness, a demon, a ghost, and some sort of miniature werewolf was after them, Ness started firing PK Flash all over the place, hoping it would light up the hallway.

Hearing him do this, Lucas tried PK Thunder, but got distracted as he noticed the Nintendog's little brown feet happily scamper over to him. Squealing, his attack short-circuited and hit Ness, frying him.

Seeing a fried, black, singed smiling thing with horrendous hair, Nana screamed, causing Popo to leap into action.

"Don't worry, Nana! I'll save you!" He hit Ness on the head.

"OUCH!" he growled. Ness shook the soot off. "You ass! It's me!"

"Your tricks can't fool me, ghost!" He hit him again.

"OW!" He ran away as Popo gave chase.

Meanwhile, Lucas was still running from the "demon/werewolf"._ "Noooooooooooooo! Leave me aloneeeeeeeeeeeee!"_

Kirby mistook his whining for groaning and turned tail. "IT'S THE GHOST! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

("Outta my way!") demanded Pikachu, zipping past all of them.

Chauncey didn't know what the hell was going on, so he ran over to the nearest person, who was the floored Mario, and charged. Stomping over, he tried to pierce him with his horn, but forgot he no longer had it, so he just brushed against the mustachioed man.

"AHH!" Horrified Chauncey was the demon, Mario took off, the Shellpod close behind.

Pikachu continued dashing down the hallway until he bumped into Master Hand, causing him to scream.

"_**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

"_**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

"_**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

"_**AHHHH--"**_ The hand stopped. "Wait... Pikachu? What in the name of all that's good in Smash is going on up here?!"

("Um, I believe we're having some technical difficulties...")

"Technical difficulties? Oh, for the love of...! Crazy, hit the switch!"

Maniacal laughing sounded as the lights all clicked back on. As the hallway regained its lighting, Master Hand was shocked to see a complete and total mess on the floor.

Kirby and Lucas were holding each other, bawling their eyes out, while Ness angrily towered over Nana with her hammer, thinking it was Popo. Toon Link's pigs were taking turns bouncing on the trounced Link's back, while their master looked utterly stumped. Mario was sprawled out on the floor underneath Chauncey, who was all kinds of confused. Last, but not least, Popo was sitting right behind Pikachu, holding the Nintendog.

"What is this?!" growled the appendage. "Lucas, Ness, Nana, Popo, Toon Link, pigs, and unregistered Subspace enemy! You are all in violation of not only this area, but this emergency code!"

"Uh, may I put in that this was all Ness' fault?" tattled Nana.

"But..." Toon Link quickly noticed Popo had the dog. "At least we caught the perpetrator!"

"Arf, arf!" barked the puppy.

Lucas squealed. "Awwwwwwwwwww...! He's so cute! He looks like my doggie!"

Kirby pouted. "But I'm still cuter!"

Pikachu narrowed his eyes. ("So, lemme get this straight; we've been running around all of upstairs, in the friggin' _dark_, chasing after a damn dog?!")

Mario shrugged. "If I could've told you, I would."

Link pouted. "Can someone please get this bacon off my back?"

"Nana!" Ness blinked, putting her hammer down. "Why're you over here?!"

"Trying to get away from you!" She grabbed her mallet and went back to Popo. "And what do you think _you're_ doing? I thought you were supposed to be protecting me!"

"Look, Nana!" He showed her the dog. "I've got a pet now! Isn't it cute?"

"Well, it sure wouldn't have been cute if Ness had bashed my brains out!" She squinted. "Oh, and FYI, it's a girl."

Master Hand grabbed the dog. "And she's also herby terminated from our quarters!"

"But, why? Just 'cuz she got loose doesn't mean you should get rid of her," said Lucas.

"Nope, she's already caused enough trouble, now it's time for her to go!"

"Hey, that's not fair!" complained Popo. "She likes me! Give her back!"

"No! She doesn't belong here, and that's final!"

"But she's an Assist Trophy," said Toon Link.

"Yes, the wrong kind!"

Link shrugged. "Well, if that's all it is, don't let her into any matches. Simple as that."

"No! Such a fault can't be allowed anywhere in the house!"

"Please?" pleaded Popo, eyes sparkling cutely. "Please can I keep her? I promise I'll take good care of her..."

"The answer is still no!"

"What if I help him?" asked Nana, also looking adorable. "You know how responsible I am, right?"

"You are very responsible, but you still disobeyed the rules with the rest, so no."

"Then, do it for me!" said Lucas, looking sickeningly cute. "I've got a dog at home who looks almost like her! If she stays, I'll be that much less lonely!"

"Your sap story won't work this time!"

"Then, think of me!" said Kirby, already too cute for words. "You know how much I can identify with animals!"

"No, stop trying to change my mind!"

("Dude, just let them keep the dog so we can all stop this,") said Pikachu, reluctantly looking cute.

"Pikachu, you of all people should be against this!"

"I've never had a dog," said Toon Link, also being cute. "And my pigs should love playing with her. Pleeeeeeeease?"

"No! ...And where'd those pigs come from, anyway?"

Ness crossed his arms. "Man, this is so stupid. You've all lost your freaking minds."

Lucas elbowed him. "Aw, c'mon. Look cute so MH'll let us keep the dog!"

"No! I'm not cute, I'm sexy!"

"If you don't, MH might punish us, and then he'll find out about--"

"Yeah, please?!" he said, looking disturbingly irresistible. "Do it out of the good of your heart... or whatever internal organ performs that function."

"Ugh, Ness is in on this, too?" Master Hand grimaced. "Sheesh, this must be serious if _you're_ actually trying to be cute."

"Arf?" asked the dog, confused.

"Urrrrrrrrrrrrgh..."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" asked all seven, while Mario and Link just exchanged confused glances.

"Even if I did let you keep her, that still doesn't excuse the fact that you violated area restrictions and even housed a Subspace enemy."

"Um, we did that for the good of helping out Mario and the others?" shrugged Toon Link.

Master Hand turned to Mario. "Is he lying?"

He sweatdropped. "No?"

"Oh, okay then. Since everyone's obviously lost their heads over this... I suppose you can keep her. But if I catch her in any matches or causing trouble, she will officially be confiscated! For real this time!"

"Yay!" Popo took her back. "I got my doggie back!"

"Whoo hoo," unenthusiastically cheered the others.

"Arf, arf!" said the doggie.

("Well,") Pikachu crossed his arms, ("you might as well give the thing a name now. Can't keep calling it 'Nintendog' all the time.")

"Name her 'Badass Mother'!" spouted Ness. "With a name like that, she'll go from cute to sexy in no time!"

Lucas had an idea. "Ooh, ooh! Name her Ness! I like that name."

Said boy frowned. "...But that's my name..."

"I know. That's why I like it."

"What about 'Mousse', like the chocolate mousse?" said Kirby.

("Nah, name her Purin so you can advocate Japanese Pokémon names.")

"What about 'Candy'?" shrugged Nana.

"I know next to nothing about dogs, so just count me out," sighed Toon Link.

"Ooh, I know! Since there's a vanilla and chocolate lab, she'll be strawberry! ...Strawberry-Limousine!" Popo hugged her. "That's the name of my new puppy!"

His partner sweatdropped. "Popo, that name doesn't make any sense..."

"I don't care! My dog, my name!"

"Fine, whatever," said Master Hand. "Now everyone, resume your daily activities and remember; this never happened."

Ness half-laughed, half-scoffed as he walked off. "I'm way ahead of you, MH..."

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**__ Well, this certainly one of my most original chapters. I just can't believe I wrote it all in only a week. :P_


	21. Fiendish Friends Fight Friendly Foes! P1

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**__ After the success of SSE Week, Master Hand decides to hold a contest to further the fanservice of the combatants. Pikachu cheats for the gang to win, resulting in having them all screwed over. Also, Lucas gets a manicure with the girls. _

* * *

_**What Goes On**_

_**Chapter 21: **__Fiendish Friends Fight Friendly Foes! (Part 1)_

* * *

In the mansion that belonged to all things Smash, there was no such thing as morning to Ness; only the time before lunch. And, because of this, he absolutely refused to get up before it was served. Unfortunately, as far as Lucas was concerned, there was no such thing as a time not to be around Ness; this morning was no exception.

With a sigh and not even looking, Ness sat up from yet another interrupted sleep and grabbed him by the neck. Such a thing was easy, as he was currently busy straddling him and seeing how long he had to hold his finger in front of his nose until he woke up.

"_You know,"_ he coughed, _"strangling your friends is probably the worst way you can start off the day..."_

"I wouldn't have to do that if you'd quit sitting on me while I'm trying to sleep!"

"_But you're so warm and squishy!"_

Stupefied at such a dumb answer, Ness let go. "...Why do I even bother?"

"...BTW, my hair started tingling last night..."

"WTF?"

"Something's gonna happen today... Something big... Something... important... But I can't quite put my finger on it..."

"Probably because it's not true..."

"Oh, it's true, all right; my hair said it was, and it's never been wrong."

"...Do you sleep well at night, knowing how unstable you are?"

"Not really. Waking up in a cold sweat is like clockwork for me now. Finding blood on the sheets isn't as common anymore, but it still happens sometimes."

"...Get off!" He threw him onto the floor.

Lucas quickly recovered. "Aw, okay then! If all this doesn't bother you, then it's probably nothing to worry about! In that case, just forget I ever said anything."

"Would you believe I've been doing that since day one?"

"Well, that's that!" He jumped up, cooing. "Now, don't you dilly-dally, silly! Lunch is being served soon, so make sure you get there on time, okay? I want you to be on your best behavior, don't eat too much, and try to not to rip anybody's head off, 'k?"

He narrowed his eyes. "...Why would you say that?"

"Well, I've been feeling deprived lately, so I'm gonna spoil myself today! I'll... have to leave you for a bit and go see the girls." He bit his lip. "Oh, you're not gonna start crying, are you?!"

"..." If looks could kill, Lucas' head would've exploded.

"We asked Nana to come, so she might be missing for a few hours, too. It's because we're having a surprise manicure/hair/facial party with--"

Ness covered his face with his hands. "Uh, okay. You know what? Just go. I don't need to know all the details. Have a nice day... Far away from me."

"Aw, okay! Thank you! I don't usually do this, so I'm glad you understand! You're cool like that. I'll probably catch up with you by dinner, so try not to miss me too much, okay? Toodles!"

And with that, he skipped out as giddy as can be and closed the door. Ness, still in bed and his jammies, smelled the air and smiled.

"...Y'know what this calls for?" He asked his inanimate backpack near the edge of the room.

A Mr. Saturn popped out. "_Wh_**A**T, Z_o__**O**_M?"

"A sexy party!"

"Y_**A**__y_, B_**oI**__N_g!"

And so, the sexy party commenced! Complete with about 100 Mr. Saturns, ridiculous dancing, and prancing around!

* * *

_**In the Mario Room...**_

More than ready to go to lunch, a certain red plumber leaned on the door's frame, rubbing his temples in annoyance.

"Peach, come on. Why do you have to be so dead set on having your little girl time in here? Can't you get together somewhere else? 75 percent of this room belongs to guys, you know."

The princess refused. "Sorry, but this room is the most furnished in the house, so you, Luigi, and Bowser are just going to have to crash somewhere else until we're done."

"It's not that bad," soothed Sheik, reading a women's magazine on the ceiling. "We should be done before dinner."

"But that's six whole hours!"

("Too bad, so sad,") scoffed Jigglypuff, going through some lipstick in front of a mirror. ("With so many men in the tournament, us girls need to band together every now and again.")

Mario was about to retort when Bowser appeared. "Yo, Mario. Wanna go make fun of Luigi's incompetence, beat him up, and then chase him around in the Landmaster? Already asked Fox if I could borrow it."

He smiled as they walked off. "You know, if you'd quit stealing Peach all the time, I'm sure we'd be best buddies."

No sooner had he left, Lucas stuck his head in. "Well, hellooooooooo! Guess whoooooo?"

"Lukey!" squealed Peach, running over to hug him. "Hello! It's so nice to see you again! Aw, you're such a sweetie pie for coming! I thought you'd forget!"

"Of course I wouldn't! You know I always try to come through for you the best way I can! I'd feel like such a total jerk if I didn't..."

"Well, that's nice to know, because mean ol' Samus ducked out on us! She won't come because this 'isn't her style'."

Jigglypuff swelled herself in annoyance. ("I tried to invite Nana, but she doesn't think her makeover'll show through her outfit, so she's out, too. I mean, the nerve!")

Lucas gasped. "Oh, those party poopers! Well, I'll just make up for those two, while being myself at the same time! Don't worry; they're gonna hafta try a lot harder than that if they think they can spoil this for us!"

"Ohmigosh, you're our little hero!" She hugged him again. "Oh, what would we do if you weren't around to perk us up?"

Sheik hung upside down from the ceiling. "I suppose the time is nigh for us to start, then."

Jigglypuff skipped off. ("Ooh! I'll get the nail polish!")

Peach joined her. "I'll get the shampoo!"

Lucas did the same. "I'll get the chocolate!"

Jumping off the ceiling and turning back into Zelda, she pointed with a smile. "I like you. I really, really, really like you."

* * *

_**At lunch...**_

After having a nice sexy party in peace, Ness made his way to lunch in peace. He went through the lunch line in peace, and got way too much food in peace. Upon leaving, he kicked Wario's ass for trying to steal his tray in peace. Finally reaching the table in peace, he watched Bowser and Mario knock the snot out of Luigi while everyone else sat by and idly watched in peace. ...Things were so much more peaceful without Lucas around.

"Hey, Ness," greeted Toon Link. "...Uh, where's Lucas?"

"Getting his manhood removed."

His face soured in disgust. "...Really?"

"No. He never had it to begin with; you know that."

"...?" The toony kid couldn't have been more confused if he had amnesia.

Pikachu arrived late at the table, video camcorder in tow. ("'Sup, commoners?")

Nana pointed. "I know I'm gonna regret this, but what's with the camcorder?"

("Oh, this? Nothin'.") He turned it on, aiming it at Kirby happily chowing down. ("It's just for blackmailing purposes. Oh, and when we win the contest.")

"What contest?"

("The Family and Friends Contest.")

"What?"

He rolled his eyes and put down the camcorder. ("Ugh, the Family and Friends Contest MH is throwing for fan service purposes, cripes. Memos. On the billboard. One in every hallway of the house. Don't be like Ness. Read.")

She scoffed in disbelief. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me."

Kirby smiled. "Ooh, yay! Another contest! Do we get to be on teams again?"

("No, it's completely different. This time, there're only gonna be seven winners, and those winners get an awesome ode to them that I'm not gonna tell you because I'm an ass.")

Popo scratched his head. "But I thought you were a Pikachu."

"Arf, arf!" Strawberry-Limousine piped.

("...Do me a favor and stop being stupid for five minutes so we can hear the winners!")

As soon as he finished, Master Hand entered the room. "Good afternoon, Smashers! Hope you're having a good lunch! Now, as I said at breakfast, I've pulled all the winning names of the contest from this morning and I'm here to announce them! So, put down your forks, listen up, and Mario and Bowser, stop chasing Luigi around until I'm done!"

Everyone did so, even Mario and Bowser, despite their disappointment.

"Now, you guys entered by putting your Smash email addresses in a box, and I'm going to read what I pulled out! Ready? Let's start! First up is... outsetwindyguy!"

Toon Link meekly raised a hand. "...Um, that would be me."

Popo blinked. "Wha--? How'd you win? You didn't even enter! I remember, 'cuz I told you not to do it, 'cuz it was a scam and you wouldn't win!"

He shrugged. "Just lucky, I guess."

Master Hand continued. "And the next winner is... lilpinky92!"

Kirby gasped. "H-hey! That's me! How'd _I_ win?! _I _didn't even enter!"

Pikachu knocked him over. ("Shh! Be quiet and let the guy finish! I swear...")

"Our third winner is Nessxisxthexbestx2006!"

Everyone sweatdropped and looked at Ness, who frowned.

"...Why's everyone lookin' at me? That's not my screen name!"

"Sheesh, are you really that arrogant?" asked Nana. "Talk about unoriginal; you're worse than Pikachu."

"I'm telling you, that's not me!"

"Then who else would have such a ridiculous name?"

"I don't know! I'm surprised Lucas didn't have a stupid--" He narrowed his eyes. "That dork."

"After that is iceprincessa!"

Nana perked up. "Oh. Hey, wow. That's me. Weird. I didn't even know there was a contest."

"Next, it's..." The hand sweatdropped as he read out each letter of the disjointed name. "hfhjfhbjfjefwjdolkjdeudj?"

Popo jumped up and down. "Hey! Ooh, ooh! Mine! I know that one's mine! Really!"

His partner frowned. "Popo, what kind of a screen name is that?"

"Well, I couldn't think of anything, so I just hit the keyboard with my hammer. I actually kinda like it! Don't you?"

"...No."

"Then we have SuperNinten199X!"

"Ooh, ooh!" Ness waved his arms around. "That's mine! That one's mine!"

Pikachu scoffed. ("Of course it's yours. Only an ass wouldn't know what year he went on an adventure.")

"At least I have a scope of when it happened, unlike you."

("The only reason I don't know is because it happens in a future so awesome, it can't even be written down in any amount of numbers. Yours is just plain stupid.")

"And, last but not least, we have PoKeTtOmOnSuTaA493!"

The mouse chuckled. ("Well, duh. Of course I'm a winner. Been that way since 1996.")

"Congratulations to all the winners for winning! Your prize for doing so is a free visit from three friends and as many family members as you want! Please write down the names and relations of those who you want to visit, and they'll be here by dinner! Isn't that exciting?!"

Everyone else twirled their fingers about. "Whoop dee doo."

"Excellent! Get to it, Smashers!" And with that, he left.

Ness frowned. "...So, that's it? What kind bogus of prize is that?"

("The kind of prize where we get to bring some random losers from home for a little visit. It's something called 'expanding our prowess'. Geez, are you as deaf as you are dumb?")

Nana made a face. "That doesn't make any sense! Why would MH go and do something crazy and random like that? The whole thing feels a bit tacked on to me."

("SSE Week went over so well, he wanted to make a good follow-up to it. It's not every day something so ridiculously outlandish and unnecessary goes over well here.")

"That may be true, but I, for one, still find this a bit offensive."

Popo snickered. "You're just saying that because you don't have anyone to invite."

She narrowed her eyes. "Are you not in the same boat, mister?"

"Oh, what do I care?" He fed Strawberry-Limousine a hot dog. "I really don't know what we're doing on that mountain anymore."

("Like I said earlier, it's more for money and fanservice purposes than anything else. Just go with the flow; it could always be worse...")

"What I wanna know is how we all won," said Toon Link. "I told you, I didn't enter!"

"Yeah, I didn't even know there _was_ a contest," repeated Nana.

"I wasn't even here, so I didn't know, either... or care," said Ness, diving into his food.

Kirby blinked. "I knew there was gonna be a contest, but thought it was a scam, so I didn't enter."

"I don't even know what a contest is!" laughed Popo, Strawberry-Limousine happily sitting on his head.

("Then, you should all be thanking me for making up for your diverse, but still equally strong stupidity. I took out everyone else's names and put all ours in.")

"Wait a minute. You cheated? For all of us? Why?" questioned Nana.

He shrugged. ("Felt like it. What? A super star success can't do that?")

"I guess so, but I must say your motives are so sorely lacking."

He turned his nose up. ("Oh, who asked you, anyway? I did it, it's done, that's it, call your stupid friends and families and complain to them about how much you suck.")

Whether he wasn't listening or was too busy stuffing his face, Ness suddenly dropped his glass onto the floor, shattering it. "...What did you just say...?"

("What?")

He cleaned out an ear. "...W-what you just said... I-I think I heard you, but I... I don't know if it was you or the voices in my head again..."

Rolling his eyes, he turned to Nana again and repeated himself. ("Oh, who asked you, anyway? I did it, it's done, that's it, call your stupid friends and families and complain to them about how much you suck.")

"You _did_ say it!" He jumped onto the table. "Do you know what this means?!"

("Something stupid, I'm sure.")

"It means I can finally call... _her!"_ He clasped his hands together lovingly.

("Who, your mom?") snorted the mouse.

"Y'know what? I'm not gonna let your snide remarks bother me today, because today!" He slammed down a piece of paper on the table, pulling out a pen. "Will be the day you rue."

("Oh, boy. I'm really shaking over here.")

Annoyed at their nonsense, Nana changed the subject. "...Hey, where's Lucas? He needs to submit the names of his friends, right? As a matter of fact, I haven't seen him all day. He wasn't even here for breakfast."

Toon Link looked around cautiously. "...Don't tell anyone, but... I think Ness said he was getting his manhood removed. I know you guys like to screw around with me, so I'm not exactly sure what that means, but--"

She pouted, knowing exactly where he went. "Oh, that's nothing. I know where he is... You'd... rather not know."

He sweatdropped. "...I think you're right."

("Well, since Lucas is off doing who-cares-what, I guess we can fill in for him and invite some friends of his.") He looked around. ("...Anyone know who his friends are?")

"Uh, didn't he say yesterday he had a dog? That should count," said Toon Link.

Frowning, Pikachu turned to Ness. ("Hey, loser, you're closest to him. You know any--?")

Ness must've been suddenly possessed by Sonic or something, as he zoomed past everyone in the room, leaving a trail of fire behind him and sending tables, utensils, and Smashers flying everywhere.

("...Of course you don't. You don't know much of anything, do you? That's why you suck. I shouldn't have even asked.")

Nana sighed. "Kumatora, Duster, and Boney."

Popo blinked. "Are those Pokémon?"

"No, they're his friends. If you read up on him, like you were supposed to for _all_ the Smashers, you'd know that. It's one of the main rules of qualification, you know."

("Nana, that rule isn't for important people like me.")

"Or me!" added Kirby. "...But I know one of his friends is a girl..."

Pikachu eyed him. ("...Is she hot?")

"Um, she's hot_headed..."_

("Good enough!") He tossed Nana a pencil. ("Here. Write those guys' names down, but make sure you underline the girl's for more emphasis.")

"Now, hold on a min--!"

"Wow, who would've thunk Lucas knew a hot girl?" piped Toon Link. "Think she's nice?"

Kirby scratched his head. "Um... Maybe. I remember something about the girl, though... Something important..."

("Ooh! Maybe she puts out! Like Paula!")

Popo rolled his eyes. "Paula doesn't put out! Ness is just a pimp and doesn't want anyone to know it!"

("You're joking, right?")

He looked to Strawberry-Limousine, then rubbed his chin. "Wait... What?"

* * *

_**In Master Hand's office...**_

"Do you really think having this contest is a good idea?" asked Link, in there to receive the names of the winners' friends.

"Of course it is! This'll be the best contest since last year's Bring an Enemy to Work Week!"

He sweatdropped. "You realize that was a complete and total failure, right? And Crazy randomly deciding to join them didn't exactly help us, either."

"_**THEY SAID THEY'D GIVE ME CANDY IF I HELPED THEM, BUT THEY NEVER DID! AHHHHHHHHH!" **_screamed Crazy Hand, throwing himself out a randomly-placed window.

The other hand ignored him. "So we almost got overthrown by a few out-of-control baddies; big deal. You guys beat them, and it all worked out. Plus, it was profitable, so I consider that a success."

He scoffed. "Whatever. I guess seven winners're better than 35 this time..."

Just then, Ness zipped in, trail behind him ablaze.

"Here!" he growled, slamming the smoking paper before Link. "Now, make it so!"

The hand looked at it and frowned. "Ness, you need to invite more people than that. At least three."

"I only want her to come! No one else! Just her, understand?!" He latched onto his palm threateningly. _"Do you hear me?!"_

"Yes, but I refuse to comply with your request until you comply with mine: three friends or no friends!"

"...Fine." He let go. "I'll play your sick, little game. I'll play it, and I'll win." He angrily scribbled down two other names. "Now, make it so!"

Link took the paper. "...You really, really need counseling."

* * *

_**Meanwhile, in the Mario Room...**_

Sitting in front of a mirror, Jigglypuff admired her newly-styled curl. ("Ah, nice, silky, and clean; just how it should it be! As always, you're the girl, Peach.")

"Oh, good! I'm glad you like it! You have no idea how hard it is to work with your kind of... do." She went over to Zelda. "Hey, Z. Pick out a hairdo yet?"

Wet hair wrapped in a towel, Zelda flipped through a hairstyle magazine. "Urgh, I just can't make up my mind. These are all so last Tuesday..."

"Ooh, why not try the freestyle with a loose braid at the end? I'm sure it'll not only bring out our features, but it'll round out your face, too!" suggested Lucas, filing his nails.

Peach sweatdropped. "That's what she had before..."

She smiled. "Perfect! I'll have one of those."

"But you had that when you came in..."

"Well, there's nothing quite like back to the basics, huh?"

The other princess shrugged it off. "Oh, whatever. Lemme get Lucas first. I swear, his hair dries so quickly, you'd think it aired itself out!"

He smiled creepily. "It did."

She made a face at his comment, but decided to let it slide because he was so darn cute. "...Speaking of which, you need something to spruce up your style a bit. Why, it's just too cute not to sprinkle a little flair on it!"

He giggled. "Ooh, you tease! I bet you say that to all the girls!"

She tickled him. "Only sweetie pies like you! Okay, enough of that, silly-willy! Now, let's see what we can do..."

"Oh, I was thinking maybe a little off the top here and there. Y'know, to keep the split ends at bay. Not like I have any, mind you."

"Aw, you always say that. Maybe Zelda likes going with the same old hairdo, but you just looked so plain and mundane earlier! I think you should try something a little more... ravishing!"

He happily clapped his hands together. "Ooooh, I love ravishing! I wanna be ravishing! Make me ravishing!"

"Goodie! Then, let's go with something sweet, cute, and subtle. Just like your personality! How about a bow?"

"Nah, you know narrow-minded the guys are. They'll throw a fit if they catch me wearing that."

"Oh, come on! Don't be a stick in a mud! Show off your style, and be proud of it! We'll handle any losers who dare mess with it!"

"...I dunno. Remember when I tried the flower?"

"Well, at least Bowser missed and set Wario's head on fire instead... Besides, that's old news! C'mon! You know you wanna. Just this once, okay? If you don't like it, I'll take it off before you leave, all right?"

"...You promise?"

"I promise!"

"Well..." He smiled. "Ooooh, okay! I'll do it, but don't go overboard this time! Make it subtle! I want to look ravishing, not like a completely different person!"

"Oooooooh, I'm gonna have fun with this!" she laughed, scratching her fingers through his hair. "Jigglypuff, be a dear and grab a ribbon from the bureau!"

"And make it pink! I'm feeling a little devious now..." added Lucas, twiddling his thumbs.

"Good call!" squealed Peach, shaking his shoulders. "Ooh, you're such a bundle of wet kisses! Why can't all guys be like you?!"

* * *

_**Back at lunch...**_

Pikachu filed the papers together. ("Okay, we got all the names. Now someone go give them to MH so we can this mess over with.")

At that moment, Ness came back. "H--"

("No. Now make yourself useful and go give these to MH.")

"WTF? Do it yourself! I just got back from seeing the guy!" He crossed his arms. "Him and his damn rules and regulations..."

"You didn't go psycho on him again, did you?" sighed Nana.

He pouted. "...Maybe a little, but he had it coming."

"Oh, whatever," she scoffed, taking the papers from Pikachu. "I'll do it myself, before we all get thrown into another dimension, or something."

As she left, Ness resumed sitting. "So, uh... Who'd you guys invite?"

("None of your beeswax,") huffed Pikachu, deciding to fiddle with his camcorder again. ("All of you should already know who they are, so you'll see when they get here.")

"I called some old buddies of mine," said Kirby, "but I don't wanna spoil it, so you'll just have to wait!"

Toon Link shrugged. "Same here... I guess."

Popo fed Strawberry-Limousine some bacon. "...We won a contest?!"

He sweatdropped. "And Lucas?"

("Hell if I know, but we covered for him, the lazyass. Heard he's got a hot girl coming.")

Ness blinked in shock. "...Did you say, 'hot _girl_'?"

("Yes, if you can bother to comprehend that.")

A smile spread across his face. "Well, looks like Lucas has been holding out on us..."

"What do you mean?" asked the puffball.

"Isn't it obvious?!"

Crickets chirped in response, everyone looking totally out of it, save Pikachu, who was tuning the camcorder.

"...Guys, Lucas has... a girlfriend!"

Everyone at the table gasped, several drinks and foods being dropped in the process.

"Psst!" Popo tugged on Pikachu. "What's a girlfriend?"

The mouse glared. ("Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?")

"Not until four. Why?"

"Ha!" Ness crossed his arms smugly. "I knew it! All that girly-girly stuff was probably just a ruse so he could get all the girls here to like him! No way a fellow counterpart could actually be so naturally feminine!"

Toon Link bit his lip. "...I wouldn't put it past him..."

Pikachu peered through the camcorder. ("News flash, Ness: nobody cares. You're probably planning on stealing her from him, anyway.")

"Says the guy who's actually gonna do it! News flash, Pikachu: I already have a girlfriend, and I bet she's way hotter than Lucas'!"

He lowered the camcorder. ("...Dude! We should get them into a girlfight! Oh, that'd kick more ass than my game sales!")

"My girl's not into that, so good luck with it."

("Fine.") He raised the camcorder again. ("Then, both their bodies shall be mine to ogle and snuggle into as much as I see fit.")

Upon finishing that statement, Pikachu's camcorder went sailing through the air, landing in a less-than-surprised Nana's arms, who just returned from Master Hand's office in time to see Ness dive across the table and the tackle to cocky rat to the floor.

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**__ Hooray, another contest, another two-parter, another fit of insanity! _


	22. Fiendish Friends Fight Friendly Foes! P2

_**Authoress' Notes**__**: **__When a hamster, a Suicune, a pirate, a cowboy, a nerd, and a Polar Bear are only a few of many other weirdoes who've come to visit you and your friends, things can get pretty ugly real fast. Now with 50 percent more misunderstanding!_

* * *

_**What Goes On**_

_**Chapter 22: **__Fiendish Friends Fight Friendly Foes! (Part 2)_

* * *

_**At dinner...**_

Standing before the great, totally grandiose Smash Mansion, Master Hand cleared his throat before some people who weren't really supposed to be there. Crazy Hand was there, too, but he was currently too busy rolling around and having a seizure on the lawn.

"Welcome all allies and relatives of the winners! You've all been in invited to stay and have dinner with whoever summoned you! Please feel free to take any souvenirs, food, items, or whatever back home with you and get the word out about our services."

"Uh, don't you think everyone knows about this smash thing by now? Especially with the main characters kinda, oh, I dunno, missing?" asked Rick.

"Well, it still doesn't hurt to advertise a little. You can never have enough support!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can we come in now?" scoffed Linebeck.

"But of course!" He opened the huge double doors. "Now, remember to have fun and that, because you're guests, everything is free game! Go on and rough up a few of the Smashers if you wish, even if you've never them before in your life! I hereby encourage all of you to start some inexplicable ballyhoo!"

Everyone sweatdropped as he inexplicably disappeared, Crazy Hand following suit.

("Sheesh, I thought he'd never shut up...") muttered a Raikou.

"Well," A redhead cracked her knuckles, "time to get started!"

The shady-looking guy near her sweatdropped. "Kuma, please don't do anything we'll regret. I know you're still sore about not being invited, but... just let it go, okay?"

"Oh, you think I'm still pissed about Lucas being invited when he _didn't even apply_, as opposed to me sending my entry form _at least 569 times?! _I bet you must really think that, huh, Duster?"

"Well--"

Stomping inside and heading straight for the lunchroom, she kicked the doors open._** "What-what, in the butt?! Hey, y'all! Make way, because the masters are in the house!"**_

Boney frowned. ("...Do you have to be so loud?")

"Of course I do! I wanna show everyone how much spirit I have, especially _since I wasn't invited to the brawl_!" she said, extra loud so everyone could hear.

"Uh, excuse me, dude? Care to keep it down a bit?" asked a nearby Link, raising an eyebrow. "You obviously weren't invited for a reason..."

The poor swordsman was soon sent hurdling over several other Smashers' heads, finally coming to land in an inconveniently-place vat of chocolate pudding.

Innocently standing by and eating a brownie, Pit quietly walked away. "Your interests scare me."

"Uh..." Paula sweatdropped. "Wow, this Lucas guy must be a real jerk. I wonder if Ness has mutilated him yet..."

Jeff adjusted his glasses. "Of course he has. I bet he's already taken over this whole establishment and just told everyone to go with the flow so we wouldn't get suspicious!"

"Oh, well, then we know Link is screwed," scoffed Tetra, crossing her arms.

Aryll frowned. "Oh noes! Big brother's not in trouble, is he?"

A Polar Bear smiled. "Ooh, I know! Let's all have a refreshing carbonated soda!"

Suicune walked off. ("I know who Ness is, but I assure you, he hasn't taken over much of anything. I should know; I technically 'live' here.")

"You think Kirby knows about this?" Rick asked Coo.

The owl shook his head. "Kirby doesn't know much of anything these days."

"YO, LOOOOOOOOOOOOCAS!" called Kumatora, walking around. "Hey, Lucas! Where are you, Lucas? We've come to see how much manlier you've become! Don't be shy; unless you've been taking drugs, we won't think any less of you!"

("Uh, you guys those guys the other guys called, 'cuz they won the contest?") absentmindedly asked Yoshi, sitting on a table.

"What? Wanna start somethin', Dragon Boy? C'mon, let's go--!"

Duster held her back. "Y-yes! Yes, we are! Why?"

("Oh, okay, then. This is the table we use for special events, birthday parties, and when Master Hands wants us all to sit together like some sort of crazy, disjointed family for random, unexplained reasons! Feel free to sit and wait for your friends! Also...") He pulled out a bunch of menus. ("Dinner choices! Pick what you want and we'll get back to you with the food! Okay, thanks, bye! Have fun!")

As he walked off, everyone took a seat at the larger table, looking at the menus.

"Well, this is very nice," said Poo.

"Yeah, right! They're gonna try something shady sooner or later!" proclaimed Jeff, looking around. "Just you wait..."

"You think they'll try to poison us if we don't give them what they want?" joked Tetra.

"I wouldn't be surprised. This food's horrible, anyway," snorted Linebeck, throwing his menu back on the table.

"Oh, I don't think so," smiled Duster. "I think I'll get this, this, this, this, this, some of that, a lot of this, and maybe some of this... And that."

Flint frowned at his menu, crossing his arms.

"Where's the carbonated soda?!" barked the Polar Bear.

A Topi sweatdropped. "Uh, maybe under the little section over here called 'Beverages'?"

"We might as well not even order anything; Kirby'll just suck it all up," said Rick.

"Well, I'm sure going to try," responded Coo, looking over the choices. "That guy needs to learn some self-control, anyway..."

Paula nodded. "Oh, that sounds just like Ness, the little knucklehead. I'm sure he's probably in solitary confinement by now... I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't show up."

Kumatora smiled sarcastically. "So that must make your little boyfriend is our Lucas' rival. We've heard about him... Sure he didn't completely and totally massacre him in the process of his evident insanity?"

She laughed. "Ness _would _do something like that, but he probably just made Lucas his little lackey. He has a bit of a superiority complex sometimes."

"More like all the time!" growled Jeff. "He never notices us anymore, ever!"

Poo smiled. "He notices _me_."

The nerd made a face. "...Ew."

Before Paula could comment on how wrong the conversation was becoming, the doors busted open again, Pikachu falling to the ground as Ness towered over him.

("Cripes, man! Run me over, why don'tcha?!") He retrieved his dropped camera. ("If this thing's broken, you're gonna pay for it!")

"Well, it's not my fault you were in the friggin' way!"

_("Stuff you!")_

"_**Stuff you, too!"**_

("Well, spank you very much, good sir! I hope I can be of some service in the near future!")

"I don't need your stinkin' service!"

("Then you'll be getting the business from me!")

"What, from your dumb merchandise?!"

("No! In your ass from my foot!")

"I'd like to see you try!"

("Good, 'cuz your face is gonna get a lot of it, too!")

The two continued arguing and walking until they reached the table, still at it. Everyone else had long noticed the others sitting there, but decided to let the two continue to add a comedic, yet cruel effect.

Finally, Nana couldn't take it anymore_**. "Guys, shut up! We've heard it all before, so just shut up!"**_

"--outta shove a hot dog up your ass, then who'll be the smart one?! Me!"

They both stopped and looked up, realizing not only were they at another table, but that three times as many people were sitting there.

"_Told you he's taken over..."_ whispered Jeff to Poo.

Pikachu frowned at Ness. ("This is all your fault, you know.")

"_Paula!" _Ness pushed him out of his seat in a fevered attempt to scramble over to the girl, latching onto her almost as he'd gotten it from Lucas. "It's you! It's really you! Wait, it is, right? This isn't another one of those dumb hallucinations, is it?! Please tell me that's you!_ Don't disappoint me! It has to be you this time!"_

"Ness, have you been eating unsanitary food again? You look a little out of it... I mean, more so than usual..."

"_It is you! It's not a dream!"_ He nearly squeezed the life out of her. _"After all this time, it's finally you! You have no idea how much I've missed you! C'mon, Paula! Give your sexy universe-saving boyfriend a hug!"_

"Please stop," she muttered monotonously. "You smell like heated testosterone."

Jeff scoffed. "Oh, what're we, chopped liver?"

Poo raised an eyebrow. "It would appear so..."

Kirby squealed. "Hi, it's my buddies! Long time, no see! I'm glad you made it!"

"Like we have anything else to do?" shrugged Rick.

Coo angrily elbowed him. "Shh! Don't say that, or we'll never appear in another game!"

Gasping, Kine sat on the table. "Kirby... Do me a favor and tell these dopes how dehydrated I am... Considering I'm a, oh, I don't know... A fish?!"

Smiling, Kirby responded, "I have no idea what that means!"

"Hey, Tetra. It's nice to see you didn't blow me off like I knew you would," laughed Toon Link.

"Oh, wow, so you're still alive, huh?" She punched him in the arm. "Good job. Maybe sailing around with you isn't such a bad idea after all."

"Thanks?"

"Do you want a soda?!" offered the Polar Bear. "It's carbonated, you know?!"

Nana declined. "No, thanks. We only drink diet."

"Ah! Of course! Should've guessed..."

Kumatora looked around. "Um, hello? All the kid people and animal things? Uh, where's our Lucas? As shocking as it seems, we actually _want_ to see him!"

Boney hung his head. ("I don't even smell him around here...")

Duster made a face. "Oh, don't tell me he's not coming... Or that he's dead or something."

Flint frowned.

He sweatdropped. "...I mean, not that he would be..."

"You!" Kumatora stomped over and pried Ness off Paula. "You must have something to do with this!"

"Maybe. I tend to. Who're you, anyway?"

"I'll ask the questions around here, chump! You're that rival of Lucas', aren't you? Yeah, way to try and look_ just _like him, you little copycat!"

"Uh, technically, _he's _the clone, not me."

"Yeah, right! You're just tryin' to cop his style, then milk him for all he's worth so you'll have the ultimate advantage, huh?!"

He scoffed. "If I even wanted to look a speck like Lucas, I'd get a sex change."

At this, Duster snickered. Kumatora glared a hole through him. "What's so funny?!"

"N-no," He tried stifle his laughter. "I didn't say anything. Seriously, really... Kuma, I didn't say anything! I didn't!"

Ness frowned as he said that. "Wait, don't tell me... _You're _that girl?"

"Damn straight I am! Got a problem with that?"

"Dude, you look like... well, a dude..." He laughed. "Nice try, but seriously, where's his hot girlfriend? I wanna compare and prove mine's hotter."

"_**Girlfriend?!"**_ Ness' face soon met the table in a most unpleasant way, Kumatora storming back to her seat.

Kirby perked up. "Ooh! Ooh! Ness! I just remembered that important thing about Kumatora I said earlier! She's got awesomely pink hair!"

Annoyed, he sat up. "...Oh, okay. Yeah, thanks for telling me that before something horrible happened. You're a real lifesaver, Kirby."

Toon Link blinked. "_That's _Kumatora? Uh... she's not exactly... um, all that pretty and lovely and girly... If you catch my drift..."

("Cool!") Pikachu exclaimed while filming. ("A lesbian! Lucas' girl is a lesbian! Wow, this is so awesome! Not only that, but your girl's one, too! It's two-for-one deal! You two sure have awesome tastes in women! A little weird, but still awesome!")

Toon Link blushed. "S-she's not my 'girl'! J-just a traveling companion!" Horrified, he turned to her. "I swear, I never said that! Don't believe a word he says! It's all a bunch of lies!"

Kumatora towered over him. _"...Did you just call me a lesbian?!"_

Tetra also ganged up on him. _"He did, and me too!"_

The mouse continued filming. ("Ooh, I'm about to get beat down by a pair of hot lesbians! Cool! It's like a threesome, but potentially fatal!")

Nana shook her head. "Dumb boys..."

Knocking Pikachu's block off, Tetra scowled. _"Oh, and I don't suppose we're woman enough for anyone else at this stinkin' table?!"_

Nearly every guy's face fell at that, unsure of how to respond.

"_You all suck!"_ She sat back down, fuming.

Kumatora huffed. _"And where the hell is Lucas? I'm starting to get annoyed here!"_

* * *

_**In the Mario Room...**_

"And I was all, 'Oh, no you didn't!' and he was all, 'Oh, yes, I did!' And then I bashed his brains out with the Home-Run Bat!" laughed Peach, doing his nails.

"Oooh, you go, girl! That's showing him who's boss!" nodded Lucas, unable to do much more because he was in the middle of a facial.

"I know! I nearly knocked him into last week! That'll be the last time Fox tries to ask to me where I get my servants from!" She demonstrated by pulling out a horrified-looking Toad.

"FOR GAWD SAKE'S, MAN, HELP ME!" He screamed, foaming at the mouth. "YOU'D THINK BEING STUFFED UP A LADY'S DRESS WOULD BE THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THE CRAP SHE'S GOT STUFFED IN THERE?! IT'LL MAKE YOU SWEAR OFF MUSHROOMS AND WOMEN FOREVER, MAN! AND SHE'S--!"

"All right, that's enough of that." She returned him to his hellhole. "You get my point, though."

"And how!"

"Also, I must admit I'm really glad you went to go get that cute little pink outfit of yours. It really sets off the cherry blossom nail polish you so masterfully chose as your color. And the aquamarine shorts? Your butt officially has more flair than anyone else in this room."

Zelda pouted. "But I've got a lot of flair... Especially in this new hairdo."

("...Which is what you had when you came in here...") said Jigglypuff, now toting a straw hat. ("And as for the flair thing, this genuine country ribbon panama takes the cake in fashion. You gals know you can't handle this.")

"Jiggly, you're wearing a hat, something nearly half the roster here has already accomplished."

("...At least I'm doing it in style.")

"Ladies, ladies, no need to quarrel," said Lucas. "We're all fashionably fashionable, if I do say so myself, so why not relish in that?"

Peach smiled. "Oh, my goodness! You have no idea how refreshing it is to hear a guy say that! You actually understand us! I keep trying to tell Mario all my problems, but he always looks at me as if I'm about to get kidnapped!"

Applying some new lipstick, Hyrulian sweatdropped. "Peach, you always get kidnapped."

"No, I don't."

("...Uh, yes, you do,") added Jigglypuff, sipping her tea near the bureau.

"Nooooo, I doooooon't," she sang.

"But you d--"

"_No, I don't, okay?! I don't, all right?! So, just... just... Just drop it!"_

"..."

...Silence filled the room until Lucas chirped, "Boy, ta-tas sure are nice to have!"

"I know! Aren't they?!"

"They're, like, so awesome!"

("Lifesavers! Pure and simple!")

"I wanna give them a big hug!"

("I don't have any, but the feeling is there!")

"Couldn't go on without them!"

"Ooh! That reminds me..." Peach turned to Jigglypuff. "Darling, what time is it? Everyone knows how time flies when you're having fun!"

She eyed the clock. ("Er, it's about 10 to eight.")

Zelda dropped her makeup. "10 to eight?!"

"Oh, she's lying. I--" Peach looked at the clock and freaked. "Ohmigosh, she's right! We have to go!"

Lucas sat up, cucumber slices falling off his eyes. "We do?! OMG, oh jeez!"

"Waitwaitwait! Lemme go wash my hands!"

"Who's got the nail polish?!"

("Don't spill the makeup!")

"Make sure to put the perfume back in its proper place!"

"Where's the chocolate?!"

("Who's got my lotion?!")

Lucas bounced up and down in front of the bureau. "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! How do I look?! Is it okay?! I'm too excited! I can't see!"

Peach grabbed him and fluffed his hair. "Aw, you look gorgeous, sweetie cakes! Don't worry about a thing! Now you scoot on to dinner and have yourself a good time with your makeover, and always remember--"

They squealed in unison, "Don't hate; appreciate, girlfriend!"

_**

* * *

**_

Back in the lunchroom...

Kumatora angrily tapped her foot while Duster tried to calm her. "N-now, Kuma. Just relax, and I'm sure Lucas should show up soon. Please don't go off on anybody this time. We don't need another potentially fatal lawsuit..."

"Well, he'd better not be hiding from us again! I swear, I'll tear this place apart if he is! And when I find him, ooh, he's gonna regret it..."

"Is he a real scatterbrained nobody like Link here?" laughed Tetra.

Toon Link resented that. "Hey! I've gotten better..."

"No, he's a total drama queen baby sissy pants, or as he would say, 'a pacifist'."

"Oh. Link acts like that sometimes, so I can identify."

"Come on, Tetra! I can't be _that_ bad!"

"...OMG! Nana! There's a pirate at the table!" Popo grabbed Strawberry-Limousine and ducked behind her. "Watch out, she might have scurvy!"

She sighed. "You_ just_ realized that?"

"_**CAW!" **_screeched a condor, diving down from nowhere and carrying Popo away.

"Hey! Look, Nana! It's Sally!" He pet the bird's talons. "Good ol' Sally, how ya been, buddy?!"

"_**CAW!"**_ The question must've been a touchy subject, as the thing released Popo, allowing him to slam into the floor.

"...Hooray for physics!" he exclaimed, somehow perfectly fine.

Linebeck sweatdropped. "You, boy, might be legally insane..."

Since Lucas was way late, Pikachu walked over to Paula, deciding to kill some time by annoying Ness. ("Hey, Paula! Behold my small, furry body and evil beady eyes of doom! You cannot resist my charm! Do not even try!")

"Aw... A Pikachu..." She picked him up. "Oh, he's so cute and fuzzy!"

("Yes, yes! Snuggle me! Behold my prowess and give in to my demands!")

Ness fumed. "Paula, don't listen to him! It's a trap! He's just trying to trick you! You're giving in to his power!"

"Oh, come off it, Ness. You're so paranoid..." She stroked him. "I actually think he really likes me!"

("Ooh, you're pretty _and_ smart. Yes, I like you. I really like you. I'd like you even more if keep petting me like this.")

Ness was ready to bash his brains out when Kirby saved him the trouble, kicking him out of Paula's grasp. "Hey, Paula! Look at me! I'm cuter!"

"Ooh, it's Kirby!" She hugged him. "Hello, there! Aren't you a chipper little ball of fun?"

"I am! I'm also irresistibly cute and huggable! SWEAR TO ME!"

"Aw..." She continued squeezing him. "I wish all aliens were this cute and peaceful. They could learn something from a sweet and lovable sweetheart like you!"

Ness pushed Kirby from her grip. "Oh, yes, I'm sure they could... So, uh, yeah. Back to me, your boyfriend. Whatcha been doin' lately? Miss me? 'Cuz I missed you."

She blew him off. "That's nice. What about your _other _friends? The ones you haven't even bothered talking to?"

He frowned. "Oh, yeah." He faced them. "'Sup?"

Jeff opened his mouth. "I--"

"Okay, enough of that." He went back to Paula. "So... whatcha been doin' lately? Miss me? 'Cuz I missed you."

"You're a lost cause..." she grumbled.

At that moment, Lucas came skipping and hopping in along with the other girls, tittering and giggling like eating dinner so gonna be so fantabulous and funny. Ness twitched in horror, while his friends simply waited for the impending conflict.

"Hi, Nessy-pooooooooo..!" He stopped and blanched in horror as he realized the four familiar people sitting at the table, frowning. After all this time, to see their assumed tough guy prance out and calling that was nothing short of awkward. ...This would not end well...

Duster blinked. "...Did you just call that guy 'Nessy-poo'?"

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... I'm not really Lucas, I'm his evil... cousin... who's actually a robot... made with his DNA... Also, I have lasers that I fire from my... butt."

Kumatora crossed her arms. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah..." He looked around. "...Really." Spotting an inconveniently-placed empty seat next to Ness, he zipped over to it, angrily whispering, _"Ness! What's going on?! Where'd all these people come from?! And what're they doing here?!"_

"Long story short, we won a stupid contest where some of our buds come to mooch off our merchandise."

"_Why didn't you guys tell me this?!"_

("We shouldn't have to! Memos! They are put in the hall for a reason, people!") spat Pikachu.

"_Well, why'd you call mine?! You could've at least warned me first! OMG, this is so embarrassing! I didn't want them to see me like this!"_

"So what? Aren't they used to it by now?"

"_Not like this!"_ he retorted, starting to whine.

"Yo!" barked Kumatora. "What's with all the whispering? You trying to hide something, Lucas?"

Paula smiled. "Aw, so you're Lucas, then? Ness' rival? The one fighter in this tournament who actually poses a threat because you copy his style? Oh, you're so cute! You're nothing like Ness said you were."

"Yeah!" Jeff turned to Ness. "You said he was a ravenous werewolf alien zombie pirate who disguised himself to look like a kid 'cuz he eats children for dinner!"

Ness reclined on his arms. "Oh well, maybe I lied. Who cares?"

"I do! Poor little guy. You're absolutely precious!" Paula pet his head. "And is this conditioned?"

"Well, yeah, but it's more natural than anything--"

"Awwwwwwwwwwww!" She hugged him. "What a little bundle of joy you are! A breath of fresh air! ...And is this a bow?! Oh, you're adorable! You look so cute! You're just a little sweetie pie, aren't you?"

He beamed. "Yay!"

Kirby pouted. "But I'm cuter..."

Ness waved his hands in frustration. "Um, hello? Hot boyfriend over here? Y'know, the really manly one who doesn't know and/or care what you girls are talking about?"

"Ness, hush! You're so childish! Can't you see I'm trying to get acquainted with our alter egos? And who knew their fighter was such a cutie-patootie? I'm so glad being cute isn't illegal, otherwise, they'd lock you up and throw away the key!"

He sweatdropped. "Um, okay. I guess that's some sort of a compliment..."

"I'm already acquainted with that guy! Too much, in fact!"

Boney sweatdropped, Flint said nothing, Duster frowned, and Kumatora was far from amused.

Pikachu snorted. ("Wrong choice of words there, buddy.")

Kumatora frowned. "Uh, Lucas? Hate to break you up with Little Miss Tuffet over there, but... what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm not Lucas. I--"

"Lucas... Don't screw. I don't like being screwed with, okay?"

He sweatdropped. "...Um, I'm trying to get acquainted with our alter egos?"

She scoffed, then laughed. "Yeah... Very funny, you're hilarious. Now, stop fooling around and get over here. I got a few questions for your late ass..."

His mouth drooped. "...B-but... I don't wanna..."

Boney looked offended. ("After all this time of being away from home, you don't want to sit next to your bestest best buddy ever? Lucas, I'm hurt!")

Ness cut his eyes at the blonde. "Hmm, 'bestest best buddy', huh? Where've I heard that before?"

Lucas started sweating bullets. "N-no, that's not it! I... I, uh, feel faint... And I need sustenance by sitting over here with Ness 'cuz he's such a great psychic! Yeah, that's it!"

"You actually think that butterball's better than you?!" growled Kumatora. "Manlier, yes, but I can tell by those deadpan eyes of his that he's way past his prime!"

"Deadpan ey--?! Oh, c'mon! You have them, too!"

"N-no... I think I'll stay over here for now... But thanks for the offer..." Pulling away from Paula, he resumed sitting way too close to Ness. "Thanks for the love, but I gotta spread it to Ness now. Y'know, since he's my role model and all."

"Awwwwwwww! That's so cute that you admire him, your would-be rival! That has to be the sweetest thing ever!" She poked her lip out at Ness. "Why don't you act like that?"

"This guy's a freakin' psychopath! This is not cute! Look at how close he is to me! Look at this! What is this?!" He narrowed his eyes at him. "Do you understand the concept of personal space?"

"Do _you_ understand the concept of love?"

"...What kind of a sane guy says that?!"

"Actually, Lucas says that kind of stuff all the time..." said Duster. "Although... he is a bit more... er, flamboyant around you."

"See?! Even the serial rapist agrees with me!"

"I'm not a serial rapist!" Offended, he turned to Kumatora. "Do I... Do I really look like one?"

"Oh, now don't you go all loopy on me! We already lost Lucas; we don't need another nutcase to worry about!"

It was then Ness decided to drop the bomb. "...Hey Lucas, I don't know why you're sitting over here with me when you could be sitting over there with your girlfriend."

He snapped his head at him. _**"WHAT?!"**_

Pikachu kept rolling the film. ("Ooh, intrigue, intrigue! Classic, pure and simple!")

"Ness, you don't seriously think I'm--! I-I mean, come on! She's not--! And I'm--! And then, there's--! Age difference! W-w--!" He pouted. "I am shocked appalled you would say such a thing. You know our bond's strength and how nothing can come between us ever!"

Flint frowned.

He sweatdropped. "Heh heh... I mean, um... You know what? I'm hungry! Where's the food?"

"Why don't you have a taste of your girlfriend over there? I bet she'd make an awesome appetizer."

"Ooooooooooooh!" 'ooh'ed everyone else.

Lucas blushed. "Oh, Ness! This stress isn't good for me! It'll ruin my mascar--" He cut his eyes at Flint. "Masculinity! That's what I said! Real men don't blush!"

"Aw, but I think it's nice! You've got a girlfriend who's almost as creepy as you! Bonus points on the fact she's way, way older."

"_She's not my girlfriend!"_

"Well, she _is _a girl, and she _is _your friend, therefore, she's your girlfriend!" His face soured. "...Unless she's actually your boyfriend. Would that make you her girlfriend? ...Or are you both boyfriends to each other? Girlfriends?"

He blushed even deeper. "No, stop it! It's not like that! Seriously!"

Kumatora threw her hands up. "Okay, that's it! I don't know what the hell's going on here, but Lucas!" She snapped her fingers. "Plant it over here. Right now, mister."

"...Can't I just--"

"_Right now, mister!"_

"But I--!"

"_Get over here!"_

"Kumaaaaaaaa, don't make me do iiiiiiit! Pleeeeeeease?"

"Lucas, I'm gonna count to ten. And I'm sure you know I'm a fast counter."

"You're not serious--!"

"Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnine--!"

"_Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...!"_ he groaned, reluctantly going over, but not before Ness whispered in his ear.

"_Psst! Hey, make sure you give your girlfriend a kiss for me, just don't start making out at the table..."_

"Man!" He pouted, blushing again. "Why're you being so mean to me today?!"

"I'm not being mean. I'm just trying to spend time with _my_ girlfriend--" He pointed at Paula. "See? This cute, little girl right here-- while you spend time with_ your_ girlfriend. See? The creepy manlady over there."

"Ooh, that's not funny! You--!" He was cut by Kumatora pulling him into a headlock and giving him a noogie.

"Get over here, you! Now we're one big happy family again! Am I right?!"

Boney wagged his tail. ("Right!")

Lucas pouted. "...I don't care..."

"Um, yeah, I guess." Duster looked around. "Can we eat now?"

Flint raised an eyebrow at Lucas.

"And--!" She frowned, still holding Lucas' head. "..."

He sweatdropped. "...What?"

"...Lucas... I'm going to ask you a very serious question, and you're going to lie to me, but I'll ask it anyway... Are you wearing mascara?"

"Um... no?"

"Oh, okay." She let him go, allowing him a false sense of relief. "Now let me allow this as a response... _**What... the... bloody hell?!"**_

He scrambled for an answer. "Uh! Uh! I got attacked by a horde of fangirls who thought I was their lost member! Uh! It wasn't that bad! They said it makes me look pretty! Don't you want me to look pretty?!"

"Oh, yeah, you're pretty, all right; pretty _**INSANE!**_ WTF is wrong with you, man?! You can't run around here looking like that!" She glared at the other three. "Why isn't this bothering you guys?! Are you okay with this?! Does this look normal to you?!"

("Lucas is my master; I'm not supposed to care!") happily proclaimed Boney.

Duster shrugged. "I'm too hungry to care. Where's our food? We just got done ordering, and everyone else is eating, so where's ours? And do I really look like a serial rapist?"

Flint continued frowning.

"Kuma, I think you're blowing this totally out of proportion. I don't see the big deal..."

"Lucas, what happened to 'Mr. Manly' and, 'I'm gonna change my ways, guys!'?!"

"Okay, well, actually _you _said I'd come back as 'Mr. Manly', and when I said I was gonna change my ways, I didn't exactly specify..."

"..." Kumatora then proceeded to grab Lucas and shake him like a Polaroid picture.

"...OMG! Nana, watch out! There's a serial rapist at the table!" screamed Popo, pointing at Duster.

"That's nice."

"What?! No, I'm not! ...Do I really look like one, though?"

"Okay!" giggled Kirby, completely negating everything else going on at the table for some reason. "Now, that everyone's here, time to introduce them! Guess I'll go first. First off, this is Rick the hamster! He's soft and fuzzy and gives me piggyback rides, even though I can walk by myself!"

He waved. "Hey, all. I'm just here because I've got nothing better to do."

"Next is Coo the owl! He's soft and feathery and carries me through the air, even though I can fly by myself!"

"The system's actually more complicated than that, but I'd rather not go into it."

"Last, and probably not least, it's Kine the fish! He's into water aerobics and he helps me swim, even though I can swim by myself! My friends are completely useless, but they sure make me look cute!"

Flat on the table, Kine gasped. "Um, Kirby? Funny thing about fish... They really enjoy being in water every now and again..."

Pikachu continued filming. ("I don't have to introduce my guys. Raikou, Suicune, Entei. You all should know them by now, for they are the best trilogy of anything in the universe... ever.")

("Why am I not in the tournament this time?") asked Raikou. ("Articuno and Zapdos got jipped, too. What's so special about Moltres, Entei, and Suicune? I smell conspiracy!")

("Maybe we just lucked out,") said Suicune.

("Who really cares, anyway?") scoffed Entei.

"Uh, well..." Nana scratched her head. "No one else is allowed on our mountain, so we just brought some enemies. Uh, here's a Topi. He likes ice."

"I'm not a baby seal!" declared the Topi.

"This is... a Polar Bear. He likes carbonated soda."

"ENJOY!" he shouted, chugging down some soda.

"And last is... Sally the condor, who steals vegetables from us on a regular basis, but it's usually in good fun, so--"

"_**CAW!"**_ growled Sally, attacking Popo.

"Uh, that thing looks more like a pterodactyl than a condor to me," remarked the capped psychic.

She scowled at him. "Well, you know what, Ness? Sally's not a pterodactyl, all right? Looking is not the same thing as being, all right? So, do me a favor and stop trying to patronize me, all right?!"

"...Fine, then." He cleared his throat. "My turn now! I have the coolest team of friends ever! You guys can't handle this! I've got everything a heroic guy like me needs! Paula, my hot, sexy girlfriend, Jeff, some guy with glasses, and Poo, a martial arts dude! And with me, the sexiest thing since sex, we're a quadruple threat! Yeah!"

Paula pinched him. "Gloat much? You're completely blowing our image out of proportion! That's not how you introduce your friends!"

He stuck his lip out. "But I was making us look good..."

"And you did a good job, but it's time to sit down now."

"But--"

"Ness..."

"Awwwwwwwwww, you're no fun!" He sat down, pouting.

"Yeah, and I'm an Assist Trophy, too!" whined Jeff. "Why didn't you tell them that? It's my best quality here!"

"I thought you hated everything about being an Assist Trophy. You complain about it every chance you get," said Poo.

"Well, yeah, but it's still pretty cool... I mean, around here, anyway."

Toon Link stood. "Well. Here with me, I have Tetra, who's the captain of a pirate ship and leads pirates around to uh... y'know, do pirate stuff."

Tetra crossed her arms. "Wow, you make it sound _soooo _interesting."

"Uh, next is Linebeck. He's like, an advisor, captain, pirate... Something. I don't really even know anymore."

"What a waste of my precious time!" he spat. "Sitting around here like this is some sort of PTA meeting! Say, any of you kids feel like doing some backbreaking labor for no pay? It'll be worth your while, since I'll get all the treasure!"

He groaned. "Please stop; no one's interested. Last but not least, Aryll, my little sister and--"

"Hey, big bro! Didja tell them that Tetra's actually a princess, and that you ogle her from behind while on the ship, and that's why you're always out of it all the time?!"

Frowning, she towered over him. "Excuse me?!"

He sweatdropped. "T-that's not true! I-I-I swear it's not! Y-you know how these little kids are! She's just joking! Heh heh heh..."

"You jerk! So _that's _why you're always dropping the maps all over the place! So you can get a peek at my goods?! I outta keelhaul you for that!"

He cowered. "I-if it's any consolation, you've got a very cute butt!"

"I--!" She backed off. "Oh. Really? ...Y'think so? Huh. ...Well, in that case, thank you. But seriously, don't do it again, or I'll have you shanghaied."

"Yes, ma'am, sorry, ma'am. Won't happen again, ma'am..." He meekly responded, puckering his lips and twiddling his thumbs.

Pikachu grinned. ("Cool! The lesbian kicked your ass! See, I told you guys Sheik was a girl!")

She scowled. "I'm not a lesbian, you little bilge pump rat!"

"What is up with Zelda and all of her split personalities anyway?" asked Ness. "Do you like crossdressing, or something?"

"None of your business, you little dork!"

("All right, all right, save the fighting for other women-- I mean, later.") Pikachu put the camera on Lucas. ("Okay, pussy. Your turn. And try not to wet your pants, or anything.")

He sighed. "...Do I have to? Can't they just introduce themselves?"

Kumatora clocked him over the head. "You gonna let that little rat insult you like that?! Go over there and tear his ears off and use them as chopsticks!"

"But I don't wanna..."

"'I don't wanna', 'I don't wanna'! Do you wanna ever do anything?!"

"I wanna go and sit with Ness..."

"Well, that ain't happenin', buddy!"

He groaned. "...Fine. ...Uh, this lady's Kumatora. She's not a lesbian, but she acts like one."

She frowned. "What kinda half-assed introduction is that?! Tell them all about my prowess as a psychic, not to mention the fact I let you borrow my moves for this stupid thing!"

Ness laughed. "You mean none of his attacks are actually his? They all came from you?"

"That's right, butterball! His attacks were too wimpy, so I had to give him a crash course on how not to suck in mortal combat! ...But judging by the looks of things, he didn't learn too much, did he?"

Paula frowned. "Ness, I don't know why you think that's so funny. None of your moves are yours either."

He stopped. "Now why'd you have to go and say that?"

Despite being embarrassed, Lucas went on. "This guy's Duster. He... steals stuff... or whatever."

Said thief blinked. "But I do it for a good cause... I think. By the way, you guys have anything to eat? I'm starving, and Kuma said there'd be milk and cookies. And also, do I really look like a serial rapist? Because--"

Lucas cut him off, suddenly getting a little more upbeat. "And over here's Boney, my doggie! He's my bestes--" He corrected himself. "Uh, he's a true-blue friend."

"Gee, what an original name," snorted Ness, stifling a laugh.

Paula pinched him. "Stop it. You're being rude!"

The dog gasped. ("Lucas, what happened to being your bestest best friend?! Have I been... replaced?!")

"No, Boney! Just... a change in ranks, that's all..." He smiled nervously. "If it's any consolation prize, I still love you!"

At that point, everyone except Ness, Flint, Linebeck, Kine, the Pokémon, and Kumatora went, "Awwwwwww..."

Kumatora groaned. "Ugh, gag me with a spoon."

Ness frowned. "Tell me about it."

"Ew, how sappy," scoffed Linebeck. "I'm surrounded by losers and idiots."

("Typical wimpy Lucas,") mocked Pikachu, zooming in on Kumatora to see if she had boobs.

("Typical pervy you,") also mocked Suicune.

("Typical blatant you,") added Entei.

("Typical left out me!") spat Raikou. Unfortunately, nobody cared.

"Um, a little help here?" pleaded Kine.

Flint turned his nose up.

Seeing him do this, Popo freaked. "OH NO! Shh! N-Nana! D-did you see that?! Watch out for the cowboy! He's not impressed!"

She sweatdropped. "Popo, you do realize you're not whispering, right?"

"Don't move!" He ducked under the table with Strawberry-Limousine. "He'll see us!"

"Yeah, who's that last guy?" asked Kirby. "And how'd he get here? You can only bring three friends, but as many family members as you want, so he must be a relative!"

"...This guy? This one? The one right here who hopefully loves me very much and won't kill me over this whole misunderstanding?" Lucas sunk in his seat, nervously grinning as Flint glared daggers at him. "...If I do tell you, you guys are either gonna ran away screaming, stay here and laugh, or do some combination of the two."

"Aw, we'd never do that," assured Ness. "Go on and tell us. I mean, how bad could it be?"

He sighed. "Well... He's kinda... sorta... um, my dad."

Completely and totally horrified, Toon Link and Popo ran away screaming, Ness and Pikachu busted out laughing, while Kirby did both at once. Nana glared at them for their idiocy.

The blonde expected as much. "Yeah, yeah... Go on and get it all out. Truth is stranger than fiction, huh?"

"Tell me about it!" said Ness. "You should've seen your face! 'Well... He's kinda... sorta... um, my dad.' Hilarious!"

("Oh, man!") guffawed Pikachu. ("You need to make that into a joke! You'd slay 'em every time!")

"...You think that's funny?" questioned Flint.

"In a cosmic sort of way, yes," responded Ness, who suddenly began twitching as he realized who asked.

"OMFG, the cowboy said something!" exclaimed Popo. "He's gonna kill us with his snakeskin boots!"

Kirby gasped. "So you're really his dad?"

"...You callin' my son a liar?"

Lucas stuck his tongue out. "Told ya so..."

Popo resumed his panicking. _"Ahh! Run! Head for the hills! He's gonna kill us with his spurs!"_

"_Or a ten gallon hat!" _added Kirby.

"_He'll run us over with a stallion!"_

"_Or put us in a rodeo!"_

"_Or hogtie us!"_

"_He might even make us ride off into the sunset with him to Texas, where he'll force us to eat barbequed cactuses! Noooooo!"_

("Well, so Lucas' dad is a cowboy? Hey, way to actually get a point in the 'epic win' category,") Pikachu huffed, still holding the camera. ("It's a shame you didn't take after him, huh?")

"_Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_!" angrily shushed Lucas, waving his hands down for the rodent to shut up. "And stop calling him a cowboy!"

Ness smirked. "Can we call him a cow_man_?"

Paula punched him. "Knock it off, meanie!"

"Why do you insist on making me look like the bad guy? And you still haven't hugged me yet!"

"Well, maybe if you acted like you had more sense, I'd consider it."

"Sooooooooo..." Lucas sweatdropped at Flint. "Came for a surprise visit, huh...?"

"I think this thing's called 'Family and Friends' for a reason..."

"Oh! Yeah, well, I guess it is!" He began tittering uncontrollably. "Heeheeheehee..."

He looked him up and down, none too pleased. "...And care to explain this little... _change _of yours...?"

"I already told Kuma; I got attacked by a horde of fangirls. It was horrible. Estrogen was everywhere. It was like a book club of yaoi fans, only worse."

Just then, Peach skipped up. "Lukey, honey! Darling, I forgot to give you back my Peachy Peach-Peach perfume! I know how much you love the stuff, so here you go! Go on and keep it; Zelda just found my other 15 bottles! Would you believe I couldn't find them because Jiggly dropped them in the nail polish bin?"

"...Ooh, thank yoooou!" He giddily took it. "Oh, that silly marshmellow! I knew she had something to do with them going missing. You know, she had the nerve to steal my bath beads the other day!"

"That girl'll never learn. Stop by my room later, and give you some more. I know you had Lovely Lilac, but I've only Starry Seafoam and Bubblegum Fun."

"Ooooh, Bubblegum Fun! Bubblegum Fun!"

"Okay, then!" She pranced off. "See you later, lovelyyyyyy!"

"All right! See you sooooooon! ...Uh..." Suddenly remembering Flint was right next to him, he grinned cheezily. "...That... _totally_ did notjust happen..."

He narrowed his eyes. "Yes, it did."

Desperate to change the subject, he tugged on him. "...Hey, Dad! Can you do that thing you did to that guy with the thing you told me not to do, or you would get me, and all the people were like 'OMG' and stuff?"

He crossed his arms. "No."

_"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"_

"Because."

_"Because whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"_

He pushed him under the table. "Knock it off."

"OW!" he squealed, as if it really hurt, and it probably did. "You're mean! Why're you doing this to me?! I'm cute and lovable!"

"I don't play that."

"Well, then--!" He punched him in the arm. "So there!"

"OMFG again! He punched a cowboy!" exclaimed Popo.

"The poor fool!" wailed Toon Link.

Flint raised an eyebrow at Lucas, who started crying uncontrolably. "I'm sorry! It was a play hit! You're not gonna kill me, are you?"

"Quit it now, and maybe I won't."

"Yay! Thank you, Daddy!"

"..."

"Okay, guys! Time for the food!" randomly announced Mario, him and Luigi carrying it all.

Duster threw his arms up. "Finally!"

Suicune sweatdropped as she got her food. ("It's about time. What took you?")

"Don't ask, don't tell," muttered Luigi, getting a harsh uppercut from Mario for saying something so lame and inappropriate. As they left, everyone started eating.

"Yummy yum yums!" exclaimed Kirby. "Look at this big ol' pie I got!"

"'And it's all for me, me, me!'" said Rick, imitating the puffball.

Kirby blinked. "Oh. Well, if you guys want some, all you had to do was ask!"

Coo frowned at Rick. "Oh, yes, Rick, let's not ever ask him for anything. I'm sure that'll work!"

The hamster shrugged. "So sue me for getting my assumptions wrong!"

Kine flopped again. "...Can I exchange my slice for some water?"

"All right, Luke, I think I'm gonna start asking you what exactly is up with this little... makeover thing you--" Kumatora blinked, realizing he was gone. "Wait, where'd he go?!"

"Hey, Paula. Look what I did," sexily said Ness. "I got all these burgers just for us to share. Is that romantic, or what?"

"Ew. Hamburgers aren't romantic."

"Of course they ar--"

Just then, Lucas popped up. "Hey, Ness! Wanna share this spaghetti I inexplicably ordered?!"

Ness facepalmed. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"Nope. Anyway, I'll start at one end and you--"

Kumatora waved a fist. "Lucas, WTF?! Get back over here!"

"When we're finished eating. I always eat next to Ness. It heightens the experience. Now, what was I saying? Oh, yeah! I'll--"

She grabbed him, walking off. "You're gonna eat with us whether you like it or not, mister!"

He wriggled about. "Nooooooooooooo! I should have the freedom to chooooooose!"

She planted him back in his seat. "Now, stay there!"

"I don't wanna!"

"_I don't care!"_

"Quite an armful, huh?" laughed Tetra.

The other girl rolled her eyes. "Tell me about it. Boy wouldn't be able to keep track of his head if it wasn't attached to his body."

"I know, right?! Link is the exactly same way! I'm surprised the kid can walk and talk at the same time!"

"Okay, Tetra, now you're just exaggerating," grumbled Toon Link.

"I'm surprised Lucas doesn't see anything wrong with this. I know the guy's not all there, but really..."

"I know! And--" She stopped, pointing to an empty seat. "Oh, uh, your friend's gone again."

"What?!"

Sure enough, Lucas was back over with Ness and Paula. He was hanging on to Ness, who was latched onto Paula, who was clinging to Lucas in what had to be the weirdest love triangle ever.

"What the hell is this?!" she demanded, stomping over.

"I just want to show Ness how much I care!" cried Lucas.

"I just want my girl to give me the time of day!" admitted Ness.

"I just wanna squeeze the cuteness out of his cute, little body!" giggled Paula, finally getting Lucas off. In her grasp again, she began squishing his face. "Oh, who's a cutie? Who's a cutie?! You are! Yes, you are! Oh, wook at your cute widdle face, with your cute widdle nose and cute widdle cheeks and your cute widdle eyes!"

"You're supposed to be doing and saying that stuff to meeeeeeeee!" whined Ness.

"And I wanna do and say that stuff to yooooooou!" said Lucas, reaching out for him.

Kumatora yanked him away. _"Get back over here and stay over here!"_

"B-but I need Ness!"

Once back in his seat, she got in his face. "What is in your head?! Flowers and butterflies?! It sure can't be a brain! Oh, hell no! Lucas is too good for that!"

He twitched, clearly looking unwell. "When I was younger, I _used _to have this cute, little thing called a brain, but society decided to slice it up with a rusty meat clever and serve it as veal cutlets on the lunch tray of puberty."

"..."

If there was ever a book called, "101 Things to Say That'll Scare Your Friends and Family", that would've been one of the first suggestions.

Duster cleared his throat. "Um, Lucas? ...Have you been feeling lightheaded lately?"

Boney was shocked. ("You've gone stark raving crazy!")

The ungirly girl turned to Flint. "C'mon, man! You're his father! Why aren't you knocking the snot out of him for this?!"

Flint scowled. "...The more you mess with it, the worse it gets... Got on him one time for trying on perfume, and he complained he had menstrual cramps for the next 3 weeks..."

He pouted. "And they hurt, too..."

Kumatora was ready to pull her hair out. _"Menstrual cramps don't last that long!"_

"Mine did..."

Tetra leaned over to Toon Link, whispering, _"I think your friend is a freak..."_

"_...Tell me about it..."_ he responded.

Lucas went on. "Besides, I just see Ness as a role model! He's a really cool guy! He's tons cooler than me, and I'm just trying to see if some of that can rub off on me!"

Ness nudged Paula. "The kid's learning from the best."

She ignored him. "Sorry. I don't talk to pretentious people."

"Yeah!" laughed Jeff.

"I have to agree on that," finished Poo.

He smiled seedily at them. "Jeff, people kill nerds. And your name is a synonym for defecation, Poo. That's how much you two suck."

Jeff frowned. "Y'know, sometimes words can hurt more than a tightly-balled fist."

"Good. I can throw one of those in, too."

Paula rolled her eyes. "Hey, Lucas! Ness is being a bit of a jerk, so care to offer me some comfort, darling?"

"_Yes, yes!"_ He ran over and latched onto Ness._ "They say absence makes the heart fonder! Do you believe that?!"_

He struggled. "I believe you to need to let go of me now!"

"Okay, it's go time now!" Kumatora pulled him once again. "You've been asking for this for a long time, buddy! I tried to give you a chance to redeem yourself, but you're obviously too far gone, so it's time to bring the pain now! Now it's gonna be me, versus the little weirdo! The one who's wearing a bow, dressed in pink, wearing makeup, and has an obsession over a fat kid who, not only's trying to cop his style, but is blatantly a pimp!"

Ness smiled. "Heh, Lucas' boy/girlfriend called me a pimp. Awesome."

Lucas twitched. "..."

"All bets are off, and it is on like Donkey Kong, and I mean it! Really!" She rolled up her sleeves, poking him in the nose. "You ready for a beatdown? Huh, are ya? Are ya?! Time to take another crash course in Asskicking 101, with me as your returning teacher! I'm gonna make you regret this whole charade of yours, and then I'm going after butterball over there!"

Ness made a face. "Why? What I'd do?!"

"Well... I just don't like you."

"..."

She continued poking him. "So? You frightened? You scared? I'm gonna getcha, I'm gonna getcha good. C'mon, let's go. Don't start crying on me now. That won't help you anymore. I'm really serious here, dude."

"..."

"Ah, the silent treatment, eh? Yeah, yeah, you and your pouty little self. That's not gonna work, either."

"..." If anyone had been paying a bit of attention to Lucas' psyche, they would've heard a distinct snap.

Kumatora sweatdropped. "...Luke?"

After staring Kumatora down like a sexually-frustrated bull, Lucas made a sound similar to a rabid banshee being decapitated while on fire and listening to a yaoi fangirl ramble about pairings that were so non-canon, it had to be illegal somewhere. With that, he pounced on her and the two began brawling under the table. Needless to say, everyone was shocked.

Pikachu dashed over with his camera. ("Woah! It's like a catfight of the sexually confused! I don't know who to root for! Lucas, you're just racking up the epic points today, aren'tcha?")

Just then, Red perked up. "Hey, look! Senseless violence! And Lucas is in it! Let's go watch!"

"Yay!" All the other Smashers crowed around them. "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Lucas slammed Kumatora into the floor. _**"You know what?! That's it, Kuma! I've had it up to here with narrow-minded people like you shooting me down just 'cuz I'm not what you would call normal! 'Ooh, look! There's Lucas! Let's go and make fun of him! It's not like he'll do anything! We can just walk all over him like the little pussy he is--NO! It ends today!"**_

**"_The only thing that's gonna end today is your nonsense! I'm gonna take you downtown, whether you like it or not!"_** She then catapulted him into the crowd of Smashers. Seconds later, he came barreling out with Ike's sword raised up, screaming his head off.

"No!" pleaded Ike. "Ragnell, come back! I haven't finished cleaning you yet!"

"Holy--!" Kumatora put Flint in his path. "Quick, do something! You're a cowboy!"

Sighing, he grabbed his insane son and took away Ragnell, giving him a blunt log. "If you absolutely want to kill somebody, use this. I don't want you stabbing anything through your head."

"WTF?! When I said 'do something', I meant something to save me!"

"Hey, you reap what you sew." With that, he nonchalantly let him go.

"_**Bwahahaha!" **_laughed Lucas, free to terrorize again.

"Fine, then! I'll just have to take you out myself! No guts, no glory, right?!" She spit on her hands and rubbed them together, making a stance similar to a football player. _**"Come get some!"**_

What transpired next was nothing short of violent, unusual, disturbing, and highly questionable in every way possible.

Popo's eyes wandered over to Flint again, causing him to freak. "...OMG, Nana! D-d-don't move! T-t-there's a cowboy at the table!"

She sweatdropped. _"I know."_

Starting to feel like things were getting out of hand, Toon Link suddenly noticed Aryll was missing. "Hey, Tetra? Do you know where Aryll is? She was just here a minute ago..."

"I don't know; she's your damn sister. Linebeck, move it up a little," she said, looking at her reflection in a mirror they got from nowhere. Yes, nowhere! The fine purveyor of all your haphazard thoughts!

"What kind of treasure is this gonna get me?! Jeez, I must look like a pedophile or something!"

"Um, you like watching little children break their backs so you can get their treasure. In a twisted sort of way, that's kinda how pedos work."

"_Lies! All lies! And that's only because you can't handle the truth!"_ In his refusal to believe such a thing, he accidentally broke the mirror over her head.

"...Oh, you _did not_ just do that!" She pulled out a sword._ "C'mere, Imma skin you!"_

"Oh, come on!" he spat, running off. "It was an accident! Besides, you're not all that pretty, anyway..."

"_**What was that?!"**_ Pain then ensued.

Ignoring them, Toon Link called for his sibling. "Aryll, please, where are you?! Hey, Ary--!"

"Link, look! Up here!"

"Huh? AHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, realizing Sally had gotten ahold of her and was flying off.

She waved. "Hi, big brother! Look! It's just like the first time I got stolen, huh?!"

"_**SQUAWK!"**_ squawked Sally, flying around in circles.

"No, no, Sally! Bad bird! Get down here this instant!" commanded Nana.

"And please don't drop Aryll!" pleaded Toon Link. "Grandma will kill me!"

"Arf, arf!" barked Strawberry-Limousine.

"_**SQUAWK!"**_ responded the condor, deciding to finally listen to Nana for once... and attack Popo on the side.

"Whee!" squealed Aryll, now on her brother's head. "That was fun, huh, big brother?"

"Not for my blood pressure... and I'm only 12."

Nana struggled to pull the demented bird thing away. "Ack! No, Sally, no! Bad boy! Bad boy!"

"_He's clawing out my eyes!"_ shouted Popo, waving his arms in distress.

Rick sweatdropped. "Wait, that thing's named Sally, but it's a guy?"

Kirby waved it off, eating some pie. "Oh, whatever. Who cares? By the way, this pie is awesome!"

Coo nodded. "I have to admit; it is pretty tasty."

"Uh... Kirby, uhm..." gasped Kine, flopping up and down on the table, "I think I... I think I need a little help here..."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Here you go." He poured some milk over his face.

"_That's not what I meant!"_

"So, what's in this pie, anyway?" asked Rick, waving his fork around.

"I think it's blueberry," said Kirby.

Coo shook his head. "No, I taste apple."

Rick looked up. "You sure? I think I smell raspberry."

Coo continued to disagree. "What? No, maybe cherry, but not blueberry."

"No, it's blueberry. I've had that before, so... I should know."

"Just because you've had it doesn't mean you should know."

Rick scowled. "...So you're saying I'm wrong, then?"

He scoffed. "Well, yes. Such a thing is common for you."

Whatever was in that pie, it was now in Coo's face, courtesy of Rick.

Kirby pursed his lips in thought. "...Y'know what? I changed my mind; I think it's peach."

Too bad neither Rick or Coo heard this amazing scientific breakthrough, as they were too busy tearing each other's heads off.

Kine flopped around on the table again. _"Kirby, really--! I need... water! Not joking here! This isn't funny!"_

"Okay, okay!" He poured more milk on him. "You haven't even finished your first piece!"

"_Kirby, I'm gonna kill you..."_

Looking around, Suicune leaned over to Pikachu. ("I'm feeling a little left out, so can I maul that nerd over there?")

("Wha--? Yeah, sure, whatever,") he muttered, focusing on Lucas and Kumatora.

"C'mon, Paula! Why aren't you paying attention to me?!" whined Ness. "I'm all squishy and popular and lovable and sexy! You used to love to mess around!"

"As if! How can you think of yourself when poor, little Lucas is being attacked by that madman... woman... thing?! Oh, I hope the cutie's okay..."

"Just a little peck on the cheek? Pleeeeeeeeease? I need you to love me!"

She set his pants on fire. "NO MEANS NO."

"Ooooooooh, you just got burned, man!" Jeff elbowed Poo. "...Get it? PK Fire? Him? Burned, as in pwned?"

He frowned. "...Yes, I get it... And it's pronounced 'owned'."

His four-eyed friend was about to disagree when Suicune proceeded to beat the ever-loving crap out of him. Poo could only raise an eyebrow, expecting as much.

Entei came over. ("Hey, martial arts kid? Feel like sparring? Haven't been able to in a while.")

He flexed his fingers. "I suppose I may as well waste my time on something useful..."

And so, the two wrestled. Seeing this, Raikou scowled. ("Hello? Why isn't anyone paying attention to me?! Why can't I get into the nonsense and act like an idiot, too?! Come on! Just give me a chance! Please?!")

Elsewhere at the table, Duster put down a card. "King me. I win."

The Polar Bear frowned. "...You're kidding, right?"

Realizing his mistake, Duster took back the card and shuffled his deck. "Wait, no. Do over. Forget I said that. I didn't say that."

"Too late." The Topi put down his hand. "Royal flush, baby! Yeah!"

Leaning over, the Polar Bear sweatdropped. "...Those're Pokémon cards."

"What the--?!" Duster slammed his cards on the table. "I thought we were playing Mahjongg!"

"That's not even a card game. Besides, we've been playing Old Maid for the last 15 minutes here," scoffed the Polar Bear, drinking more soda. "Sheesh, get with the program already."

The Topi scowled. "Old Maid? No way! You said we were playing Go Fish!"

"Then allow me to offer you, the guy playing with Pokémon cards, a game of 52 Pickup!" He flicked all the cards on the table onto the floor.

Duster blinked. "...That's more like 384 Pickup..."

"THAT'S IT!" The Topi launched itself at the Polar Bear, Freezie in tow. In retaliation, the ursine broke a soda on the table and rushed forward. Sharp, horrible pain ensued.

Duster shrugged it off and ate his food, along with the rest of theirs.

Boney sweatdropped at the madness. As far he could tell, every single person in the room needed a lobotomy. His owner was busy rolling around on the floor with Kumatora, while the Smashers placed bets on them, Linebeck was running for his life from the pissed, sword-wielding Tetra, with Toon Link running around in circles with the piggybacking Aryll commanding him to go faster. Meanwhile, Sally had decided to attack Popo again, Nana doing a pretty poor job getting him free. Strawberry-Limousine tried barking incessantly at him, but that only made things worse. The Polar Bear and Topi had abandoned their weapons, now respectively throwing soda and ice at each other. While fur and feathers went everywhere from Rick and Coo's tussle, Kirby was still trying to figure out was in his pie, and Kine wasn't moving anymore. Ness was still pining for Paula, who continued to worry about Lucas, while Jeff was torn to shreds by Suicune. Entei was busy sparring with Poo, Pikachu was filming Lucas and Kumatora, and Raikou was pouting because everyone had suddenly started ignoring him. Duster had started another game of cards with Flint, but the decks had been screwed up so much, neither of them knew what they were doing.

At that moment, Master Hand came in. "All right, everyone! Dinnertime is now ove-- W-what is this?!"

("I'm trying to figure out the same thing,") sighed Boney.

("Hey, MH!") waved Diddy. ("We're betting on Lucas and the crazy redheaded guy in an all-or-nothing senseless fight of doom! Wanna come watch?")

"No need!" exclaimed the hand. "All the muddling of this publicity is making our reputation soar though the roof!"

"How?" asked Wolf.

"...I don't know, but it is! Statistical numbers are amazing!"

The battle between Lucas and Kumatora finally subsided, both covered with scratches, bite marks, blood, and other messy, nasty evidences of battle. Lucas seethed, his log broken in half.

More than fed up with his nonsense, Kumatora grabbed him. "...You!_ ...You! __**YOOOOOOOOOOU!"**_

"_**Yeah, what?!" **_snarled Lucas.

"_**YOOOOOOOOU--!"**_ She smiled. "...Are awesome!"

"Huh?"

"Dude, I can't believe it! Did you see yourself back there? You were like... an animal! My violent nature finally rubbed off on you! Oh, you ain't a pussy anymore, uh-unh! You've officially upgraded. Now, you're more like... a sexually frustrated house cat... with rabies!"

He grinned. "Cool!"

Boney shook his head. ("It just keeps getting weirder and weirder...")

"Yay! The cutie's all right!" rejoiced Paula. "Oh, poor thing! You're a mess! I hope you're not hurt!"

He smiled. "No, I'm okay. Fighting is only needed when it's needed!"

"That makes absolutely no sense, but you're just so cute, I don't care!"

"Yeah, just ignore me then!" spat Ness. "Go ahead and screw over the time-space continuum by being with him; it's already outta whack anyway! I doubt even dividing by zero can make it worse!"

"Awwwww... Okay, okay... I get it, Mr. Jealous-Butt..." She strolled back over and pet his head.

He crossed his arms. "Oh, it's too late for that now. I'm officially mad at you."

"Then would it make you feel any better if I said even though Lucas is as cute as all get-out, he doesn't even scrape the surface of cute compared to you?" She squished his pouty face. "No one can top the cuteness that is my widdle Psycho-Biscuit."

He blushed. _**"Paula!"**_

Pikachu busted out laughing. ("Psycho-Biscuit?! Hahahahahaha! Oh, man! That's rich!")

"Nooooo!" He squirmed. "Shh! Don't call me that! That's a personal thing! Don't say that here!"

"Sorry if I was a little cold earlier, but I just wanted to knock some sense into you." She tickled his chin. "You tend to let things go to your head when I'm not around."

He frowned. "No, I don't!"

"Yes, you do."

"Nu-unh!"

"Yes, you do."

"No way!"

"...Yes, you do."

"No, I do--" He was cut off by her squeezing his nose. "OW!"

"YOU DO, NOW HUSH." She smiled. "I also kinda felt like playing around with your mind a bit. It's my favorite instrument, you know."

Nana was in awe. "Wow, that has to be the coolest thing anyone has ever said. Ever."

"Why, thank you! I can see you're probably the only one here who still has a good head on their shoulders, so do me a favor and take care of Ness for me." She then whispered, _"He's not well."_

She nodded. "Huh. That _almost _explains everything."

She squished his face again, kissing him with each following name. "Bye bye, my widdle Wuv Muffin, Shnuggily Wuggily, Baby Face, Peach Lips, Puddin' Brain, Cutie Patootie, Huggie Wuggie, Space Case, Bubble Butt! Come home safe, okay?"

He twitched. "Your words are like poison, Paula. Horrible, horrible poison! SEEPING THROUGH MY EARS AND KILLING MY BRAIN!"

("You call that ABC gum in that empty skull of yours a brain?") remarked the mouse.

"Then, promise me my widdle Wuv Muffin will be good."

"Aw, Paula! C'moooooon!" he whined.

A hand was poised over his nose. "ARE YOU GOING TO BE GOOD?"

He groaned, then mumbled. "...Your widdle Wuv Muffin will be good..."

"Ooh! Ooh!" squealed Lucas, coming out of nowhere. "Can I make sure he stays good?!"

She rubbed his head. "Oh, of course you can, Lucas! That's so sweet!"

He cut his eyes at him. "Oh, yeah, the little timid dude who's actually a crazy, bipolar, metrosexual, girly girl animal lover with rabies has my back._ I sure feel safe now!"_

"Ah, well, what a grand time this was! This contest was a complete success!" announced Master Hand. "Unfortunately, since dinner's over, all non-Smashers have to leave ASAP, lest we all get sucked into an alternate dimension with you overstaying your welcome! Everyone else, skedaddle!"

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwww..." groaned the fighters, hanging their heads and leaving.

"Well, that's that! See ya later, wuss," joked Kumatora, giving Lucas another noogie. "Hey, if you keep up that whole psycho act, maybe you'll be crazier than Porky one day!"

"And rule the world! _**MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**_

Duster shrugged. "Yeah, sure, whatever. We thrive on conflict anyway."

Boney wagged his tail. ("When you rule the world, can I be co-ruler?")

"Of course! You can pee on people when they've been bad! Yay!"

Flint crossed his arms. "You all need help."

"So long, Link!" said Tetra, slapping his back a bit too hard. "It's been real!"

"Real stupid..." muttered a diced Linebeck.

Aryll waved goodbye. "See you soon, big brother! Please don't try to get killed, okay? The people you work with are crazy!"

Jeff angrily adjusted his broken glasses. "Well! I can't say I enjoyed this experience at all, Ness, but--"

Poo cut him off. "Hey, it was an all-around good time for everyone, I'm sure."

Picking up the unconscious Kine, Rick glared at Coo. "We'll see you later, Kirby. I think me and Coo here got some serious negotiating to do..."

"Indeed," retorted the owl.

Suicune shrugged. ("It's not like we're going anywhere, so we shouldn't have to say goodbye.")

("But it could still be a while before we see you again, so we bid it anyway,") finished Entei.

("Whatever!") spat Raikou. ("Goodbye and good riddance! It's not like anyone even cares!")

"_**CAW!"**_ Sally dropped an eggplant for some reason.

The Topi sweatdropped. "Where'd he get that from?"

The Polar Bear popped open another soda. "Who cares? ENJOY!"

So, everyone shook hands, waved goodbye, and exchanged intergalactic e-mail addresses and phone numbers that could transcend time and space for some reason. After they were finished, Master Hand snapped his fingers and they all inexplicably disappeared. I mean, seriously; they just disappeared. No poof, no magic, no sparkles, nothing. Just... gone! What is this?!

"Well, that was fun while it lasted," said Nana. "Completely unnecessary, but still fun."

("And the footage?") said Pikachu, checking his camera. ("Totally worth it. We'll be bouncing off walls for days the laughing at this crap.")

"I have no idea who those people were!" exclaimed Popo, petting Strawberry-Limousine.

"I hope they come back soon!" squealed Kirby. "I think I finally figured out what was in that pie! I need to tell them, 'cuz I don't think it's for human ears..."

Toon Link shrugged. "Hey, I'm not complaining. My guys acted almost the way they do at home. This could've been a lot worse."

Ness stuck his chest out. "Well! I'm finally glad you all got to see the tight bond I got with my sexy _girlfriend! Hear that, Lucas?! __**Girlfriend!**__ Paula is my __**girlfriend! **__Do I need to say that again?!"_

"Nope!" said Lucas, practically breathing down his neck. "Don't tell her I told you this, but she said we can actually share you jointly! Plus, she still thinks I'm really cute, and I am so totally loving her style! Aren't you glad we were able to compromise?!"

"..." His untouched spaghetti was thrown into his face as a response.

"Oh! So, you still wanna share my spaghetti, and you're gonna eat it off my face?! Couldn't have thought up a better way of sharing myself!"

_**

* * *

**_

**Authoress' Notes:** Lol, haven't had this much fun since SSE Week. :)


	23. Spider Pig and the MOTHER of All Battles

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**__ After hearing about the very illegal fan translation of Mother 3, Nintendo gets their revenge by laying assault on the Smash Mansion with only one thing on their mind; capture the Translated One!_

* * *

_**What Goes On**_

_**Chapter 23: **__Spider Pig and the MOTHER of All Battles!_

* * *

_**Meanwhile, in New Pork City...**_

Sweatdropping, a Pigmask walked into Porky's room. "Uh, sir...? It is done."

He turned around in one of those spinny computer chair thingies. "What? The pizza? 'Cuz I'm hungry!"

"No... The translation." He shuddered. "They've finally done it."

If one could see Porky's eyes, they would've rolled off onto the floor. _**"GET OUTTA TOWN! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"**_

He cowered under his piggy rage. "Aah! Okay, okay! I'll leave immediately, sir!"

"No, fool! It was an expression!"

"...Oh."

"Those numbskulls actually did it! They actually did! Well!" He smiled evilly. "Talk about dedication! MOTHER 3 in nice, sexy English, huh? Never thought I'd see the day. Buncha crazy asses..."

The soldier blinked. "Does that mean it should be called 'EarthBound 2' now?"

"_**NO!"**_ He launched a statue of himself at him. _**"It means something even more important!"**_

"...And that would be?" he groaned from under the statue.

He laughed. "Those fools have officially crossed the border... The power of Nintendo has been overthrown, by the fans no less! They've been dangling the franchise just outta the reach of the fans, but this was the final straw! The fans have now banded together to dominate the entire industry! Not to mention, everyone knows how bent they are on trying to take over the world! This is sure to cause some... issues."

"What do you propose we do about it?"

"...It's been a while since I've chewed their ears off about anything..." He reached for the phone. "Maybe I could use this little defiance to my advantage..."

He scratched his head. "But why're _you_ against it? Isn't this translation kinda, oh, I dunno, good for us?"

Porky glared at him. _**"Well... Well, I just wanna rock the boat, okay?! I AM THE KING, OKAY?! MY GAWD!"**_

* * *

_**Meanwhile, in Japan...**_

Miyamoto, Sakurai, Tajiri, and Itoi sat around in their totally pimped-out Nintendo office full of money, TVs, videos games, and the souls of their poor, deluded hardcore fans, spending their awesome time stroking their egos.

"I can stroke my ego better than you!" randomly challenged Tajiri.

"You're on!" accepted Sakurai. And the two began stroking their egos in ways that had to be illegal somewhere.

Miyamoto sat in an awesome, glorious silence when, all of a sudden, his eyes snapped open. "Stop the presses! I have an idea!"

And the entire universe rejoiced.

"Ooh! Tell us! Let us hear it!" begged Tajiri, still in an ego-stroking contest with Sakurai.

"...Let's make... another Mario game!"

And the entire universe rejoiced... again.

"Wow, that's amazing," sighed Itoi. "How _do _you do it?"

"I don't see any ideas coming from you," Miyamoto responded, smiling.

"I don't need an idea every 5 seconds to be cool; I'm just that way naturally."

"Why're you even here? No one even knows what game you made. For all we know, you could be a lowly designer or a programmer or something," laughed Tajiri, losing the ego-stroking contest due to this.

"Ha, you lose!" proclaimed Sakurai, flicking his nose. "BTW, he made the MOTHER series. How many times do I have to keep telling you that?"

He frowned. "...MOTHER? Is that an acronym for something? How come I never heard of it?"

Everyone sweatdropped. Just then, a Game Boy Advance crashed through the window, sounds of an angry mob evident from outside.

"Ooh! Mine!" Tajiri pounced on it. "Dibs on this one! Dibs on this one!" He then threw it into his pile of other Game Boy Advances angrily thrown through the window.

Miyamoto went over to the window. "Ah, I see the protesters are back... again."

"Star Fox for Wii!" growled someone.

"Kirby for Wii!" shouted someone else, continuing this trend.

"Where's our Kid Icarus remake?! Pit's too hot not to have one!"

"The Ice Climbers are cool enough to get a remake, so where is it?!"

"Where's Geno from Brawl?! Japan should've been obliterated by now!"

"Where's the love, man?!"

"EB for VC, man! Don't deny it! Give us what we want! Ness is the best!"

"And Mother 3! Where'd that go?!"

"_**YEAH, MOTHER 3!"**_ And the entire crowd went wild.

Sakurai stuck his head out a window. "If you guys don't stop that nonsense right now, we're not gonna make an SSB4!"

...At that, everyone started bawling.

Itoi groaned. "Aw, great; you made it worse."

Miyamoto laughed. "Don't worry, Sak. Lemme show you how it's done." He turned to the crowd. "Hey, guys! Don't cry! There'll be a new Mario game coming out soon!"

_**"...HOORAY!"**_

"See? It's simply supply and demand. We demand, and they supply."

Sakurai frowned. "I think you got that backwards..."

"I assure you that I don't, and, just to prove it..." He pulled out MOTHER 3 propaganda, dangling it over the crowd. "Look what we have for yooooou!"

Seeing this, the crowd went into hysterics. People were randomly slaughtered, things set on fire, something exploded, and more bawling commenced.

"With only about 6 months of our barely-paid translators' work, you could have this game in nice, smooth English. You all know that, right?"

_**"YEEEEEEEEES!"**_

"Well, then, we juuuuuust might do that..."

_**"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**_

Tajiri stuck his head out. "But whaddabout Pokémon Platinum, huh? You guys sure want that, too, huh?"

_**"YEEEEEEEEEEEES!"**_

Miyamoto laughed again. "Well, we're already giving you several hundreds of other super happy awesome cool third party games and rip-offs. Why bother with this?"

"Yep! And every once in a while, _maaaaybe _if we feel like it, we'll release a game that actually stars one of our flagship characters! And that's no small feat!" added Sakurai. "Plus, SSBB was good enough to fit the bill. We're spoiling you way too much. You don't need this MOTHER 3 crap."

_**"NOOOOOOO! WE NEED IT! WE NEED IT!"**_

Sakurai shook his head. "Well, you guys sure didn't like MOTHER 2 all that much until this one came out."

"I blame Brawl," added Tajiri. "I swear, I don't even know who half the people in that thing are!"

"He's right. Maybe we should chuck the whole thing before we lose a ton of money like we did last time," said Miyamoto.

_**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" **_bawled the crowd, several people going on a killing spree out of frustration.

"Okay, if you want it that bad, we'll translate it!" said Sakurai.

_**"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"**_ Everyone in the crowd hugged and kissed.

"...Or maybe we won't," added Miyamoto.

_**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" **_Blood was spilled.

"Oh, all right, we will."

_**"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" **_Love was felt all around.

"Nope, changed my mind. We're too busy with other stuff."

_**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**_ Half the crowd promptly went into a seizure.

"Aw, but Lucas is cute, so okay."

_**"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" **_Good stuff happened.

"Actually, I've seen cuter, so no."

_**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**_ Bad stuff happened.

Itoi rubbed his head, annoyed. "Guys, knock it off. Why must you be so bent on doing this? Let's just release the thing before we _really_ get them mad."

"We are Nintendo; they don't get mad, but we do! Besides, I don't feel like it, so there." Sakurai crossed his arms.

"I know!" shouted Tajiri, pulling his head in. "I'm in a good mood after that shopping spree off of Platinum's sales, so let's work on that Mario game now!"

"Good!" responded Miyamoto. "We shall begin the process--"

The phone then dared to interrupt him as it began ringing incessantly to get their attention.

"Ooh!" proclaimed Tajiri. "The employee phone's ringing! Guess who it is! Guess who it is! Whoever's right gets to decide on how good or bad the next game is!"

"Mario!" nodded Miyamoto.

"Pikachu!" guessed the Pokémon creator.

"Kirby! Just to check up on how cute I think he is!" snorted Sakurai.

Itoi huffed. "Uh, I dunno. Ness? I don't care."

Tajiri frowned. "Who's that?!"

Everyone sweatdropped again until Sakurai answered. "Hello, we're Nintendo! Where Wii would like to play, touching is good, and drugs are a rainbow's path to happiness! The guy who made SSBB speaking!"

_**"Put Itoi on! I know he's there! Don't pretend he's not! I can hear his disturbed psyche from here!"**_ screeched the caller.

"Why? Who's this? State your name, employee number, position, and game and/or series!"

"This is King Porky! Employee #225679140! Bad guy from MOTHER 2 and 3, baby!"

Taiji was shocked. "Wait?! You made_ two_ sequels?! How come I didn't know about this?!"

Itoi cut his eyes at him. "Please stop talking."

"Anyway, put Itoi on! I know he's there! I need to talk to him about a serious upheaval!"

Miyamoto perked up. "Ooh! Did we finally take over the world?!"

"No, even worse! Remember that one taboo game you guys just won't release because you tread way too lightly on your mascot Mario games?"

"...Fire Emblem?" Sakurai frowned. "Is this about Marth and Roy? AGAIN?"

"No! It's even worse! MOTHER 3 has been officially released... IN ENGLISH!"

He jumped up. "What?! English?! Impossible!"

"Yeah, right," scoffed Miyamoto. "Just wishful thinking, Sak. Wishful thinking."

"Oh, yeah? Well, I think news like this may just disprove your little 'wishful thinking'!"

Tajiri thought for a minute. "...Porky? Who's that? Is that a Pokémon?"

"No. Main antagonist of the MOTHER series," sighed Itoi.

"What's that?!"

Itoi waved it off. "Oh, just hang up on him. He's probably lying. Remember when he called earlier and Sega had better sales than us?"

Everyone lmaoed at that so hard, it wasn't even funny.

"No, but seriously, I made him a jerk. Just hang up."

"The hell you ain't!" growled Porky from the phone. "Just look outside at your would-be protesters! See where they are now!"

"He's insane!" laughed Miyamoto, going over to the window. "They'd never stop pestering us for that money-draining game. See? There's more of them than ever now!"

He was right as now, thousands of people were parading around the building, chanting "The truth will set you free! Give us MOTHER 3!" People were even starting riots and trying to scale the walls, killing each other, whining about unfair it was, and making extremely obscure references to the game.

"Hey, guys! Hey, guys! Have you heard?!" shouted a random protestor as he ran over. "There's hope! Hope after all! Hope for a new world and a lot of other stuff I can't think about at the moment!"

"OMG, WHAT IS IT?!" demanded the other people, immediately freezing in place of what they were doing.

"_**MOTHER 3! Illegal. Fan. TRAAAAAANSLAAAAAATIONNNNNN! IT'S FINALLY HERE!"**_

"_**ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"**_

"_**I'M SERIOUS! I JUST DOWNLOADED IT! IT'S SO COOL, I FEEL LIKE PROTESTING FOR A FOURTH ONE!"**_

"_**NO WAY!"**_

"_**YES, WAY! IT'S IN NICE, SEXY ENGLISH!" **_He held up his laptop, which showed some random NPC in the game clearly speaking in English.

"_**OMFG! LET'S ILLEGALLY DOWNLOAD IT!"**_ shouted a random lady.

"_**AND ADVERTISE ITS AWESOMENESS TO OUR FRIENDS!"**_ shouted someone else.

At that, everyone got on their cell phones, running off to find a computer, foaming at the mouths at the wonderful truth.

"The heck?!" gasped Miyamoto.

Taiji blinked. "Fan translation?! How come I don't get one?!"

Sakurai was horrified. "But... but...! It was supposed to be Japan only!"

Itoi laughed. "Heh, I knew they'd do it eventually. Buncha crazy, disturbed, obsessive fans. As the Americans would say, you just got owned."

"Told ya," snorted Porky.

"This is an outrage!" Sakurai flailed his arms about. "This is even worse than the tiers in Brawl! We've just lost millions of dollars!"

"So, what do you suggest we do?" asked Miyamoto.

"I say we play through it and see what the big deal is," said Tajiri. "It can't be anywhere near as good as Pokémon!"

"No!" Sakurai hung the phone. "Guys, suit up. We're gonna pay a certain blonde a little visit."

"...?" Everyone scratched their heads.

Itoi rolled his eyes. "I think he means Lucas."

Tajiri frowned, thinking he meant the Lucas in Diamond and Pearl. "But he's not blond!"

"Not that Lucas!"

He shrugged. "Then I have no idea who you're talking about."

"Just get the jetpacks ready! He should still be in the SSBB Tourney, so... Next stop: _**the Smash Mansion!"**_ He then proceeded to laugh evilly. When no one else did, he sweatdropped. "...What? Laugh with me!"

Tajiri snapped up. "Oh! Oh! Right!"

Everyone then proceeded to laugh evilly, except Itoi, who just shook his head.

"I don't even know why I work here anymore..."

* * *

_**Meanwhile, back at Smash Mansion...**_

Lucas suddenly sat up in bed, sweat trickling down his face and evil Japanese people laughs echoing in his head.

"There has been a great disturbance somewhere in the world... A dark deed has indeed been done, and I feel its wrath shall soon be upon us, for we shall reap what we sew. May the heavens have mercy on our forsaken souls... Oh, well!" He pounced on the top bunk. "HI, NESS!"

Unfortunately, Ness wasn't all that thrilled to see him, especially since he wasn't even in the bed. Lucas immediately freaked, as Ness never got up before he did.

"Oh noes! Ness! You're... You're not even here?! W-w-what happened?!" He began bawling. _**"OMG... YOU'VE BEEN TURNED INTO BED SHEETS! BY THE EVIL JAPANESE PEOPLE IN MY HEAD! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"**_

"_OMG, will you knock it off?! I'm right here!"_ growled a shirtless Ness, coming in from their indoor bathroom. "I swear, I can't leave you alone for 5 minutes without you going into cardiac arrest or something. My gawd! And stop rubbing pussy juice all over my sheets!"

Upon coming in, Pikachu quickly exited. "Ew! Dude, put that thing away! There're, like, children here; us!"

"Shut up!" growled Ness. "That's not what I meant!"

"Oh, good, because--" Again, he came in, but shuddered at Ness not wearing a shirt. "AW, GAWD! IT'S EVEN WORSE! MY EYES!"

"Ness! You're not bed sheets!" At this, Lucas leapt off the top bunk and pounced on him. "Oh, please don't do that again! You really had me scared! No bed sheet can ever be anywhere as snuggly as you!"

He sighed. "Wow, I really wish that meant something. Get off."

He pouted. "But I wanna ride piggypack... I need to be consoled."

"..." At this, Ness pried him off and threw him back onto his bed. "Knock it off. There'll be plenty of time for you to act like a lunatic later."

Lucas jumped up. "Whaddya mean by that? And... uh, why're you putting on your Mr. Saturn shirt?" He gasped. "Oh, no! I didn't do anything to make you mad, did I?!"

Pikachu rolled his eyes, coming in again. "No, the reason he's wearing it is because me, him, and the other dudes wanna be the first to wish you..."

At this Nana, Popo, Toon Link, Sandbag, Kirby, Chauncey, and Strawberry-Limousine busted in, all dressed as MOTHER 3 characters. _"Happy Illegal Fan Translation Day!"_

"Illegal Fan Trans—" His face lit up. "Oh, yeah! They're actually finished?! Cool! Aw, you guys are so sweet for this! Thank you all for your support!"

"Yep! We all dressed up for you! Isn't that great?!" laughed Kirby, not dressed up at all.

He blinked. "But you're not..."

He wasn't able to finish before Kirby sucked him up, donned his awesome hair, and spit him back out. "There! I was too lazy to make a costume, so I'm you!"

"OMFG! That's so awesome!" he giggled, albeit being a little startled from the sudden trip to the black hole that was his stomach.

Nana smoothed out her costume, who was Kumatora. "I'm the madlady, but girlier... Hope you like the hair color; took forever to get it this way."

"IMMA SERIAL RAPIST!" laughed Popo, dressed as Duster and swinging Rope Snake around. "TOUCH MY SNAKE! LOOK HOW LONG IT IS!"

"I don't know how I got roped into this," sighed the snake. He then laughed. "Haha! Get it?! That was a joke! Wow, that was awesome."

"Uh, I'm Porky," said Toon Link, hair in his face and wearing overalls. "But I can't see very well... How does that guy tell where he's going?"

("Uh, I'm the dog thing,") said Pikachu, handkerchief around his neck. ("Uh, what was his name again? ...Boner?")

Everyone facefaulted, until Lucas jumped up and corrected him. "BONEY!"

("Same difference.")

"Arf arf!" said Strawberry-Limousine, wearing cowboy hat. Apparently, she was supposed to be Flint, which made absolutely no sense, but it looked cool, so she was okay.

"_And I am the Game Boy Advance,"_ stated Sandbag, being in there for no apparent reason. _"The very system that harbored the whole thing. Yes, I am that awesome."_

Chauncey blinked. "I guess I'm the Ultimate Chimera, because everyone had me painted magenta. Oh, well. Er, congratulations, and rar?"

Lucas laughed. "Cool! And who's Ness supposed to be?! With that shirt on, I bet it's 10 times cooler than all of yours put together!"

"No, I'm--"

"Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!" He waved his arms about. "A gothic pimp gangta!"

He sweatdropped. "The hell? That doesn't even make any sense!"

"Exactly!"

"Ness, seriously. Why didn't you dress up as anyone?" asked Nana, a little annoyed.

He pouted. "Why should I? How come he gets all the attention? I'm his predecessor; this day should be for me!"

("But your game was translated, and horribly, too,") said Pikachu. ("Therefore, it doesn't need celebrating.")

"Then, maybe I don't wanna dress up."

"That's okay!" squealed Lucas. "You can just be the gothic pimp gangsta like I said!"

"No, I--"

He grabbed him, magically changing into his clothes. "Ooh, c'mon! Let's go see what everyone else did!"

* * *

_**Outside...**_

Since the entire house was entirely absent of madness, that must've meant everyone was outside! So, that's where they went!

No sooner had they exited the mansion, a bunch of Pigmasks stopped them. "Happy Illegal Fan Translation Day!"

Lucas freaked. "OMG! Porky's here again! And he's turned everyone into his mindless slaves!_ Why does this keep happening to me?!"_

"No, stupid," sighed Ike, taking off his mask. "We put on these horrendous things because Master Hand made us."

"Oh. Yay, dramatization!"

He sweatdropped. "...Okay, then."

("Regardless of that, congratulations!") said Yoshi.

"Lucas!" Red slapped him on the butt. "You little scamp! What a spectacular feat you've managed! Let me be the first to say that I am immensely proud of you!"

His eyes sparkled. "Thank you, Red! Ooh, I knew you'd thrilled about thi--" He made a face. "Are you groping my booty?"

"Uh, no?"

"Oh, okay then!" He hugged him. "Yay for me!"

Olimar shook his hand. "Hey, yeah. Good show of stamina there. I respect that, especially for the lesser-known guys around here."

Jigglypuff threw her arms up. ("Ooh! I have an idea! Let's all take turns in congratulating Lucas, just to show him how proud we are of our little pussy!")

Blinded, Toon Link sweatdropped. "You guys have no idea how disturbing that sounded."

Ness scowled. "Oh, come on! He didn't even do anything! It's those stupid fans, for they are the root of all evil!"

Nobody must've cared, as they continued showering Lucas with hugs, handshakes, thanks, congrats, high fives, and the occasional butt slap from Red that no one seemed to notice.

Lucas couldn't stop smiling. "Wow, you all have no idea how happy you've just made me! You like me! You really like me!" He held his arms out. "Come on! Group hug!"

As awkward as it was, everyone decided it was common courtesy to comply, so they did. Having over 30 humans, animals, furries, and whatever the hell everyone else was come together in a hug dressed as evil pig soldiers was nothing short of awkward, especially considering how much most of them enjoyed it. Hopefully, something like this wouldn't happen again for a long, long time.

Finished with the hug, Fox sighed and dusted himself off. "Well, Lucas... You... I hate to say this, but... This is nothing compared to the other thing we have in store for you..."

He cocked his head. "Wait, what?"

"Lucas..." He shuddered. "Y-you... you get the... y-you get the run of the house... for 24 hours... Completely and totally... Under MH's orders... and advertising purposes... And we are all going to die..."

His mouth dropped open, as did everyone else's.

"I-I do?! Really?! Seriously?! You're not joking?! You're serious?! OMG, you are! I'm in charge?!"

Fox nodded. "Yeah. You are. Unfortunately."

"DUDE! SWEET!" Red high-fived Lucas'... butt... again. "You totally deserve it, y'know."

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" Excited, he bounced up and down. "This is gonna be cool! Oh so cool! OMG, I dunno what I wanna do first!"

Ness gawked. "WTF?! This is insane! I know we should all be excited and crap, but this is like celebrating a new Mario release! Unnecessary!"

The plumber nodded. "True, but this is still a great day in the history of... something. It shows that even the little guys deserve their 15 minutes of fame!"

Luigi smiled. "Like, me?"

Pit smacked him down. "Yeah, right. No, _not_ like you."

The blonde got an idea. "Oh, okay! Okay, okay! Uh, all the bad guys have to, um... serve me! A-and all my friends get um, pizza and stuff, and uhhh... I'm the master and everyone has to tell me how cool I am! A-and! And Ness has to be around me all the time and he's not to leave my side, and Pikachu only has to say nice things about him!"

("WTF?! I ain't sayin' nothin' nice 'bout dis looza!") snorted Pikachu, suddenly turning gansta for a minute. ("I dressed up as your damn dog! Isn't that good enough?!")

"And I'm not hanging around you all day!" growled Ness. "I'm already mad enough no one's paying attention to me!"

He stuck his tongue out. "Oh, okay! Then, everyone has to say nice stuff about me _and _Ness!"

He turned his nose up. "Okay, I guess that's a_ little_ better..."

"Also, everyone gets to, um... party!"

Crickets chirped.

"...Like it's 1999?"

"...Hey, that's when the first tournament started!" randomly shouted Kirby. "Therefore, it's gonna be epic!"

_**"YAY!" **_cheered everyone else. Thus, cued them all dancing their arses off to randomly-placed party speakers, complete with loud, booming music, pizza and other party food on several tables, idle chit-chat, and the occasional using Luigi as a piñata. Nana sweatdropped.

"I don't think I can even begin to question this..."

"Question what?" asked Toon Link, blind as a bat. "I can't see anything. What's going on?"

"Ooh, a random party!" smiled Popo. "Let's all have fun, but stay together for an apparent plot twist!"

"Arf, arf!" agreed Strawberry-Limousine, eating some ice cream.

"_I could go over there and mingle if I wanted to... but I won't,"_ proclaimed Sandbag, somehow holding and apparently drinking a glass of punch. _"I'm that cool."_

Chauncey shrugged. "I don't really know what's going on, either, so I'll just hang out over here and wait for something crazy to happen. Such a thing is insanely amusing!"

Ness was about to agree with that when he noticed, despite all the other partying Smashers, Marth was moping around like he'd been robbed of his prettiness.

"Dude, what's wrong with you?"

He sniffled. "Now, I'm the only one here without a game in English... I feel so betrayed. Lucas and I were the only ones who never made the cut, but the kid got an unofficial translation! How screwed is that?! Where's the love for me?! And, to make things worse, Roy's not even here to mourn! I... I feel so alone!"

"At least Ike made it, so..." He shrugged. "Props to him for that..."

"Whatever." He left in a huff. "I'm gonna go drown my sorrow in chocolate or something!"

Pikachu cringed. ("Lucas, please tell me you weren't serious about the whole 'being nice to Ness' thing...")

"As crazy as it may sound, I am!"

("B-b-but! We're lifelong enemies! Rivals of the RPG genre that no one else can even begin to comprehend because it's not their main profession! We're basically popular vs. unpopular, overhyped vs. barely on the map, hated and loathed for its success vs. 'Who the hell is that kid? Is he from Pokémon? He's a kid, so he must be!'")

Ness glowered. "Okay, I get it."

Lucas frowned. "Oh, and what does that make me?"

("Annoying and out of our league. You're just that extra little dude who people probably know a little better thanks to the tournament, but still find wimpy and a clone of Ness because they're too narrow-minded and busy playing more overrated games to care.")

"...Okay, just for that, you have to be doubly nice to me and Ness now!"

("Aw, c'mon!")

"Uh, hey, Lucas? Um, since we're your best friends, we don't hafta degrade ourselves, right? We can just sit around and eat pizza like you said earlier, right?" asked Kirby.

"Nope! Other than Pikachu and probably Ness, you're all allowed to do what you want!"

"Yay!" He then smacked Dedede over the head. "You! I lost something! I can't remember what it was or what it looked like, but I want you to go find it! Hehehehe! And start calling me 'Your Majesty'! It'll be cool _and_ ironic!"

"...I'll go get it right away,_ Your Majesty_," he growled through clenched teeth.

"Speaking of which..." Ness snapped his fingers. "Hello, Pikachu? I think I want you over here to do my bidding..."

("Grrrrrrrr!") He stomped over. _("What?!")_

"Say something nice about me."

("...Your shirt looks really cool.")

"That's complementing my fashion sense, not me. Try again."

He sneered. ("...Your... hair looks kinda... nice today.")

"And?"

("And... uh... Maybe you're not as... fat as I... thought you were...")

He sweatdropped. "If we weren't apparently rivals, I'd actually pity your conceitedness."

"Ooh, this is gonna be so fun! Lemme try telling someone what to do!" Lucas clapped his hands as a command. "Fox, Samus, and Peach!"

The three dropped what they were doing and ran over. "Yeah?"

"You!" He pointed at Peach. "Bring me and my friends pizza!"

"Oh, okay, sweetie!" She pranced off. "And congratulations again!"

"You!" He said to Fox. "Dance for my amusement!"

He sweatdropped. "As an Arwing pilot, I must say I'm not--"

"Okay, well fine, then. Y'know, if you wanna piss of MH and all..."

The vulpine then started dancing like he was being murdered by a Metroid.

"And you!" He pointed at Samus, a stupid smile on his face. "Tell me I'm pretty."

"You're pretty," she muttered, not at all amused.

"How pretty am I?"

"...Very pretty."

"And how pretty is thaaaat?"

She sighed. "So pretty, that thousands of people somewhere had to become horribly disfigured just so it could be."

"Hooray! Thank you!" He clapped his hands again. "You're dismissed!"

Peach came back with several pizzas. "Here you are, darling! All for you and your little pals!"

"Ooh, you go, girl!" He took them. "Thanks a bunch!"

"Sure thing, girl! You stay sweet!" And then she twirled off in a way that was so girlishly embarrassing, Lucas should've had a good mind to knock himself into last Tuesday for associating with her.

Fox sweatdropped, still flinging his limbs about. "Uh, can I stop dancing now?"

Lucas tore into his slice of pizza with a stern, "NO."

"Ugh..."

Dedede came back with a Maxim Tomato. "Is this what you wanted?"

"Nope!" happily proclaimed Kirby, eating it. "Off with you! Try again!"

"Ugh..." He trudged off.

Toon Link waved his arms about. "Did somebody say pizza? Seriously, guys, I can't see. Somebody wanna help me out here?"

"Okay!" Popo gave him some trousers. "Here ya go!"

"Th--" He stretched the underwear, frowning. "This is not pizza..."

"No, it's even better!"

"TL, if you're really that blind, why don't you just fix your hair?" asked Nana.

"'Cuz then I'd be outta character! I wanna be the cool, evil guy for once, so this is very important to me! ...Oh, forget it; I'll just find it myself..." He continued flailing about until he ran into a table, finally able to get some pizza.

Ness continued aggravating Pikachu. "Come on, come on! I want more compliments! Lucas said!"

The mouse was half-ready to pull his ears out. ("...If Pokémon Trainers were some sort of soulless midget children dolls, you'd be good one.")

He frowned. "WTF, man? You're not even trying!"

Seeing him push Pikachu around, Lucas snapped his fingers. "Okay! Bowser, Wolf, and Ganondorf! Over here, please?"

All three bad guys groaned and came over.

"Yes, Your Blondeliness?" growled the spikiest one.

"Say something nice about me!"

He grumbled. "You're disgustingly cute."

He pointed at Ganondorf and Wolf. "You two! Say something nice about me!"

"Uh..." Wolf scratched his head. "Grabbing people with your trouser snake is cool because it's ambiguously suggestive?"

Ganondorf snorted. "...Your Up A is extremely cheap and annoying."

"Goody! Now fight to the death!"

Shrugging, Wolf promptly picked up a random chair and started bashing the hell outta Ganondorf, who was forced to hit him over the head with R.O.B., who was clearly in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Hooray! Everybody is happy! And everyone has to love!" He then sneered. "Except Wario. Someone do me a super happy favor and knock him into next week."

"What?!" he growled. "Why?!"

"Sweet revenge, 'cuz you're a meanie and I don't really like you," he innocently said.

"That's got be the stupidest reason to hate someone ever. I hate just about everyone here because you're all stupid, annoying, wimpy goody two shoes. I mean, you've got a pretty nice ass, so I guess you're kind excluded, but--"

"I don't care. Please die." He snapped his fingers, causing several shrugging Smashers to give chase.

"Aw, crap!" He ran.

Lucas grinned sadistically at this. "Not so unfounded revenge, huh?! _**HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YES, RUN! RUN! RUN AWAY AND NEVER RETURN! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"**_

Ness blinked. "You really need to see a professional."

"Wrestler?"

He sweatdropped. "...Yeah."

At that moment, the party came to a screeching halt as the sounds of jet engines neared the area. Confused, everyone looked to see four people coming down on jet packs. Due to the fact they were all Japanese and using said jet packs, everybody automatically knew who they were!

"Hey, look!" proclaimed Mario. "It's Shiggy!"

"_Shiggy!"_ All his loyal servants dashed over.

"Hello, all! Good to see you're doing so well!" He pet Yoshi. "Having fun kicking butt?"

"_**YEAH!"**_ they cheered, like some sort of miniature crowd, since over half the Brawl roster was right there.

("Tajiri!") Pikachu and the Pokémon, along with Red ran to him. ("What's up, man?! Brin' in the dough?")

"That, and so much more!"

("Dude, start thinking of new combinational names, because we are on a roll!")

"Yeah!" They high-fived each other. "Nice to see you other guys, too!"

"Same here!" And they all had an epic Pokémon high-fiving party.

"Saaaaaaaki!" squealed Kirby, running over. "Hi, hi, hi, hiiiii! We're having a party! It was so nice of you to come visit us! BTW, am I cute?!"

He pet him. "Cuter than a whole button factory!"

"OMG, THANK YOU!"

"Hmm, fancy seeing you here... I smell something foreboding," said Meta Knight, being all mysterious and stuff.

"But you dun have a nose," giggled the puffball.

"..." Right then and there, something in the galaxy was obliterated, because he had officially been owned.

"Hey, man!" pleaded Dedede, coming back with a Mr. Saturn. "Can you tell him to stop telling me to do stupid stuff? It's irritating! ...Also, is this what you wanted me to get... Your Majesty?"

"NO! You're not looking hard enough!" Pouting, Kirby threw it, whereas a nearby Itoi caught it.

"_**ZO**_o**M**! _ZooM!_ Ha**PP**y i Am t_**OO **_SeE y**O**u!" it laughed.

"Huh, well, isn't this a pleasant surprise? Hello, there, you," he greeted.

"..." Lucas stared at Itoi.

"..." Ness stared at Itoi.

"..." Itoi stared at both of them.

"..." Lucas got bored and started to share at Ness.

"Hey there, you little son of a mother," he said to Ness.

"...Yo." He did a totally gangsta hippin' pimp dope stupid fresh 90s sign. "Word to your mother."

At this, they both started laughing. Lucas frowned.

"...I don't get it."

Ness frowned. "Of course you wouldn't get it. You're not cool enough."

"If that's true, then how come _you're _not having an Illegal Fan Translation party, huh?" He stuck his tongue out.

"Um..." Miyamoto walked over. "Actually, that's why we're here."

Lucas sweatdropped. "Oh, are you guys here for the party? I don't know if we have enough food, but--"

"No!" Sakurai pointed at Lucas. "We must kill the Translated One!"

"...What?"

Miyamoto raised his arms. "Listen up! See this little blond kid here? Do us all a favor and get him for us, won'tcha?"

"Gasp!" gasped the Smashers.

"Huh?" Their prey frowned. "Oh noes, sorry if we don't have enough! I can force people to go and get some more, if you want!"

Donkey Kong sweatdropped. ("Master kiddin', right?")

"Nope! Nintendo rarely kids!"

"But..." Zelda squinted. "But, why? What'd he do?"

"Well, I think you all should know, especially since you're celebrating it!" He smiled. "This whole fan translation thing has cost us millions and millions of dollars!"

"Yeah!" added Tajiri. "Who does that guy think he is?! ...Seriously, tell me, 'cuz I dunno."

Sakurai nodded. "Yep, sorry, but as Nintendo, when we say no English release, we mean no English release! How dare you go behind our backs and commit such an offense?! We should lock you in the Nintendo Vault of Forgotten Good Ideas for this!"

Everyone reared back in fear. _**"The Nintendo Vault of Forgotten Good Ideas?! OH NOOOO!"**_

Toon Link scrambled to hide behind Link. _**"HOLD MEEEEEEEEEE!"**_

Lucas blinked. "What? Why is that bad? What's going on?"

Ness gasped. "Dude, you've never heard of the Nintendo Vault of Forgotten Good Ideas?!"

"No...?"

"To know it... is to fear it..."

"Why?"

"'Cuz it's where they put you when you undoubtedly had a good game, but bad reception! I should know..." He blanched. "I've been there..."

He scoffed. "Can't be that bad. You're just trying to scare me, right? This is so totally not funny."

Ness twitched. "I remember it like it was yesterday..."

* * *

_**Yay, a flashback!**_

In an office, Ness slammed his hands on a table. "Whaddya mean 'EarthBound' was a flop?!"

"Look, we're just as surprised as you are. It just didn't sell," Miyamoto shrugged. "Sorry, but we lost a ton of money thanks to this."

"That's not my fault! That was years ago! You guys more than recovered from this supposed 'money loss'!"

He smiled. "Listen, sometimes, games just don't go over well. Maybe it was lacking presentation, or something. I feel that's gonna catch up with us someday. You're kinda the... black sheep of the family..."

"Black sheep? _Black sheep?!_ Oh, so just because I tried something a little different, that makes me the black sheep?! _**THAT'S STUPID!"**_

"Sorry to say this, but... You've been sentenced to the Nintendo Vault of Forgotten Good Ideas. Sorry it had to be like this, but we can't have anybody standing in our way of world domination."

"Huh?! What're you talking about?!"

Ness soon realized what he meant as thousands of Toads came out of nowhere and dragged him off to said vault. Of course, he resisted.

"_You can't do this to me! It's not fair! Come on! Gimme another chance! __**A SEQUEL! MY BASEBALL BAT FOR A SEQUEL!"**_

"Sorry, 'EarthBound 64' shall never be. Itoi called me this morning. I don't think you were even gonna be in it, so..." He shrugged.

"Hey, wait!" shouted Sakurai, running over. "That kid right there! Is he a Pokémon Trainer?!"

"Why, what happened?"

"Listen, Bowser and Dedede aren't gonna be able attend to the first-ever Super Smash Brothers Tourney, and we're running low on time! We're short two combatants and we need them by next week! I managed to squeeze in Captain Falcon, but he's not enough!" He pointed at Ness. "Tell me that guy is a flagship employee! If so, we need him!"

"He kinda is, but he's being put away for inadequate game performance."

"Inadequate, shminadequate! Does he work here?"

"Yes."

"Can he fight?"

"Yes..."

"Good!" He shook Ness' hand. "Congratulations! You are officially a Smasher!"

"Yeah, yeah!" He laughed nervously. "S-so, I'm excused, right? From the vault, right? For this tourney, right?"

Miyamoto raised an eyebrow. "...I suppose so, but we've never done anything this big before. So if you screw up, or it doesn't go our way, back in you go. Understand?"

He gulped. "Yes..."

"Perfect!" Sakurai threw papers all over the place. "You're a hidden character, so you don't get much say on anything in the establishment, but whatever! Here are the rules and regulations, blah, blah, blah! You're in! Bye!" With that, he ran off.

_**Yay, flashback over!**_

* * *

Ness put his hands on his hips. "...And that is how I escaped the evil clutches of the Nintendo Vault of doom!"

"Ooooooooh!" All the Smashers except an annoyed Pikachu applauded.

("Pfft, big deal. Maybe if you didn't suck so hard, you wouldn't have had your ass in there in the first place.")

"Yes, and 'SSB' was a hit! Unfortunately, you weren't, so you better be glad 'EB64' was cancelled, because you would've been replaced in Melee and headed straight to the vault," said Miyamoto.

"What?!"

"Yeah, we wanted to try something different, so you were gonna be replaced with Lucas there... But he resigned and we had to keep you in."

Lucas sweatdropped. "Yeah, I wasn't ready, then stuff happened and we ended up cancelling the whole thing. It was like... celebrating Halloween on Christmas; not in the timing."

"And, to make matters worse, when he finally _did_ get ready, we weren't gonna invite you back to Brawl, but the fans had a hissyfit, so we kept you in to shut them up."

The other kid was in shock. "...You gotta be kidding me! I can't believe you'd do this! Are you out to get me?! What is this?! Is this Ness vs. everyone, or something?!"

Itoi laughed. "Pretty much."

"This is so stupid. It's ridiculous, and I don't understand why you guys are so bent on making me fail." He shrugged. "What did I do? What the hell did I do?! What did I do to invoke the wrath of Nintendo so much?!"

"Have bad game sales and not enough sequels to back it up," answered Sakurai.

He laughed. "That's not my fault. That's like blaming Kirby for being in this tournament because the guy who started it is his boss!"

The puffball shrugged. "I probably would've been in anyway."

Tajiri jumped up. "Regardless, we're getting off on a tangent! We want that kid, and we want him now!"

Diddy frowned. ("Well, he may've broken the rules, but it's not his fault!")

"Oh, okay then! He gets the thanks when the thing was completed, and now that he's in trouble, it's not his fault! Yeah, that's completely fair!" growled Ness, stomping away.

"Sorry guys, but Lucas is our friend!" said Red. "We're not gonna turn him in!"

"Yeah! He may be a wuss, but he's a Smasher, and Smashers always stick together!" added Link, unsheathing his sword. "If you want him, you're gonna hafta go through us first!"

"_**YEAH!"**_ shouted everybody except Marth, who was drowning his sorrow in chocolate ice cream, and Ness, who was having some sort of mental breakdown.

"Awwwww..." cooed Lucas. "Who knew you guys were all so nice? Group hug!"

Jigglypuff sweatdropped. ("Maybe later...")

Miyamoto laughed. "I had a feeling you'd all say that, so I decided to turn this into a contest. Dig this! First one who gets him gets to star in a new game!"

A loud record-scratching noise came from nowhere, making everyone snap their head up. "...What?"

"You heard me right! Whoever brings him back gets to choose their own game! Good, bad, platform, RPG, puzzle, brand new or remake, starring you or someone else; whatever! Just get that kid, and the prize shall be yours!"

"Yeah! Bring him back dead or alive!" laughed Tajiri.

"...Uh, we can't do that; it'd make a huge plot hole..." said Sakurai.

"Oh, fine, then." He crossed his arms. "Just... rough him up, then, I guess."

"You heard me right, Smashers!" continued Miyamoto. "Just catch Lucas, and the sky is the limit to what game you want!"

...At that, all his once-supportive friends turned to Lucas with hungry eyes and blank expressions.

He giggled nervously. "Aw... C'mon! Who wants to be in a new game simply for profit anyway? You gotta use your heart and--"

"_**GET THE BLONDIE!"**_ shouted Samus.

"_**Aaaah!"**_ Lucas screamed as Diddy pounced on him, followed by Luigi, Mr. Game &Watch, Falco, Zelda, Dedede, and nearly everyone else.

"_**I GOT 'EM!"**_ roared Captain Falcon, grabbing him. _**"WHERE'S MY GAME?!"**_

Wolf kicked him away. _**"Take a hike! The kid's mine!"**_

"_**But I need a remake!"**_ whined Pit, pulling on him.

_**("Banana-headed kid is now DK's!")**_ growled the gorilla.

"_**MINE! MINE!"**_ growled Ike.

_**"The child is mine!"**_

_**"Mine!"**_

_**"No, mine! Give 'em here!"**_

_**"Are you blind?! He's mine!"**_

"_**GIVE 'EM HERE!"**_

"_**Back off!"**_

"_**Outta the way! I need this!"**_

_**"Lucas, come to me! I've got candy!"**_

_**"I've got money!"**_

"_**Come to me, Lucas! I'm sexy!"**_

Lucas finally managed to break away from the madness, but, of course, everyone chased. After tripping on invisible air, and a short tussle, he soon came into the possession of five different Smashers. Wario had one leg, Lucario had the other, Meta Knight had an arm, Mr. Game and Watch the other one, and Link came into the possession of his head.

"_**Release him now!"**_ demanded Meta Knight. _**"I rightfully deserve my time in the spotlight!"**_

"_**But Pokémon needs more original games!"**_ argued Lucario.

"_**Hands off!"**_ braked Wario. _**"I've been after this kid more than any of you!"**_

Game and Watch pulled out a turtle.

"_**I'm the coolest and sexiest one out of all you!"**_ taunted Link._** "I deserve a new game more than anybody!"**_

"OH NO!" wailed Lucas. "This is horrible! I wanna spread the love and all, but you guys are tearing me apart! Could this possibly get any worse?!"

"_**DAHAHAHAHA!**_ What fun this must be, then!" laughed someone everyone knew all too well.

"Hey, look who came to join the party!" smiled Sakurai. "Mr. Tattletale himself!"

As expected, Porky appeared on the scene in his spider robot thingy. "Hey there, losers! S'bout I come and crash the party again!" He took note of the actual fact that's what had happened. "Looks like I did a pretty good job of it, too!"

("Porky! This is all your doing, isn't it?! You snitched about the fan translation in order to get us all in trouble and rid yourself of Lucas once and for all, didn't you?!") growled Pikachu.

He laughed. "Ha! Ya got me there!"

("Dude!") He high-fived him. ("Good call! Y'know, the world could learn on how to be successful from you.")

"Exactly! That's what I've been saying all along! Finally, someone who gets it!"

"_Well, this has officially become more idiotic than I thought it could be,"_ said Sandbag, still somehow drinking punch._ "How very sad for all of you."_

"See? I told you," Chauncey nodded. "I knew if we sat around here long enough doing something this stupid, it'd all erupt into madness later."

"Arf, arf!" added the Nintendog, finishing off her ice cream.

"Let's kick back and watch then, shall we?" proposed Miyamoto.

Mario smiled, not desperate for a new game for obvious reasons. "Once again, a great idea from you, Shiggy!"

"Yeah!" With that he, Miyamoto, Tajiri, Sakurai, Porky, Pikachu, Strawberry-Limousine, Sandbag, and Chauncey all sat back and watched the insanity unfold before them.

Itoi sweatdropped. "It's like I don't even know you people anymore..."

Meanwhile, Lucas ran for his life, with people, animals, and Pokémon barreling after him.

Pit flew by. _**"Give up! We're gonna get you!"**_

"_**You can't escape!"**_ called Olimar, failing at life as about 35,348 of his Pikmin died for no reason.

But being the master at running away from things, Lucas was able to dash into hiding behind a large, conveniently-placed rock. Panting, he was about to peak over and see if he was safe when he bumped into someone.

"_**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"**_

Still blind, Toon Link panicked. "What?! What's going on?! Did somebody die?!"

"...Oh, it's only you guys..." Lucas was able to relax when he realized it was only Toon Link, along with the Ice Climbers and Kirby for some reason. "W-what're you doing over here?"

Popo frowned. "We don't tell you how to live your life!"

Kirby blinked. "Did you see those guys out there?! Who knew you'd stir up such a commotion?! We just want to get out of the way!"

"I know! They're insane! I-I-I don't know what to do! They're gonna get me sooner or later, then I'll get in trouble with those others guys and they'll put in that vault thingy with the other bad stuff Ness talked about!" He whimpered. "Oh, what am I gonna do...?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." drawled Popo, not being any help at all.

He trembled. "...Wait. Y-you guys wouldn't turn me in, w-would you?!"

Kirby smiled. "Not me! I'm too lazy for a new game right now!"

"Same here," Toon Link sweatdropped, facing Nana because he couldn't see. "Don't tell Miyamoto, but I really don't feel like it at the moment..."

"Oh, good! I can always count on you--!" He was cut off as Nana smacked him in the back of the head, knocking him out.

"Oh noes! Why'd you do that?!" demanded Kirby.

"Sorry, but Popo and I need fans! We need them bad! Nothing personal, but we gotta do this!" She dragged him off. "C'mon, Popo!"

"Aw, but I was having a staring contest with the rock! And winning!" He whined.

"Aw, come on! Cut the guy some slack! Payback's a female dog, you know!" said Kirby.

Confused, she turned around. "What?"

"Oh, I mean, uh," He pointed. "Your little prize is gone."

"Huh?!" She looked down to realize Lucas had, indeed, woken up and bolted.

"_**THERE HE IS!"**_ shouted Wolf, pointing at the sprinting Lucas in the distance. _**"ATTACK!"**_

With everyone chasing after him again, Lucas was excited to spot Red and Charizard idling leaning against a tree, not looking even remotely interested in getting in on the stupidity.

"Red! Red!" he bawled, running to him. "Help me, please! T-they're all to get me! Save me, Red! Pleeeeeeeeeeease! You're the only one left! _**HELP MEEEEEEE!"**_

"Don't worry, pal!" He grabbed him. "I'll make sure to keep you nice and safe from all those backstabbing so-called friends of yours! Just stick with me and you'll be fine!"

He latched onto him. "Yay! Thank you!"

"But..."

"Huh?"

He pulled him off, handing him to Charizard with a pervy smile. "Maybe we outta keep you here... Y'know, for extra protection!"

"B-b-but I wanna stay with yoooooou!" he whined, holding his arms out.

"Aw, but you'll be much, much safer in Charizard's nice, strong grip than in mine. Practically no one can getcha outta that!"

"Well..." He shuffled uncomfortably in the dragon's arms. "Okay... If you say so..."

"Good boy! Now that that's settled..." He dashed off, Charizard close behind. _**"WE GOT 'EM, GUYS! WE GOT 'EM!"**_

"_**WHAT?!"**_ Lucas squirmed. _**"Oh, Red! NOOOOOOOO! I thought I could trust yooooooou!"**_

"And you can! Don't worry, I'll let you go as soon as I get Gold and Silver remakes!"

"_**B-b-but--!"**_

"Here he is, guys!" he proclaimed, reaching Sakurai. "Gold and Silver remake! Gold and Silver remake!"

"Ha! My guy caught him! That means I'm awesome!" laughed Tajiri.

("Yeah! Up top!") He and Pikachu high-fived.

Miyamoto smiled. "Ah, very good job! Got any names in mind?"

Red was ecstatic. "Ooh! Ooh! Gleaming Gold and Shining Silver, and you should--!"

_**("AHHHHHHHHH!")**_ screamed Charizard, for no apparent reason.

Red scowled. "Charizard! How many times have I told you not to randomly scream like that when I'm trying to make deals with corporate Japanese people?!"

("It's that kid!") he seethed, holding his arm. ("H-he bit me and ran off!")

"And you let him because of that?!"

("That punk's got some sharp fangs on him! They were like razor blades!") He looked himself over in panic. ("Am I bleeding anywhere?!")

Red facepalmed. "Oh, just go get him again! I swear..."

"_**THERE HE IS! I SEE 'EM! OVER THERE! GET 'EM!"**_ shouted Snake.

"_**HE'S TOO SLOW FOR ME!"**_ laughed Sonic, ready to zoom after him.

Peach paused. "You do realize the prize only applies to Nintendo employees, right? It doesn't matter if you two catch him."

Snake's face fell. "...Are you... Are you serious?"

"Yes, unfortunately." With that, she gave chase. "Lucas, sweetie! Come back here, dear!"

Realizing this horrible truth, Snake and Sonic trudged off to where Marth was.

"Got room for two more?" sadly asked the hedgehog.

The swordsman slid them both buckets of ice cream. "Sure, here you go..."

"_**Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"**_ squealed Lucas running off once more. Unfortunately, he tripped over nothing and fell right in front of a brooding Ness.

"Having fun with your fans? Oh, it must be so thrilling to have them all chase after you like that. Like they actually _**want you!"**_

"Ness, please!" He whimpered. "C-c-can you be all heroic and stuff and save me, please?"

"No, I'm in a bad mood. Please try again later."

"PLEASE! I never said I wanted to replace you! I never would've joined if I'd known it jeopardized your chances of coming back! Seriously! I mean it! You're way cooler than I am, honest! You were, like, born to be cooler than me! And your Mr. Saturn shirt is almost more awesome than my hair!"

He frowned. _"Almost?"_

Lucas pouted. "Yeah, _almost._ I'm not giving you that much credit."

He shrugged, getting up. "Fair enough."

"So you're gonna help--" Lucas was cut off Ness as grabbed him like a hostage.

"_**NOBODY MOVE! NOBODY FREAKIN' MOVE!"**_ he demanding, holding a Ray Gun to his head._** "IF ANYONE EVEN FLINCHES, HE'S GONNA GET IT!"**_

"Gasp!" gasped the Smashers, stopping in their tracks.

Lucas wiggled. "Ooh, a little rough, aren't we?"

"Stop complaining, or I'll drop you like it's hot."

His face fell. "...Wow, Ness. I'm sorry, but... that was really lame."

He ignored him, despite thinking the exact same thing. _**"I GOT 'EM, ALL RIGHT?! HE'S MINE, AND NOBODY ELSE'S, SO EVERYBODY, SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!"**_

"..." The ground rumbled as everybody plopped on their asses.

Pikachu's ears went up. ("Talk about irony! Ness went postal and caught Lucas!")

Porky pouted. "Aw, I kinda wanted to do that..."

Tajiri frowned. "So, is that fat kid the blond kid's cousin, or something? He looks like a Pokémon Trainer to me..."

"No..." Itoi smacked him over the head with the Mr. Saturn from earlier.

"Now... everybody stay where they are, or else Blondie gets it, and no new games for you!" ordered Ness, eyeing them all.

"Gasp!" gasped the Smashers again. Why are they being so melodramatic today?

"Yeah!" laughed Lucas. "Ness has got me now, losers! What're you gonna do now?! I am officially protected with him! Can't get sweet, little, cute me now! Nyah, nyah!"

No sooner has he said that, Ness whispered, "Speaking of which... Remember a few weeks ago when I got attacked by Rayquaza and you did nothing to help me?"

"...Yeah?"

"Consider this payback."

His face fell. "Huh?!"

Zipping over to Miyamoto, he held him up. "MOTHER trilogy, DS ports, make it so, please. Kthx."

Lucas bawled. _**"NOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON, BUT I STILL LIKE YOU! HOW WILL SLEEP AT NIGHT, KNOWING THAT?!"**_

Miyamoto frowned. "Ness, I must say this is low, dirty, disgusting, and just flat wrong you'd turn in your own bud for profit."

"So?"

"Good point! You're starting to learn from us!" He took him. "Well, it's been a fun joyride for you, I'm sure, but it's now time for you to face your vaulty doom, Lucas!"

"Can I kill him first?!" pleaded Porky.

"No," answered Itoi.

"Awwwwwwwwww! But I wannaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Lucas whimpered. "Well, I guess this is it, huh? I can't even be a Smasher anymore?"

"Sorry," shrugged Sakurai, "you can't. But I'll have to officially strip you of it so it can be... official."

Toon Link frowned. "Again, you have no idea how wrong that sounded."

He cleared his throat. "Lucas, due to conspiring against Nintendo for harboring a fan translation without our say-so, I hereby strip you of all things related to Smash and relieve you of your duties as a Brawler. Your records and profile pertaining to it shall be destroyed and no one here is to ever speak of anything about you again. Are you against this?"

He lowered his head. "No..."

"Then I hereby dub you no longer a Smasher and sentence you to the Nintendo Vault of Forgotten Good Ideas, starting... right--!"

Miyamoto snapped up. _**"HOLD IT! I've got an idea!"**_

Mario jumped up. "Hey, everybody! Shiggy's got an idea!"

And the whole universe rejoiced.

"Quick, quick! Tell us!" pleaded Link. "What is it this time? Huh?"

"...Let's... make an enhancement to the DS and try and pass it off as a next gen handheld! It'll be like the accidental spawn of the DS Lite and the Wii! You won't be able to play GBA games on it, but who cares when you can take pictures of stuff?! Plus, it'll be all slick and neat for the dopes who don't have a DS and the dopes who do! And we shall dub it... The DSi!"

"What a great idea! It's ingenious!" gasped Captain Falcon.

Olimar started crying. "That's out Shiggy, all right!"

He dropped Lucas. "Forget this kid; the MOTHER series is officially dead to us now! We're moving on to bigger and better things!"

Itoi shrugged. "I had a feeling you'd say that."

Sakurai nodded. "Right! What a great idea! We need to get to work on that! Along with only a few choice games on our most popular franchises, while the other, more obscure ones will have to wait at least another 2 years, if not longer, before we can be arsed to deal with them!"

Ness' mouth dropped. "So... No, MOTHER DS port?! But I gave him to you! Now, make it so!"

"I reiterate; the MOTHER series is officially dead to us now!" laughed Sakurai. "On to more money-bringing profits!"

"Yeah!" added Tajiri. "I didn't even know what it was, anyway!"

Itoi shrugged again. "...Maybe if we do enough drugs, we'll get back to you guys with any advancements."

"And me?" asked the blonde.

Sakurai smirked. "Meh, I guess I can let this little misdemeanor slide just this once. Only the real freaks'll find out about this translation, so it can't be all that bad. Besides, we need you here to make Ness look good!"

"Make _**me**_ look good?!" scowled Ness.

"Yay!" Lucas hugged him. "Thank you! Really! I appreciate it!"

"Can I still kill him?" asked Porky.

"No," said Itoi again.

He pouted. _**"AW, YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING! **_Ooh, forget this! I'm going home to kill some of my own servants! I can never have any fun here!" With that, he angrily flew off and nobody cared. Um, yay?

"I guess that's our cue to go, too," said Miyamoto. "We need to get cracking on this new idea, after all!"

All his creations ran up to him. _**"Awwww, bye Miyamoto! We love you!"**_

"See you guys, later," said Sakurai, waving. "Try not to do anything else illegal, all right?"

"Okay!" chirped Kirby, hugging him. "Am I still cute?!"

"The cutest thing in the history of forever!"

"All right!" He did the Kirby Dance. "Whoo hoo!"

"See you later, Sak. Keep in touch," said Dedede, giving Kirby a Soccer Ball. "Here! Is this what you wanted... Your Majesty?"

"Oh, you don't have to call me that anymore, because you've finally found it!" He bounced it up and down on his head. "This is what I was looking for! Thank yooooou! I look super cute with this!"

"A fond farewell to you, as well... My friend," said Meta Knight, turning and flashing his cape about so dramatically, you would've thought he just killed somebody.

"Bye, guys!" Tajiri got into another high five party with his crew. "It's okay that you didn't catch Lucas! You're all winners to me!"

("Thank you, Tajiri! You're cool to us, too!") they all chirped, including Red.

"Peace out, man," said Ness, he and Itoi doing a multitude of totally outdated handshakes with each other.

"Yeah, bro, peace out. Don't let The Man bring you down, word?"

He lit up at this. "Yeah, man! Word! Word up!"

Lucas frowned. "...I still don't get it, but... uh, don't forget to get stupid, dope, and jiggy with it, a'ight?"

"...Meh, he's learning," shrugged Ness.

Itoi nodded. "You get an 'A' for effort."

"All right, guys! Let's bring it on home! We got fans waiting!" called Sakurai.

"Yeah!" laughed Tajiri. "And now that this MOTHER... thing's been translated, that's one thing the fans will stop complaining about!"

"You know they're just gonna start complaining about a MOTHER 4, right?" said Itoi, killing all enthusiasm.

"...Aw, whatever. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," said Miyamoto, looking around suspiciously.

That being said, all four started their jet packs and flew back to Japan to do whatever Nintendo does to take their fans' money! Does that deserve a "hooray"? It does?! Okay, then! HOORAY!

With them gone, Lucas pouted. "Ooh, I'm ashamed of all of you! You've all been super, duper, very naughty today! Trying to turn me in like that!"

Wolf scoffed. "And what're you gonna do about it?"

He pulled Ness over. "Hey, Ness! Do that thing with the thing and Poké and mon and the thing where the guy comes out of the thing and then he goes nfejoaeksdougsjewhuigirewh!"

He sweatdropped. "I have no idea what you just said, yet, I know what you mean."

He blew into a whistle he got from nowhere and, about 0.38404 seconds later, a trillion million Mr. Saturns fell on all of the accused.

"_**AHHHHHHHHHH! THEY'RE EATING OUR SPLEENS!"**_ they cried.

("Huh. For some reason, I was expecting that,") said Pikachu.

"I was, too, but who cares?" laughed Kirby, still bouncing the Soccer Ball on his head. "Look how cute I am!"

"_**We don't care! LEAVE US ALONE!"**_ droned Marth, Sonic, and Snake, still sadly eating ice cream.

Unable to take being blind anymore, Toon Link finally fixed his hair, sweatdropping at what he saw. "Ooh... Maybe it's a good thing I _didn't _see this..."

Popo made a face. "Hey, how come Ness and Nana didn't get squished? They tried to--"

They knocked him out._** "Shut up!"**_

"Uh, can we still party?" asked Chauncey.

"Why, sure!" laughed Lucas. "Just wait until everyone's done being despleened, and we can continue!"

"_I've been partying all along. The people in my head are having a blast,"_ said Sandbag. _"We just ran out of punch, though, so we could really use some more."_

Mario made a face. "As a guy who's been to more parties than he should've in his day and age, I must say that was pretty uncalled for."

Strawberry-Limousine piddled on the ground. "Arf!"

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes**__**:**__ I wonder if Nintendo even knows about the MOTHER 3 translation, or what they'd do about if they did? XD_


	24. Heads, Names, and Lunch: Part 1

_**Authoress' Notes:** When the door to the Clone Holding Area is accidentally left open, the clones of a certain seven get out and decide to take over the house... somehow. Now it's up to another certain clone to stop them and save the day! ...How cliché!_

* * *

_**What Goes On**_

_**Chapter 24:**_ _Popping Heads, Taking Names, and Buying Lunch (Part 1)_

* * *

Deep below the huge mansion of Smash, buried like a secret long forgotten was a large area that was so large, so big, and so wide, it was almost like a reverse Smash Mansion underground. It was practically overflowing with the craziest, messed-up part of the house known to anyone who lived there. There were no bathrooms down there, no cafeteria, and no Item Closets; only 37 different rooms, heralding some of the deadliest threats in Smash History: the clones.

Behold, the Clone Holding Area, possibly the only place in the house that was more dangerous than the house itself. No less than three copies of each Smasher were held up in this joint, and this was the true horror of it all. Not only were there so many versions of everyone, but they were all emotionally unstable, rebellious, attention-wanting, and assbackwards. They were simply separate copies of a whole person, so this was understandable. So, why did they do this and take the risk of bringing the house down upon a breakout? Just in case a Smasher wanted to watch themselves beat the crap out of each other without actually doing it. It was sick and twisted, but that's what made it so fun. Whoever came up with such an idea should receive an award, then dragged into the street and shot.

Fortunately, as copies, they didn't require the same needs as the actual people. Just some food every month or so, and they were fine. Of course, as always, it was Mario's job to stop in every once in a while to check up on them, feed them, and, if one them had somehow expired, by aggravated violence from the others or otherwise, restore them thoroughly.

Stepping into the area of damnation, he dragged several large crates of food behind him. He sighed, looking down the long hallway of the CHA. There were 18 doors to the left and right, with an extra one at the end. That equaled 37. He had a long way to go before all were fed. It probably would've been a lot easier if everyone on the same team roomed in one room like the real ones did, but that'd send some rooms' numbers, like the Mario Team's, easily sailing into the 20's. This was a death sentence just waiting to happen, so that option was out.

Ready to get this over with, he went into one of the first rooms. Not surprisingly, it was full of his own clones. "All right, you guys! It's that time of the month! Get ready!"

Everyone gasped in horror.

"...No, I mean it's time to feed you all."

They breathed a sigh of relief.

A yellow Mario ran up, smiling crazily. Yellow clones were insanely happy all the time, so this was expected. _**"HELLO, ME! HEY, THANKS A LOT FOR THE FOOD! I HOPE YOU BROUGHT LOTSA SPAGHETTI!"**_

He sweatdropped, handing him a crate. "Yes. Yes, I did."

"_**YAY, PASTA! HE BROUGHT THE PASTA THIS TIME, GUYS! PASTA, PASTA, PASTA!"**_

Everyone else rejoiced as he closed the door, making sure to lock it. He visited the next room. "Hey, guys. Soup's on."

A white Link took the box, looking at him blankly. White clones were unable to do much more, due to their monotonous nature. "Hmm, food. Ah, thanks, I suppose. Can't say this'll be good, but it might be... Or maybe not, I dunno. I'm not inclined to say that."

"That's nice." Closed the door, went to the next. "Here you guys are." He set another box in. A green Wolf looked at him in horror. "What?"

He trembled uncontrollably._ "H-h-how do we know t-t-that's not p-p-poisonous?!"_

Poor green ones. Always the weirdoes. They were just all over the place.

"Aw, don't worry! There's only an 89% chance of that happening, 3 down from last time!" He closed the door and opened another next to it. "Food's here. Come get your grub."

"...Oh..." A blue Ness trudged over. "...Thanks... I'm so excited... and I just can't hide it... Hooray for food..."

Blues were, obviously, the sad, depressed ones. They were the ultimate masters in pessimism.

"Duuuuuuude," droned a green one, "did you actually bring something we'd want to eat this time?"

"Yeah, yeah." He handed him a box of magic markers. "Here you go."

"Duuuuuuude, nice. These are, like, going right up my nose, yo." He jammed them up his snout, snorting and coughing like an idiot. "Oh, ho, maaaaaaan! Good stuff, man! Gooooood stuff!"

"Good..." Next room, next box. "Okay, guys. Here's your—"

"_**What took you so long, you lazy bastard?!"**_ growled a red Lucas, snatching the crate. _**"I've been starving over here! Gimme that! Now, screw off!"**_He slammed the door.

Mario scoffed, moving to the next door. "Fine."

Ah, the red ones, always pissed at something and ready to tear off other people's heads. They were like Blues on steroids. Little did the plumber notice the door had been slammed so hard, it didn't close all the way. Regardless, he went on to the next room. Red Lucas failed to notice this, too, swaggering back in with the food.

Sniffling and snorting, Blue Lucas came over. "...I-i-is that the... food... a-and stuff? 'Cuz I-I-I'm really hungry and... stuff..."

He scowled, pulling it away. "Yeah, but don't get your hopes up, 'cuz this is my food! Hands off!"

"B-b-but that's supposed to be for all of us! You're a..._** big meanie! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH**__!"_

"Uh oh..." cooed Pink Lucas, sashaying out of the bathroom. "What's with all the crying? What's going on over heeeere?~"

"_Red's being mean!"_ bawled Blue. _"He won't share the food or nothin'! __**WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**__!"_

"Oh, is that so? Okay, guys, let's not start this nonsense again.~ I just woke up from a fantabulous naaaap, and I don't need thiiiis. Come on, Mr. Greedy Gut. Sharing is caring.~"

"_More like sharing is step off before I rip you a new one! All of you can stuff it! This is __**MINE**__!"_

Pink pouted. "Well, that is sooo totally rude! Why must you be so insensitive?" She turned to another clone sitting at a table. "Mr. Candle Head, get over here and show him what for! I'd do it myself, but I just did my nails.~"

"Ugh..." On a laptop, Claus-Lucas rubbed his head in frustration. "Trying to play illegally-translated games over here... Really hard to concentrate."

"Well, screw you!" spat Red, running off. "The food is mine!"

Green sat in the fetal position in a corner. _"Shh! S-stop yelling...! The walls...! T-they have ears...! They're going to kill us!"_

Pink put hands on her hips. "Well, if you're going to act like that, then fine! I am so done with you! Every day, it's the same thing! Why're you always so mean to Blue—"

"Oh, shaddup!" groaned Red, talking over Pink. "You always do this, too! Nothing's ever good enough for you! Always standing up for the loser! Why don't you just take a hike—"

Blue joined in. _**"STOP SCREAMING! **__You're hurting my ears and making me cry!"_

"_**We're all gonna die!"**_ Green Lucas started running around in circles. _**"We're all gonna die!"**_

"_Guys, shut up!"_ growled Claus-Lucas._ "How do you expect me to ignore you if you keep making all this noise?!"_

Pink wagged a finger in Red's face. "You need to learn some manners! Stop picking on poor, little Blue!"

Red stuck his tongue out. "It's not my fault you both suck!"

"But how can you be so heartless?! We need to eat, too!"

"If you wanna eat, you gotta fight!" He put down the box and sat on it. "We haven't been let outta here for a long time, and I'm getting restless! So fight me, or go hungry!"

"Oh, yeah?! Well, that's it, Mr. Man!~" challenged Pink. "Prepare to feel my fantabulous wrath!~"

"Ooh, I'm _so_ scared. The girl's gonna get me. Watch out for the little lady, guys..." He frowned. "Seriously, are you even trying? Take more action. At least try and make me feel like I should be afraid."

Pink decided to do the one thing girls did when boys pissed them off; throw something! She hurled a stick at the laughing clone, knocking him off the crate.

"So, y'know, yeah!" Pink z-snapped. "Take that!~"

"Oh..." He stood, cracking his fists. "It's on now."

"You want it? Come and get it. Y'know, if you think you're man enough..."

That made Red fuming mad as he charged at Pink and the two had it out.

"Pfft, good. Knock your brains out, for all I care. Y'know, on the off chance you actually have any," scoffed Claus-Lucas, going back to the laptop, only to exclaim, _**"Aw, crap! I died!"**_

"Guys, stop it!" whined Blue. "We're supposed to be a happy family! I mean, look!" He pointed at the door. "People can hear you outside and think we're in an abusive relationship!"

Green blanched. "...The door?_ The door?! OMG, THE DOOR! It's open! The germs! __**THE GERMS!"**_

"Wait, wait, wait!" barked Red, stopping the fight with Pink. "What?"

His opponent perked up. "Hey, look! Green's right! The door! It's... it's wide open!"

"Exactly!" continued Blue, going over to close it. "We don't need anyone knowing how reckless and inappropriate we act in our spare time, so—"

"Oh, no you don't!" Red kicked him in the back of the head, knocking him over. "Idiot, don't close that! Don't you see? Don't you get it?"

"That we're all gonna die, thanks to the germs you've let come in from outside?" trembled Green.

He frowned. "No! The door's open! That means... Freedom!"

Blue blinked. "W-wha?"

He went on. "I mean, no restraints! No more small, cramped room! No more coming straight back after a lame fight, never to know the next time we'll get to strut our stuff! And most of all... No one to tell us what to do and where to go!"

"Are you sure?" asked Pink, inching over to the open door. "I don't know about this. It could be a trap..."

"Fine, then you can test it out for us!" Red grabbed Pink, hurling her out.

"Eeeeeeee!" she squealed, landing roughly outside. Angry, she stood. "Hey! What's the big idea, hauling me around like that?! Be gentle! I could've broken a nail!"

"What? I was only taking the trash," smirked Red, coming out after her. "Nothing wrong with that, right?"

She gasped, turning her nose up. "Well, I never!"

"C'mon, guys!" he called to the others. "It's okay! The outside's fine!"

Green shivered. "But there're germs out there! A-and I-I'm so vulnerable...!"

"Look, nothing's happening to us, all right? Besides, germs are everywhere. I betcha out here's actually cleaner than in there."

Once again, Pink got offended. "I beg your pardon! I go through a lot to keep that place nice and sparkling clean, mostly because none of you know the meaning of the word 'clean living'! I swear, you will not find a cleaner room in this pigpen, so—!"

Red held his ears, shaking his head in disregard. "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Do you hear yourself when you talk? It's like grinding the biggest piece of chalk across the longest chalkboard in the world."

Green didn't move, horrified from their continued argument. "...I t-think I'd rather s-stay in here, thank y-you very m-much..."

Red shrugged. "Oh, okay, y'know, if you really want to. I'll just come back in there and make you wish you didn't say that."

"_**Noooooooooooo!"**_ he bawled, running out and hugging Pink, who scowled at Red, who scowled back.

"Same goes for Little Boy Blue, too."

Blue didn't need to be told twice, also running out and taking refuge behind Pink.

"I really think you need some serious anger management," she snorted.

"I don't care." He turned back to the last clone. "C'mon, Candle Head. You're invited, too."

"No," he responded, going back to typing madly on his laptop. "This is illegal, and you all know it. Go out there and get yourselves in trouble if you want. And when you get in caught, I'll be right in here, chilling with the grub, laughing at you dumbasses."

Red didn't take too kindly to getting called a dumbass, especially by a clone that was no better than he was. He easily could've voiced his opinion on this on settled this disagreement peacefully, but why do that when there was always the option of violence? And besides, violence wasn't the answer; it was the question, and the answer was yes! Thus, a well-placed smack to the head solved everything.

He dragged the unconscious clone out. And by the pout in her lip, Pink obviously disapproved. "Nice going, Red. You probably killed him with that stunt. Do you feel happy, knocking the snot out of innocent, unsuspecting children with insanely red hair?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do." He dropped him, closing the door. "Now that that's taken care of, I say we run amok and rock this place inside out! Who's with me?!"

"Is that gonna hurt?" whimpered Blue.

"Hurt? As in pain?!" Green latched onto him. "B-b-but I'm afraid of pain! _It hurts!_ _**HELP ME**_!"

Pink crossed her arms. "Now, I'm not about to do anything like that for you, Mr. Man. It's unladylike... Besides, I'm still mad at you."

Red facepalmed. "It's like every day, you guys make feel more and more sorry I'm a part of you."

* * *

_**In the Ness' Room...**_

"Green, please take those things outta your nose before you get brain damage," groaned Blank Ness, watching said clone lumber around like an idiot.

"Duuuuude, I _am_ brain damage." He laughed. "Don't you be trying to tell me... what's... what's good and what's... not good for..." He made a face. "...Wait... I...? You... ...Huh?"

The other clone frowned. "..."

Green guffawed. "...Dude, wh-what're we... talkin' about? ...Agai—? Where's th—? I—And she—Dude, I'm so wasted, man..."

"Oh, good for you," Sad Ness frowned as he looked in the box. "Oh, great. We didn't get chocolate again... How come we never get any chocolate? The Yoshies always get chocolate, but we don't... That's so unfair... I don't feel like eating if there's no chocolate. I want some chocolate..."

"_**HEY, DON'T BE SAD! AT LEAST WE GOT... CELERY!"**_ grinned Happy Ness, showing him the vegetable. _**"SO, CHEER UP, BUDDY!"**_

Sad Ness pouted. "But I don't want that. I want chocolate..."

"Just shut up and eat something already, gawd," grumbled Dark Ness, poking his out of a box.

"_**LIKE YOU'RE ONE TO TALK! YOU NEVER EAT ANYTHING, MR. GRUMPY PANTS!"**_

"At least don't complain about it. Why do that when life is merely a really bad soundtrack from an awful movie, just waiting to drag our souls to the depths of Hades?"

Everyone sweatdropped. "...?"

"...You do realize that analogy made absolutely no sense, right? I have no opinion on anything and even I can say that without a doubt in my mind," finally said Blank Ness.

"Yeah, well..." He sneered. "Your mom."

With that, he went back into the box and closed it. Everyone kept staring at it until Pink Lucas busted in.

"Hey, guys!~" she squealed.

"_**OMG! HI, PINK! WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE?! THE DOOR'S SUPPOSED TO BE LOCKED, AS IS THE DOOR TO YOUR ROOM!"**_ asked Happy.

"It is, but only from the inside! I think our door broke from Red's stupidity, so we're making a break for it!"

"I heard that!" growled Red from outside.

She ignored him. "Whatever. Anywho, wanna come?~"

He ran over. _**"OH, SURE! WHY NOT?! WE'VE BEEN COOPED UP IN HERE FOR TOO LONG, ANYWAY! WE'LL RUN AMOK, THORW SPORKS AT PEOPLE, AND EAT TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE!"**_

"Yeah!" She elbowed him. "Now that second one is something I _can_ do!"

"But isn't that, like..." Sad Ness sighed. "Illegal?"

"I don't care," Blank Ness shrugged. "I have no opinion whatsoever. I'm almost as blank as this shirt."

"Dude, are there more magic markers out there?" snorted Weird Ness, markers still in his nose.

"All the ones you can stuff in your nose, hun!" squealed Pink.

"Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Blue and White be my posse, so they're coming, too."

"Whatever. We don't care," said both in unison.

Blue Lucas poked his head in. "S-so, is the black guy c-coming, too?"

"Huh?"

"...?" He pointed to Dark Ness in the corner, still in his box.

"Oh. You mean the toaster."

"W-what?" His lip trembled. "You're m-making me sad w-with your confusing words!"

"Dude, I'm, like, tripping out 24/7, all the time, man. Nothing looks the way it's supposed to, dude."

"What?! What're talking about?!" He began bawling again. "I'm confused!"

"Uh, hey, toaster? We're making a break. You comin', dude?"

He cautiously stuck his head out. "...Can I take my box?"

"Wha? Yeah, sure, I guess. I dunno."

"Killer." Getting out, he put the box over his head and blindly walked out.

"Aw, man. We're soooooooo awesome," laughed Weird, closing the door behind them. "Breaking the rules like this is gonna rock like... like some year that we're not in anymore. We're totally gonna get busted, though."

Sad sighed. "Of course... I knew this was too good to be true. There's always a downside to things. Oh boy, does this suck..."

Blank shrugged. "I don't care."

"Oh, phooey on all of your bad vibes!" Pink turned to Happy. "Be like Mr. Bumblebee here! He's so happy we're being naughty, aren'tcha?!"

"_**YES, I AM! AND OOH, OOH!"**_ He jumped up and down. _**"I GOT A QUESTION! CAN I LET SOME OTHER PEOPLE OUT?! PLEASE, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE?! IT'LL BE MORE FUN THAT WAY!"**_

Green Lucas whimpered. "I-I don't think that'd be a-a good..."

Too late. Happy ran over and threw open a door. _**"HELLO THERE, ALL! THE DAY OF RECKONING HAS COME, SO BE FREE, MY BROTHERS! GO FORTH AND EAT TOOTHPASTE FOR DINNER!"**_

A purple Toon Link sashayed out, frowning. "Like, OMG, ew! You aren't serious, are you?"

"_**NO!"**_ And he ran off, laughing like a maniac.

She sweatdropped. "Oh. Okay, then."

"Well, excuuuuuuuuse me, princess!" scoffed Retro Toon Link.

"Purple!" squealed Pink.

"Pink!" squealed Purple.

The former ran over to hug the latter. "Hey, girl! Oh, it's been so long since I've seen you!"

"I knoooow!" She hopped up and down. "What're guys doing out here? Is it finally time to go fight again! I hope not, 'cuz I just got a pedicure.~"

She blinked. "Who'd you get to do that for you?"

Purple pointed a thumb at Retro, who was busy traumatizing Green Lucas by exclaiming he was more than to bomb some Dodongos.

"Would you believe it? Once you get past the mindless dribble he says, he's great with the cuticles!"

"Well, good for you for pampering yourself! You look great!"

She sighed. "Oh, girl, you lie! I bet I look so fat. I've been so bad with hording the chocolate they bring around in the food sometimes."

"Gurl!" gasped Pink.

"Gurl!" whined Purple.

"Gurl!" consoled Pink.

"Gurl!" pouted Purple.

"Gurl!" laughed Pink.

"Gurl!" smiled Purple.

"WTF is going on out here?!" demanded Red Toon Link, barging in between the two. "Stop with all the women talk, get that yellow idiot back to his cage, and leave us the hell alone!"

Red Lucas pushed him. "That 'idiot' just freed you from your prison, asshole! Show some respect!"

"Who're you calling asshole, asshole?" He pushed him back. "And don't _push_ me!"

"You mean, like this?" Another push.

"No, like this!" Yet another push.

And thus, began the most pointless fight of that day.

"Guys, stop..." pleaded Blue Toon Link. "Can't we all just get along? All this fighting really makes so... well, blue..."

"That's what I said!" added Blue Lucas.

A Blue Kirby joined them. "Me, too! All this fighting is making me sad? Why can't it stop?! _**WAHHHHHHH!"**_

"Yeah, knock his block off! Punch 'em in the face! Kick 'em in the butt!" cheered Red Kirby. "Aw, c'mon! That was lame! Hit 'em! Hit 'em!"

("You're making it worse!") complained Blue Pikachu, running up and shaking him. ("Stop it before someone really gets hurt! People getting hurt makes me sad!")

Sad shook his head. "You all make me sad, so it's a bit of a... moot point..."

Scoffing, he pushed him away. "Aw, beat it, wuss! A couple of scratches and scrapes never hurt anyone, especially when they're as brainless as these dolts."

Hearing this, the two stopped, Red Toon Link asking, "Who exactly are you rooting for, anyway?"

He shrugged with a laugh. "Who cares? Whether someone wins, or you knock each other out is fine by me. Whatever comes first, I welcome it."

Neither of them liked this ugly truth, so they both pounced on him, thus starting the stupidest fight that day.

The Blue Ice Climbers scrambled up, Blue Popo sighing, "Why? Seriously, why? There's no reason for this nonsense... We have better things to do with our time."

"...Like being sad..." finished Blue Nana.

"I'd happily agree with your statement, but I'm too sad to," responded Blue Popo.

"Me, too," said Blue Toon Link. "That means you're cool. Let's hang out and be depressed together."

"Yaaaaaaaaay..." they all unenthusiastically cheered.

"What kind of a fight is this?!" demanded a red Nana. "I could get into a better scrap with a pillow with my eyes closed and a hand tied behind my back!"

"Yeah, me, too!" angrily added her accompanying Popo.

She turned to him. "And will you stop repeating everything I say?!"

"I'm not repeating everything you say! I was agreeing with you!"

"That's the same thing!"

"No, it's not!"

"Yes, it is!"

"No, it's not!"

"Yes, it is!"

"_No, it's not!"_

"_**Yes, it is!"**_

Red Popo couldn't take being the underdog to her anymore and smacked Nana with his hammer. Outraged, she did the same. This quickly escalated until it was an all-out brawl between them. Red Toon Link, Red Kirby, and Red Lucas immediately stopped their fight, getting insanely jealous.

"Hey, those lightweights think they can rumble better than us?! That's a load of bull!" spat Red Kirby.

"Yeah, who fights with a girl, anyway? And those're wimpy, sissy, pussy, lame-o blows they're throwing over there! What do they think we are, babies?!" growled Red Toon Link.

"Oh, they do, do they?" Red Lucas stood, rolling up his sleeves. "Guys, get ready! It's time to take out the trash!"

"_**YEAH!"**_

And thus began the most hedonistic fight that day.

("No, no, no! You're all doing it wrong!") declared a red Pikachu. ("See, the best way to fight is to cheat! Like this!")

Turning, he grabbed a vacant Green Kirby and hurled him into the fray, immediately knocking everyone off their feet.

("See? There you go! _That's_ how you win a fight!")

Getting up, Red Nana shook a fist. "You ass! You made me lose!"

"Yeah, me, too!" repeated Popo.

She sneered at him. "Will you knock it off?!"

"Why don't you make me?!"

And she did, in the form of a hammer to the head. Their rejuvenated squabble started up the scuffle again, so, thus, continued the most hedonistic fight that day.

"Lol, you guys are so stupid," giggled Green Kirby. "You guys are so stupid, you wouldn't know, uh, stupid if it bit you in the face."

"H-hey, you're green! Like me!" said Green Lucas, noticing him. "D-do you have a-any germs?"

He reared back. "Ew, no! Germs are nasty!"

He managed a smirk. "I think they're nasty, too!"

"M-me, too!"

The Green Ice Climbers ran up, Nana exclaiming, "Us, too!"

_("Not me! I've gone insane, so what do I care?!")_ added Green Pikachu, laughing disjointedly.

At this, the other greens dashed off, hands in the air, all while screaming their little, disturbed heads off._ "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"_

Weird Ness approached, slapping a hand on Green Pikachu's shoulder. "Hey man, don't worry. They're a buncha losers. Besides, everyone knows germs're awesome 'cuz their name rhymes with... pancakes."

He frowned, turning normal for a second. ("No, they don't.")

He grinned. "Yeah, well... They don't know that."

("Who doesn't know what?")

He made a face. "Hunh?"

("What?")

"What?"

("What?")

"What?"

("What?")

"...What?"

("What?!")

He grinned. "Exactly."

Green Pikachu then responded with the only thing someone could've responded with at that point. _("What?!")_

Rolling his eyes at them somehow, Gray Kirby approached Blank Ness. "Hello, I have no opinion on anything, you know. I haven't a clue why we're out and frankly, I don't care. And I'm certainly not sure if I'll like hanging out with you or not."

"I'm pretty vacant on my thoughts, as well. Not even sure if they're really thoughts anymore..."

Gray stared at him blankly. "...Wanna hang out?"

"Sure." And the two hung out, becoming so blank together, they were almost invisible.

Meanwhile, Dark Toon Link joined Dark Ness, a box also over his head. "Hey."

"Hey." Dark Ness looked him up and down. "Cool box."

"Thanks. It's full of my pain and regret."

"Sweet."

They were soon joined by the Dark Ice Climbers, both sharing a TV-sized box on their heads. "Hey."

"Hey," both greeted. "Cool box."

"Thanks. It's drenched with our deepest fears and plagued with the cold, apathetic judgment of the world around us."

Dark Toon Link smiled. "Sweet."

Seeing more and more clones appear, Pink made a face. The reds were all fighting, the blues trying to stop it, the greens were happily being weird together, and the blacks were chilling, as were the white/gray of the pack. Everyone else was just... sort of all over the place.

She sweatdropped. "Happy, uh, I don't think you should've let all of _these_ people out..."

He laughed like he should be in an insane asylum. _**"WHY NOT?! IT'LL BE FUN! LIKE A PARTY!"**_

"_**PARTY!"**_ echoed Yellow Kirby. _**"I'D LIKE TO PARTY!"**_

"_**ME, TOO!"**_

"_**THEN, LET'S PARTY!"**_ And they danced in a way that was so random and mismatched, it probably caused a time paradox somewhere.

And so, everyone bounced around the hallway, scuffling, laughing, dancing, trembling, babbling incoherently, complaining about something, thinking of something of particular interest they could be doing, or actually doing nothing of particular interest. All this went on for a while until Green Kirby stopped dead in his tracks and perked up.

"Hey! Hey! _**HEY**_!"

Hearing this, everyone else also skidded to a halt in their mindless affairs as he commanded their attention.

"...What're we doing out here, anyways?"

Not surprisingly, no one had an answer.

That is, until Red Lucas said, "Well, since we've always been treated like garbage, I think it'd only be fair to take over the house, run amok, and commit vast acts of anarchy. Y'know, vengeance, retaliation, and all that stuff."

Dark Ness lifted the box off his head, nodding to Dark Toon Link. "Ooh, I like him. I really like him."

("Perfect idea!") answered Red Pikachu. ("If we really wanna get through to those idiots up there, we're gonna hafta do something drastic! We may be clones, but that's no reason to treat us like second bananas!")

"_**YEAH!"**_ cheered most of the others.

He jumped onto Dark Ness' box. ("Clones, hear me out! At the expense of sounding really cliché, I've gotta say this! Now is the time for our uprising, our retribution, our revenge!")

"_**YEAH!" **_

("This is a once in a lifetime chance! Now that our chains of bondage have been broken, we're gonna show them they can't push us around anymore! There's almost more of us than them, right?!")

"_**RIGHT!"**_

("So?! What're we waiting for?! For someone to come back and put us in our cages?!")

"_**NO!"**_

("I say we put all the originals in cages and see how _they_ like it!")

"_**YEAH!"**_

Seeing no one was doing anything, he scoffed. ("Well?! Don't just stand around and mindlessly agree with me! Do something about it!")

...Crickets chirped and blank expressions were exchanged until Purple Toon Link shouted, "Like what, honey?!~"

He scowled. ("What am I, a dictator? Just 'cuz I wanted to voice my opinion? Figure it out yourselves!")

"B-but we're just clones!" whimpered Blue Kirby. "We've never had to think on our own before!"

Red Toon Link punched him. "Then stop being a baby and start thinking!"

"Why don't we do all that stuff the red, mousey guy said? ...The stuff about getting revenge, or whatever?" suggested Blank Ness.

Pink Lucas girlishly pondered this. "That idea's just crazy enough to work... Hey guys, let's all pair up and do that!"

"Great!" exclaimed Retro Toon Link. "I'll grab my stuff!"

As if something finally clicked in their heads, everyone cheered and got all hyped and stuff. Reds got with reds, blues with blues, greens with greens, etc, etc.

"...Uh, what about that... dead guy over there?" asked Sad Ness. "...Who's he... uh, paired with?"

Pink Lucas frowned. "That's Candle Head, and he's not dead! He's just... unconscious or something. I dunno."

Red Lucas poked him with a stick. "Aw, who cares, anyway? He was annoying."

"_**GOOD, THEN IT'S SETTLED! FINALLY SOME ACTION!" **_squealed Yellow Kirby._** "I'M GONNA GO GET SOME REVENGE RIGHT NOW! LAST ONE UPSTAIRS IS A HOPELESS LOSER!"**_

Despite the fact that's exactly what most of them were, they charged for the way out, practically trampling the happy, little ball in the process. Of course, his insanely happy nature simply made him giggle and snort uncontrollably as he brought up the rear.

Left behind, Purple Toon Link couldn't help but stay and ponder with Pink. "...Pinky, I've got a question."

"I'm almost certain I don't know the answer, but ask anyway."

"If we're really gonna go through with taking over the house and getting revenge, why didn't we let out the rest of the clones? I mean, I'm sure all of us together would be well over 100... That's more than enough to get our point across."

"Exactly. That's way too many. Not to mention all the bigger, greedier ones would rule the house and kick us to the curb when it's all over. Trust me, if we let them out, there's a good chance we'll end up worse than we already were."

"Wow. That's sounds about right, too. How'd you know all that stuff?"

"Because this whole thing's too cliché not to foresee."

"Oh." Purple giddily walked off. "Well, let's get up there and join the cause. Don't wanna let them have all the fun!"

"Ooh, you got that right!" Pink joined her. "Let's go already, before we miss anything else!"

As the two left, giggling and tittering over the evils of whatever women thought was evil and funny enough to laugh at, Claus-Lucas just happened to come to. The keyword there is "just happened to". How cliché!

He sighed. "Those dolts wouldn't know how to handle a takeover if Master Hand gave them flamethrowers and chainsaws and said, 'Here! Go crazy!' ...Guess I better go and try to stop them, or something..." He then frowned upon realizing he would never really do such a thing. "Geez, how horribly cliché. Whole thing makes me sick..."

* * *

_**Authoress Notes**__**: **__Heh heh, again with the several parters. What're you gonna do? Oh, and when it comes to the Ice Climber clones, I just call both partners what color represent, for clarity's sake; i.e. the Popo with Red Nana is white, but he's called Red Popo, regardless. _


	25. Heads, Names, and Lunch: Part 2

_**Authoress' Notes: **Bet you didn't expect to ever see this again!  
_

* * *

_**What Goes On  
**_

_**Chapter 25: **__Popping Heads, Taking Names, and Buying Lunch (Part 2)_

* * *

It was a happy, beautiful peaceful day in the house of everyone Smash. Everything was so perfect. Little psychotic psychic kids beating the snot outta plumbers, swordsmen slicing up anthropomorphic animals, princesses firing laser guns at monkeys, and the occasional giant, floating appendage squashing everyone. All was well.

Pikachu made his way to the bathroom, newspaper under his arm. It was in another language and he had no idea what it was about. He hadn't even planned on reading the thing, instead, using it to be a prick and clog up one of the toilets just because he felt like it.

No sooner had he stepped in, he saw Red Kirby wrestling with a urinal, eventually tearing it off and causing water to spew forth from the wall. For some reason, he had Lucas' ability on-hand. Okay...

"_**YEAH! KILL THE TOILET! YEAH! COME GET SOME! YEAHHHH!"**_ he growled.

Pikachu raised a non-existent eyebrow. ("Wh—? Huh? ...Kirby? Did you just go homicidal on that thing for no reason?")

"Yeah! I'm pumped! Hey, wanna arm wrestle? Bet you can't beat me!"

("Uh, no. Apparently, you've picked up on some of Lucas' insane little spasms. You might tear it off...")

"And what's wrong with that? You can use it as a boomerang! HELL YEAH!"

("I have a better idea.") He tossed him the newspaper. ("See that newsprint? It hates you. The front page totally called you a pussy.")

"_**WHAT? IT DID?"**_ He grabbed the paper._ "You got somethin' to say to me, punk?"_

The paper, indeed did not, so it remained silent.

"_**Ah, the silent treatment, huh? Well, this is what happens to assholes like you who can't back up what they say!"**_

With that, he proceeded to tear it limb from limb, or more fittingly, article from article. He then froze it, set it ablaze, zapped it, bashed its brains out with his hammer, and jammed the smoldering mess in a toilet. Finally, he flushed the damn thing, making it explode. Water and wet newsprint went everywhere.

Pikachu watched from the sidelines, nodding. Finally! Someone who understood his motives in making the world just a little more violent when it was needed the most.

* * *

It was fantastilastical day outside! And the only person feminine enough to call it that _was_ outside, soaking it all up in a conveniently-placed flower field.

"What a fantastilastical day!" squealed Lucas, skipping around like he was on one of those commercials advertising womanly products while an announcer off-screen quickly read of terrible, horrible side effects.

Finally coming to rest in a nice patch of generic flowers of some sort, he began giddily picking. "Ooh, wait until Ness sees these! He'll just love them! I'll get a whole bunch!"

Getting whatever was universally defined as "a whole bunch", Lucas was ready to skip merrily back to the house to possibly give Ness a hay fever and/or hives with them when he spotted said person several feet away. Of course, he was ecstatic.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" He waved crazily. "Hi, Ness!"

"_**HI, LUCAS!"**_ he barked back, so hard in fact, everything above his lower jaw almost came off, like a talking puppet.

Confused, the blonde frowned, not expecting that. "...Why're you smiling all crazy like that? And why do you have so many unnaturally-sharp teeth? What's wrong with you eyes? Why're you dressed like a bee? Why do you look like you just finished drinking 15 gallons of coffee?"

"_**I DON'T KNOW. HEY, NICE FLOWERS! YOU WANNA GO PICK MORE?"**_

Lucas gasped happily. "Would I?"

"_**WOULD YOU?"**_

"Would I?"

"_**WOULD YOU?"**_

"Would I?"

"_**WOULD YOU?"**_

"Would I?"

"_**WOULD YOU?"**_

Lucas turned his head in confusion. "...Would I?"

"_**WOULD YOU?"**_

"Would I?"

"_**WOULD YOU?"**_

"Would I?"

And this went on for another half hour.

* * *

The Ice Climbers were like night and day. When it came right down to it, oil and water got along better than those two. Regardless, they were still a happily mixed duo who still got along just fine during the heat of battle, even when they didn't exactly see eye-to-eye. This was especially so, considering Nana was trying to fold their clothes while Popo kept unraveling them to find pairs of underwear.

"Popo!" she growled, slamming down a shirt. "Stop undoing my hard work! These're fresh out of the dryer, you know!"

"Well, it's not my fault you're doing them all wrong! The trousers are supposed to be on the top! They're the best part of wearing clothes!"

"But you put them on second! The shirt comes first!"

"Well, you shouldn't!" he angrily proclaimed, scattering the clothes to look for more.

Nana groaned. "Popo, sometimes, I swear—" She was stopped as Toon Link sashayed in... or at least that's who it looked like.

"Hiddy-hi, Nana!" she swooned. "How ya doin', gurlfriend?"

She blinked. "...Uh, fine?"

"Wonderful!" She girlishly gasped. "Oh noes! Lookit these clothes all over the floor!"

Covered in undies, Popo sat up. "...Huh?"

"Dearie me, you need to get these things up before they wrinkle!" she squealed, quickly gathering them.

"..." Nana sweatdropped. "Um, okay...?"

Popo frowned like he didn't get it, which, considering his lack of intelligence, probably didn't. "...Hey TL, what's the deal with you?"

"What do you mean?"

He looked at her long and hard, carefully contemplating on how he could word his response until it finally hit him. "...Your clothes inverted!"

Nana facefaulted. "Augh!"

"Oh, man! That's so awesome!" He laughed. "Teach me how to do it! I wanna do it, too!"

Purple Toon Link blinked in confusion. "Sweetie, I haven't the faintest as to what you mean. I'll also have you know my wardrobe is up to date and efficient, not... uh, whatever you said."

That was too much for poor Popo's brain. "...Who said what did where now?"

The giddy clone giggled, going over to sit on the bed with them. "Now don't you two worry. We'll have these clothes nice and neat in no time! Oh, what fun this'll be!"

"Uh, Popo? Is it me or is TL acting a bit strange...? And he _never_ acts strange..." Nana whispered to her other half.

Startled, he pointed to Purple Toon Link, "Hey! Who's that woman sitting on the bed?"

* * *

Toon Link never saw himself as an angry person. Sure, he got a little miffed here and there, but it was usually only to put up a front. He was just, well, too nice to really get pissed off at anything. Kind of like Lucas, but not... a complete and total psycho. He was busy proving this point and doing nothing in particular when a distant squabble caught his ear. Turning to the source, he spotted the Ice Climbers tromping down the hall, hurling shrewd and nasty remarks at one another.

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" screamed Red Nana.

"NU-UNH! IT'S ALL _YOUR_ FAULT!" barked Red Popo.

"Ooh, we're never gonna get anywhere if you keep getting lost in this place! I'm the leader! FOLLOW ME!"

"Why should I?" The male crossed his arms. "It's not like you know where you're going!"

"Of course I do! THAT'S WHY I'M THE LEADER!"

"Well, what if I don't feel like following you around anymore?"

She raised her hammer. "Well, what if I feel like bonking you in your big, empty head?"

He raised his. "I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY!"

And she did try. And so did he. She did again, he did too, and they were soon having it out, but not in the sexual way, 'cuz that's gross and wrong and you are a nasty pants for even insinuating that. Needless to say, Toon Link was appalled.

"Guys, guys!" he called, running over to stop them. "Woah, what's going on here? You two never fight this much..."

"Butt out, loser!" growled Red Nana.

"Yeah, loser, butt out!" added Red Popo.

Red Nana glared. "And you stop repeating everything I say!"

"I'm not!" he protested. "_You're_ repeating everything _I_ say!"

"How can I do that when you keep saying things after me?"

"I dunno, you tell me!"

Thus, the two got into another squabble. Toon Link stood stupid as they fought, then frowned. Pulling out a bomb, he tossed it into the fray, blowing the climbers apart.

"Nana, Popo... Honestly, I think you two should really take a chill pill. I know you aren't always in agreement, but does it have to get this out of hand? You two are partners, for crying out loud. I hate to sound cliché, but you should really learn to work on your differences if you ever want to get on each other's good side again."

Infuriated not only by him blowing them up, but by him stopping their fight, the two fumed, hammers ready.

"Who do you think you are, trying to tell us what to do?" demanded Red Nana.

"Yeah!" snarled Red Popo. "If I'm not gonna listen to her, I sure as hell ain't gonna listen to you!"

Toon Link sweatdropped. "I was only trying to help..."

"Well, if by 'help', you mean get your ass kicked, I'd say you did a pretty good job!" said Red Nana.

"I call a temporary truce until we show this loser what for! Agreed?" asked Red Popo.

"Sure, now let's get 'em!"

"Aah! W-wait, no! It doesn't have to be like this!" reasoned Toon Link, as he turned tail and ran. "C-can't we all just get along?"

"NO!" they chimed in unison.

Oh, well... Uh, at least he got them to start working together again. Going after him wasn't exactly in his plan, but hey, being a Good Samaritan wasn't without its perks... or pains.

* * *

Kirby loved having so many friends! Okay, well, some of them were kinda mean or crazy or whatever, but he was still glad he had them! Even stuck-up, snotty, high-brow Pikachu was deemed as his pal and vice versa. Now, that was rare! He happily toddled down a hallway to do, er, something when he just so happened to run into Blue Pikachu.

("Oh...") He halfheartedly raised an ear and sighed. ("Hey...")

"Pikachu, hi!" he chirped. "I see you're wearing your Awesome Goggles today. Awesome!"

("What, these?") He sighed. ("Of course. It's always these.")

Kirby turned his head. "Huh?"

("No one ever notices me unless I have these things on... I wish I was as awesome as they were...")

"But you are!" said Kirby. "I was just making a point!"

("Yeah, right. Don't bother lying; I know I suck...")

Kirby frowned. "But... you don't. Who told you that? Ness? You never listen to a thing he says."

("No, Ness didn't tell me that. I came upon the ugly truth all on my own.") He laughed weakly. ("But boy, does that Ness have it going on. Now, _he's_ awesome. I wish I could be half as awesome as he was. Then maybe I wouldn't suck so bad...")

Kirby looked on in confusion. Geez, he'd heard of feeling blue, but wearing blue _to_ feel blue? That was just ridiculous!

* * *

Ness stuck his head from behind a corner and looked around. Huh... No Lucas here, no Lucas over there...

Slowly, he tiptoed out and glanced around once more for his blond counterpart, but the cute, little weirdo was nowhere to be seen. He sighed. What a relief. Apparently, Lucas was on a Ness-glomping rampage today, and he was particularly violent for such a little guy. Not to mention they came out of freaking nowhere and it took forever to pry him off.

Whatever. Knowing him, he was probably rolling around in some flowers outside or something. His mind at ease, Ness was about to casually stroll down to the Kirby Room and meet up with its namesake when he passed someone idly leaning against the wall, reading a newspaper... upside down.

This usually wouldn't have been a big deal, but he blanched as he suddenly realized the oh-so-familiar shoes, shorts, and size of the guy from behind the paper. His fears were soon confirmed as the reader let the newspaper's top half flop, showing his face.

Ness sweatdropped, backing away and putting his hands up in defense. "Look, Lucas, please don't glomp me or attack me or whatever it is you do because you've already done it, like, 49 times today, and I know you're trying to break your record of 72, but I'm just not in the mood for it today, okay?"

Claus-Lucas frowned. "Ew, gross. I don't wanna glomp you. _You_ glomp _me_; I'm sexier."

To put it simply, Ness was dumfounded. "...A-whu...?"

"But that's not the point. Listen to me, you're in grave danger."

Ness scowled. "...Did you just say you were sexier than me?"

He went on. "I suggest you alert your friends before the whole house is leveled."

"...Did you just say you were sexier than me?"

"There's no telling what'll happen if they're not stopped. They aren't very smart, but together, I fear their stupidity's their greatest weapon."

"...Did you just say you were sexier than me?"

He frowned. "...You're not listening to me, are you?"

"That depends; did you just say you were sexier than me?" Ness repeated again.

The clone facepalmed. "Okay, y'know what? Yes. Yes, I did. I did say I was sexier than you, and I am by a long shot, but that's not—"

"True," Ness finished, crossing his arms.

"What?"

"You're not sexier than me, I'm sexier than _you_."

"What?" He scoffed. "Look, who cares about that? I need to tell you something important!"

He scoffed. "Well, I'm not gonna listen until you take back what you said, Lucas. Honestly, I'm surprised at you. What a horrible thing to say..."

"I'm not Lucas, okay?" he sighed.

"Well, you have the hair, the shirt, the ridiculously-similar-to-me-in-body-structure, so who else could you be?"

"That's 'cuz I'm a—"

"Big fat lair?" interjected Ness. "Yes, you are, but I'll forgive you if you take back what you said."

At this point, Claus-Lucas was starting to get irritated. "What is your problem? Can't you see I'm trying to warn you? Shut up and listen to me!"

Ness was horrified. "...! ...Lucas, you... you... you just told me to shut up! ...What's gotten into you? Are you possessed again?"

"Well, you're the one who's so self-conscious! If you'd just listen to me, maybe—"

Annoyed, Ness poked him with his bat as a warning. "C'mon, stop trying to upstage me, Luke. You're really making me look bad. We all make mistakes, y'know. S'no shame in admitting you were wrong."

"Stop _poking_ me with that," growled Claus-Lucas, angrily shoving it away.

Ness sneered and did it again, harder. "You mean like _this_?"

"No, like _this_!" he responded, whacking him over the head with his stick.

Once he recovered from the initial shock of the retaliation, Ness glared. The clone mirrored it.

"...Lucas."

"..."

"...I don't know what's your problem today, but I do know this."

"...What?"

"...It's on. Like Donkey Kong."

And with that, much scrambling, hair-pulling, punching, and slap-fighting ensued.

* * *

The clocks in nearly every room in the house soon struck 12 noon, and if they didn't, they were either broken, off by a few seconds, or non-existent. Either way, it was lunchtime! Smashers came to eat with the usual madness, fighting, messiness, blah, blah, blah. The point was that everyone was happy. But, according to some shady-looking people standing outside the lunchroom, that would soon be put to an end!

("Mwahahaha...") evilly laughed Red Pikachu. ("We've got the originals just where we want them! Now to plot a surprise attack...")

"_**OH, BOY! WILL IT BE A PARTY?"**_ barked Yellow Kirby. _**"I HOPE IT'S A PARTY. I LOVE PARTIES!"**_

Red Toon Link hit him over the head with a wooden chair, somehow breaking it in the process. No one was really sure where he got it from either. "Will you zip it? One false move and we'll all be back in those holding pens before you know it!"

"_OH NO, NOT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!"_ cried Green Lucas, going into a fit.

**"What is wrong with you people?"** irritably shouted Red Lucas, facepalming. **"What, you _want_ us to get caught?"**

Dark Ness made a face, not that anyone could tell, since he still had his Emo Box over his head. "Oh yeah, like yelling even louder than him's gonna help us _not_ get caught. How do you come up with _such_ wonderful ideas?"

Blue Toon Link failed to catch his sarcasm, frowning in confusion. ("So... that's the plan?")

"No, no, no!" growled Red Lucas, shaking his head. "You're all forgetting the motive here!"

Green Kirby looked on in fear. "Motive? What motive? Oh no, we don't hafta kill anybody, do we?"

"Ooh, killing." Dark Toon Link grinned. "Now that's something I can do."

"Can we use their internal organs afterwards?" asked Dark Popo, him and Dark Nana's head also under their Emo Box.

"Nuuuuuuuuuu, don't do that!" whined Blue Kirby. "Killing people makes me saaaaaaaaaad!"

"Whatever," sighed Blank Ness. "I don't care..."

"What he said," added Gray Kirby.

"What who said?" bawled Sad Ness. "I don't understand! YOU'RE CONFUSING ME!"

"Gee, it sure is boring around here," stretched Retro Toon Link.

"Hey, I think he's right," said Weird Ness. "Aren't we, like, missing some people, like, yeah and stuff? ...Enchiladas."

"Purple!" squealed Pink Lucas. "No, my BFF! She's gone! I knew something was wrong here!"

"Who cares?" scoffed Red Toon Link. "Can we please just make a plan so we can take over the house already?"

"But we need to find those of us who're missing!" whined Blue Toon Link.

"I say screw 'em. Should stayed with the group," said Red Lucas.

Green Pikachu trembled. ("I knew it! I knew it! I knew I shouldn't have come along with you guys! We're all done for now!")

The Blue Ice Climbers sighed, speaking in unison. "This whole thing just makes us both so sad..."

The White Ice Climbers also sighed, speaking in unison. "We'd envy you for being able to feel sad, but we don't care enough to..."

At this point, Red Pikachu had had it. ("All right! That's it! Everyone, just _**STOOOOOOP!")**_

"..."

After such a ridiculously loud outburst that echoed on for miles and miles around the house, everyone stopped in their tracks and things were so quiet, crickets started chirping.

Nearby, Marth sweatdropped. "...Can I help you?"

Red Pikachu joined him in sweatdropping. ("Uh...")

He frowned. "...And why're there so many of you? And Lucas? And Ness? And Kirby? And Toon Link? And the Ice Climbers? ...Am I missing something here?"

"Uh, you need glasses?" shrugged Red Lucas.

"..." Marth looked at him like he was crazy, making everyone wince.

"...Corrective eye surgery m-might work..." added Blue Toon Link, making things even worse. Red Toon Link slammed an elbow into his head as punishment.

"_...I knew it!" _the swordsman suddenly gasped, hands slapping the sides of his head in shock.

Snake's trademark "!" noise sounded as every clone simultaneously grew an exclamation mark over their heads at his realization. Their cover had been blown! They were busted for sure! The jig was up! That was it! Game over, man! Game over!

"...Ike said the exact same thing last week!"

This caused everyone to facefault, and hard.

Marth began nervously dancing in place. "Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man! I can't go blind! I'm too sexy to go blind! And princes don't wear glasses! That's just plain unnatural!"

Seeing he was on a roll, Red Lucas went on. "Oh, yeah. See, there's only one of each of us here. If you're seeing more of us and in different colors, there's definitely something wrong with your eyes."

He gasped. "W-what should I do? What should I do?"

He shrugged. "Well, seek out an eye doctor, what else?"

"_But we don't have any eyes doctors here!"_

He thought for a moment. "Well, Mario's kind of a doctor, and 'doctor' is in 'eye doctor', so he's your best bet."

Elated to hear such news, Marth ran screaming down the hall, "MARIOOOOOO!"

The clones exhaled collectively as he left. It was a good thing most of the people living there were so stupid. ...Excluding themselves, of course.

Red Lucas looked around shadily. "That was too close for comfort... I say we get the hell up outta here."

"_**LET'S GO OUTSIDE!"**_ screeched Yellow Kirby. _**"WE'LL HAVE A BUNCH MORE ROOM THAT WAY!"**_

"The yellow freak's got a point," added White Nana, sighing. "And I'm only saying that because it's true, not that I have an opinion on it or anything..."

Sad Ness sighed. "...Aw, I don't wanna go outside... It's too bright and stuff..."

Red Pikachu socked him, making him bawl. ("I say we do that! Go outside and formulate a proper plan so we can take over this dump in style!")

"Great!" exclaimed Retro Toon Link. "I'll grab my stuff!"

"So it's settled, then!" proclaimed Red Toon Link. "Let's all go outside and plot our evil plan from there!"

("...Dude, who died and left you in charge?") scowled Red Pikachu. ("Besides, I just said that. Don't try to upstage me!")

"..." Red Toon Link couldn't think of a proper comeback, so he whacked Red Pikachu with a boomerang and ran for it.

("HEY!") growled the Pokémon, giving chase.

And so everyone followed! ...Not like they had anything else to do.

* * *

("Wow, going outside to cause complete and total havoc was a great idea!") exclaimed Pikachu to Red Kirby, who was no longer Lucas now 'cuz it was uncool. ("Kirby, I dunno what's gotten into you, but I like it!")

"You ain't so bad yourself!" He perked up. "Ooh, look! Wusses! In that conveniently-placed flower field over there!"

Pikachu squinted to see Lucas and who he figured was Ness having some sort of... Well, he didn't know what the hell they were doing; they were just running around in circles while flowers rained from the sky without end. Okay...

("Oh yeah. Those guys. Let's go kick Lucas in the hair and then call him gay 'cuz he obviously is.")

"YEAH!"

And so, they charged! Ooh boy, they were gonna mess them up good! Meanwhile, Lucas and Yellow Ness were still doing whatever the hell they doing until Lucas felt a disturbance and stopped.

"Ness?"

"YES?"

"I hate to tell you this, but I think playtime's over now."

Despite being upset, he still grinned like he was on drugs._** "WHAT? WHYYY?"**_

"_**DIE, EVIL LITTLE BOY FROM AWESOMEHAIR LAND!"**_ roared Red Kirby, smashing his foot into Lucas' head and knocking him over.

Lucas pouted, seemingly unfazed. "Aw, c'mon now, Kirby. That was uncool, and you know it." He looked to Pikachu. "That's something I expected from you."

("I know. Beautiful, isn't it?")

"Listen, for the last time, I'm not a magician! Now leave me alone!" whined Purple Toon Link, appearing.

Popo stalked her. "Aw, c'moooon! Please tell me how you did it! I want my clothes to inexplicably change color every time the scene changes!"

"What scene?"

"Popo, has it ever come to your empty, little brain that TL might've just _changed_ his clothes?" suggested Nana, following them.

"Of course he did! That's 'cuz he's magic!"

"Ugh!" Infuriated, she stomped over to Lucas and the other three unimportant guys. "Any of you guys feel like doing a lady a favor and removing this hooligan?"

"Lady?" Lucas frowned.

("Who, Nana?") asked Pikachu.

"No, me!"

"HUH?"

Just then, a scream was heard as Toon Link came flailing onto the field, falling in front of the group.

"Lucas, Pikachu! You've got to help me!"

("No,") refused the mouse.

"I-it's Nana and Popo! They've completely lost it!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Nana. "We're standing right here!"

"Huh?" Toon Link blinked. "Then, who was that chasing me—?"

"There he is! I see him!"

"GET HIM!"

So sooner had they declared their attack, the Red Climbers charged up, ready to flatten Toon Link like a pancake. They came to a screeching halt upon seeing the others.

Nana flipped out. _"What the heck?!"_

"Ah ha! See? He did it again! I told you he was magic, Nana! TL made _us_ change clothes this time! And he inverted his again, 'cuz he's also right there!" accused Popo, going back and forth between the two Toon Links.

Purple Toon Link scowled. "Wait, what?"

"Someone, anyone! Heeeeelp! I'm being somewhat verbally assaulted!" a newcomer howled.

"Oh, boy," Nana sighed, already seeing how this was coming together, "I wonder who that could be?"

The sobbing grew louder until Kirby appeared over the horizon, flailing his arms wildly. "Guys, you gotta help me! Pikachu's all sad and depressed and it's making me all sad and depressed! I can't take it anymore!"

Pikachu's ears shot up. ("What the hell?")

Blue Pikachu trudged behind. ("And now you're crying... I make everyone cry. Man, I suck...")

("Anyone mind telling me what the hell's going on here?") asked Pikachu.

"Think someone divided by zero again?" pondered Toon Link.

"I _wish_ dividing by zero did this. Last time was disastrous," responded Nana.

Lucas tapped his cheek in thought. "Hold on a second. Didn't this happen before?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"About 3 months ago? Remember that time we went to eat and, for some reason, there were, like, 11 Warios in the lunch line?"

Toon Link frowned. "I don't remember that..."

"I think you were fighting when it happened," pouted Pikachu. "Lucky. They stank up the joint so bad, we had to eat outside or in our rooms while MH aired out the place! It took days, and we could **_still_ **smell it all around the house for the next week! Dirty, stinkin' clones!"

Nana was surprised. "So these things are clones?"

"I knew it!" gasped Popo.

Toon Link was also surprised. "That's what that smell was?" He frowned. "Ness said it was a compost heap in the backyard from a zombie attack!"

"He told me that, too!" squeaked Kirby.

The Pokemon narrowed his eyes, ears flattened. ("TL. Please don't tell me you actually believed that. Kirby, I can understand, but... I had had hopes you still had some sanity left.")

"I-I do, but..." He bit his lip. "I have kinemortophobia."

("And that is...?")

Toon Link decided this was a good time as any to disregard that. "Speaking of Ness, where is he? His clone's here."

"You probably jinxed us by saying that, so he should be here soon," said Kirby, suddenly not depressed from the presence of Blue Pikachu.

Also speaking of which, the clones had randomly decided to distant themselves from the real deals, now semi-huddled together to come up with a distraction since they'd inadvertently blown their cover. I wonder what this is playing up...

And_ as if_ no one knew this was gonna happen, a distant roar from a violent scuffle graced everyone's ears. They ignored it at first, assuming it was Ike tenderizing his meat outside again, but as it grew into two voices, neither of which sounded like the swordsman.

"Ness! If you know what's good for you, you'll listen to someone in your life for once!" growled one.

"I don't have to listen the likes of you, especially if you suggest it!" spat the other, who was obviously Ness. "You've gone mad, Lucas! What's your problem? Why're you acting all assertive and cool like me, and then say I'm not your role model?!"

"You fool!"

A cloud of dust kicked up, the maker of it zooming into view. Ness sprinted towards the crew like a track runner, but with all the dust behind him, no one could tell who his pursuer was.

"Guys!" he shouted. "Get down! Lucas went mad again, and he won't leave me alone! I think it's serious this time; he dyed his hair, changed his shirt, and think he's cooler than me!"

"That's because I'm NOT LUCAS!" barked the silhouette in the dust clouds.

Hearing this and seeing the actual Lucas, Ness skidded to a stop, although it took him a while to actually stop skidding. And, of course, he had to stop at the uncomfortably close range of his blonde friend.

He smiled. "Were you running to me? That's so sweet."

Ness promptly pushed him over. "I was running _away_ from you! How'd you get here so fast?"

"Well, see, it goes like this..."

Lucas didn't have to explain anything. Ness saw the multiples of of his friends huddled together, shocked at his appearance. He wasn't that smart, but he could count; thus, they became worried.

He sighed, used to this by now. "Okay. Who did this, why, how, and will this help us bring Schlemiel back?"

Lucas was still on the ground. "Uh, we don't know, we don't know, we don't know, and... we don't know!" he cheerfully finished.

"I have been enlightened."

By this time, the dust had settled and spread over the area, making everyone cough and gag. As it dissipated, a lone silhouette stood, unfazed.

"Ness! You and your friends are in grave danger!" it spoke. "Listen to me, before they show up!"

Everyone looked up and gasped! ...And then promptly choked on the dusty air.

Popo recovered first, bluntly exclaiming, "Guys! Ness was right; that's not Lucas!"

"Gee, what gave you that idea?" hacked Ness.

"It's even worse! He's an evil clone!"

Claus-Lucas promptly facefaulted. "Y-you're... You're kidding me, right?"

"It's a demon! A demon!" continued Popo. "Look into his disgustingly honest eyes, his beautiful fashion of sense, and that _**attractive** _red hair, burning a courageous flame of justice!"

The clone became complacent. "Oh. Well, I don't mean to brag but... I do try my best."

"Popo, you made him sound more like an angel than a demon," said Nana.

Her counterpart sneered. "That's what he wants you to think!"

Ness pointed. "I wouldn't be surprised! Lucas is off his rocker this time!" He turned and slapped the blonde upside the head, who was just getting up, knocking him over again. "Who do you think you are, making an evil clone of yourself to try and upstage us?!"

Lucas gushed as he hit the dirt again. "I'm sorry. I'll try better next time."

For no reason, Kirby turned around to see the other clones from before were now gone. "Uh, guys?"

Toon Link scratched his head. "I thought the clones got out again. This should be one of them, so I doubt he's evil."

Pikachu sauntered over to Claus-Lucas. ("TL, did you ever stop to wonder why those clones got out last time? And the time before that? And that? And when they got out last tourney, when you weren't even here?")

"Uh..."

("Every time they get loose, it's to do something stupid! The very first time they escaped in the first tourney, they all got out. Wanted to steal household appliances and build a rocket or something.") He shrugged. ("If we didn't stop them, I'm sure we would've all died from weapons of mass destruction.")

Lucas finally got to his feet, dusting himself off. "Sounds serious. Maybe we should go inside and tell Master Hand."

"That sounds rational," Nana frowned. "So I'm waiting for someone to disagree."

"There's no time. They've probably got the house surrounded by now." Lucas' clone approached the real one. "Due to a freak accident, your clones got out, then they let their friends out, and so on. Fortunately, the only clones loose are all of you guys'."

Nana threw her hands up. "Of course!"

"I did a headcount and each one of you has 5, except Pikachu, who has 3." He counted back on his fingers. "That means there's 23 loose, 28 if you count the extra Ice Climber."

Ness crossed his arms. "Y'know Pikachu, I'd think someone with an ego as big as yours would have like... 7."

("The Pokemon Team has more clones than anyone in the house altogether. I'd be rubbing it in if I had more.")

"..." Ness turned his mouth up.

Claus-Lucas went on. "The point is, we're at a disadvantage and I want everyone to stay alert. Ness wouldn't heed my warning, so I hope the rest of you do."

"How come you aren't working with them?" asked Kirby.

He shrugged. "They want to rebel because of unfair treatment and unsanitary living conditions. I'm the only sane one down there, and I know doing this might screw everyone if we're not careful."

("Maybe if they'd stop breaking out and wreaking havoc we'd actually care!") groaned the Pokemon. ("When Smash Bros. started, they had a nice little suite in the backyard, then they started getting out and trying to kill us! Even then, they complained about the suite when we had a mansion.")

"Well, they _are_ kind of living in a dingy cellar now, in cages with cramped space and limited luxuries. Meanwhile, the house has almost quadrupled in size over the years. Their place is equatable to an underground dog pound." Toon Link laughed. "Hey, I made a rhyme."

Pikachu threw his arms up. ("Big whoop! They treat us like crap, we treat them like crap! Kirby, remember when they rearranged the stairs to our rooms to loop indefinitely? We couldn't make heads or tails of it! No one could get downstairs and no one could get upstairs! It was like being on a treadmill from Hell!")

"I flew up and downstairs, so it didn't bug me," he happily replied. "Oh, by the way, the clones that were here earlier ran off."

Claus-Lucas blinked. "They were here?!"

Ness groaned. "You let them get away?!"

"How's this my fault? I didn't let them get away, I just noticed they were gone." He pouted. "Y'know, I wouldn't have said anything if you were gonna act like that. Maybe I should stop telling you anything, like how the clones got some reinforcements and are sneaking up behind Nana and Popo as I speak."

Nana whipped around. "What?!" A stray Thunershock singed the grass at her feet, going over Popo's head, literally. "Woah!"

He looked up. "Ooh! Fireworks!"

"Gee, it sure is _boring_ around here," said a generic voice.

Everyone looked in the direction from where it came, only slightly shocked to see all their respective and somewhat angry clones. Red Lucas seemed to be leading the charge.

"So," He narrowed his eyes. "We meet again."

"Well yeah," Ness scoffed. "I mean, we've all fought you a number of times in a Brawl."

"Oh, think you're a smart guy, huh? Huh? Huh?!" He brandished a stick. "Let's see how smart you are when I hit a home run with you."

Ness took that as challenge. "Excuse me?"

"That's right. I'm calling you out! I'm calling you all out!"

Red Toon Link raised a fist. "We're tried of living like a bunch of animals! The madness ends here!"

Some of the other clones cheered.

("We're mad as hell, and we're not gonna take it anymore!") exclaimed Red Pikachu.

More of the clones cheered.

"You can't push us around this time!" growled Red Kirby. "We've had it! We're gonna defeat you, then release the rest of our brethren and kick you outta the house for good! Then we'll see how _you_ like living in a basement!"

Now, most of the clones were cheering.

Pikachu shrugged. ("That's it?")

Their cheers abruptly stopped, Red Lucas frowning. "Whaddya mean, 'that's it'?"

("I mean, really, that's it? Just take over the house? Your not gonna try to, I dunno, do something really cockamamie that fails horribly and almost kills a select few?")

"We're bringing in a new era! No BS, just take over! That's our motto now, and you'll feel the wrath of it soon enough!" He waggled his stick in the air. "Clones, about-face!"

His lackeys got into position, despite already facing the enemy. They did, however, get into these really cool orders. They lined up by what color they were horizontally and by what clone they were vertically. Everyone except Toon Link, Kirby, and Lucas were to stubborn to admit, but it was really badass.

Claus-Lucas braced himself. "Okay, everyone. Get ready for quite the assault. This is gonna be like Cruel Brawl or something, so keep up your guard up and-"

Ness whined. "Why do you get to be the leader? I wanna be the leader. It'll be more fitting with me as leader. Red Luke leads the clones, I lead the real ones. It's not fair you get to be leader-"

"Fine, whatever! Just lead us!"

"Glad you see it my way." Smug, he walked in front of his lackeys. "And on that note, we'll-"

_**"ATTACK!"** _screeched Red Lucas. With that, he and the clones stampeded forward in a big, jumbled pile of WTF.

Ness sighed loudly. "Thanks a lot, asshole! You made me forget what I was gonna say!"

It didn't matter, really. Since the clones were, like, a total of 10 feet away from the real deals, and Ness was just gonna improvise, he would've been cut off anyway.

Because of this, madness ensued! The clones hit their originals with a bang, quite literally, as several of them went flying from the destructive collision. The Pikachus got into a big, yellow static-filled ball as they had it out with each other, and not like that. The Ice Climbers continuously dogpiled each other because the two real ones kept getting lost in the confusion. It wasn't like they couldn't use any special moves or anything, they just... forgot.

The Nesses fought dirtiest, substituting their PSI for punching, kicking, whacking, and even biting. Hell, they even used other unsuspecting fighters as human shields, then threw said hapless victim at the attacker as retaliation. If Brawls were like this, causalities would be an everyday thing.

The Toon Links fought well, but maybe a little too well. They were so lithe and agile, no one could land a hit. They clashed and slashed swords, sure, but that didn't mean anything if the target kept doing back flips and rolls to get away and attack your backside, while you did the same thing and it just repeated.

The Kirbies lost sight of what they were doing almost immediately. Yellow Kirby tripped at the last minute and ran into the real Kirby, bouncing harmlessly off him like a Soccer Ball, sans the flaming doom. Due to them being easily amused, they made a ceasefire and took turns bouncing off each other's heads.

The Lucases... didn't really even fight, except for when Red Lucas punched the real one in the face, causing him to cry. Claus-Lucas then came up and scolded him about fighting dirty, brewing an argument. This escalated until the group eventually got into a heated dispute over boxers versus briefs.

The respective groups did these respective things for about half an hour before Ness broke away from the fight, yelling, _**"STOOOOOOOP!"**_

Everyone skidded to a halt, sound included, as they pulled a freeze-frame and stopped in their tracks. And it's not like they just stopped, no; they actually froze mid-fighting, like someone hit the Pause button. Walking away from the chaos, Ness wasn't sure if they were even breathing.

Regardless, his stomach growled. "I'm hungry... Therefore, this fight is over."

"Actually, I'm a little hungry, too," mumbled Lucas, also walking away from the frozen nonsense. "I was going to lunch earlier, but I got distracted with that cute little yellow Ness over there."

"I didn't have time to get there, due to, uh... well, you remember who I was running from, right?" said Toon Link, sheepishly.

("Too busy making mischief,") admitted Pikachu.

"Popo kept messing up my folded clothes, so I would've missed it anyway!" huffed Nana.

"Nana kept folding them wrong, so I would've missed it anyway!" he replied.

"I already ate lunch!" beamed Kirby. "But I'm always up for more!"

Ness was dumbfounded. "..._Why_ are you guys telling me this?"

They stared at him blankly, then at each other, then at the clones, who'd stopped with the freeze-frame thing and also stood there, dumbfounded.

"...What kind of food do they have?" blankly asked Gray Kirby.

("None of your business!") snapped Pikachu.

"Oh, they have everything!" answered Kirby, counting on his one nub. "Pizza, pancakes, fries, steak, eggs, burgers, ramen, biscuits, every kind of cereal, and much more! And since we work here, it's alllll free!"

"Uh, that, uhm... sounds really nice," whispered Blue Nana.

("And don't bother asking for a hand-out, either,") said the Pokemon. ("We're so telling MH on you after we eat.")

Nana pulled her hair. "Isn't that what I **_just_ **said we should do a half hour ago?!"

"Didn't _I_ say it?" put in Lucas.

Popo scratched his head. "Nana, how come you know how much time has passed out here, but not in the house, where almost every room has a clock?"

...

...

...

That was an astute observation.

Ness cleared his throat. "Well, I'd love to stay around and see how long it'd take someone to reasonably explain that, but I'm getting me some eats." He walked off. "Later."

Lucas causally followed. "Me, too!"

The other real deals shrugged and laughed, also making their way back the house. It wasn't like this scuffle meant anything to them; they all had fun in their own special way, but the battle was declared over, so their copies had no use now. It was just like a Brawl, and they didn't make their point at all! Ooh, another rhyme.

"So that's it?" Red Lucas was livid. "They're just gonna leave?!"

"Tsk, I'm not surprised," Hand on a hip, Pink Lucas wiped some hair from her face. "They don't care. They never cared."

"And you!" He pointed at the clones who ran off the first time. "Who do you think you are, running off and making buddy-buddy with the enemy?!"

Blue Pikachu cowered. ("N-no, don't hit us!")

"Dumbass!" retorted Red Popo. "We didn't leave, you lost us!"

"Besides, who died and made you in charge?" added Red Popo.

Their makeshift put a fist to his noseless face. "_This_ made me in charge!"

"That's stupid!" exclaimed Red Kirby. "You're stupid! I should be in charge!"

"No, I should!" proclaimed Red Toon Link. "For I am actually a canonical character."

("Well, I have an awesome HAT!") said Red Pikachu, pointing to it.

"Who asked you?!"

("I dunno, probably yo momma!")

As expected, this caused a fight to break out between the Reds. The Blues started crying, and the Greens tried to make a totem pole with themselves. Everyone else sighed.

"See?" gestured Claus-Lucas. "_This_ is why I joined the originals. You guys have no logic, no reason!"

Purple Toon Link rolled her eyes. "Tsk, like _you_ do?"

"Yes, actually."

"Oooooh!" She sashayed away. "You men think you know everything!"

Pink Lucas watched the scene unfold, rubbing her chin. Claus-Lucas' slightly inflated ego was giving her an idea.

Purple Toon Link came over. "Gurl, whatchu doin? You got that look in your eye. The look that says you're getting a cuh-RAZAH idea."

"I sure am, gurl! This cuh-RAZAH idea just might be cuh-RAZAH enough to change the very way we live!"

She danced in place. "Ooooh! Gurl, you best not be trippin'!"

"Watch me work, gurl!" She girlishly pranced off to catch up with the real deals.

"Go get 'em, gurl!" called her gurlfriend.

She skipped ahead of the group, her presence halting their progress.

"Heeey theeeere," she greeted.

Pikachu pointed. ("Don't bother trying to bribe us, either. We're still telling.")

"What would I have to bribe you with?"

("...Whaddya want?")

"Fellas, I haven't been around long, but this whole Clones vs. Originals thing needs to end. Today. The others mean no harm, really. Remember, they're extensions of yourselves, not gang of hoodlums."

"Could've fooled me," said Ness.

"I know we've had our differences, but today showed me the clones agree and disagree just as much as you do. We were based off your deepest, darkest mannerisms; we act in ways you never would, unless you lost complete control of yourselves."

"Yellows are, obviously, your happiness and aspirations. The Greens represent your fears and the bravery to overcome them, which everyone has. The Reds are your driving source and determination. The Blues are your feelings and expressions. Whites and Grays are your tough and rigid sides, while Blacks are your darker, more moodier sides. Pink and Purple, the best ones, are your love and affection. You see? Can't you identify?"

Ness raised a hand. "Question: what if we don't have said color clone? Apparently, a red cap and shoes are good enough to make me a Red."

She giggled. "That means you're most expressive in your Red side than any other color."

"Hmm..."

"I know we're really annoying and all, but you'd be that way, too, if you only had one attribute. And Pikachu, we do stupid stuff for attention because we feel used. Dragged into battle, thrown out afterwards, and you guys keep talking down to us. We feel jaded and you feel annoyed." She smiled, holding out a hand. "So let's start over. We promise not to do anything stupider than the average original if you stop treating us like prisoners."

Lucas went to shake her hand. "I'm game."

"No, you dumbass!" Ness pulled him back, muttering. "How do we know we can trust this broad?"

("Psst!") Pikachu whispered. ("Say no. It's a trick. Has to be.")

"I think she's being earnest," said Nana. "Let's trust her."

"Ness," said Kirby. "I'm not one to hold grudges, so I'm gonna go back to telling you things, okay?"

"That's nice," he replied, not acknowledging him.

"And it's a good thing, too, because Master Hand just showed up," he finished.

Ness didn't even say anything. He just stared deadpan at the smiling puffball until the appendage's voice boomed.

"**_You!_** What're the clones doing out here? And why didn't you call me about it?"

"I can explain everything," assured Lucas.

"No, you know what? No." He pointed somewhere. "Clones, back to the cellar. I'll deal with you later. Smashers, stay here. I'll deal with you now."

Claus-Lucas raised a finger. "Would it help things if I said, due to a valiant battle of justice that raged on for years, we lost horribly and our views on life have been reformed so the very thought of disobeying any sort of rule makes us hiss and boo like no tomorrow?"

The hand seemed reluctant. "Maaaybe..."

"Then that's what happened," added Lucas. "I should know, I was there."

He faced the real deals. "Then, well done! I'm been trying to get the clones back on the right track for years, but it's taken you a little over an hour to do it!"

Dark Toon Link looked up. "Does this mean we don't have to live in a cellar anymore?"

"Uh..." If Master Hand had a head, he's be scratching it. "Have you learned your lesson?"

"Yes," they said said in unison.

"Have the other clones learned their lesson?"

"...We can force them to," suggested Blank Ness.

"Fair enough. I'll let the house know, so skedaddle on to lunch." He floated away and disappeared.

...Either Master Hand was getting lazy or he was really tried of Ness and the crew doing stuff like this behind his back, because that exchange could've ended much, much worse.

"Well, that's that." Popo dusted off him hands somehow. "How about lunch? I'm buying!"

Nana sighed. "The food is _free_, Popo."

"When did this happen?!"

"Well that was uncanny, but we got what we wanted, so victory!" concluded Red Lucas.

"What now?" asked Kirby.

"Lunch!" groaned Ness. "Forget you guys. I'm going for real this time." With that, he promptly left.

Claus-Lucas looked to Lucas. "Think we can just waltz in there without everyone having a conniption fit?"

The blonde chuckled. "Oh, sure. It takes a lot to surprise us these days. By the way, I think Pikachu was exaggerating about you guys trying to blow up the house or whatever."

"Why would we ever want to do that? If you die, we die."

"He says every time you guys get loose, it's to do something stupid."

He made a face. "There's a difference between stupid and downright idiotic."

"Yeah, I guess you're right-" He suddenly noticed they were alone. "Where'd everybody go?"

His clone would've answered him if he hadn't made a beeline for the house, behind some other scattered clones and real deals who'd gotten a running start.

Lucas thought about saying a stupid, little quip to end this on, but decided against it on the grounds that he was too hungry to think of anything clever. He eventually ran for the house, too, despite his occasional tripping.

* * *

And that's how the clones and originals made peace! Master Hand kept his word and reformatted the clone's living quarters that very night, turning their icky domain back into a suite! He wasn't authorized to remake the building, so it stayed underground, but the clones were cool with that. It had everything the house did, even its own lunchroom! It didn't have that last time! A generous upgrade, indeed.

Since there were dozens more clones than Smashers, you'd think they'd need a place even bigger than the house, but nope! Master Hand used his space-bending powers to make the inside triple the mansion's size. Once you opened the cellar doors and went down a flight of stairs, it was like you'd discovered a hidden civilization of duplicates! The clones dubbed it Swag Cellar. Don't ask.

The place was huge. Like, real huge. In fact, it was so huge, there was a map at the entrance to help you around, like a mall; 'cuz that's how big it was! Rooms were located up and downstairs, but due to the large numbers, each clone had their own dorm. They went in the same order as the house, but also by color. All the Red Rooms were lined up together, then the Green, Blue, etc.

They were allowed visitations in the mansion anytime, while the Smashers could also visit 24/7. Hell, the clones even had their own lunchroom and Worker R.O.B.s. It couldn't any better. No matter where anyone was, they were home. And the topper? All this took place in less than a day. Oh you, Nintendo logic!

* * *

The clocks in Smash Mansion struck 12 noon as always, and the midday lunch rush began. Pikachu, the Ice Climbers, and Ness were already at their regular table when Toon Link and Lucas showed up.

"What took you so long?" asked Ness.

"Lunch only started maybe 8 minutes ago," replied the cat-eyed kid.

"I reiterate, what took you so long?"

Lucas sat down. "We had to wait for some pals from down below. They want join us for lunch today."

("Don't tell me you invited them all,") said Pikachu.

Toon Link sat. "Nah, just our favorites."

No sooner had he said that, the guests in question finished in the lunch line and came to join them. They were Purple Toon Link, Retro Toon Link, Pink Lucas, and Claus-Lucas.

"Nice to see you," greeted Toon Link. "Pull up a chair."

They took his advice the wrong way and stole 4 chairs from a nearby table, causing Luigi, Fox, Link, and Pit to fall flat on their asses. The inevitable squabble broke out soon after.

"I'm so hungry, I could eat an Octorok!" stated Retro Toon Link.

"Omg, gurl!" squealed Pink Lucas. "I hope this doesn't go to my hips!"

"Pshaw, girl! You go on with your bad self and splurge!"

"Gurl!"

"Gurl!"

"Gurl!"

"Gurl!"

"It's nice to see things're finally back to normal again," said Claus-Lucas. "...Not that I was around the first time things got bad."

"You got an upgrade, trust me," said Nana, nibbling some fries.

"Well, all that matters is we can put aside this petty nonsense and stop formulating crazy schemes every month or two." He bit into his omelette. "Wow, I haven't had a decent meal since I was brought into existence!"

"Me, too!" squeaked Kirby, just so he could say something.

Lucas gasped. "You like omelettes, too? You're like, the only other person who does, and everyone picks on me for it! Let's lunch together more often!"

Popo looked around the table. "...Where'd all these people come from?!"

("Yeah, well, make sure you don't get all smug and start thinking you're better than us. That's _our_ job,") nagged Pikachu, eating corn on the cob.

"Next time you come over, bring one of my clones," said Ness, waving his empty plate. "I want him to be my second helping fetcher.

Retro Toon Link smiled. "Great!"

Everyone yukked it up, and all was good.

* * *

_**Authoress' Notes:** And so this story makes a grand comeback. I had to become a lot more spastic than usual after writing so much HSSS, so it was fun._


End file.
